Monday, September 28, 2009

Act II, Scene 1

(Scene: A bar in Brunswick Streeet. Perseus (in a suit) and Suicide Girl (in glamour grunge) are drinking cocktails.)

Suicide Girl:
(to be read in a strong, outback Aussie drawl)
"I grew up on a pig farm, that's just what I am, and I got expelled from a couple of schools and at 17 I was a rousabout, a jillaroo you see, I grew up on quarterhorses, and that's when I fucked me back up and got addicted to painkillers which ended me at rehab when I was 18, and I haven't touched a drug ever since, and I mean any drug, oh, except for pot, I have like two drags of a joint about once a year and that's it, but then I worked at the slaughterhouse for about a year, that was good money but it was tough, but I was tough because me step-father taught me to box, like, he used to make me put on the gloves and he knocked two of me teeth out and broke me nose but I learnt to fight and I'm grateful for it cos I've had to get into a couple of punchups at pubs, there was one bloke who was groping my arse and I said one more time mate, one more time I'm warning you cunt, oh I hope you don't mind me saying cunt cos I say it a lot, and anyway, he touched my arse again so I turned and punched him so hard in the face he didn't get up for about five minutes, but really, I'm a bit of a pacifist and turned into a bit of a hippy, I was such a hippy and so I'm this odd mix of pig farmer and hippy who does glamour-grunge pinup modelling and works in admin for a porn company but really you might think I'm a bit stupid and unsophisticated and wild but last week I just drank too much and I'm so sorry I'm just not a good drinker and I'm usually in bed by 9pm with a science or history book because that's all I'm into apart from death metal and you know I've been nervous all day about this date but I'm glad I'm here I like this bar I did a nude shoot on that couch and it's really nice here and how cute is that waitress? Don't you just want to fuck her, and speaking of which, how about we go back to my place now because I think I need to fuck you right now."




Honestly, I didn't know whether to propose marriage or run for my life.
Follow up date next weekend.
Oh, and she had vaginal piercing. That was weird. And oddly arousing.


Puss In Boots said...


If it was me, I would have been out of there as soon as she said, "I fucked me back up."

Bad grammar gives me the shits.

Perseus said...

Me too Puss, but she kept saying interesting things, so I was drawn back again.

Anonymous said...

Knows her way around a farm, not afraid of hard work, not squeamish, and can handle herself in a fight. Sounds like a keeper. Actually, everything before that "I'm a bit of a pacifist and turned into a bit of a hippy" bit reminded me of 75% of the women I new before I moved to the city. Of course, none of them were into death metal or glamour-grunge (whatever that is) - or science for that matter. Interesting, indeed. I think I'm a bit homesick now.

Perseus said...

Alex - Yes, it seems so many rough house country girls become hippies for a period. Then they revert back again. I have luckily arrived at the tail-end of her ribbon-wearing phase.

On her bedside table she had 'Brief History Of Time' by Hawking, and a CD by some Norweigan Death Metal Band. She was all over the place.

She said, "Should I put on some music" and I said, "Okay", and she said, "I'll just play whatever's in the CD player, I can't remember what I was listening to," and on came the 1970's stage version of War Of The Worlds.

kitten said...

Great post Perseus. This time I did fall off my seat laughing so much. Good luck!

Cath said...


Perseus said...

You've seen the photo of her Cath. I ain't running anywhere just yet.

Mr E Discharge said...

She sounds great!

Vaguely reminiscent of the Audio Book version of the "Jerilderi Letter", but a keeper all the same.

Anonymous said...

it seems so many rough house country girls become hippies for a period.

Weird. Any theories as to why?

I have luckily arrived at the tail-end of her ribbon-wearing phase.

That is fortunate. Unless you're into that sort of thing I guess.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Sod the sex, were the cocktails any good?

Was it at Polly in Brunswick Street?

Puss In Boots said...

Well, she's definitely not my cup of tea, but good luck to you, Pers!

Mad Cat Lady said...

Awesome. Just awesome.

She sounds like she has character up to her eyeballs. Beyond her eyeballs. Bursting from her eyeballs maybe even.

Cath said...

Yes indeed Pers, I have seen the photo.... and now that I read your precis of her life... I understand. Character yes..... Scary - MOST DEFINITELY. Proceed with caution, and don't layby any diamonds just yet.

patchouligirl said...

At least you're getting laid while you work it out. Wear a condom.

eat my shorts said...

I just *knew* this would be a grouse date for you.

Well done, old chap.

Don't fuck it up by proposing marriage just yet though, eh? At least have a second date or something.

shitbmxrider said...

That gets a thumbs up from me, Pers.

Slightly out there bisexual goth-y/punky/pin-up chicks that have done porn are great :D

homesick said...

My friends and I have discussed your sex life in detail Pers and after reading this excerpt from a modern day version of "Pygmalion" we have catagorised SG to the group known to us as the "Shhh say nothing just fuck me". For us women David Beckham heads up this himbo tribe.

If she is hot and is 'putting out' but you can't stand the conversation, then gently put your finger to her lips and shush her before continuing with the sexiness.

Dr. Golf said...

Did somebody say "AFI award for best original screenplay"?

Perseus said...

Alex: I reckon it's because farm girls eat better. Less Maccas and shit in these remote towns, so they appreciate fresh organic food, plus, they already have an affinity with the land.

Kitten: I was worried you would think that me having consensual sex may have been disrespectful to all women, or something.

Mr. E: Did you read that Peter Carey book where he mimiced the Jerilderie Letter? I didn't. Carey? Bah.

Puss: She may not be your cup of tea, but she could be your glass of tequila. She's mine.

Cath: I am proceeding with extreme caution. Extreme.

P-Girl: Oh yes, the condoms are on. It's good to have them in use. The last box I bought went over their use-by date.

EMS: I won't propose marriage until I see first hand how her dog gets along with my cat. She actually adopted it after the bushfires... the dog's whole family perished. Bless her.

BMX: Soft-core porn only. No sex at all. Just nude pinup. Not even exposed genitalia. I just want that on the record.

Homesick: But I actually like listening to her talk. Despite the country drawl, what she says is infinitely interesting.

Golf: It's better than any other script in recent years.

wari lasi said...

Oh My God.

I've been buried in budgets for a week and I must say I've missed this place.

For good reason.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

so they appreciate fresh organic food

Organic food is the greatest swindle since the invention of writers' festivals.

Puss In Boots said...

I don't drink.

Seriously, she sounds like the sort of person who would irritate me greatly. I didn't like her last week, and this story hasn't improved my view.

I'm actually with Kitten et al on this one. It's alright to be searching for The One and casual shagging at the same time, but if you know she's not The One (and trust me, you know it), and yet you're considering something of a relationship with her (more than just casual sex), then you won't find The One while you're with her.

So don't come bitching to us in a few weeks if you're still not married with kids, because you've wasted your time with SG.

Still, I'm sure the next few weeks will provide excellent blog fodder, which I look forward to reading!

Perseus said...

Puss: I know you don't drink, which is why I made the shot of tequila reference. I'm not a big drinker, so the reference is even more appropriate. I hope to one day marry my 'cup of tea', but in the meantime, here's my shot of tequila.

Allow me some fun, Puss. I've been living like a monk for too long.

Puss In Boots said...

Oh, I'm not saying you can't have fun. Go for it. I look forward to reading about it. I just think you're wasting your time and other possible opportunities.

Perseus said...

Oh, like all those other opportunities that have come up in the past year?

I'm 40 and I live in a small town with a population of 950. There aren't many opportunities.

Yeah, I know she's not The One, and nor am I her One, it's just good timing.

"So don't come bitching to us in a few weeks if you're still not married with kids"

Why not? Why should I be allowed to bitch when I'm celibate, but not when I'm gettin' some on the weekends? Would you prefer me to remain a monk until I meet The One?

squib said...

She sounded pretty ok until the bit about death metal

What makes you think she's not the ONE? She could be. You never know

Perseus said...

Because Puss said so.

Puss In Boots said...

Dude, don't take my comments so seriously. I'm just saying that I suspect while you're with SG, you won't be looking for a better prospect, that is all. And as I have repeatedly said, do what you want, and in fact I am looking forward to reading about your shenanigans.

kitten said...

Just watch the genital piercing with the condoms Pers, otherwise you might find yourself with kids sooner than you thought.

Anonymous said...

I concur with Kitten and Puss, and anyone else for that matter with a feline-derived nom de plume.

When having casual sex with a non long-term commitment, it helps to keep uppermost in your mind your potential reaction to her statement, "Guess what, I'm pregnant! And I'm keeping it."

shitbmxrider said...

ahhh, very soft-core...

I was thinking abbywinters/ishotmyself sorta stuff...

Ach, good luck and have fun I say!

Perseus said...

Onya BMX, but, you forget, I'm still the biggest snob on this site. I have no idea what an abbywinters/ishotmyself is, and I'm proud of it!

Melba said...

You're not the biggest snob on this site, Perseus. You have aspirations, it's true, but anyone who says "youse" cannot award themselves that title.

Perseus said...

But I say 'youse' because the French have 'vous'!

I argue that 'youse' is elitist and snobby!

Anonymous said...

Perseus, 'vous' est 'VOO' prononcé en français, vous aspirer bogané vous.

Pepsi said...

You got some loving.

Congrats, 'bout time.

And an award.

Sex and a certificate, what a weekend, well done you, and I like a girl who knows what she wants when it comes to a bit of the loving, ie I want you, lets go.

Heres hoping you get a repeat performance this one.

I also reckon this whole 'you cant find the one whilst you're dating someone who is not the one' guff is reliant on the lightning bolt happening, and it doesnt for everyone does it?

Now were is Kitten, I need to know where I can find this mysterious orgy society thingy, its a long weekend coming up here in Orgy town, and I might need to find me some company.

Pepsi said...

Oh yep, and you cant be a snob if you are rural.

End of.

catlick said...

Oh yep, and you cant be a snob if you are rural.
Patrick White was rural and a snob...

Pepsi said...

Patrick White was rural and a snob

I know I rarely travel further than 7 kms from Newtown unless its in a plane, but they tell me Castle Hill isnt exactly rural.

Melba said...

We have been through this before, Perseus. Your argument is flawed re the 'youse' and 'vous'. For one they aren't pronuniated the same.

Also, 'vous' can be used as a singular polite form, which is about where it falls over.

Come up with something else, boyo.

Puss In Boots said...

Pepsi, do you not agree that if you're with someone just because you like their company, and not because you see a future with them, that you stop looking for a potential partner for the most part? That's what I mean when I say he won't find anyone else.

It's a completely different story if he's just treating it as similar to the other girl he's been screwing for the last 6 months. Then he'll still be looking. But something tells me Pers is considering seeing how this one turns out, which means he won't be looking for someone else while he's doing that. I just think if you are the sort of person who wants to get married, and you don't make a conscious decision to not date anyone you don't see a real future with, then you're wasting your time. I've mentioned it before, but I made that decision in my early 20s, and then proceeded to go on hundreds of dates, many of them with people I could definitely have wasted time with, but I also knew there was no future there, so I kept looking until I found someone I knew I could be with long term.

That's all I mean. I'm not saying it's impossible to find someone else while you're in a relationship, but most people stop looking if they're relatively happy, and then when the relationship fails they regret the time they wasted with that person, because they knew from the start the relationship wasn't long term.

patchouligirl said...

How committed to rural living are you Pers? Can you move to Melbourne for a year in your quest for 'the one'?

Perseus said...

You're right Puss, but like I've said, I live in a small town which dcoes change things. I can't go on hundreds of dates. I can't get them, and hundreds of women won't date me because of where live. Putting it bluntly - I'm a bit lonely, and I appreciate the atention this girl is giving me right now.

PG: I own a business here, hence, I am here indefinitely. If I close the business I can go to Melbourne, but I will be unemployed.

Pepsi said...

But Puss, he's a bloke, he doesnt have to worry about wasting time as he doesnt have a limited fertility timeframe, ie tick tock.

Going into a relationship wondering about what sort of future it has is a bit limiting isnt, I'd rather just go into one with an open mind and enjoy what ever it brings, you know, just relax and enjoy it, take a chance.

She sounds like she's a bit all over the shop so I reckon he should just enjoy whatever it is till she goes away.

You've got to admire a bloke who says he is lonely though.

Puss In Boots said...

I know what you mean, Pepsi, but I am of the belief that we all know at some level whether the person we're with is right for us. I wasted time in two long term relationships, even though I knew they wouldn't last. And who wants to be continually be in and out of relationships? At least, that's not my cup of tea.

It gets harder and harder to want to start all over again. So I made the decision that if I couldn't see myself marrying someone, there was no point even starting something with them. I'd just be wasting my time and theirs, and have to start all over again in a couple of years. And in the meantime, I might have missed out on the person who I could spend my life with. So yeah. I see what you're saying, but I'm glad I did it my way.

kitten said...

I have a friend who met a guy at the desperate and dateless ball (they were computer matched and attended together). He is a farmer from rural NSW just across the Vic border. She lived in Melbourne and is a nurse. After long distance dating and a lot of travelling up/down the state, they are now married and living on the farm, and she works at a rural hospital.

So assuming that you wont meet anyone because you live in Lorne, is a bit self defeating. But while you are hanging out at home fucking SG you are not out in the world meeting anyone else. Even if you do go out another woman wont approach you while SG is in your presence.

Its not a question of lightning striking, but simply making yourself physically available in places where there are opportunities to meet single women.

Personally, I'd have no issues in dating someone who lived in Lorne. I've always wanted a country/beach house in which to spend the weekends. And there are plenty of women who do jobs that dont require them to be in the city. I am able to work from home anywhere.

So if you keep looking in Melbourne, you will eventually find someone. But they are probably not hiding under SG's bed.

Anonymous said...

Pepsi - men's sperm does decline in quality with age. Studies have shown that children born of older fathers have greater risk of mental and developmental problems. So just because a man doesn't get menopause doesn't mean he should be fathering kids at 50.

Kitten - is this the dating goldmine for intelligent professionals you mentioned a couple of threads back - Desperate and Dateless balls?


Personally, I'd have no issues in dating someone who lived in Lorne.

I happen to know an eligible bachelor living down that way who I could line you up with, Kitten. His dating preferences include tattoed soft-core pr0n jillaroos, frenemy flatmates, stalker Mormon fans, and unseen half-human horse-women.

kitten said...

Boogey - no it is not.

And I personally would prefer a gentleman with a beach house in Portsea, or a country home in the Yarra Valley.