Thursday, January 20, 2011
God's Performance Review
Human resources consultant, Colin Rawlings, interviews God as a part of God's tri-millennial performance review.
Colin: (intercom) Margaret, could you please send in the next client.
Margaret: Certainly, Colin.
Margaret appears at the door standing beside a man with a long, grey beard.
Margaret: Colin, this is God.
Colin: Thank you Margaret.
Margaret sidles off.
Colin: Take a seat, God.
Colin: Now, I've just been reviewing the information you provided.You omitted to specify your area of responsibility.
God: There wasn't enough room on the form.
Colin: Well, in summary?
God: Oh, I suppose I'd say responsibility for the entire universe.
Colin: (writing) entire universe. Big job, huh?
God: Keeps me out of trouble.
Colin: Sure, sure. Look I have to say the feedback hasn't been great.
God: Who says?
Colin: Well, there's a comment here..."If there's a benevolent God why is there so much evil in the world?"
God: Who says I'm benevolent?
Colin: It's in the job description.
God: What job description?
Colin: You would have received a job description when you first started.
God: That was ages ago.
Colin: Well you should've kept it.
God: Yeah, well. Anyway, who said it?
Colin: It's confidential.
God: Go on.
God: That arsehole.
Colin: Well he has a valid point.
God: Well I've been busy. Can't stop everything.
Colin: Ok, well I have a copy of the job description here for future reference.
God: (Reading) Bloody hell. Omniscience! I don't even know what that means!
Colin: Keep reading.
God: Omnipotence? What's that?
Colin: All powerful. You can do anything.
God: You're shitting me? I can't even boil an egg.
Colin: And then there's omnipresence.
God: Which is?
Colin: Being everywhere at once.
God: Jesus, that'd be handy for the Missus when I'm down the pub.
Colin: Look, apart from evil, there's also a lot of feedback about the environment. Global warming and all that.
God: That's man made!
Colin: But you made man.
God: Yes, yes.
Colin: In your image.
God: I didn't anticipate mass vehicular transport.
Colin: What about coal?
God: I didn't know anyone would burn it.
Colin: Fatal diseases is a topic that comes up a lot too.
God: Oh now you want a cure for cancer! Ask much.
Colin: Look, quite simply, I think you've neglected your duties. And many agree.
God: I sent Jesus down.
Colin: What have you done in the last 2000 years?
Colin: Well frankly, there's an increasing number of people who don't believe in you.
God: Sounds like you don't believe in me.
Colin: I mean they don't believe you exist.
God: Well I guess I do keep a low profile. I don't like crowds.
Colin: Perhaps you should intervene more.
God: I used to do that but it wasn't popular.
Colin: So I hear.
God: They even wrote a book about it.
Colin: Yes I read that. I'm afraid it wasn't very flattering.
God: I could strike some people down with lightening or something. Start a plague.
Colin: Perhaps something more benevolent.
God: Oh yeah. Like what?
Colin: Stop wars, famine, suffering.
God: Or invent a way for people to communicate over long distances!
Colin: I'm afraid it's been done
Colin: Well it'll take some thought.
God: Yeah, ok, I'm starting to see some possibilities.
Colin: Ok, well you put some thought into it, read my report and some of the feedback and we'll speak about it next time.
God: Ok, thanks for your time.
Colin: No, no. Thanks for coming in. On your way out make an appointment with Margaret for around 3000 years from now.
God: Can I make it a Wednesday?
Colin: See what's available. When you come in we'll have another look at how you're going.
God: Cool, thanks Colin. See you then.
Colin: Well I won't be here but good luck with it.