Friday, August 5, 2011

The return of PSF (special kid friendly version).

FIRST
Be it a girl, or one of the boys,
It is scarlet all over its avoirdupois,
It is red, it is boiled; could the obstetrician
Have possibly been a lobstertrician?
His degrees and credentials were hunky-dory,
But how's for an infantile inventory?
Here's the prodigy, here's the miracle!
Whether its head is oval or spherical,
You rejoice to find it has only one,
Having dreaded a two-headed daughter or son;
Here's the phenomenon all complete,
It's got two hands, it's got two feet,
Only natural, but pleasing, because
For months you have dreamed of flippers or claws.
Furthermore, it is fully equipped:
Fingers and toes with nails are tipped;
It's even got eyes, and a mouth clear cut;
When the mouth comes open the eyes go shut,
When the eyes go shut, the breath is loosed
And the presence of lungs can be deduced.
Let the rockets flash and the cannon thunder,
This child is a marvel, a matchless wonder.
A staggering child, a child astounding,
Dazzling, diaperless, dumbfounding,
Stupendous, miraculous, unsurpassed,
A child to stagger and flabbergast,
Bright as a button, sharp as a thorn,
And the only perfect one ever born.


SECOND
Arrived this evening at half-past nine.
Everybody is doing fine.
Is it a boy, or quite the reverse?
You can call in the morning and ask the nurse.

18 comments:

Cath said...

Gorgeous!

Kettle said...

Dear Cath, I suspect from your positivity that you are in fact a first born child? I am not, sadly. I am a subsequent child. My parents filled in almost as many words in my baby book as there are in the second stanza of this poem. Hmph.

Alex said...

What's a baby book? I have a file with my old medical records. Is it similar to that?

WitchOne said...

A baby book is where parents record things like teeth, when they grew and which one was first. Milestones such as steps, words, birthdays and giggles.

I love my children but it's amazing they're still alive, I couldn't concentrate enough to fill in more than half of my first borns baby book however, with the dedication of a loving mother, I still bought one for my second born. It doesn't have a word in it (but the cover is pretty).

Having said that, I did scrapbook photo's of the eldests 1st year of life, a pictorial record because he was 3 and I couldn't remember when his first words, teeth and whatnot were. His sister is now 3 and I have not even pretended to buy the scrapbook for her record.

When she's older she'll realise did all the usual stuff at the usual times because she has teeth and can walk, laugh and eat. Surely it's obvious?

WitchOne said...

Did love the PSF too. As Cath said - Gorgeous!

Alex said...

Zat all? Meh.

When she's older she'll realise [she] did all the usual stuff at the usual times because she has teeth and can walk, laugh and eat. Surely it's obvious?

Fully agree.

patchouligirl said...

A friend gave me a baby book but I hate handwriting so I simply create a new word document every year and use it as a diary to record the funny things he says and does.

squib said...

Ah yes, I filled out the first one's baby book meticulously although I lost interest by the second year. Second one, I got as far as the birth weight

Cath said...

I bought a baby book for our first born.... and it is still waiting attention (she turns one next month). I also bought a pregnancy diary to record things. That could almost be resold as only "slightly used".... But yes Kettle, I am a first born child - we are a slightly weird breed!

Alex said...

Super-duper off topic, but fuuuuck! I'll bet EMS is glad to not be in London right now.

Ramon, any insights into possible social/political/historical underpinnings of all this?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Alex, I have given a great deal of thought to this and considered the historical connections, going back to the Gordon Riots of the 18th century.

My conclusion is this.

The English are fucking lunatics.

Alex said...

You'll never know the comfort it gives me, knowing that you're here to put things into perspective like that, Ramon.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm here to help, Alex.

squib said...

ah Ramon, brilliant

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Panic on the steets of London.

Panic on the steets of Birmingham.

What I want to know is, why are so many Smiths fans so angry?

Alex said...

¿The disappointing return of the Gobbledok?

Obviously, I'm missing something, Ramon.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Oh Alex!

I despair for you, I really do.

Mr E Discharge said...

*Snort*