Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Rise of the Planet of the Shite.


"Get me my agent! NOW!!

At some point, while watching Tim Burton’s over-long, ponderous 2001 film Planet of the Apes, I turned to my wife and whispered, “You know, I don’t think Tim Burton is the artistic genius he’s made out to be”.

It was not so much a “the Emperor has no clothes” moment, but more of a “the Emperor has no clothes and appears to have soiled himself” moment.

This latest, lazy, trip down memory lane is brought to you by the news that the prequel, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, is about to hit our shores.

To be fair, the prequel is made by somebody else and is said to be much better than Planet of the Apes but fair dinkum, I could have filmed my cat, asleep in front of the heater for four hours with an ape mask on her, and it would have made a more amusing film than Planet of the Apes*.

Let’s all give any ape-related films a miss – shall we?

* And nobody said “Get your hands off her, you dirty ape”**.

** Or even “Damn you! Damn you all! You blew it all to hell!”

Ripped off!

17 comments:

Cath said...

So Ramon, are you saying I shouldn't bother with watching the "new" revamped version? (I am apparently only 10 years behind....) I was never sure how to take Helena Bonham-Carter as an ape, or for that matter, Mark Wahlberg as an astronaut....

Alex said...

On Burton's "genius": I'm more than happy to discuss the merits of any particular movie/book/album/etc, but I think that I shall never understand the fascination some people have with those that make them.

On shit films: I'm tired of all the remakes, reboots, sequels, prequels and adaptations; and what really shits me is how much more shit these shit films are than shit films from thirty years ago. I mean, it can be fun to watch the emperor prance about naked with a dirty backside, but when there's no consistency in tone or logic and the story lacks all structure beyond "an ordered list of events", it's hard to enjoy a movie on any level.

This one doesn't even have Marky Mark, for fuck's sake. Bring on Rise Of The Planet Of The Sleepy Cat In An Ape Mask.

patchouligirl said...

We watched Stanley Kubrick's "2001 A Space Odyssey" out of retro curiosity this week. I hated "eyes wide shut" and wanted to try to understand why he was such a celebrated director. While I can see how mind blowing this movie would have been to a 1968 audience we were very bored with it and started taking the piss out of it to help it along. It does have some pre-human ape scenes at the beginning, one in particular where a group of apes try to invade another groups rock. There was one ape from the latter group jumping up and down looking menacing. "Stop the boats!" I said.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Probably a good call, Cath.

How are you, anyway?

Kettle said...

Jeez Ramon, no ape films, no owl films... what does that leave us?

Alex said...

"Stop the boats!" I said.

Bloody good one, Patchy. Be careful though; you get a taste for that sort of thing and before you know it your movie nights will be dominated by stuff like "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians", "Hobgoblins" and "Highlander 2".

But if you're still looking for a good Kubrick, you might want to check out "Dr Strangelove". It's pretty darn alright.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

no ape films, no owl films... what does that leave us?

Kettle, it leaves us with a four hour film of my cat, asleep in front of the heater, with an ape mask on her.

Kettle said...

Kettle, it leaves us with a four hour film of my cat, asleep in front of the heater, with an ape mask on her.

Pack it up and post it out to me, Ramon!

Cath said...

Doing great Ramon... Motherhood agrees with me. Of course, having to also still work does NOT. Sigh.

And I am with Kettle.... I will take a Blu-Ray copy of the sleeping cat in an ape mask movie! I can offer my cat for a walk on part as well (she is a Devon Rex - so she looks alien). On bad movies.... Cowboys and Aliens ...WTF???

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Good to hear, Cath.

The cat has - shall we say - anger management issues.

It would take a bold man indeed to try and put an ape mask on her.

eat my shorts said...

So ... you are saying you are not a bold man?

Disappointed, Ramon. Very disappointed.

Kettle said...

Few things:

Firstly, Ramon, I'm thinking my end-of-year TSFKA goody bag just got bigger: Bob's 'Best Of' music cd, the letter from Squib's family's dog, and now your yearly wrap-up of great filmic Insertnamehere cat moments. I love the TSFKA contributors.

Secondly, EMS, I thought on first reading you wrote 'bald,' not 'bold,' but I'm a bit hair-focussed at the moment AS MR KETTLE IS GROWING A BEARD! Lordy.

Thirdly, and connected, Mr Kettle just said to me, 'Wow, you really murdered your first beer,' which is the sweetest thing anyone's said to me today.

And finally, Alex, I love this sentence: "what really shits me is how much more shit these shit films are than shit films from thirty years ago." Gold.

Alex said...

Why thank you, Kettle.

What kind of beard is it? Anything like these?

Kettle said...

Ha ha! Ah Alex, Mr Kettle is, as he just told me, a splendiferous man, but he hasn't yet produced that kind of facial hair.

Kettle said...

Speaking of splendiferous, where's Squibby?

squib said...

I'm over here!

*wave*

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I am going a bit thin on top, now that you mention it, Kettle.