Monday, November 30, 2009

Say it ain't so, Joe!

Ohfuckohfuckohfuck

In breaking news that fat bloke from the Liberal Party frontbench, what’s-his-name, looks a bit like that fat bloke from the Labor Party, Joe something, Joe Hockey, that’s right, seems to be shuffling a bit closer to his long held ambition to be captain of the Titanic leader of the federal Liberal Party.

Mr Hockey told an anxious collection of over paid hacks from the Press Gallery he was preparing himself mentally for the challenges ahead.

“Every morning when I get up, I strike myself repeatedly about the head and neck with a large stick with nails in it and stick my hand into the toaster,” Mr Hockey said.

“I reckon if that doesn’t get me used to leading the Party, then nothing will.

“I was contemplating having a cold shower each morning, then frying my genitals in a red-hot frying pan but that was a bit too much like Tony Abbott for my liking.”

Meanwhile Mr Abbott has announced a bold new strategy for taking the fight to the Rudd Government.

“My first act as Leader will be to seek out and destroy the pernicious heresy of Protestantism and revoke the Edict of Nantes,” Mr Abbot said.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some pyres to get ready.”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, remarked “honestly, you couldn’t make this shit up.”
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31 comments:

  1. AnonymousNovember 30, 2009 at 10:49 AM

    Cheers Ramon, I really enjoy posts like this one.

    By the way, a bloke in his sixties once told me that the Liberal Party was strictly anti-Catholic when it was first formed. No idea if that's true or not. Can you shed any light?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ramon InsertnamehereNovember 30, 2009 at 10:58 AM

    There is some truth to that, Alex.

    The Liberal Party (current edition) was formed in 1944 when teh Micks were widely seen by the Toffs as being mad Fenians, plebs and disloyal republicans.

    Now they're just seen as mad, which accounts for Tony Abbott's rise.

    ReplyDelete
  3. wari lasiNovember 30, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    This would be a really funny post.

    If it weren't actually true.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ramon InsertnamehereNovember 30, 2009 at 11:15 AM

    I do have a soft spot for Joe.

    Which isn't going to stop me laughing like a drain when Kruddy does a Fargo on him and feeds him through the wood chipper.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousNovember 30, 2009 at 11:26 AM

    Thanks Ramon. Most of the blokes I know in that age group are Vietnam veterans who harbour a deep hatred - for the Liberal Party in general and Bob Menzies in particular. I'm never sure how much exaggeration goes into the stories I hear.

    This would be a really funny post.

    If it weren't actually true.

    Ah, I think it's funny anyway. Speaking of which, I'd love to see Abbott get the leadership, remote as that possibility may be.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ramon InsertnamehereNovember 30, 2009 at 12:29 PM

    My dad (who, by-the-way, was a mad Fenian and disloyal republican) also had a deep and passionate hatred of all things Tory.

    ReplyDelete
  7. squibNovember 30, 2009 at 1:17 PM

    I met a woman at the park who revealed that she named her bulldog Tory after the Tory Party. I don't let my dog sniff her dog's bum anymore

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ramon InsertnamehereNovember 30, 2009 at 1:22 PM

    That'll learn her, Squib.

    ReplyDelete
  9. RandomGitNovember 30, 2009 at 3:14 PM

    This whole stoush was good for a laugh until it produced a full frontal of Tony Abbott in a budgie smuggler in the paper.

    I wish he wouldn't be so Tory in public.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ramon InsertnamehereNovember 30, 2009 at 3:33 PM

    The Man Bull has just given a presser, saying "I'm not going anywhere and youse can all get fucked".

    I paraphrase only a little.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Puss In BootsNovember 30, 2009 at 5:05 PM

    I just read this article on the SMH. I still can't work out if it's sarcastic or not. I can't work out why anyone would think Tiger Woods owed it to the general public to divulge details of the car crash. Who really cares how it happened, other than gossip mongerers?

    ReplyDelete
  12. patchouligirlNovember 30, 2009 at 5:05 PM

    I find Tony Abbott very creepy but must admit he is in pretty good physical shape for a man his age. Or to put it another way, would you rather see Joe Hockey in his budgie smugglers?

    ReplyDelete
  13. JamieNovember 30, 2009 at 7:45 PM

    No time to comment. Must hang on every word of Crikey political analyst Bernard Keane about the crisis afflicting the Libs.

    ReplyDelete
  14. KettleNovember 30, 2009 at 9:39 PM

    Ramon, masterly caption writing; second only to Childe Harold's recent confusion about where he parked his car.

    And Squib, gosh your comment made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  15. come.to.mummaNovember 30, 2009 at 11:23 PM

    Ah, the Libs. Such great entertainment when they lose power... and then evidently decide the way to win back votes is implode.

    I like to watch.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dr. GolfDecember 1, 2009 at 1:46 AM

    Got to admit, Turnbull is one interesting cat.

    I reckon he gets to a point and just goes, "you know what? fuck it".

    Like when he took on Packer to save Fairfax. He's done it again, taking on his party to save the ETS. This time im not sure if its going to work.

    Cant see him going back to the backbench and waiting for another chance. More likely to go independant, or even defect to Labor. That would be the ultimate machiavellian move by Rudd.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ramon InsertnamehereDecember 1, 2009 at 9:17 AM

    Thank you Kettle.

    And let me assure you, I would never let my cat sniff the bum of somebody who owned a dog called "Tory".

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ramon InsertnamehereDecember 1, 2009 at 9:55 AM

    My God, they've chosen Abbott!

    The Libs have gone stone, cold crazy.

    I must see if I can dig out my old rosaries

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnonymousDecember 1, 2009 at 10:11 AM

    Hooray!!!

    2010 is gonna be the best election campaign ever.

    ReplyDelete
  20. PerseusDecember 1, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    God help us.

    ReplyDelete
  21. wari lasiDecember 1, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    Too true Ramon.

    Now I'd like to see the prophecy (Rundle's or Keane's?) come true. We need a new conservative force in Australian politics. The Libs are dead. Time for someone like Turnbull to start a new party and pick up the remaining (admittedly few) sane members from the Libs and Nats detritus.

    What a joke. The senate vote will be interesting. We'll soon see how much authority he has.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ramon InsertnamehereDecember 1, 2009 at 10:43 AM

    Look to the Senate.

    What will the followers of the Man Bull do.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Mr EDecember 1, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    Abbott totally aced the Bathing Suit section of the competition, Hockey never stood a chance.

    ReplyDelete
  24. PerseusDecember 1, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    Well, that's it for Stem Cells.

    ReplyDelete
  25. TubularBellsDecember 1, 2009 at 11:06 AM

    Awesome, I can start wearing my Mad Monk costume (cape, white priestly coller, big plastic ears) to parties again.

    Back in 05 I agreed to attend a leadership conference without reading the fine print on the forms, the fine print in this case being "on faith and values" so it turned out to be a right-wing christian affair. We trouped around parliment meeting pretty much everyone in the liberal party. Most of them, despite our idealogical differences, impressed me as being articulate, passionate and persuasive. Even Eric Abtez came accross well. The exception was Tony Abbott. He sat there and boasted that when the NT passed their euthanasia laws, he and the other members of the Parlimentary Bible Studies group got together and decided to overturn the legislation. Ergh, governing via a bible studies group.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Mr EDecember 1, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    Guy Sebastian tipped for Shadow Environment Portfolio.

    ReplyDelete
  27. PerseusDecember 1, 2009 at 11:35 AM

    I miss Jamie.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ramon InsertnamehereDecember 1, 2009 at 11:59 AM

    And in the meantime, a certain red-haired Deputy PM is mentally rehearsing the best ways of making Abbott's life a living hell.

    ReplyDelete
  29. MelbaDecember 1, 2009 at 5:49 PM

    Did you see that red-head's spread in the Woman's Weekly, Ramon? The best politico fashion pics evah.

    My badge is going out tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  30. patchouligirlDecember 7, 2009 at 4:03 PM

    More likely to go independant, or even defect to Labor. And I thought "you heard it here first" today when I heard he has threatened to do just that.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ramon InsertnamehereDecember 7, 2009 at 4:13 PM

    Said blog can be found here.

    ReplyDelete