Self-absorbed bourgeois across the nation are gearing up for World Vegan Day; a celebration of narcissism, conspicuous compassion and appalling halitosis.
Independent film maker Marcus Hall said he was looking forward to the day, provided he could stay conscious that long.
“It’s really great to mingle with like minded people and assure each other what wonderful, special people we are,” he said.
“True, some people might regard this as a self-important wank-fest that doesn’t actually achieve anything practical; but those people are yucky and probably don’t even live in North Fitzroy.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to bath in my own urine.”
Organisers are using the image of the gorilla, citing the fact that it has an herbivorous diet but is known to have upper body strength at least six times greater than that of humans. Event organisers are said to be impressed by its strength and ability to live harmoniously with the natural world.
The fact that it’s a completely different fucking species and therefore completely useless for the purposes of comparison has been rated less highly.
Prominent meat eater and actor Sam Neill said “Have you ever been in the same room with Vegans? Phew, the smell!”
Mr Neill added “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to eat an entire cow.”
Independent film maker Marcus Hall said he was looking forward to the day, provided he could stay conscious that long.
“It’s really great to mingle with like minded people and assure each other what wonderful, special people we are,” he said.
“True, some people might regard this as a self-important wank-fest that doesn’t actually achieve anything practical; but those people are yucky and probably don’t even live in North Fitzroy.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to bath in my own urine.”
Organisers are using the image of the gorilla, citing the fact that it has an herbivorous diet but is known to have upper body strength at least six times greater than that of humans. Event organisers are said to be impressed by its strength and ability to live harmoniously with the natural world.
The fact that it’s a completely different fucking species and therefore completely useless for the purposes of comparison has been rated less highly.
Prominent meat eater and actor Sam Neill said “Have you ever been in the same room with Vegans? Phew, the smell!”
Mr Neill added “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to eat an entire cow.”
Hey! Not all vegans smell!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I didn't. Although I didn't eat as much cabbage and beans as most vegans seem to.
I do like that picture though. Very amusing. I'm stealing it.
You did smell, Puss.
ReplyDeleteYour friends were just being polite.
I understand to some extent vegetarianism and (to a lesser extant) veganism as I don't particularly love meat, although I do love burgers (and pork dumplings).
ReplyDeleteBut it's when they suggest that eating meat is 'unnatural' that I see red. That makes no sense, they are dickheads and it's goodbye to Understanding Bob.
Chops are one of the finest things you can eat.
ReplyDeleteBut I like beans and vegies as well.
I'm omnivoracious.
I like beans and veggies as well.
ReplyDeleteWhat riles me is the silliness of some of the vegan claims.
Organisers are using the image of the gorilla, citing the fact that it has an herbivorous diet but is known to have upper body strength at least six times greater than that of humans.
On that basis, you could argue the physical strength of a lion is an argument for an all meat diet.
I think I was agreeing with you Ramon. No arguments from me.
ReplyDeleteTalking about chops, Melba.
ReplyDeletePork or lamb?
I did a lot of work with Gorillas (and Diane Fossey) a while back at San Diego Zoo. They eat insects too.They love crickets especially.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that I wasn't vegan because of the animals, or whatever else bullshit most vegans put forward? My veganism came on slowly as a result of many food issues. I didn't care about the animals.
ReplyDeleteRamon, I'm interested to know what you think it is that makes vegans smell bad?
Pork or lamb?
ReplyDeleteIs there a need to choose?
I'm taking the piss, Puss.
ReplyDeleteFucking hilarious Ramon..! My delightful husband was once engaged to a woman who ate little meat - and forced such behaviours on him. Since their breakup he has rebelled against vegetarianism, and thanks God everyday for marrying such a carnivore as myself.
ReplyDeleteLamb. Oh lamb.
ReplyDeleteThe Mrs has a marinade for lamb chops, involving red wine, honey and fresh rosemary, that would make a vegan drool.
ReplyDeleteLamb is the most foul of all foods - except smoked salmon of course.
ReplyDeleteLamb is the most foul of all foods - except smoked salmon of course
ReplyDelete??? Two of my favourite things.
What I don't get is how they love to go on and on about it. "So you don't eat meat? Who cares? Shut up and eat your lentils"
Has anyone ever tried nutmeat? Fucking awful.
Dude, I know that. But it is true to some extent. I just wondered whether you had some insight as to what caused it.
ReplyDeleteWari, yes, nutmeat is gross.
Aha, there's another problem with vegetarianism, Wari: "meat substitute". If you need meat substitute, you really should be eating meat.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can buy meat that is organic, free-range and cruelty free. Hell yeah, it's expensive.
Puss, I think I read somewhere an excessive reliance on pulses you find in vegan food can cause bad halitosis.
ReplyDeleteLamb is the most foul of all foods.
This saddens me, Bob, it really does.
I agree with Wari. I have no idea how anyone could dislike lamb or salmon. How do you feel about goat and tuna, Bob?
ReplyDeleteHappily, I have never heard of nutmeat.
Ahh, ok then. Well, I'm in the clear! I ate the worst vegan diet ever. It was all carbs and green vegetables, and none of the lentils/pulses I was supposed to eat.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Bob. Lamb and salmon are gross. I'll add pigs in there too.
Come, come Puss - you go too far.
ReplyDeleteThe pig is a fine animal; intelligent, useful and delicious.
I'm eating a pig right now!!
I only hate smoked salmon. Salmon steak is fine, even salmon from a tin. Lamb is ok if cooked for hours in the form of a curry or stew and it melts in your mouth. I just hate the process of tearing through large slabs of meat.
ReplyDeleteBob, you are dead to me now.
ReplyDeleteI just hate the process of tearing through large slabs of meat.
ReplyDeleteNot big on steak then either, I guess?
I have had a few vegan housemates over the years, most of them ghastly and self-loathing. My current vegan housemate though is utterly delightful... I think that may be because about half her calorie intake comes from wine. She also showers twice a day without fail. All up, very unexpected - "vegan poetry student" is not a tag which normally inspires confidence.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not kidding about half her calorie intake coming from wine - I once added it all up for her over a period of a week.
TB, I'm pretty sure vegans can only drink the expensive stuff as cheaper cask wine contains animal products.
ReplyDeleteOh and they can drink Coopers Pale Ale as well.
Euw, cask wine. None of that stuff is allowed in our household, unless it is with the intention of adding vodka, burning sugar and spices.
ReplyDeleteA few years ago, Lewd and Mrs.Bob visited me and I offered Roast Lamb and they said no.
ReplyDeleteBehind the crustaceans, lamb is clearly the best meat. Fatty lamb chops. Lamb roast. Oh my god they are good.
Puss - I recommend eating just the crackling. It's the best bit of the pig.
Tearing through large slabs of meat?
ReplyDeleteForeplay.
Bob is a lamb snob?
ReplyDeleteOdd.
Perseus, that is utter bullshit. I will always eat what I am served, even if it is a lamb roast, smoked salmon or those other horrid things, oysters. I wouldn't have been rude enough to say no to a kind offer of dinner. Take that back.
ReplyDeleteYou weren't rude at all! I asked about a week in advance, and you said you didn't like Roast Lamb, so Andromeda made a Roast Beef (that was horribly dry and she was still ashamed two years later).
ReplyDeleteOh, ok. That seems to make more sense. I retract my abuse. The beef was a little dry.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can buy meat that is organic, free-range and cruelty free
ReplyDeleteNot always as available as we would like. I know my local Coles and Woolworths don't carry free range pork yet and there obviously isn't a demand for them to do so unfortunately. Or for McDonalds to use free range eggs for that matter. Many people who would not eat a cage egg at home still accept them at restaurants but I do try to avoid them.
I love a crumbed lamb chop and I love pork - I mean who could give up bacon seriously. One of my favorite things is char siu - chinese bbq pork - hard to get here in the sticks but when I can I do. We do tend to eat too proportionally too much meat though so I try to correct the balance.
Last week, at the show, I patted a lamb and then I went to my friend's place and we made lamb stew. It was delicious.
ReplyDeleteI grew up on a dairy farm & the meat we ate came from our own herd of a few hundred or so cattle. We had a calf whose mother refused to feed it, so we hand-reared it. We put a teat onto a juice bottle, filled it with one-third of fresh milk from the vat and two-thirds of warm water (calves won't drink cold milk) and he grew up nice and big and fat. His name was Bullwinkle. Then when he was old, he went to slaughter and we ate him. You heard me.
Puss, my brother says cabbage is peasant food. I like cabbage. I also like brussels sprouts. Broccoli is a favourite of mine, too.
Lewd Bob: Snap on the pork dumplings. If I was on death row, I think I'd order pork dumplings as my last meal, with a tiramisu side.
Talking about chops, Melba.
Pork or lamb?
While not directed at me, I'd like to address this issue, Ramon. Lamb chops are for eating, pork chops are for carrying on like one.
I'm yet to eat goat, and I can't wait to try it. I have a feeling I'll really like goat curry.
Also, I heart salmon something chronic, smoked or otherwise. I can buy smoked salmon for $3.95 literally two blocks from where I live. Yum. Also I can buy Jansz sparkling for $25 one block in the other direction. Hobart = heaven. Don't even get me started on the oysters. (Drool)
EMS, I think most of us who grew up on properties ate our fair share of pets. It was kind of poor form to get sentimental about those kind of things.
ReplyDeleteGoat is a bit like sheep in that the taste of the meat is somewhat dependant on the age and sex of the animal. The local butcher in one of the little towns I lived in used to sell kid as lamb and very few people ever picked it.
EMS, I think most of us who grew up on properties ate our fair share of pets. It was kind of poor form to get sentimental about those kind of things.
ReplyDeleteWord, Alex. Is you a farm kid as well? What kind of farm?
Goat is a bit like sheep in that the taste of the meat is somewhat dependant on the age and sex of the animal.
That's what I'm wondering. I've never eaten mutton but heard lots of (bad) things about it. I've got the feeling that if you cook it right, mutton would probably taste ok. I've heard lots of people turn their noses at the thought of eating goat, but I'm of the belief that if it's cooked right, then it's ok. It's the same with vegetables. If you boil the beejesus out of cabbage it tastes (and smells like shit).
Some people hate silverside (including my mother), but I quite like it. And even though my mum hates it and pretty much gags at the smell of it when cooking, she still cooks it.
I could really go some roast silverside with white sauce, mashed potato and buttery brussels sprouts right now. Good thing I'm heading home in a few weeks, I'll put in a request.
EMS, My father worked as a contractor (farm hand) and my mother was a governess, so we lived on a few different places. Mostly sheep. We killed most of our own meat, and yes, I found mutton to be quite tasty when cooked right. I have especially fond memories of shepherds pie.
ReplyDeleteI'd advise staying away from eating a sexually mature billy goat if you can. If you've ever smelt one during rutting, you probably already have a pretty good idea why.
I could really go some roast silverside with white sauce, mashed potato and buttery brussels sprouts right now.
God, that sound good. Except I'd probably add a little pumpkin and sweetbuck to the mash.
Love the fact that most vegans live on tofu, oblivious to the fact that (outside of the EU) it's pretty much all derived from genetically modified soybeans.
ReplyDeleteOf all the foods you could eat, tofu has the most GM material.
Veggies also use more chemicals than meat.
Alex I've never known anyone who's known a governess before.
ReplyDeleteI am impressed and envious.
Oysters - mmmmm.
Corned beef or silverside - mmmmmmm. Don't forget the mustard!
Up to around 1945 most working class people, at least in Australia, ate mutton as it was a less expensive cut of meat.
ReplyDeleteThe really, really poor ate rabbit, which was often referred to as "underground mutton".
You can't get mutton or hogget readily at all unfortunately. I remember Jamie Oliver saying that hogget tastes much better than lamb and given the choice I'd go the hogget (also it has had a bit longer to live and the idea of eating baby animals seems a bit mean - its probably irrational but I'd rather give them a year or so of life first).
ReplyDeleteOne of the nicest cabbage recipes I've tried is the chinese cabbage salad on the back of the Changs crunchy noodle pack - its called "oriental fried noodle salad" on the Changs website. It did the rounds here a few years ago and was a big hit. A great alternative to coleslaw.
EMS, I love broccoli and brussels sprouts too. I don't mind cabbage, but I don't eat too much of it. I find it a little boring. And when I was vegan I didn't eat as many brussels sprouts as I would have liked, as I was living with a non-vegan partner who hated them.
ReplyDeleteBob, tofu is disgusting. I don't know how people can eat that crap.
Oh, and EMS, we ate our own "pets" too. I remember poor Augustus the bull. Actually, he helped to turn me vegan. He was as tough as leather boots. We let him roam around too much, it seems. The meat we had when I was growing up was always dodgy and low quality, and then I went to boarding school and it was even worse. And I was already lactose intolerant, so I didn't have any dairy. And I hate eggs. And I don't eat pigs. So I was already 90% of the way to being vegan once I stopped eating red meat and chicken. Then I stopped eating seafood and voila! Even now it's very easy for me to not eat meat. I have to consciously think about it or I just revert to being vegetarian.
Alex, I am super jealous your mum was a governess! Although I suspect I have a rather romanticised view in my head of what it would have been like.
And now I'm confusing Dr Golf with Bob. I seriously need to get my eyes checked or something.
ReplyDeleteDon't even get me started on the oysters.
ReplyDeleteThe first human ever to eat an Oyster must have been ever so hungry.
Aside from a hot chick's parts, a fresh natural oyster is the very best thing one can have in one's mouth.
ReplyDeleteWhat about hot chick's parts wrapped in Bacon?
ReplyDeleteOr Crumbed?
Or wrapped in bacon and then crumbed??
John B1/B2 would disagree with you, Perseus.
ReplyDeleteHuman flesh is supposed to taste a lot like pork.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky that my husband and I both eat pretty much everything. He lived in China for 6 months and ate all kinds of wierd things like deep fried sparrow so that broke him in before I got him. We recently tried cooking up some razor clams he'd found in the lake but they tasted pretty awful. As he goes fishing I have to cook up all kinds of different fish that he brings back. We put whatever we're having on our 2 yr olds plate and encourage him to try things. I have a theory that parents pass their food phobias onto their kids and hope to raise Jack to be adventurous with food by example.
ReplyDeleteRamon, my old man talks about how they ate rabbit all the time when he was growing up. His family wasn't poor, but the rabbits were just so plentiful and there was money to be made off the pelts. He reckons he stopped eating them after myxomatosis became widespread.
ReplyDeletePuss, I don't know what your mental picture of being a governess is like, but it still involved covering the same curriculum as every other teacher in the state.
Do you mean they are not all like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music? Damn.
ReplyDeleteI didn't care about the animals.
ReplyDeletePuss, you say that like it's a good thing
Up to around 1945 most working class people, at least in Australia, ate mutton as it was a less expensive cut of meat. Our family ate it right through my childhood. I remember corned legs of mutton or two tooth boiled and served with a white sauce, it was called "mock-ham". We had pressed tongue, lamb's fry and crumbed brains, and fish on Fridays. And Patchouligirl if you can get to a halal butcher, they often have mutton, and their technique of killing results in very good meat.
ReplyDeleteI have had that chinese cabbage crunchy noodle salad, patchouligirl.
ReplyDeleteI can attest to its goodness.
And governesses do have such a romantic quality about them.
Squib I don't think many of us meat eaters think too carefully about where the slab of goodness comes from. But I think you can appreciate the animal as the provider of the meat. Not sure what Peter Singer would say about that.
Squib, I meant I wasn't vegan because of them. Obviously I care about animals. But that only extends to hoping they have a decent free range life and are killed humanely. They're bred to be killed, so no, I don't care that they're killed. As long as it's done humanely.
ReplyDeleteI can attest to its goodness
ReplyDeleteI should have also mentioned it is very easy to make and none of the ingredients need refrigeration so great for camping. It is the most moor-ish salad I've ever had. If anyone tries it let me know how you go.
Do you mean they are not all like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music?
ReplyDeleteActually, yes, everything was exactly like The Sound of Music. Lots of singing and dancing and sweet little misadventures. My favourite songs were "There's dirt over everything", "Fuck it's hot" and "Who let that bloody fly inside?"
"If God had meant us to be vegetarian, he wouldn't have made animals out of meat." - Anon.
ReplyDeleteI'd advise staying away from eating a sexually mature billy goat if you can. If you've ever smelt one during rutting, you probably already have a pretty good idea why.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the tip. I actually do know what you mean about the smell. We had a goat on the farm. His name was Billy. Pretty original, hey. It wasn't just because he was a Billy goat though, the guy who gave him to us, his name was Bill.
He was a really mean goat, you'd try and feed him and he'd butt you. Those horns hurt. That bloody creature gave me bruises every single time.
The really, really poor ate rabbit, which was often referred to as "underground mutton".
I've only ever eaten rabbit once. Nan made rabbit stew, but didn't tell us it was rabbit until after we'd eaten it. Bunnies are delicious.
Nan also made ox tongue once, but I couldn't eat it.
Best seasoning for a lamb forequarter chop:
ReplyDelete- salt
- olive oil
- thyme
That is all.
Goat is seriously good. Especially in a Jamaican curry or slow-cooked Middle Eastern-style. Just about everything else is pretty good too. Although rabbit reminds me of my nan buying them, skinned, for pet food from the South Melb market when I was a kid. And try to serve me brussels sprouts, cauliflour in white sauce, tripe, brains or similar and I will spew. On the table.
ReplyDeleteOh, and mushrooms. But that will be from anaphylactic (sp?) shock because I'm allergic. But I found them disgusting even before I knew I was allergic to them. Fungal spore. Ew.
Alpaca and llama are pretty good too.
ReplyDeleteI loooove mushrooms. I peel the skin off and eat them raw. And brussels sprouts and cauliflower in white sauce is one of the best parts of a roast lunch, CTM!
Hey Puss, did you eat Guinea Pig when you were in South America?
ReplyDeleteI haven't eaten any red meat or poultry for 21 years. I eat seafood and wear leather shoes and so forth. The rest of my family eat meat
ReplyDeleteI had a guinea pig called Daphne once. She was eaten by a German Shepherd
What was the German Shepherd called?
ReplyDeleteI was biten by a dog once, but it wasn't a german shepherd.
ReplyDeleteI had a rat called mouse that used to leap at the cage bars trying to attack the cat.
It was probably called Brutus
ReplyDeleteor mebbe Apollo
I tried a little bit of someone else's guinea pig, but couldn't bring myself to eat a whole one. They just cook them whole, and the little teeth sticking out the front of it freaked me out.
ReplyDeleteI've been bitten by a German Shepherd before. And a Border Collie. And a Jack Russell. I hate dogs.
Didn't a goose try and bite you once?
ReplyDeleteIt was an ibis actually. It chased me and bit me on the heel because I wouldn't give it my lunch.
ReplyDeleteI think the animal world has it in for you, Puss.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should eat more of them.
I had a guinea pig called Daphne once. She was eaten by a German Shepherd
ReplyDeleteWhat was the German Shepherd called?
I was really hoping it was going to be Shaggy, Freddy or Velma.
I heart this comment thread.
ReplyDeleteWell, I did have pigeon the other night. Does that count?
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm hoping there will be duck at the wedding I'm attending on Saturday.
Splendid, Puss.
ReplyDeleteEat them before they eat you, I say.
I just think you've been meeting the wrong dogs Puss. Mine wouldn't dream of biting anyone. My 2 yr old runs around the yard with them and jumps on them.
ReplyDeletePatch, you have just about hit on my all time most hated phrase to come out of people's mouths when I tell them I don't like dogs. "Oh, you'd love my dog! He's harmless. All he would do is lick you."
ReplyDeleteYeah, and how is that any better? That creature has been licking its arse. There is no way I want that tongue anywhere near me.
Oh, you'd love my dog! He's harmless. All he would do is lick you.
ReplyDeleteI've never really understood why some people let their dogs lick them, especially on the face. Thankfully, it's a habit that can be fairly easily broken, especially if you start training the dog from an early age.
And I don't think that the way a dog interacts with members of its own family is a good indication of how it will react to strangers. Some dogs can go from wouldn't-hurt-a-fly to savage-killer at the drop of a hat. Of course, many don't.
Oh, you'd love my cat!
ReplyDeleteIf you're lucky and she's in a good mood, she'll just sit in a corner of the room and stare at you with bleak hatred.
If you're lucky.
That's my kinda cat, Ramon.
ReplyDeletePuss, we should eat at separate tables if we ever have a meal at the same time and place. And you can correct my spelling too. See, that's how much I hate 'cauliflour'... can't even bear to spell it right.
ReplyDelete