Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Things We Do For Love

Big Mac, aka Funburger.


As mentioned previously, I have a girlfriend, Andromeda. Being single for almost five years before that I got used to doing things my way; not having to socially compromise on anything, always being able to choose what's on the telly and what music is playing when I do the housework, and eating what I want and when I want.

Whilst Andromeda is happy to eat whatever I prepare or suggest (when we go out), left alone to her own devices, she has pretty junky eating habits. Like all cliche girls, chocolate is its own food group in her diet, as are these hideous packeted food-drinks called 'Up n Go' (I had one sip and nearly spewed - it tasted like soggy weetbix that had been left on the table for a whole day, in the sun). She also likes Red Bull (I had one sip of that too - all my teeth decayed by 10%).

She also likes McDonalds. Which is a problem, because I've maintained a blackban on McDonalds since 1989 (though I did have a long macchiato from Maccas in 2007, at 2am, on drugs, drunk, and attempting (and failing) to pick up a chick who happened to want a Cheeseburger at that time).

I have been proud of my 22 year blackban, irrational as it is. I don't think McDonalds is any more evil than any other franchise of anything, but like Nike, Nescafe, Microsoft and USA, being the biggest at some enterprise means being the principal target of anti-capitalist ire, but I'm sure that Le Coq Sportif, Moccona, Norton and Norway would be just as evil given half the chance. I eat Hungry Jacks occasionally, but not Maccas - that's irrational, but sometimes, it's nice to just stick to something, no matter how inconvenient it is so as to feel some sense of discipline, or achievement. I set myself a boundary, and kept to it.

But recently, at a dinner party, I made mention of my 22 year ban on McDonalds, and Andomeda said to me, "...that's because you're anti-fun!"

I argued that the eating or non-eating of McDonalds had nothing to do with 'fun', and that indeed, I am a LOT of fun even with the absence of Maccas - hell, the other night, I read Jack London's 'Call Of The Wild' on my I-phone in three hours whilst stroking her hair when she was asleep! I'm a lot of fun! But she wouldn't be deterred. She, somewhat wrongly, but a lot rightly, pointed out that my lifestyle, with the exception of when I have a few drinks under my belt, revolves around arty musings, political debates and lazing on the couch watching sport.

So, two nights ago, we drove to Colac to do a big grocery shop (because there's so many poor people there, the groceries are real cheap - kalamata olives at $7.99 a kilo!) and planned to get fish n chips, but it was shut. "I want McDonalds" she said so I went to the drive through (which they spelt 'thru', which nearly made me crash), and she ordered a cheeseburger, some chicken nuggets and a watered down coke, and before I knew it, obviously with the 'anti-fun' jibe rattling in my head, I heard myself order a Big Mac and medium fries.

It was like riding a bike. One bite into the Big Mac and I thought, "I remember this". An hour later, when I felt nauseous, fat, sickly and lethargic, I thought, "I remember this as well".

I was right to instil a ban on that crap food for 22 years, but here's the rub: I enjoyed it. Sort of. I enjoyed not having to get out of the car, and to be fed, cheaply and quickly, with food that whilst disgusting on almost every measurement, was good for both my appetite and my relationship. Also, I proved I was capable of 'fun', and now that I've proven it to her, I can give Maccas another 22 year wide berth.


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Wasn't that a 10cc song?

Don't tell me Andromeda has got you listening to 10cc as well?!

Anonymous said...

Macca's and fun, eh? My siblings' spawn think Macca's is the very definition of fun. That's because it's the closest thing they have to a playground near their house. I suppose, even when they're older, they'll have that association burned into their brains. Shame.

I think you were probably right to avoid it on the basis of the food being shit. And it almost sounds like you caved because someone did the equivalent of flapping their elbows and saying "buk, buk, buuurk". Still, I doubt it's anything you'll regret. And if it makes you feel better, your musey, debatey, lazy, hair-strokey life still sound about 3½ times more exciting than mine.

Thru: I see this written a lot of places, now. I was starting to think it was standard American English. Is it not?

Perseus said...

Ramon, fortunately, she hasn't made me listen to 10CC. Unfortunately, she makes me listen to much, much worse. She played something called 'Beyonce' to me the other day, which, in case you didn't know, is some sort of singing buttocks.

Alex - it is not standard American English, but it is standard Idiot English.

squib said...

I have to say I'm quite fond of a filet-o-fish burger with fries & OJ & TWO extra salt sachets. I guess that's why I'm fun personified

WitchOne said...

Bwahahahaha, eldest child missed out on a couple of years worth of birthday parties at with friends because said parties were being "held" at McDonalds. Now I've relented he thinks it's the best. food. ever. A belief I just hope he grows out of.

In the meantime he hasn't had the bad taste to suggest he has a party anywhere but home. Lucky for him.

RandomGit said...

(which they spelt 'thru', which nearly made me crash)

Fuck me, you're a funny bastard!

Maccas sell an experience, not food stuffs. Just watch the marketing.

ToneMasterTone said...

No Beyonce love? Now that really is anti-fun.

I'm neither a woman nor independent, yet nothing brings me more joy than throwing up my hands at Beyonce (More info here: )

patchouligirl said...

Parenthood changed my whole attitude to Maccas. When you don't have kids, it's easy to avoid Maccas, apart from on those long trips up the Pacific Highway where Maccas at Port Macquarie, Grafton or somewhere are the best pitstop purely based on speed and convenience. Once you have a child however, this all changes. There are such things as play cafes, which serve the same food as Maccas but you have to pay around $8 to get in and then another $6 or so for the chips/nugget/sugar drink meal. At Maccas you get free entry to the play area and the happy meals (most of which your child under 5 won't eat anyway) are under $5. In addition, the happy meals are actually very good value because of the toys. Not only do these toys provide entertainment in the car for a good half hour after the meal, but they continue to put in service for a long time afterwards. We have the entire plastic cast of Shrek inhabiting a dolls house and recently picked up a kung fu panda courtesy of the happy meal. There is a collection of books about frogs, mammals and dinosaurs that we still read from other happy meals. My only complaint is that they should have a recycle bin for all the cardboard boxes but otherwise, Maccas seem to do kids meals cheaper, faster and better than anyone else can. It seems strange that they are setting the bar for this and you wouldn't think it would be so hard to beat them, but so far, no one has.

Anonymous said...

My only complaint is that they should have a recycle bin for all the cardboard boxes

I'm afraid I've become a little jaded about recycling bins, Patchy. Not that I think they're a bad idea, but I remember hearing about one local council up here whose ten-year recycling plan was to give everyone a yellow-topped bin - the contents of which were then dumped into landfill, along with the general waste. This apparently got sorted after the council amalgamations a few years back, but it does make you wonder how much of it goes on.

eat my shorts said...

Perseus. Honestly. If you want to stick your dick in her (or heaven's above, have some kind of long-lasting relationship with her), then for christ's sake, suck it up princess. She likes trash. You don't. She eats trash. You don't have to. FFS.

And fuck you, you cunt. I haven't had McDonalds for five years and all I want now is a fucking cunting Big Mac. You suck dogs balls.

one local council up here whose ten-year recycling plan was to give everyone a yellow-topped bin - the contents of which were then dumped into landfill, along with the general waste.

I've got one of those yellow-topped bins. I'll bet our garbos don't recycle that shit. Here I am stressing out about what goes in that fucker & I'll bet they all end up in the same place anyway. I'm going to shove a pizza box (which I only thought of thanks to the McDonalds business above thankyouverymuch Perseus - if I get fat it's your fault) in the yellow top one & see what happens next bin day. If I get one of those nasty notes giving me a ticking off for putting food related crap in the recycling bin, I'll let youse know.

WitchOne said...

I love you when you get Feisty EMS.

Mr E Discharge said...

And fuck you, you cunt. I haven't had McDonalds for five years and all I want now is a fucking cunting Big Mac. You suck dogs balls.

Anybody else feeling a wave of sweet nostalgia right now?

wari lasi said...

The burgers are better at Hungry Jacks, they really are. At least you have to have teeth to eat them.

But I'm with Patch on the Happy Meals, they're good value. And taking the kids there once a week or fortnight does them no harm. I reckon anyway, but it's a bit academic for us as Maccas won't open here.

Perseus, good to see you've settled down. Sorry, but I've not been around for a while.

Anonymous said...

Anybody else feeling a wave of sweet nostalgia right now?

You betcha.