Thursday, June 26, 2008

Ten things you must do before you die.

Anytime when the editors of any glossy magazine are running a bit short of copy, they start casting around for something - anything - to fill a page.

Sadly, this often results in some high-profile putz writing something like "ten things you must do before you die" or somesuch nonsense.

This is usually a list of staggering pretension, such as climbing a mountain in Africa or hiking around some lake in Eastern Europe.

Well, fuck that.

Who has the time, money or inclination to do anything of the sort? Yet we're asked to believe that our lives are in some way poorer for not ticking off this list.

So, in the interest of the time-poor, pizza-rich readers of TSFKA, I present the Ramon Insertnamehere piss-easy;


1. Drink a nice cup of tea.

2. Get out of bed before noon.

3. Eat a chicken sandwich*.

4. Call someone an "oleaginous cunt" to their face.

5. Go into a pub and order a "black and tan". You don't have to drink it. You can just sit there and look at it.

6. Stare moodily out of a window.

7. Ring the speaking clock.

8. Hum.

9. Wear sensible shoes.

10. Pick a cat up and turn it around so it's facing the opposite way. The look of baffled fury on their furry faces is priceless.

Please, there's no need to thank me.

* If you're a vegetarian, eat a toasted cheese sandwich**

** I don't know what to do if you're a vegan. Eat a chick-pea sandwich or whatever the hell you people eat.


Anonymous said...

And then you wonder why your cat declares a fatwa on your ankles.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Good point, Boogey.

I thought she was just being a cunt.

wari lasi said...

Slow news day Ramon?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Very slow, Wari.

Puss In Boots said...

Done, done, done (the cheese variety), no, no, done, done, done, done but not by choice, no. Wahoo, only 3 goals to go and I can happily shuffle off this mortal coil!

wari lasi said...

Where I live Puss a wahoo is a particularly yummy (and agressive) game fish. Very good as sashimi.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I've done all 10, Puss.

I can now sit back and wait happily for death.

wari lasi said...

If calling someone a "smug fuck" to their faces qualifies, I've done them all too. Very few people I know would be familiar with the term oleaginous. A bit like kvetching I'm afraid.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I will accept "smug fuck", Wari.

WitchOne said...

Thank GOD! Now I have goals.

shitbmxrider said...

All done. Niiiice

homesick said...

Thanks for that Ramon.. most of them have been achieved.

As the rest I must wait until I return home next year for the bi- annual "Heres the grandkids, I'm off" visit as ordering a 'Black & Tan' here in the West Indies may result a severe beating on my part.

4. Call someone an "oleaginous cunt" to their face.

Will do this on last day of school on Friday to the monster of a principal of youngest daughter's Montessori school. I've just got to practise the correct pronunciation of oleaginous.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

And the good thing about my list Witchie, is that you can do all of them without leaving your suburb.

Although it does require access to a cat.

eat my shorts said...

I don't know what to do if you're a vegan. Eat a chick-pea sandwich or whatever the hell you people eat.

And here I was thinking that vegans were an urban myth.

I thought she was just being a cunt.

No, that'll happen when you attempt to prove that cats always land on their feet when dropped from a great height.

WitchOne said...

I have 2 cats INH, I get to do it TWICE!!!!!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You are indeed living the life, Witchie.

squib said...

I always thought it would be more practical to have a list of things not to do before you die

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The Age today has a feature called "10 hotels you must see before you die".

I'm not making this stuff up, you know.

I still think my list is a lot more practical.