Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Shame!

A national disgrace!


It seems that a giant squid – let’s call him “Jim” had a friend, another giant squid called “Bert”*.

Jim had arranged for Bert to attack a ship some months earlier and now Jim feels that Bert owed him a ship attack.

“Sure,” said Bert, “there was a ship I attacked earlier but it didn’t really work out. I can set you up with the ship to attack if you like. I’m sure it will be up to it.”

Now, I for one am appalled that giant squids are pimping out ships for their friends to attack. It’s disrespectful to the ships.

I much prefer the approach they have in Sydney, with a small group of professional giant squids meet in quiet groups to find similarly minded ships.

It’s so much more dignified.

* Not their real names, obvs.

35 comments:

patchouligirl said...

This story is the gift that keeps on giving.

Melba said...

You are too clever by half, Ramon.

What does that even mean?

Pepsi said...

Where the they have lots of orgies with the ships, cause as we all know, the Sydney giant squids are usually not nice and respectful anywhere.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Melba, it's about giant squids pimping out ships to other giant squids.

I would have thought it was obvious!

I kept wanting to type "giant squibs".

Perseus said...

Did he end up having to comfort a ship of Mormons?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

He wasn't a happy giant squid by the end of the night, Pers.

Loose Shunter said...

But was Jim upset that the ship he was promised to attack was subsequently attacked by another squid (that was neither Jim or Bert)?

How does rivalry over ships play out in the marine cephalopod scene?

Fad MD said...

I wonder how one comforts a ship full of Mormons. The Mormon Tentacle Choir perhaps?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It's OK, LS.

The ship texted Jim to say "it wasn't normally that type of ship".

OK, I'm starting to confuse myself now.

Mr E Discharge said...

One should exercise great care in choosing which ship to attack.

Attacking the wrong ship is just a waste of seamen.

Perseus said...

Kitten will look at this picture of the giant squid, but all she'll see is a sperm whale.

Loose Shunter said...

Ramon,

Now it starts to get a bit absurd. Wouldn't the ship run up some semaphore signals or fire off some flares instead to tell the squid "it's not normally that type of ship, it was just that the midshipmen spliced the mainbrace and it had a bit too much rum"?

Unless something changed since I last visited the aquarium, squid can't use a mobile phone...

Mr E Discharge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Good point, LS.

See Kitten, we're using "metaphor" and "sarcasm" to product an effect called "humour".

Or, in this case, "gibberish".

Fad MD said...

The ship texted Jim to say "it wasn't normally that type of ship".

So not a Galway Hooker then?

squib said...

What, no Captain Nemo?!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I couldn't find Nemo, Squib.

Kettle said...

Ramon, what good fortune that you should post such a story. I've just recently been searching online for a group of like-minded giant squid (you know, the intelligent, professional, single kind) based in Orgy City, I mean Sydney, where I live.

So tell me, "where is this veritable dating Avalon of which you speak?"

[Apologies Boogeyman for speech marking instead of italicising your fine words; apparently my html tag wasn't closed and I haven't the wherewithal to close it.]

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Kettle, I suggest discreet agencies such as "Table for Eight" or "Oh My God, it's a giant fucking squid!!!"

Maybe you could ask giant Squib.

homesick said...

If another random squid, full of ink, happens along and then vomits on your ship, does a normal black blooded squid wait until it has swabbed* its deck and then continue to try to eat it at some later stage?


*Is 'swabbed' even a word?

Loose Shunter said...

Homesick, yes, 'swabbed' is a word.

In terms of cephalopod etiquette and morality, you've hit upon a grey area that may need further investigation.

Kettle said...

Ramon, Squib would only be giant if she ate that tray of perfect cheese straws.

Squib, what happened to that tray again?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Could this post get anymore bizarre?

The answer is yes, yes it could.

squib said...

Kettle, I suggest discreet agencies such as "Table for Eight" or "Oh My God, it's a giant fucking squid!!!"

This is the funniest thing ever. Apart from that one that goes: Persey and a giant squid and a horse walked into a bar...

Kettle, I gave it to starving poets. BTW how do you say 'a giant squid is eating my leg in French'?

Kettle said...

Squib:

"Un calmar gigantesque mange ma jambe."

Kettle said...

Or:

"Un calmar gigantesque mange ma jambe en français."

squib said...

*methinks Kettle used Foxlingo*

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Very good Kettle.

What's French for "Perseus is a hopeless love gumby and I despair"?

Kettle said...

Happy to oblige, Ramon. It's:

"Persée est un gumby d'amour sans espoir et je désespère."

Foxlingo, Squib? Je ne comprehends pas.

Cath said...

"Persée est un gumby d'amour sans espoir et je désespère."

Foxlingo, Squib? Je ne comprehends pas.


Can we have despere and comprends instead... just for some attempt at grammatical correctness? (I can't do the accent thingy's... but you get the idea.)

I believe the words "Champagne Comedy" come to mind with this particular entry Ramon.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Cath, I and my hyperactive muse thank you.

Kettle said...

Cath we could have grammatical correctness if I had any idea what I was doing, but as it is, no.

The translation site I used had a panel for 'gist translations', and I think that's pretty much what I got.

Melba said...

Ramon, I got the allegory. I was questioning what the expression "too clever by halves" or whatever it is means.

Sorry.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, I see what you mean Melba.

"Too clever by half" means when your overly intricate scheme rebounds on your own head, very much in the mannor of Edmund Blackadder.

Or as my mum would say "if you were any sharper, you'd cut yourself".

Melba said...

Well then, that's you. It was good.