Friday, June 24, 2011

The greatest PSF EVAH!


Let us sail. Sail with
Fogarty’s chin to Alexandria,
While the Beamish Brothers
Hurry giggling to the tower,
Proud of their gums.

A thousands years passed since
Agamemnon said, “Don’t open
The gates, who the hell needs
A wooden horse that size?”
What is the connection? Only
That Shaunnesy, with dying
Breath, refused to order an
Appetizer with his meal although
He was entitled to it.

And brave Bixby, despite his
Resemblance to a woodpecker,
Could not retrieve his underwear
From Socrates without a ticket.

Parnell had the answer, but no
One would ask him the question.
No one but old Lafferty, whose
Lapis lazuli practical joke caused
A whole generation to take
Samba lessons.

True, Homer was blind and that
Accounted for why he dated those
Particular women.
But Aegnus and the druids bear
Mute testimony to man’s quest
For free alterations.
Blake dreamed of it too, and
O’Higgins who had his suit
Stolen while he was still in it.

Civilisation is shaped like a
Circle and repeats itself, while
O’Leary’s head is shaped like
A trapezoid.
Rejoice! Rejoice! And call your
Mother once in a while.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Big Man has left the band.

Shut yer neck, hipsters!

News from the United States that saxophonist Clarence Clemons, famously known as the “Big Man” from Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band, has died aged 69.

I was never the huge Springsteen fan my comrades from the ALP Club in the mid-1980s were, but I know enough about the Band and its music to have an appreciation of what this must mean for Springsteen fans – and indeed, for Mr Springsteen himself.

I remember with bemused fondness a car trip to Adelaide at the time with a comrade - now a senior member of the Gillard Cabinet* - who, for the entire trip, discussed in some detail the political meaning of every single Springsteen song and why they were all endorsements of democratic socialism.

I suppose this is what getting older is all about; the slow dropping away of all the meaningful events and people from your past, until all that you’re left with is confusion and the mild contempt of the young.

I think that’s something for us all to look forward to.

OK – that’s not a very upbeat ending.

On the weekend, when the family is away, I’ll play "Born to Run" until the blood is dripping from the speakers and the hipsters next door are threatening legal action.

So I will.

* Strange but true.

Monday, June 20, 2011

There at it still

I told you there's no apostrophe in 'tacos', cunt

I'm quite aware that I, and perhaps others, have posted in the past about poor spelling, grammar and punctuation. But despite that, people of the world haven't, surprisingly, taken heed of my contempt. And I don't just refer to abbreviated text-speak, although that certainly doesn't help, but outrageous clunkers contained within long hand sentences, on shop signage and, most rampantly, in the comments columns of YouTube and newspapers, and Facebook 'walls'.

The following are some of the most common mistakes.

The Apostrophe

Of course, the classic bit of punctuation that is misused more than any other. People who place apostrophes in words that are simple plurals CAN GET FUCKED.

Just in the last few days I've seen avocado's, box's, apple's and spa's.


If you asked the writers of these abominations why they threw an apostrophe in, they wouldn't know. Well, of course they wouldn't know because there can't be a reason!

And of course then there's the missed apostrophe, such as Johns Diner, the misplaced apostrophe, such as childrens' clothes, and the downright confounding Im.

And despite it feeling a little like a possessive, there is no apostrophe in Its feet.


Check any thread of commentary on YouTube. 9 out of 10 times somebody writes any version of the above words, it's the wrong one. They just don't know. They probably don't care. Don't people realise they're means they are? If they do know that, why do they write "Hey, there wrong about that, and Im right!!!!!"

It's impossible to read that without initially misunderstanding it. Unless you're 90% of the population who thinks it's correct.

Multiple exclamation/question marks

One's enough!


Should have v should of

It's SHOULD HAVE! Enough said.

David Mitchell is quite likely one of the finest blokes around and he's much more witty and eloquent than me, so I'll let him take it from here:

Friday, June 17, 2011

Poetry Slam Friday

(I picked this one because it reminded me of Bob and Ramon)

Dear mother, dear mother, the Church is cold;
But the Alehouse is healthy, and pleasant, and warm.
Besides, I can tell where I am used well;
The poor parsons with wind like a blown bladder swell.

But, if at the Church they would give us some ale,
And a pleasant fire our souls to regale,
We'd sing and we'd pray all the livelong day,
Nor ever once wish from the Church to stray.

Then the Parson might preach, and drink, and sing,
And we'd be as happy as birds in the spring;
And modest Dame Lurch, who is always at church,
Would not have bandy children, nor fasting, nor birch.

And God, like a father, rejoicing to see
His children as pleasant and happy as he,
Would have no more quarrel with the Devil or the barrel,
But kiss him, and give him both drink and apparel.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Top Ten Australian Albums

Look over there everybody, it's the ALP party line

I was having a discussion via email with Perseus about all time best Australian albums. This was instigated as a result of my accidental stumbling over the Triple J top Australian album list as voted by the industry, while perusing the ABC website.

Here is that list.

Perseus retorted with his own list, which I will boldly publish below without his consent:

Tender Prey - Nick cave
10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 - Midnight Oil
(I'm) Stranded - The Saints
X-Aspirations - X
Black Milk - Beasts of Bourbon
Living in the 70s - Skyhooks
Great Truckin' Songs of the Renaissance - TISM
Hit Me With the Surreal feel - Kim Salmon
Prayers on Fire - Birthday Party
No More Shall We Part - Nick Cave

Chagrined, I retorted with my own list:

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 - Midnight Oil
Place Without a Postcard - Midnight Oil
No More Shall We Part - Nick Cave
Murder Ballads - Nick Cave
Sound As Ever - You Am I
(I'm) Stranded - The Saints
Gossip - Paul Kelly & The Coloured Girls
Stoneage Romeos - Hoodoo Gurus
Night of the Wolverine - Dave Graney and the Coral Snakes
Human Frailty - Hunters & Collectors
The Honeymoon is Over - The Cruel Sea

Goodness, these were crazy times:

Interesting things wot I have learned, part 26.

I'm getting funny looks on public transport because of you, Missy!

This week I’ve learned that if you sing along to the chorus of “Written on the Forehead” from Let England Shake – which from memory is “Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn, burn, burn” – you get funny looks from people on the train.

I’ve also learned that if you sing along to the track sampled on “Written on the Forehead” – in which a Jamaican fellow is singing cheerfully about “Blood, blood, blood. Blood and fire” – people start moving nervously towards the emergency exits.

Apart from that, the album is an absolute cracker.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Poetry Slam Friday on Friday! Fancy!!

So there, EMS!

I sought a theme and sought for it in vain,
I sought it daily for six weeks or so.
Maybe at last, being but a broken man,
I must be satisfied with my heart, although
Winter and summer till old age began
My circus animals were all on show,
Those stilted boys, that burnished chariot,
Lion and woman and the Lord knows what.

What can I but enumerate old themes,
First that sea-rider Oisin led by the nose
Through three enchanted islands, allegorical dreams,
Vain gaiety, vain battle, vain repose,
Themes of the embittered heart, or so it seems,
That might adorn old songs or courtly shows;
But what cared I that set him on to ride,
I, starved for the bosom of his faery bride.

And then a counter-truth filled out its play,
'The Countess Cathleen' was the name I gave it;
She, pity-crazed, had given her soul away,
But masterful Heaven had intervened to save it.
I thought my dear must her own soul destroy
So did fanaticism and hate enslave it,
And this brought forth a dream and soon enough
This dream itself had all my thought and love.

And when the Fool and Blind Man stole the bread
Cuchulain fought the ungovernable sea;
Heart-mysteries there, and yet when all is said
It was the dream itself enchanted me:
Character isolated by a deed
To engross the present and dominate memory.
Players and painted stage took all my love,
And not those things that they were emblems of.

Those masterful images because complete
Grew in pure mind, but out of what began?
A mound of refuse or the sweepings of a street,
Old kettles, old bottles, and a broken can,
Old iron, old bones, old rags, that raving slut
Who keeps the till. Now that my ladder's gone,
I must lie down where all the ladders start
In the foul rag and bone shop of the heart.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Well yes, but it is winter.

Brrrr, bit chilly!

Well, it’s been hailing and snowing in some suburbs, we haven’t see the sun for some time and the temperature is struggling to reach double figures* and quite frankly I’m sick of those idiots whose soul conversation consists of “oh, isn’t it cold, I’m so cold, aren’t you cold, gosh it’s cold”.

Well, it’s freckin’ winter. It comes around every freckin’ year.

Honestly, it’s as though we’re turning into a bunch of nimby-pimby, namby-pamby Sydneyites**.

Winter in Melbourne is the perfect time for hearty soups, hearty steaks and hearty stouts, open fires in pubs, wearing black all the time and sneering***.

Suck it up.

*Rather like the Australian cricket team.

** Also rather like the Australian cricket team.

***Oh, wait. We do that all the time.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

These and other questions will be answered later

"A price on carbon you say? Across Middle Earth? Shit, yeah!!

Learn how Lizzie met an Aussie
Told her girlfriend Mary-Anne
"Mary-Anne I've met a man who says he's an Austray-lee-an"
"Fallen for him have your Lizzie?"
Lizzie blushing shook her head
Said Mary-Anne "don't think you can fool me" and then she said:

Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, is he?
Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, eh?
Is it because he is an Aussie that he keeps you busy Lizzie?
Has he jazzy ways and does he make you go all fuzzy wuzzy?
Got you dizzy, has he Lizzie?
Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, eh?"

"Seems this digger likes my figure"
Lizzie then told Mary-Anne
"Likes my ways and claims to think I'm
what these Aussies call fair-dinkum"
"Throws a fond eye, talks of Bondi
And he's tried to kiss me twice
When I said 'No' he said 'Good-oh'"
Said Mary-Anne "How nice"

Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, is he?
Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, eh?
Is it because he is an Aussie that he keeps you busy Lizzie?
Has he jazzy ways and does he make you go all fuzzy wuzzy?
Got you dizzy, has he Lizzie?
Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, eh?"

Soon this wonder from Down Under
Got himself right down to biz
Lost no time in coaxing Liz
To promise that she would be his
He being well-born, lived in Melbourne
So they sailed at once for there
Poor Mary-Anne without a man
Repeats this maiden's prayer:

"Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, is he?
Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, eh?
Is it because he is an Aussie that he keeps you busy Lizzie?
Has he jazzy ways and does he make you go all fuzzy wuzzy?
Got you dizzy, has he Lizzie?
Is he an Aussie, Lizzie, eh?"
(he's a bonza bloke)