Wednesday, July 7, 2010

A piss-weak paraody of a potential Perseus post.

I was sitting in the kitchen of stately Perseus Manor, around nine in the morning.

I was just stubbing out my 137th cigarette of the day when there was a knock at the door.

It was my latest love-interest, Miss Flotilla.

“Perseus,” she said, “I’ve arrived in your quaint seaside village for the weekend. I’ve brought a small truck load of illegal pharmaceuticals and some red wine – but there will be no sex.”

“Fair enough,” I said, “come in and we’ll drink far too much coffee.”

Later that day we were drinking coffee at a cafe, discussing Foucault, when I was distracted by a conversation at the table next door. Some hippie was talking too loudly with her hippie friend about the healing powers of rainbows.

“Shut it hippie,” I snarled, “your suppositions are founded on nonsense, God does not exist and you stink of cheap incense.”

Later that night, there was a big party at my place.

Ponygirl’s brother, Ponybloke, was there, as was Feralgirl, Nuisancechick, GothGothGothGirl and some weirdo called “Bess”.

We all drank too much red wine and took too many drugs.

GothGothGothGirl and Bess ended up shagging in my bed.

I had no sex.

The end.

43 comments:

Puss In Boots said...

Ha! I love it!

RandomGit said...

Wow, it's like Perseus is standing in the room.

You forgot to launch yourself on an ill advised, life threatening journey where you barely survive by virtue of recklessness while wearing fine footwear.

No wait, he only did that once.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You forgot to launch yourself on an ill advised, life threatening journey where you barely survive by virtue of recklessness while wearing fine footwear.

I've saving that up for the second mock-Perseus post, RG.

RandomGit said...

Don't forget to actually have sex, but pay a heavy price in your regard for the intelligence of other people because of it.

squib said...

Oh that's very good. My favourite bit is

“your suppositions are founded on nonsense, God does not exist and you stink of cheap incense.”

I love it when Pers says that

squib said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Perseus said...

It's funny cos it's true.

I went to a party two weeks ago. There were about 40 people there, and I kid you not, all 40 were on drugs. I got into an argument with one hippy chick about astrology, and discussed Derrida with another bloke at 3am as I was ransacking the kitchen looking for coffee.

Also at the party was...

* My ex lover Miss Artist, who I forgot to talk to.

* Spiderwoman, a 20 year old goth girl, who I snogged at the party and groped her boobs, but then we kind of went our separate ways.

* The Songstress, who I proposed marriage to at the party and she said she'd let me know

* Ponygirl, who I went home with at 5am but we were too drugged and drunk to have sex.

So, four kind-of lovers, and I still managed to not get sex.

But I was the only one at the party in a suit and tie.

Perseus said...

PS: Because Bigpond are morons, I've had no internet at home for 2 weeks (but at least they've admitted they stuffed up, and when I get re-connected, they have promised me three months' free internet... but they'll probably stuff that up as well.)

TSFKA loads badly at my office. It crashes every time, and it's a lucky dip if I hit 'refresh'. It's so annoying, I give up.

I shall be back properly online soon, and have reviews of a lesser-known Shakespeare and The Bible on the way for the book blog.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yay, Pers is back.

Now all I have to do is write a mock-Squib post, talking about obscure Spainish poets and my work here is done.

Puss In Boots said...

Not going to attempt a fashion post, Ramon?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'll leave that in your very capable hands, Puss.

squib said...

I'm planning to post Littlesquib's EXTREME Narnia birthday party photos soon. It will surely deserve a piss-take

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

How do you cope with the heavy God-bothering aspect of the Narnia stories, Squib?

squib said...

I turn it into a science lesson about snowflakes, Ramon

Alex said...

All we need now is an attack from Boogeyman.

I would have thought the Narnia thing would be easy to handle if you ignore the analogy and just take it all literally - which kids are usually pretty good at doing.

I'm starting to find the subtle Swinton connections a little bit disconcerting, though. Maybe I'm getting paranoid.

Melba said...

1. That post was far too short, Ramon.

2. Nice one, at getting Perseus out of the shadows of internetlessness.

3. You forgot about the homeopaths. Or will that be in your mock post about, er, yourself?

4. Looking forward to squib's party pics.

5. How are your glasses, Ramon? Clearly they are doing good work. Or helping you do good work.

6. Now we just need to get Bob back.

patchouligirl said...

A welcome relief from political posts. Picking on hippies tripping over rainbows is pretty safe.

eat my shorts said...

The Songstress, who I proposed marriage to at the party and she said she'd let me know

Ooohh. What if she says 'yes'? What then?

I, too look forward to an EXTREME Narnia birthday party post, Squib.

Alex said...

Had any luck working "dick-biscuits" into your daily vocabulary, EMS?

Perseus, does your office internet problem affect sites other than this one? Is it a recent problem? When you say it crashes, do you mean the browser crashes or the site just fails to load? Are you using office filtering?

eat my shorts said...

So off topic it's not funny, but had to share:

Poor Kevin.

eat my shorts said...

Oooh, yes Alex! Yesterday my flatmate did a big fart & I called him a dick biscuit! It went down a treat.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The Songstress, who I proposed marriage to at the party

You've known this woman how long?

RandomGit said...

Dealing with religion in Narnia is easy.

Kid: So the talking lion is supposed to be Jesus?

Me: Yes Son.

Kid: .... why a talking Lion?

Me: Because much like Jesus, it is a total fallacy.

Parable FAIL!

patchouligirl said...

The Lion in Narnia is supposed to be Jesus? I missed that.

Melba said...

As a kid I loved "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" and a couple of the other books in the series. They aren't conversionist, you can read them without even gleaning their religious nature, it's only adults with their grubby pro-religious/anti-religious minds that insist on interpreting the stories so. I know Lewis was a great believer, I have books he wrote on religion and I know he wrote them intentionally with all the religious references in mind BUT kids can read them without all that stuff. I don't think it's subliminal or brainwashy. As an irrepresible atheist I have no problem with my kid reading the Narnia stuff, because she doesn't see all the referencing. She doesn't see the stuff in Pullman's series either. They are all just good stories. Much like another series of books we all know, the real trilogy of the religious books.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

A lion with miraculous powers who sacrifices himself for his followers but then comes back to life, Patchie.

You missed that?

squib said...

I read all the books twice as a kid and I'm a militant atheist so it didn't hurt me none

BigSquib (15) hadn't noticed the talking lion Jesus thing either

Alex said...

I'll bet Kevin the Kestrel didn't really fall. More likely he was pushed by a big ginger cat.

It also took me quite a while to twig to the religious overtones in the Narnia books. It's not like magical talking animals, and themes like sacrifice and rebirth are completely unheard of in children's literature.

RandomGit said...

Melba, I agree wholeheartedly.

But between saying something sensible and taking the piss, I just got to start spraying.

Boogeyman said...

A lion with miraculous powers who sacrifices himself for his followers but then comes back to life, Patchie.

You missed that?


Even though I was aware of C.S Lewis's Christian bent in his Narnia series, I just saw that part as being a theme that is often found in mythology - self-sacrifice to redeem others.

Melba said...

Yes, Boogey, not such an uncommon theme in many non-religious works.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I think the whole "coming back to life" schtick was a bit of a dead give-away.

Mr E Discharge said...

Even though I was aware of C.S Lewis's Christian bent in his Narnia series, I just saw that part as being a theme that is often found in mythology - self-sacrifice to redeem others.

Joseph Campbell in his book "The Hero with a Thousand Faces" cites that as a key theme in all mythology. Part of what he calls the monomyth.

I would have thought a better choice for a literary discussion rising out of a Perseus post (mock or otherwise) would centre around J M Barrie's play "Peter Pan - The boy who wouldn't Grow Up".

Boogeyman said...

One can't accuse modern Christian mythologists of originality, Ramon.

patchouligirl said...

it's only adults with their grubby pro-religious/anti-religious minds that insist on interpreting the stories so

I've never had anything to do with any religion and because it's not something I think about I didn't notice the reference in Narnia. Your children are safe Melba.

Alex said...

Isn't being reborn, rising from the dead, or coming back to life in some form or another, a part of most ancient mythology, too?

Alex said...

Oh, and while I agree with you Mr E, I think this particular 'literaty discussion' has risen more from Squib's LittleSquib's birthday party.

Melba said...

I'm not quite sure what you're saying patchouligirl, but I think I agree with you.

And Ramon, was it a giveaway when you read it as a kid? Did you read it as a kid?

I think a talking lion who is good and sacrifices himself can be accepted by a child as just being a "good guy" and "magic." I don't think the religious overtones are obvious at all from a kid's perspective. I wonder what Christian kids make of it on a first reading, without anyone pointing it out to them? Do they make the connection? Would be interesting to know. Anyone know a Christian kid they can ask?

Melba said...

PS LEMONS!

Melba said...

PS LEMONS!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Melbs, I read all the Narnia books when I was - from memory - about 10.

The religiousness of it all didn't strike me until I was about 14 or 15.

Melba said...

But did someone tell you about it? Or did you work it out for yourself with absolutely no help?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I worked it out myself, Melbs.

I was intensly religious as a child.

Then I discovered Marx.

And chicks.