"I went to see my doctor the other day," said Beethoven, chalking up his cue. "He reckons I've been consuming too much lead."
"Too much lead! How much is too much, Ludwig?" asked Mozart, racking up the balls with his trademark pomposity. "I never thought lead was a problem."
"Neither did I. It's great for roofing. Anyway, he reckons the best remedy is to treat it with more lead."
"With more lead? How is that a remedy?"
"What was that?"
"I SAID 'HOW IS THAT A REMEDY'?"
"Oh. That's what I said. He assured me it would work though. He reckons it's like 'an eye for an eye'."
"Well I never. Although now that I think about it, my guy treated my mercury poisoning with lead-laced wine. And he's the best."
"How did you get the mercury poisoning?"
"He was treating my rheumatic fever with mercury-laced beer."
"Good thinking," said Beethoven as a guy in a white wig and make-up approached the table, thinking he could get in ahead of the composers while they were conversing. "JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DOES THIS CUNT THINK HE'S DOING? PUT YOUR NAME ON THE BLACKBOARD ARSEHOLE, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. JESUS."
"Better do it, buddy," advised Mozart. "Beethoven'll open up your skull like a peanut."
The guy shuffled off.
"Fuck me," said Beethoven, shaking his head. "Whose break is it?"
"Mugs away."
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU FUCKEN MUPPET?"
"I SAID 'MUGS AWAY'."
"Oh yeah, right. Sorry Wolf. It's like there are mozzies in my ears."
Beethoven made a solid break and potted three balls before missing a tricky double.
"Nice try," said Mozart.
"You what?"
"I SAID 'NICE TRY'."
"Oh. Anyway, I've also been immersing my head in freezing water."
"What for?"
"Keeps me awake."
"Well it would! I had my doctor bleed me for that."
"Bleed you? What does that do?"
"Gets rid of the blood."
"But you need blood."
"That's what I said! He said it gets rid of the bad blood."
"How does he distinguish it from the good blood?"
"Fucked if I know."
"Fucken quacks, eh?"
"Yep," said Mozart, lining up a long shot. "Hey, how's your syphilis?"
"My what?"
"YOUR SYPHILIS!"
"Oh. It's ok. Apparently it makes you a little mad. Believe that?"
"I'd be mad too if my cock looked like yours."
"THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?"
"Nothing. Anyway, my guy reckons I have military fever."
"Jesus. What's that? A severe compulsion to join the army?"
"No, dickhead. It's a scabby red rash!"
"I'M A FUCKEN WHAT, YOU SKINNY LITTLE CUNT?"
"I SAID IT'S A RED RASH!"
"Ooh, that's nasty. Better get that looked at."
"I did."
"Seriously, you should. Now, what am I on? Bigs or smalls?"
Thanks Bob. Another gem.
ReplyDeleteAs usual Bob, your pieces fill me with awe.
ReplyDeleteAnd bitter, bitter envy.
But mostly awe.
With a side order of envy.
Worth the wait.
ReplyDeleteWho won?
Hopefully Beethoven.
I just don't dig Baroque. It's all 'tra-la'la' and 'doop-de-doop' played by men in stupid wigs and too much rouge on poofy harpsichords and shit.
The harpsichord only belongs in two places - 1, on The Stanglers' "Golden Brown" and 2, in hard rubbish collection.
Beethoven on the other hand, oh, the music. THE MUSIC.
Romantic's where it's at. It's da shiz.
I thought Lurch played a mean harpsichord on The Addams Family.
ReplyDeleteMozart was at least a generation after baroque.
ReplyDeleteWell, Baroque fusion then, into his era...
ReplyDeleteIt's still haprsichords, twee string arrangements, oboes shrilling like swallows on acid and not an angsty minor chord in sight.
The Stanglers of course inventing "baroque 'n' roll".
ReplyDeleteWho won? Beethoven had a relatively easy shot on the black, decided to perform a 'behind the back shot' with his eyes closed (Tom Cruise style in Colour of Money), missed and Mozart potted out.
ReplyDeleteWho was the guy in the wig and makeup? Sorry, a little slow here.
ReplyDeleteNice work Bob.
That would be W.A. Mozart, Melba.
ReplyDeleteAnd that Beethoven - always with the trick shots!
No, not in the pic, der, I'm not THAT slow, but in the story. A guy tried to jump the queue, wearing a white wig and makeup.
ReplyDeleteJust another pushy punter, Melba.
ReplyDeleteYou know how it was in the 18th century. Everyone in a hurry.
You know how it was in the 18th century. Everyone in a hurry.
ReplyDeleteThat's because they knew the French Revolution would errupt in 1789 and they wanted to go home and get the washing in.
they wanted to go home and get the washing in
ReplyDeleteHa! Got you Ramon.
Everybody knows nobody washed back then, their clothes or their persons. They just threw a bit of talcum powder between their legs and under their pits. Obviously fellatio and cunnilingus were not popular pastimes in the 18th century.
And Melba, all the blokes back then wore wigs and make up.
Obviously fellatio and cunnilingus were not popular pastimes in the 18th century.
ReplyDeleteI'd never thought of that.
You know, this post is getting disturbingly Desci-ish.
Beautiful post LewdBob. All that I know of history I owe to Mel Brooks*. The French had unisex toilets way before fictional law firms did.
ReplyDelete*History Of The World Part 1
I once called a bloke a 'Bevan' (which was once, I believe, a Brisbane variation of 'bogan') and the famous Dutch theatre critic Esther Rosenberg pointed out that 'bevan' is Dutch for cunnilingus.
ReplyDeleteSo Beethoven would have used that word, in the context of that something he didn't do.
A pity, indeed Pers., that Beethoven spoke German.
ReplyDeleteJesus, I grew up calling people Bevans... I didn't realise a) that it meant cunnilingus which now makes it so much cooler, and b) Perseus what do you mean "was"? Don't people still say that in the home lands of my youth???
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteReally, everyone? Really? I don't get the adoration. It's nothing but a dull attempt at high-low culture mixed ha-has with the pool joke stolen from The Late Show.
ReplyDeleteIf I read the wikipedia entries for hisorical figure 'X' and 'Y', then write an hilarious tete-a-tete referencing their respective foibles while ripping off much funnier people, do I get to be as clever as Bob?
It's my day of geeting things wrong Ramon.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'm not as bad as Lewd Bob, who thought Tchaikovsky wrote Brahms' Lullaby'.
Feel free to have a red-hot go, Dess.
ReplyDeleteRamon, first I'd have to do a creepy 'IF I WAS KING OF THE WORLD ID HAVE BITCHES AND THEYD DIG ME' post a la his I Am Legend one, and I just don't have the stomach for that.
ReplyDeleteI thought I smoothed that one over with you Desci? Ah well. You're still welcome down here this winter, and you don't have to go to the ghost room.
ReplyDeleteOuch Perseus. Baroque is my favourite. I particularly like Handel. Although I don't think he was mad.
ReplyDeletePerseus: was it the drunk time or the sober time? You know me; I like a bit of Random Vitriol (tm). The Late Show knock-offs just rubbed me the wrong way (ooher).
ReplyDeleteMmm, beach at winter...
Lorne in winter = Goth paradise.
ReplyDeleteLet's all go to Perseus' place. I'd be fine in the ghost room.
ReplyDeleteI heard a harpsichord on Classic FM this arvo. Spooky.
Can you imagine a party with all TSFKA-ers at my house? After a few drinks? The bloodbath would make it on to CNN.
ReplyDeleteIs Lorne green in winter, Perseus?
ReplyDeleteOut the back it is, but the town itself no.
ReplyDeleteThe ocean is dark and violent. The cold is biting. Most of the shops are closed for winter, and the handful of locals left here wander about sometimes in the dark, hunched and melancholic. Somewhere, an owl weeps.
Was that some sort of Bonanza joke Boogeyman? If it was, I think it went over my head.
ReplyDeleteDamn, it was, Alex, and I missed it.
ReplyDeleteThe fruit and vege shop here is even called 'Lorne Greens'.
The fruit and vege shop here is even called 'Lorne Greens'.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me it's right next to a Starbucks. Oh please, please.
This is a cultured town Boogey. Not one chain store. Not one. nearest McDonalds is 45 minute drive. Nearest Bunnings, an hour. Nearest Sunglasses Hut, an hour and a bit.
ReplyDeleteActually, there's a 'Gazman' but I've never seen anyone in it.
ReplyDeleteGazman and Lorne Greene doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to have to get a Starbucks, even if it means you have to drink their mocha frappuchinos 6 times a day to keep them in business.
Will you settle for the Lorne Lawn Bowls Club?
ReplyDeleteIn honour of that place, the pizza place is called 'Pizza Pizza'.
The pizza boys opend a burger joint`recently, and, perhaps stoned, called it 'The Bottle Of Milk'.
We all call it 'Burger Burger' anyway.
I giggled and squealed like a pre-pubescent schoolgirl as I read your post Bob. Cheers dude.
ReplyDeleteAnd ... Beethoven wins. Hands down.
If I read the wikipedia entries for hisorical figure 'X' and 'Y', then write an hilarious tete-a-tete referencing their respective foibles while ripping off much funnier people, do I get to be as clever as Bob?Sure, why not? Do you want to be as clever as Bob? Do you need to be as clever as Bob? Aren't you clever in your own right? And for different reasons?
I thought the 'IF I WAS KING OF THE WORLD ID HAVE BITCHES AND THEYD DIG ME' post was lame, but I liked this one. Can't I think someone's funny at one point and a fuckwit at another point and appreciate the fact they make me laugh and then piss me off? Because, well ... I do.
Also, one question: What's a Gazman?
Oh, and pinch and punch and all that (while I'm here)
ReplyDeleteThanks Desci. Nice to wake up to that this morning. Criticism I can handle - in fact it's stimulating and a necessary part of life - but what's this about ripping off The Late Show?
ReplyDeleteBob, don't be coy. You know the sketch - Eddie Charlton plays pool with Mick Molloy. Several of the jokes (mugs away, and especially bigs or smalls) are from the very well-known skit.
ReplyDeleteWhat's with the "Hair Club For Men" inscription on the manuscript?
ReplyDeleteAnd dare I say that any skit involving baize, balls and beer might of necessity have a little deja vu.
You're drawing a bit of a long bow there, Dess.
ReplyDeleteThese are terms any pool player would know and use.
I do know the skit, Desci. As Ramon noted, I 'ripped off' real life, as did the Late Show guys. Mugs away and bigs and smalls! Those terms are used every time people play pool.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, like I said, I don't mind your criticism. I was trying to write something entertaining. Sorry if I failed to do so. But don't blame others if they liked it. That's the nature of things.
I'm a fan of Mick Molloy, but I had no intention of stealing his jokes. Nor do I think I did so.
Fair enough. Since Pers can vouch for you not being a complete cunt, I'm happy to accept that.
ReplyDeleteI still don't get the love, but each to their own, etc.
I, on the other hand, am a complete cunt.
ReplyDeleteRamon, you're a hoot!! Hope I'm not freaking you out.
ReplyDeleteWell problem solved Desci. Perhaps we can start over.
ReplyDeleteNo owl puns, please.
ReplyDeleteINH, you've got me to vouch for you.
ReplyDeleteSure Bob, why not.