Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Shame!

A national disgrace!


It seems that a giant squid – let’s call him “Jim” had a friend, another giant squid called “Bert”*.

Jim had arranged for Bert to attack a ship some months earlier and now Jim feels that Bert owed him a ship attack.

“Sure,” said Bert, “there was a ship I attacked earlier but it didn’t really work out. I can set you up with the ship to attack if you like. I’m sure it will be up to it.”

Now, I for one am appalled that giant squids are pimping out ships for their friends to attack. It’s disrespectful to the ships.

I much prefer the approach they have in Sydney, with a small group of professional giant squids meet in quiet groups to find similarly minded ships.

It’s so much more dignified.

* Not their real names, obvs.
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35 comments:

  1. patchouligirlSeptember 23, 2009 at 10:35 AM

    This story is the gift that keeps on giving.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MelbaSeptember 23, 2009 at 10:38 AM

    You are too clever by half, Ramon.

    What does that even mean?

    ReplyDelete
  3. PepsiSeptember 23, 2009 at 10:39 AM

    Where the they have lots of orgies with the ships, cause as we all know, the Sydney giant squids are usually not nice and respectful anywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 10:42 AM

    Melba, it's about giant squids pimping out ships to other giant squids.

    I would have thought it was obvious!

    I kept wanting to type "giant squibs".

    ReplyDelete
  5. PerseusSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    Did he end up having to comfort a ship of Mormons?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    He wasn't a happy giant squid by the end of the night, Pers.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Loose ShunterSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:07 AM

    But was Jim upset that the ship he was promised to attack was subsequently attacked by another squid (that was neither Jim or Bert)?

    How does rivalry over ships play out in the marine cephalopod scene?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fad MDSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:25 AM

    I wonder how one comforts a ship full of Mormons. The Mormon Tentacle Choir perhaps?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:31 AM

    It's OK, LS.

    The ship texted Jim to say "it wasn't normally that type of ship".

    OK, I'm starting to confuse myself now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mr ESeptember 23, 2009 at 11:35 AM

    One should exercise great care in choosing which ship to attack.

    Attacking the wrong ship is just a waste of seamen.

    ReplyDelete
  11. PerseusSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:38 AM

    Kitten will look at this picture of the giant squid, but all she'll see is a sperm whale.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Loose ShunterSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:39 AM

    Ramon,

    Now it starts to get a bit absurd. Wouldn't the ship run up some semaphore signals or fire off some flares instead to tell the squid "it's not normally that type of ship, it was just that the midshipmen spliced the mainbrace and it had a bit too much rum"?

    Unless something changed since I last visited the aquarium, squid can't use a mobile phone...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mr ESeptember 23, 2009 at 11:40 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:47 AM

    Good point, LS.

    See Kitten, we're using "metaphor" and "sarcasm" to product an effect called "humour".

    Or, in this case, "gibberish".

    ReplyDelete
  15. Fad MDSeptember 23, 2009 at 11:58 AM

    The ship texted Jim to say "it wasn't normally that type of ship".

    So not a Galway Hooker then?

    ReplyDelete
  16. squibSeptember 23, 2009 at 12:18 PM

    What, no Captain Nemo?!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 12:22 PM

    I couldn't find Nemo, Squib.

    ReplyDelete
  18. KettleSeptember 23, 2009 at 12:52 PM

    Ramon, what good fortune that you should post such a story. I've just recently been searching online for a group of like-minded giant squid (you know, the intelligent, professional, single kind) based in Orgy City, I mean Sydney, where I live.

    So tell me, "where is this veritable dating Avalon of which you speak?"

    [Apologies Boogeyman for speech marking instead of italicising your fine words; apparently my html tag wasn't closed and I haven't the wherewithal to close it.]

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 1:06 PM

    Kettle, I suggest discreet agencies such as "Table for Eight" or "Oh My God, it's a giant fucking squid!!!"

    Maybe you could ask giant Squib.

    ReplyDelete
  20. homesickSeptember 23, 2009 at 1:16 PM

    If another random squid, full of ink, happens along and then vomits on your ship, does a normal black blooded squid wait until it has swabbed* its deck and then continue to try to eat it at some later stage?


    *Is 'swabbed' even a word?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Loose ShunterSeptember 23, 2009 at 1:38 PM

    Homesick, yes, 'swabbed' is a word.

    In terms of cephalopod etiquette and morality, you've hit upon a grey area that may need further investigation.

    ReplyDelete
  22. KettleSeptember 23, 2009 at 2:13 PM

    Ramon, Squib would only be giant if she ate that tray of perfect cheese straws.

    Squib, what happened to that tray again?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 2:39 PM

    Could this post get anymore bizarre?

    The answer is yes, yes it could.

    ReplyDelete
  24. squibSeptember 23, 2009 at 2:40 PM

    Kettle, I suggest discreet agencies such as "Table for Eight" or "Oh My God, it's a giant fucking squid!!!"

    This is the funniest thing ever. Apart from that one that goes: Persey and a giant squid and a horse walked into a bar...

    Kettle, I gave it to starving poets. BTW how do you say 'a giant squid is eating my leg in French'?

    ReplyDelete
  25. KettleSeptember 23, 2009 at 2:54 PM

    Squib:

    "Un calmar gigantesque mange ma jambe."

    ReplyDelete
  26. KettleSeptember 23, 2009 at 2:55 PM

    Or:

    "Un calmar gigantesque mange ma jambe en français."

    ReplyDelete
  27. squibSeptember 23, 2009 at 3:03 PM

    *methinks Kettle used Foxlingo*

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 3:03 PM

    Very good Kettle.

    What's French for "Perseus is a hopeless love gumby and I despair"?

    ReplyDelete
  29. KettleSeptember 23, 2009 at 3:19 PM

    Happy to oblige, Ramon. It's:

    "Persée est un gumby d'amour sans espoir et je désespère."

    Foxlingo, Squib? Je ne comprehends pas.

    ReplyDelete
  30. CathSeptember 23, 2009 at 4:16 PM

    "Persée est un gumby d'amour sans espoir et je désespère."

    Foxlingo, Squib? Je ne comprehends pas.

    Can we have despere and comprends instead... just for some attempt at grammatical correctness? (I can't do the accent thingy's... but you get the idea.)

    I believe the words "Champagne Comedy" come to mind with this particular entry Ramon.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 23, 2009 at 4:18 PM

    Cath, I and my hyperactive muse thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  32. KettleSeptember 23, 2009 at 4:35 PM

    Cath we could have grammatical correctness if I had any idea what I was doing, but as it is, no.

    The translation site I used had a panel for 'gist translations', and I think that's pretty much what I got.

    ReplyDelete
  33. MelbaSeptember 23, 2009 at 5:17 PM

    Ramon, I got the allegory. I was questioning what the expression "too clever by halves" or whatever it is means.

    Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Ramon InsertnamehereSeptember 24, 2009 at 8:39 AM

    Ah, I see what you mean Melba.

    "Too clever by half" means when your overly intricate scheme rebounds on your own head, very much in the mannor of Edmund Blackadder.

    Or as my mum would say "if you were any sharper, you'd cut yourself".

    ReplyDelete
  35. MelbaSeptember 25, 2009 at 8:48 AM

    Well then, that's you. It was good.

    ReplyDelete