Thursday, January 20, 2011

God's Performance Review

So there, God!


Human resources consultant, Colin Rawlings, interviews God as a part of God's tri-millennial performance review.

*

Colin: (intercom) Margaret, could you please send in the next client.

Margaret: Certainly, Colin.

Margaret appears at the door standing beside a man with a long, grey beard.

Margaret: Colin, this is God.

Colin: Thank you Margaret.

Margaret sidles off.

Colin: Take a seat, God.

God: Thanks.

Colin: Now, I've just been reviewing the information you provided.You omitted to specify your area of responsibility.

God: There wasn't enough room on the form.

Colin: Well, in summary?

God: Oh, I suppose I'd say responsibility for the entire universe.

Colin: (writing) entire universe. Big job, huh?

God: Keeps me out of trouble.

Colin: Sure, sure. Look I have to say the feedback hasn't been great.

God: Who says?

Colin: Well, there's a comment here..."If there's a benevolent God why is there so much evil in the world?"

God: Who says I'm benevolent?

Colin: It's in the job description.

God: What job description?

Colin: You would have received a job description when you first started.

God: That was ages ago.

Colin: Well you should've kept it.

God: Yeah, well. Anyway, who said it?

Colin: It's confidential.

God: Go on.

Colin: Epicurus.

God: That arsehole.

Colin: Well he has a valid point.

God: Well I've been busy. Can't stop everything.

Colin: Ok, well I have a copy of the job description here for future reference.

God: (Reading) Bloody hell. Omniscience! I don't even know what that means!

Colin: Keep reading.

God: Omnipotence? What's that?

Colin: All powerful. You can do anything.

God: You're shitting me? I can't even boil an egg.

Colin: And then there's omnipresence.

God: Which is?

Colin: Being everywhere at once.

God: Jesus, that'd be handy for the Missus when I'm down the pub.

Colin: Look, apart from evil, there's also a lot of feedback about the environment. Global warming and all that.

God: That's man made!

Colin: But you made man.

God: Yes, yes.

Colin: In your image.

God: I didn't anticipate mass vehicular transport.

Colin: What about coal?

God: I didn't know anyone would burn it.

Colin: Fatal diseases is a topic that comes up a lot too.

God: Oh now you want a cure for cancer! Ask much.

Colin: Look, quite simply, I think you've neglected your duties. And many agree.

God: I sent Jesus down.

Colin: What have you done in the last 2000 years?

God: Um...

Colin: Well frankly, there's an increasing number of people who don't believe in you.

God: Sounds like you don't believe in me.

Colin: I mean they don't believe you exist.

God: Well I guess I do keep a low profile. I don't like crowds.

Colin: Perhaps you should intervene more.

God: I used to do that but it wasn't popular.

Colin: So I hear.

God: They even wrote a book about it.

Colin: Yes I read that. I'm afraid it wasn't very flattering.

God: I could strike some people down with lightening or something. Start a plague.

Colin: Perhaps something more benevolent.

God: Oh yeah. Like what?

Colin: Stop wars, famine, suffering.

God: Or invent a way for people to communicate over long distances!

Colin: I'm afraid it's been done

God: Oh.

Colin: Well it'll take some thought.

God: Yeah, ok, I'm starting to see some possibilities.

Colin: Ok, well you put some thought into it, read my report and some of the feedback and we'll speak about it next time.

God: Ok, thanks for your time.

Colin: No, no. Thanks for coming in. On your way out make an appointment with Margaret for around 3000 years from now.

God: Can I make it a Wednesday?

Colin: See what's available. When you come in we'll have another look at how you're going.

God: Cool, thanks Colin. See you then.

Colin: Well I won't be here but good luck with it.

God: Cheers.

27 comments:

RandomGit said...

Well done sir! Next time, a potted debate on the true source of morality without God. Always stinks up the clergy, it's the Black Russian of theological debate.

Theological is my favourite oxymoron.

Kettle said...

That's gold, Bob. You write fine dialogue.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Very funny, Bob.

squib said...

God: Oh now you want a cure for cancer! Ask much.

hah!I love it (can picture it taking place in Slough)

and Epicurus, what a guy

patchouligirl said...

Beautifully done - very funny.

Mr E Discharge said...

Nice work Bob.

Thank you for avoiding any reference to cricket.

Where do you stand on the issue of setting a mandatory retirement age for gods?

Personally I think the present incumbents best days are well and truly behind him and he's becoming more of a liability with each passing day.

Surely with the resources at hand we can come up with a better supreme being?

Alex said...

Surely with the resources at hand we can come up with a better supreme being?

John Faulkner, maybe? He seems like a reasonable choice and it is a bit of a shame to just have him languishing on the backbench.

Or there's Squib? At the very least, I reckon she'd make a decent messiah.

Kettle said...

Faulkner or Squib?

Seriously, Alex, how would we decide between the two?

squib said...

(This is getting a bit Monty Python)

At primary school I played this game where I was *The Rightful Ruler of All the Universes. My friends had parts too but one day someone complained, "Why do you always get to be the ruler of everything?"

Well! "Do you think it's easy being the ruler? I have to come up with the plot everyday and the dialogue. Oh my God, it's soooooo stressful being the ruler. If you want to swap, go ahead - I'll be glad to give my brain a rest."

Megalomania much!

*space, time, etc etc

Kettle, you'd pick Faulkner like a shot, you judas

Lewd Bob said...

it's soooooo stressful being the ruler

It's much worse being the stapler.

squib said...

groan

Alex said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alex said...

Seriously, Alex, how would we decide between the two?

If it came down to it, Kettle, I think the proper thing to do would be to split into two groups and have a long and bloody war over which group had rightful ownership of this webspace.

Melba said...

But how would we decide the two groups, Alex?

Fab dialogue, Bob. As ever.

Alex said...

Personal preference? Draw lots? I don't think it matters that much, Melba. The important thing is that we get to dehumanising and persecuting each other as quickly as possible.

Kettle said...

If it came down to it, Kettle, I think the proper thing to do would be to split into two groups and have a long and bloody war over which group had rightful ownership of this webspace.

I reckon Squib and Faulks would head to the pub, share a few beers and a vegetarian nachoes and leave us to battle it out ourselves.

Kettle, you'd pick Faulkner like a shot, you judas

Whoa! Way to come our swinging, Squib. Faulks is only slightly ahead because of his specs. If you fashion equally magnificent eye-wear I'll reconsider.

Alex said...

In other words, Kettle, you reckon they'd piss off and do nothing while their devotees committed senseless atrocities in their names?

Sounds about like what gods do, I suppose.

wari lasi said...

Love your work as usual Bob.

I hadn't heard of Epicurus, but I like him. Google here I come ...

Kettle said...

Happy birthday, Squibsy!

Have a rockin' day xx

squib said...

thanks Kettle. I watched a BBC period drama (there was a nice young man in a kilt!!) and ate salt and vinegar crisps and drank a lot of beer and caught up with friends. Also, my oldest girl got me a Holly Hobbie necklace and a Charles Darwin journal

eat my shorts said...

Sigh. Awesome. I have missed all youse while I've been settling back into Aussie life.

Bob, that's the most brilliant thing I've read in teh ages.

And happy belated birthday Squib. Sounds like it was fantabulous.

Alex said...

Yes, happy birthday, Squib. I'm kind of disappointed that you didn't have some sort of fantastically-themed extravaganza (though I guess BBC & Booze sort of counts as a theme).

Now that you're back, EMS, how about giving us a round-up/look-back/ponderous-reflection type spiel about your time away? You know, if you feel like it and stuff.

eat my shorts said...

Hmm. That could be arranged. I guess. If you're really interested.

I like lists so I might do it that way.

Leave it with me.

eat my shorts said...

Stuff wot I learnt living in England for a bit:

- Living with an ex boyfriend is never a good idea. Even if you are good mates.
- English people dump a lot of rubbish on their motorways.
- England (or at least London) has a smell. It's mouldy and mildewy.
- Pear cider is freaking awesome.
- To be considered a real Londoner, you never take your Oyster out of your wallet to tap in/out at Tube stations. Oh, and you always always stand on the right to go up escalators, even when not at a Tube station.
- Only tourists actually shop on Oxford Street.
- You can try and recreate the famous Beatles album cover at Abbey Road, but the zebra crossing has moved so it won't be exactly the same.
- English people take football (soccer) very very seriously.
- Walking around in snow is fine, it's when it turns to ice that it's really dangerous. But it only does that if the temperature stays at or below zero degrees.
- Londoners don't like all the Polish people who come over to work in the city. They don't seem to integrate like other groups have. And they like to have little yappy dogs as pets (the Polish people).
- Monster Munch is awesome.
- Cadbury Wispas are awesome.
- It's kind of handy being able to buy your alcohol while you get your groceries.
- Nobody in London can understand why anyone from Australia would want to live there.
- You can visit pretty much any pub in London and you'll find that it has been (or claims to have been) frequented by Dr Samuel Johnson (my favourite of these is The Olde Cheshire Cheese in Fleet Street).

And that's all I can think of at the moment.

Lewd Bob said...

You can visit pretty much any pub in London and you'll find that it has been (or claims to have been) frequented by Dr Samuel Johnson

That's hilarious. You could also substitute Johnson for Dickens.

Alex said...

Very nice, EMS. You've talked about Wispas before, but is there any chance you could enlighten me on "Monster Munch"?

eat my shorts said...

That's hilarious. You could also substitute Johnson for Dickens.

I actually had Dickens written in there and deleted it - but, absolutely. Those two certainly liked to get around London's pubs.

Alex, all you need to know about Monster Munch can be found here and here. Some people wrongly believe that the Beef flavour is best. But they are wrong because the Pickled Onion flavour is best.