Sunday, September 20, 2009

Weekend Wrap

An old friend of mine Melody once said to me, “You know, these situations you get yourself into... you do realise they aren’t normal, don’t you? You say, “Oh, these things happen to everyone,” but they don't. They only happen to you.”

This is one of those stories.

It’s a long ‘un.

My band played Saturday night. It was our first gig in nine months, and although we were a bit underdone and nervous, it went off perfectly. There was a big crowd and the dancing started from the first song. Awesome gig, we were rockstars.

But, as with every gig we do, there were adventures. Girl adventures. This story has four girls in it.

1. Suicide Girl
2. Mormon
3. Miss Flatmate
4. Horse

We have a new band member, Fanboy. He’s been our biggest fan for years, and has come to just about every gig and over the years we became friends with him, good friends, and indeed, we also adopted his extended group of friends (which in turn lead me to people like Miss Artist my sometimes lover that Melba doesn’t approve of, and Artemis). He was always part of our stage show anyway, in that he danced like a friendly maniac right up the front, but he also happens to be a talented musician and so we have added him to our line-up (we’re now 8 piece).

A few months ago, I hooked Fanboy up with my neighbour The Mermaid and they had some sex. I told him afterwards that he owed me sex. He happens to be very handsome and has strings of women chasing him, and I demanded he fix one of them up with me to return the favour. I was happy to bottom feed... to accept his rejects. He has a long trail of broken hearts. He’s a lady-killer. So anyway, he gave it much thought, and came up with an old lover of his that he has remained friends with – Suicide Girl. She was actually a real Suicide Girl and to this day works in the porn industry (soft-porn... in admin). But, she’s also a farm girl originally, and you all know I have a thing for farm girls.

So, we met about half an hour before the gig, and Fanboy had certainly chosen well for me. She was attractive, had some sexy pirate tatts, was fast-talking and fast-thinking, witty, shared a ciggy with me and we hit it off perfectly. After about twenty minutes of chat, this was said:

Me: Well, I have to go because we’re on soon.

SG: Before you go... you do know that Fanboy has, you know, planned to set us up?

Me: Yes. The plan is that we were to meet briefly tonight, then report back to him during the week, and if we both like each other, he’ll give out the mobile numbers and we can take it from there.

SG: Yes. So, what will you report?

Me: That I really like you, and would like to take you on a date. So, just warning you, that’s the message Fanboy will get, so a date offer will come, probably midweek.

SG: Well, I’m just warning you, that the answer will be yes.

Me: Wow. Cool.

SG: Yeah, I’m happy with this. So, umm, do I have to go to him now and ask permission to kiss you?

Me: That’s probably the rule, but we could bend the rules and cut out the middle man.

SG: Good. So, wanna kiss?

Me: Alright then.

(Insert snog).

I then left to do the gig, feeling fantastic. I really liked her, and got a snog, and the promise of a date. I liked her so much I was already trying to work out how to tell my Mum my new girlfriend was in the porn industry.

Anyway, she was going to hang around for the gig, but then had to go to some party a bit later, so, that was where it was supposed to be left.

She danced a bit during the gig, and we made eyes.

After the gig, I did all the catchup stuff with friends that had come, as well as meeting new fans and all that took about an hour. So it was about two and a half hours since I had kissed her, when Fanboy came up to me and said, “Hey, Suicide Girl decided not to go to the party. She wanted to hang out here with you instead because she really liked you, but I haven’t seen her for half an hour. Have you seen her?”

“No,” I said, all excited that she was still at the pub, “But I’ll go look.”

I found her. In a dark corner of a little booth. Straddling a guy. His hand was up her skirt. I looked closer. I knew the guy. A doofus called Doofus who is friends with a chick called Miss Flatmate (soon to be introduced).

I stormed back to Fanboy and yelled, “She’s having fucking sex with Doofus in that booth. What sort of fucking skank have you set me up with? Fail, Fanboy, fail!”

“What the fuck?” he yelled, and ran into the booth and gave her what for. She was drunk. Doofus was drunk. Fanboy made them leave the pub and told her that she had let me and him down. Exeunt Suicide Girl.

Fanboy was hugely apologetic and started talking about some other girl he’d set me up and he was apologising over and over but I was not impressed. I was yelling at him for showing poor judgement.

Enter Miss Flatmate.

Miss Flatmate is Miss Artist’s flatmate, and although they were childhood friends they are now arch enemies. They hate each other. Though Miss Artist is my sometimes lover, I stay out of their disputes because over the years I’ve gotten to know Miss Flatmate pretty well and I like her. And she’s hot. She’s a dancer.

Miss Flatmate said, “What’s all the yelling?” and I said, “Your mate Doofus was sexing up a girl that I’m supposed to be going on a date with next week!”

She explained that Doofus was very drunk and that he was throwing himself at every woman there, including her, and that made me feel even worse, because Doofus was acting all drunk and sleazy and Suicide Girl had thought, “Yeah righto, I’ll have a piece of that.” Tramp.

“Don’t feel so bad,” said Miss Flatmate, “I’ve had a hell few weeks with men. I’m over it. In fact, I don’t even like being here at this pub. I’m going home.”

“You’ve had no luck with men, and I’ve had no luck with women. How about I crash in your bed tonight?” I said in jest, because of course it was jest – she’s my sometimes lover’s flatmate and enemy.

“Yeah sure,” she said laughing, “I’ll leave the door open.”

The she went.

Fanboy returned to me. He had with him his date for the night, Leggy. Leggy seemed nice. It was their first real date and she was doing her best to impress his bandmates. She said to me, “We’re going to Cherry Bar later on, when the pub closes. I have a friend. She kinda looks like a horse. She has a long face. But don’t let that put you off, because she’s hot. And, she likes men in suits. I’m pretty sure she’ll go for it.”

“A horse, ay?” I said, “Well, as long as Horse doesn’t get my hopes up then start sexing with some other guy two hours later... sure, I’ll meet her.”

It was midnight.

The pub had turned into an 80’s bogan rock nightclub and everyone was dancing and having fun. The pub was still packed.

At about 1am, a man and his girlfriend approached. They introduced themselves, congratulated me on the band’s performance and made chit-chat. Then they exposed the real reason for their visit to me.

“We have a friend, and she had told us about your band. She really likes your band, but has never met any of you, and she was a bit nervous about coming up to speak to you, so we’re going behind her back. Will you come and say hello?”

“Is she single?” I asked, rather rudely.

“She sure is,” he said, smiling, because obviously that’s where it was headed, “And cute.”

And so I went and met the friend, and she was pretty cute. A shorty, but nice eyes and face, and wonderful cleavage which was on prominent display. 31 years old. We got chatting. And, because I was a little drunk (and so was she) the conversation very quickly got into things. I have this habit of asking big questions when I meet strangers. I’m no good at chit-chat. I’m likely to ask their name, and then the next question is something like, “Do you fear death?”, or, as was the case here, “Did you have a happy childhood?” For some reason , people always answer me these probing questions. This girl was no exception. She grew up in Melbourne in a strict Mormon family, and did indeed have some qualms about her upbringing. She said she was the ‘black sheep’ of the family, and has not followed through with her Mormonism, but, she did concede that it’s hard to de-program oneself if one is brought up a certain way, and she still had Mormon ‘traits’. Alcohol was clearly not one of them though, and we had a couple of drinks, and next thing I know we’re snogging.

We danced and snogged, plus occasionally returned to our respective camps, then met up again and snogged some more.

3am came, and the pub was shut. Fanboy and Leggy said to me, “Well, are you coming with us? Horse is at Cherry or Pony, not sure, but we’re heading that way. Are you coming, or are you staying with the Mormon?”

I put it to Mormon. She said, “Let’s go around the corner and kiss some more so I can think about it.”

We went around the corner, down a dark street and found a bench. We sat and kissed, but because there was nobody else around, it got a bit ‘R’ Rated. Nothing was undone or unzipped, but hands were pressed against fabric in strategic positions. Sex was on its way.

“Righto,” she said, “I’m inviting you back to my house. I live just around the corner.”

I said goodbye to Fanboy and Leggy. Fanboy apologised again for the Suicide Girl disaster, and off they went.

I walked with Mormon back to her house.

We got in her house.

Then... it got WEIRD.

She said, “I’m going to freshen up in the bathroom, and get out of this costume. Please, wait for me in the loungeroom,” and she pointed me that way.

I got in there. It was attached to the kitchen.

On the walls were posters. Band posters. My band’s posters, dating back a while. Not other bands... just mine.

My band is not famous, at all. We are respected within our genre, but the genre is small. There’s only five or so bands in Melbourne that do what we do, and we’re the oldest of them all. We have a handful of fans and we know them all by name. We put on great shows, but release awful recordings. We all have day jobs and won’t be giving them up. As far as I knew, nobody, you know, collected our things.

I was sitting there thinking, “Well, this is kind of weird. Spooky. But, well, she seems harmless. Maybe she’s just shy. Look on the Brightside... she’s a fan of the band, and now she has the lead singer in her house. Oh, there just has to be sex.”

She came back out, freshened, in a singlet that revealed more of her ample bosom. She sat next to me.

Me: I see you have our band posters.
Morm: Yes, I like them.
Me: How long have you been coming to see us play?
Morm: My first show was the launch of the second album.
Me: That was eight years ago.
Morm: Yes.
Me: And you’ve been coming to see us ever since?
Morm: Off and on, depending on where I am. But always as often as possible.
Me: Umm, have we met?
Morm: No.

I sat there, dumbfounded, then thought, ah what the fuck, and started groping. She groped back... a little, but I could sense something had changed. She said, “You liked my cleavage?”

“Sure did,” I said.

“I’ve never done that before.”

“Done what?”

“Displayed my cleavage in public. I always cover them up. Always. Tonight was the first night ever.”

I thought (but didn’t say), “Yeah, and look: You picked up the lead singer of your favourite band.”

We kissed some more, but she was becoming distant. I could feel it. I decided to rev things up a bit and started fumbling with her pants and top, but she stopped me. I am a gentleman in these situations.

I said, “Look, I’m not sure what’s happening. This whole night is weird. Umm. Please, don’t feel compelled to have me here. I obviously want to be here, and what’s more, I want to start taking off your clothes, because you’re hot, and really nice, and intelligent. But, I’m not going to pressure you into anything. If you’re more comfortable with me leaving, just tell me, and I won’t begrudge you. My car and all my stuff is at The Violinist’s house, and it’s also walking distance. I have a couch for the night there.”

She didn’t answer, but instead started kissing me again. I kind of rolled on top, but gently. I went for the pants again, and she said, “Umm...” and I knew that was not a good ‘Umm’ and so I rolled off. I took a breath. She looked concerned. She then said, “I’m really, really conflicted.” And I thought all of a sudden, “Maybe she has a boyfriend, and he’s overseas or something.” She clearly fancied me, and she did invite me back, but something was stopping her.

Then she said, “I don’t do this. I’ve never done this.”

Then it hit me.

Mormon traits.

Oh my God.

I held her, and said, “I understand.”

I stood up.

I fixed my clothes.

I said, “It’s best I go now.”

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“I’m sorry, too,” I said.

I gave her another cuddle, and then I was out the front door, about ten seconds after my erection was out the front door.

By now it was 4:15am.

The poor girl. But, there was no point me staying. I was in a state.

Being in such a state, I got my second wind and tried calling Fanboy. I figured I’d go meet Horse, but it was going to voicemail (unbeknownst to me at the time, his battery had gone flat).

It dawned on me that I wouldn’t be going into the city. Too much time had past. They could be anywhere. There was nothing left to do but to walk to Violinist’s house (about a 25 minute walk).

So there I was, a 40 year old man, walking by myself through the back streets of inner-city Melbourne at 4.30am. Tired, lonely, sexually frustrated beyond belief. A wretch in a 3 piece. I got to the Violinist’s.

I texted Fanboy, just in case. I said: “It didn’t work out with the Mornon. I’m at the violinist’s. Bring me the Horse!”

There was no reply.

I collapsed on the couch (which was covered in cat hair) and fell asleep, in my suit.


At 11am Sunday, Fanboy texted me. Here is the text:

“Got this message from Suicide Girl. Had to forward it to you. Fw: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl kisses boy. Boy disappears. Girl meets new boy. Takes boy home. Boy pukes all over girl. Girl made a terrible mistake.”

I don’t believe in kamma, but I do believe in amazing coincidence. Doofus spewed on her. Good.

I spoke to Fanboy, and he was apologising even more. “I’m so upset with her,” he said, “And I’m really sorry she did that to you. I can’t explain it. It’s not like her. Anyway, I spoke to her, she feels terrible, and wants your mobile number. Can I give it to her?”

I said yes.

Sure enough, a text came in later... “Hi, it’s Suicide Girl. I feel terrible about last night. Please call me.”

I texted back and said, “I’ll call you during the week.”

I have to think about it. See, even though she did that, she did get spewed on... and was I any better? I went with the first pair of boobs that approached me. And, well, Suicide Girl is not my girlfriend. Why did she have to be monogamous to me after we just met? Is agreeing to a date the next week implying that you can’t pick up anyone else before that date? And, well, we did get along well. Really well. And she was a beautiful kisser. Oh, what to do? Do I go on a date?

But, in finishing, here’s the punchline.

Miss Flatmate called me in the afternoon.

“I just woke up,” she said.

“Oh cool, that’s a good sleep!” I said.

There was silence. I was waiting for her to speak. She called me, the onus is on her to explain the nature of the call.

“What happened to you?” she said.

“What?” I said.

More silence.

“I left the door open,” she said.

What’s that term Ramon uses?

Ah yes.

Love gumby.


Perseus said...


Suicide Girl's subsequent (long and late night) text:

"Please understand it was a stupid drunken mistake and I'm really sorry. I truly do feel terrible about it, and if you'd like to, I'd really like to catch up with you and give it another shot. I'm really not like that, otherwise Fanboy wouldn't have introduced me to you."

She's trying.

What do I do?

Anonymous said...

You do realise you can edit your own post and add the update there where everyone can see it, rather than in the comments?

Love gumby with expositional conversational patterns.

Fwiw, I think Suicide girl showed poor form. She showed interest, you showed interest, there was 100% likelihood of hooking up with you later. The only reason to blow you off was if she found someone better. Just because 'someone better' puked on her doesn't mean second choice's door should still be open.

Also, I suspect that you'd never seen Mormon girl at your gigs before because she used to be a guy, and she was out roadtesting her new cleavage. She'll probably be more comfortable with you taking her skirt off after the operation.

ToneMasterTone said...

Sure, going home with that Doofus is poor form, but hardly sinful material.

What is unforgiveable: sex in the booth.

Maybe I'm just too squeamish, but I always think that kind of behaviour leads to STD hothouses that are not worth the trouble.

Evil Overlord said...

*screaming with laughter*
you are a treasure MrQ
a treasure

i'm a little disappointed we don't get to meet Horse too - its like taunting a cat by dangling a chip just out of reach and then eating it - or not - maybe that's just me?

i disapprove of SG um snogging somebody else after agreeing to a date with yourself, but i also really really really want to hear your explanation to your mum about new girlfriend working in porn - I'm conflicted.

(on behalf of Mormon girl, I don't think its so strange to have never said hello to members of your favourite band - if you are shy, you are shy)

Puss In Boots said...

I say Suicide Girl is a tramp. I would think if I really liked someone, and they really liked me, and we had agreed to go on a date, that they wouldn't want to hook up with someone in the meantime.

Of course, it's now up to you whether you want to forgive that behaviour. But the real question is whether she'd be so apologetic if Doofus hadn't spewed on her.

Mormon girl seems very, very strange.

And yes, you're a complete idiot for not going to Miss Flatmate. If the laugh had been a sort of nervous laugh, or a contemptuous one, then I can see why you wouldn't go. But if she laughed and smiled at you when she gave you the invite, then you're an idiot.

Still, I can't believe you had leads on 4 girls in one night! I've never managed to get more than one. Jealous.

patchouligirl said...

It sounds to me like Mormon girl only needed a bit of persuading but then she would have haunted you forever so its probably just as well you got out of there. Suicide girl sounds too desperate - maybe check out the other two.

WitchOne said...

Pers. I love you. You're life is so much FUN!!!!!! Leads on 4 girls in one night and no sex? That my friend is a little sad, but the rest is fantastic!!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Love gumby is Boogey's term.

Pers. you should have come to the High Vibes festival in Northcote yesterday.

Every single chick there was hot.

Even the policewomen.

Cath said...

I take your Love Gumby, and raise it to Dickhead.

You are amusing, witty, charming, and apparently able to pick up... but a dickhead.

And I fucking pissed myself laughing. Poor bastard!

Perseus said...

Boogeyman: She's a guy? Now I feel ill. Also, you are right about SG, but, assuming she makes considerable effort, is it not wrong to hold a grudge? Can I not forgive?

TNT: It wasn't full sex. Just groping. I said 'sex' for effect with Fanboy.

EO: So I shall date Suicide Girl for your entertainment? Well, it's as good a reason as any. It's not like I'm getting any other action.

Puss: Now that's an excellent question - if he didn't puke, would she be texting me? My feeling is yes, because he really is a doofus. But he's young, buff and very tall. He's better looking than me, but can't hold a conversation. And yes, Mormon was strange, but not if you put her in Mormon context. She was either a virgin, or would only have sex with a boyfriend or something. Still, at 31, it's about time she sampled a one-night stand. As for Miss Flatmate, it's probably good I didn't go anyway, because it would have caused even more problems between her and Miss Artist. In fact, conspiracy theory, she may have been inviting me solely to annoy Miss Artist. Finally, you probably did have four leads on one night before but didn't realise it.

PG: I did a lot of persuading, but got nowhere. She needed a different childhood... Horse (21) and Miss Flatmate (22) are both too young to take seriously - they would have only been shags.

Witchy: I love you too.

Ramon: I was invited by Miss Flatmate to the festival but wanted to get home to Lorne as I had a PT session. Yes, a PT session.

Cath: A well-dressed dickhead!

squib said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ramon Insertnamehere said...

A great pity Pers as High Vibes had everything that makes life bearable, viz;

Hot chicks!

If they could have thrown in politics and Test cricket, it would have been perfect.

Also - Suicide Girl?

Go for it!

shitbmxrider said...


If you dont at least give suicide girl a crack, I will hunt you down and slap you so fucking hard your childrens children still feel the sting.

Just fucking do it already.

On a side note, Cherry Bar, and Pony? We visit the same places, it would seem...

kitten said...

Thats karma for you. If you treat women as nothing more than walking vaginas, trading them amongst your mates and pimping them out to others, then its no surprise that the woman of your dreams is eluding you.

So you meet a nice girl who has a major crush on you, who is chaste, and probably a good candidate for "wife & mother", but she's "weird". However, slutty chick who gets drunk and likes to be groped in public and works in porn is your next girlfriend.

Anyone else see the contradiction inherent in your choice of women? Stop bitching that you cant find someone to settle down with if you are only interested in dating women who'll fuck anything.

Puss In Boots said...


I believe he was only referring to Suicide Girl as his next girlfriend before she got it on with Doofus. A large portion of his post is dedicated to how much respect he lost for her after that.

As for Mormon, it's highly unlikely he would consider her as relationship material when their spiritual beliefs don't match up. I tried dating a religious nutter once. Unless you think like them, it doesn't work.

And just because someone works in the pr0n industry doesn't mean they wouldn't make a good girlfriend. I used to flash my breasts at a large portion of Brisbane on the weekends and I am one of the most dedicated and domesticated girlfriends you'll ever meet.

shitbmxrider said...


I think you are being a bit harsh there, kitten...

Pepsi said...

Thanks Pers, this is a beautiful story, I laughed so hard it made my headache go away.

Hook up with SG for a date. I think its ok to have sex with someone else b/w a snog and a first date, its not like you were ‘together’ or anything. Just don’t fall in luv cause she’ll probably break your heart, if she’s used the “I didn’t mean it I was just really drunk” once and it worked, she’ll use it again.

Twas a bit stupid about Miss Flatmate but if you did show, you’d probably never get Miss Artist again and you like her so maybe that was a lucky bit of stupidity.

Mormon = stalker, watch your back at the next gig.

And Horse, you’ve not ruined that one yet, so keep her for next time.

Sounds like the gig went really well, and with Fanboy in the band, you’ll probably get lots more groupies so that’s something to look forward to.

There is part of me that thinks that maybe all this swimming in the shallow end of the pool makes me feel a little like Kitten at times, but posts from loved up breeders arent nearly as entertaining so just keep on doing what you do.

shitbmxrider said...

"And just because someone works in the pr0n industry doesn't mean they wouldn't make a good girlfriend. I used to flash my breasts at a large portion of Brisbane on the weekends and I am one of the most dedicated and domesticated girlfriends you'll ever meet."


My new partner has done porn in the past, and two of my best female freind are ex-strippers, and 3 nicer, more down to earth people you wont find.

And my g/f likes getting drunk and groping me in public, it would be rude to not return the favor...

Puss In Boots said...

Oh, and just because you're looking for a suitable partner to settle down with, doesn't mean you can't have casual sex with less suitable partners in the meantime.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

We have "loved up breeders", now?

squib said...

oh dear oh dear

1. Suicide Girl

She has ADD. No, no, no

2. Mormon

She is now picking out the bomboniere for your impending wedding. Red alert red alert

3. Miss Flatmate

You've known her for a long time. Why now?

4. Horse

Does she look like a palomino or a shetland? Does she have shady Chechen connections? I think you should have more info other than 'she looks like a horse and I think she'll go for it'

squib said...

OK, I have to ask, is it Chechnyan or Chechen?

Perseus said...

Kitten: Get fucked. I'm single. This is what happens. The girls in this story are also single, and they were as prepared as I was to take advantage of the situation. Except Mormon, whose change of mind I was respectful towards. A bastard would have told her off for bringing him back to her house with the promise of sex. I instead made sure that she was not to feel bad about it before I left.

Being a mixed-up Mormon, no, she is not a good candidate for wife and mother. Being that shy also discounts it.

And what the hell are you talking about regarding my 'choice of women'? It was a fucking pub, everyone was drunk. I was the lead singer of the band. I wasn't wife hunting, I was shag hunting, and so were they.

And just to shit you Kitten, I think I will go on a date with SG and go into great detail about how awesome the sex was.

Wasn't it you that used to like having casual sex with footballers? What does that say of your 'choice of men'? Did you just use them for sex? That's equally disrespectful of you.

I may be a gumby and a dickhead, but I don't think I did one thing that was in any way disrespectful of any woman there on the night.

Thank you Puss, Pepsi and BMX for seeing this as it is - a humorous anecdote.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Chechen, Squib.

Perseus said...

Wasn't it also you Kitten that pushed the whole 'sterilise the poor people' line? And claimed only poor dumb people had babies at a young age?

squib said...

Thanks Ramon, I think I managed to fix it without anyone noticing

Perseus said...


1. ADD? No, I think she was just horny, and she's claiming that in her drunken state she thought I was ignoring her (I was talking to friends and fans and didn't know she was still there).

2. Red alert, oh yes, but I will be emailing her to thank her for a nice evening. She was a nice girl and I don't want her to feel bad.

3. Why now? Dunno. We've always got along, but the real reason I suspect was that she hates Miss Artist so much she was prepared to shag her sometimes lover. It was that sort of night. Something happens at our gigs, in the air opr something. They always descend into madness.

4. I need to do more research to find out what sort of hourse she looks like. I'll report back later.

shitbmxrider said...


Theres Tara Moss/Sarah Jessica Parker "Why the long face" Horse-ness..

Or, Camilla Parker-Bowles/Princess Anne "Someone get the poor girl a feed bag and a salt lick" Horse-ness

Supreme Commander said...

"EO: So I shall date Suicide Girl for your entertainment? Well, it's as good a reason as any. It's not like I'm getting any other action."

not just mine, for everybodies - you write gloriously funny posts about your dates - they brighten up my mondays :) they're better than coffee

(sorry - I've changed my name again - aka Evil Overlord, Mad Cat Lady, Samantha)

kitten said...

You've missed my point Perseus. I have no issues with people having casual sex, just the attitude of men towards women and casual sex.

You go out lookig for sex, expect to be hooked up with someone's "seconds" because he "owes" you, yet crack the shits over a girl who hooks up with someone else after having met you for 20 minutes. Suddenly she's not good enough for you, and worse, its all your mates fault for having made a "poor selection".

For the record, I think you should go out with her too. I think you have a lot in common. Just dont be suprised when she turns out to not be the mother of your future children, and don't whine about it.

That is what I meant by karma. What you put out is what you get back. In your case, you got SG.

Supreme Commander said...

i never thought camilla was all that bad looking?

Perseus said...

No, I didn't miss your point. You said I treat women as walking vaginas. That's pretty clear. You claim my friends and I 'pimp'. Also clear. Then you have the gall to say, "I don't mind people having casual sex." So, you don't mind if they have casual sex, but also think it's pimping and disrespectful? Decide. Which is it? Adults hooking each other up for mutual fun, or disrespectful pimping? None of the women here objected to the process. They enjoy the sex play too.

Well if I end up with someone who really likes me and enjoys having sex with me, then as far as I can tell: Yay!

You'd have had her sterilised years ago.

Puss In Boots said...

I think you're missing his point, Kitten. She might have just been a shag potential before he met her, but then he met her and she changed to girlfriend potential, and I think she realised that too. And then she messed around with that other dude, so she was no longer either potential.

I really don't see what the problem is here. If she'd remained a shag potential and had screwed around with Doofus, I don't think Pers would have been upset about it.

And I really don't think women's attitudes towards men and casual sex is any better. In fact, women are often more predatory than men. Look at Imelda's antics. Or go and read any number of single young females' blogs. You'll find most of them are worse than men's stories on the same subject.

kitten said...

Puss, its very difficult to meet "The One" when you are not being "The One". What girl is going to approach Perseus that night after watching him snogging two different girls in a public place. That's the problem with having lots of casual relationships while waiting to meet Mr/Ms Right - potential partners get scared right off, and just assume you are a dirty skank/player.

Perseus, if you genuinely are looking for a wife, then you need to behave as if you are good husband material. Acting like a rock star backstage fucking groupies isn't going to get you what you want, even if you say that its only for "one night". You send out the wrong message about yourself, and you will get back only those that respond to the wrong message.

Perseus said...

See, that's why you're my internet girlfriend Puss. Gee I love you.

"If she'd remained a shag potential and had screwed around with Doofus, I don't think Pers would have been upset about it."

Correct! It is also why I'm prepared to give her another shot, because I really did like her a lot. So much so, I am prepared to forgive just this once and see what happens.

kitten said...

Its quite possible to have casual sex partners and still respect them as people. And pimping your previous fucks out to your mates is just gross. Why cant you get your own dates?

I have casual sex, but I dont pimp my exes to my friends in the belief they owe me sex, and I dont expect to be passed around my lovers's mates either. And yes, this is from a girl who hung out with rugby league players.

Puss In Boots said...

No it isn't, Kitten. It depends on where you're looking for wife/husband material, and where you're looking for casual sex material. They're often very different places. If I was looking for a casual shag, I would likely go to a pub and find one. If I was looking for a husband, I would certainly not go to a pub to find one, because I would never want to marry someone who spent their time in pubs.

Perseus said...

Yeah, sure Kitten. After the next gig I'll stand around afterwards exuding 'husband' vibes. Maybe I should get a card printed.

"Perseus - Husband Material"

For fuck's sake. Since Ponygirl left me in Feb, I've had a few sessions with Miss Artist and that's it (the last one was after the goth club night, mentioned here). Three sexings in six months, all with the same girl. Give me a fucking break.

I was looking for a shag. Sue me.

Perseus said...

And further Kitten, I prefer to meet women through my friends because it's like they come with references. Fanboy did have sex with her, and so I know she carries no STD's, frinstance, and she's not a psycho stalker. What you call 'pimping' I call 'sound dating principle'.

Pepsi said...

Rock stars make lovely husbands for rock star chicks - where else is rock star groupie chick going to find a husband then at a gig?

I'm with Pers on the friend thing too. A shag recommendation from a friend usually means the recommended shagee isnt a psycho. Call it pimping, call it whatever you like, but I'd rather take a recommendation from a friend than chance a random who could be a psycho.

RandomGit said...

I may be a gumby and a dickhead, but I don't think I did one thing that was in any way disrespectful of any woman there on the night.

Actually, I think that's why you're not a gumby and a dickhead.

And now you get to reward your integrity by having a real date with SG, who clearly wants to improve.

So the nice guy finishes first for a change.

Well done you.

kitten said...

You can meet anyone anywhere Puss. You think badly of someone because they went to a bar to listen to a band? I've met many great guys in bars, and some real wankers in places like Uni and work. You never know where lightning will strike!

Cath said...

Unless money changes hands.... it is not really pimping! Anyway, the women are all adults - they could say no. I have "pimped" a friend to Pers - although at the time I thought of it more as "introducing a woman who I like a lot to a man who I like a lot who I thought might get on".

Are we bringing semantics into it now?

kitten said...

Sorry, I still think its foul. Its one thing to say to a friend "I really like that person you used to date, do you mind if I contact them" and quite another to ask a friend "deliver me one of your ex-shags for me to have sex with because you owe me".

Starting anything with SG on that basis alone probably dooms it from the beginning. I wonder how she would feel knowing she was being loaned out in settlement of a favour. Perhaps you could tell her, and then tell us her response in your next post, along with the details of the great sex?

Perseus said...

Kiteen - She already knew. She knew the whole story about him 'owing' me a shag, and she thought it was funny.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I used to flash my breasts at a large portion of Brisbane on the weekends

It's nice to have a hobby, Puss.

Puss In Boots said...

Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of nice people who go to bars, Kitten. The problem is that I probably wouldn't like them, being a non-drinking, homebody. So therefore, where I go to meet a potential husband would be somewhere very different than a bar. And for me, usually the internet, because I am socially inept like that. All I was saying is that I don't think it's wrong of Pers to be acting like he did after his gig, as it's not like he acts like that in the supermarket, or the library, or wherever. He was looking for a shag that particular night, not a wedding.

Ramon - if only it was a hobby, and I actually got some enjoyment out of it. The money was alright, I suppose. Still, if I had my time again, I probably wouldn't do it. It's come back to bite me a few times now.

Anonymous said...

Bugger me. I don't hang around bars and rock gigs at all. Is this why I'm not getting any casual sex?

I do hang out at work exuding husband vibes, but it's not working either.

What's the solution, kitten you savvy love guru you?

Three sexings in six months, all with the same girl. Give me a fucking break.

Wuss. You'd never survive a multi-year drought with that attitude.

Perseus said...

You mean, there's such a thing as a multi-year drought?


kitten said...

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with Perseus picking up chicks to have sex with. But I do have an issue with the manner in which it was done. That's all.

He has such very high standards when it comes to his "list" of requirements a woman must have in order to date him, yet will shag anything, even his mates sloppy seconds. Funny, but I think the second is the reason he can't find the first (madonna/whore complex?).

If you are looking to settle down, it doesnt pay to be hanging out with women who already know that they are nothing more to you than a casual bonk.

So if SG thought she was being set up with Perseus as a potential girlfriend not just a fuck, then she probably would have behaved quite differently that night. And things would have worked out in a different manner - Perseus may have gotten both a girlfriend and a shag.

Every action has a consequence, and if you start out with negative vibes that is what you get back. Its what I believe anyway - if you want to meet someone great, start out by being great yourself.

Boogey, I know exactly where a guy can meet a whole heap of intelligent, professional single women, but its not a dating site, and there's no casual sex going on (unless you are in Sydney, then maybe). However, there are lots of longterm relationships being formed. These men find that once they stop looking/asking for sex, they actually find a relationship.
(I wish it would work as well for the women, but the gender ratio is 3 women to every guy).

Mr E Discharge said...

Great story PQ.

Kinda like "Spinaltap" meets "Casanova" meets "Mister Bean",
Adapted for the screen by Edward Albee from the original novel by Albert Camus.

I'm giving it three and half stars.


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Let me just say this, Kitten.

The Beatles' "Hard Day's Night"

In Yiddish!

Perseus said...

Speaking of Albee, I finally saw the film version of 'Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf' the other day. LOVED IT. I recommend.

Kitten: Madonna/Whore? I'm really starting to take offence at what you're saying about me, but as of now I'm not taking the bait. I no longer have any interest in what you have to say on this topic. You're the same person who wanted poor people sterilised, so, really, your opinions mean little to me.

kitten said...

I dont actually recall ever saying that poor people should be sterilised, so either you have taken something out of context or wrongly attributed it to me. I did say that poor uneducated people are more likely to have children at a young age, but that is statistically proven so cannot be considered a controversial opinion.

And a Madonna/Whore complex is not so unusual either. Many men happily sleep with women they would not consider worth even taking out to dinner and having a conversation with. I like to think most men are better than that, and am always disappointed to find out they are not.

Pepsi said...

"....I know exactly where a guy can meet a whole heap of intelligent, professional single women, but its not a dating site, and there's no casual sex going on (unless you are in Sydney, then maybe)

I'm intrigued by this, Kitten please tell us more about this place. I'm espcially interested in the bit were there is no casual sex, well that is unless you are in Sydney.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

you have taken something out of context

My God, Walt's back!!

Kitten, your somewhat starling misreading of what was a very well written and amusing post by Pers says rather more about you than him.

Anonymous said...

Starling misreading, Ramon?

You're letting the owls get to you.

I know exactly where a guy can meet a whole heap of intelligent, professional single women

I'll bite, Kitten. Where is this veritable dating Avalon of which you speak.

Puss In Boots said...

Many men happily sleep with women they would not consider worth even taking out to dinner and having a conversation with. I like to think most men are better than that, and am always disappointed to find out they are not.

The same can be said for women, Kitten. I've slept with guys I've never considered having a proper conversation with. I know I'm not the only one.

So if SG thought she was being set up with Perseus as a potential girlfriend not just a fuck, then she probably would have behaved quite differently that night.

The fact that both SG and Pers decided together to go on a date in a few nights' time and not just hook up for sex after the gig says to me that both knew, even if they had originally been introduced by a friend for that reason, it developed into something more after they had met. She knew it, he knew it. Therefore, there was no real reason she'd go and make out with Doofus. Her regretful sms the next day and since then proves this. If Pers was just a shag to her, she wouldn't be trying so hard to get a second chance.

He has such very high standards when it comes to his "list" of requirements a woman must have in order to date him, yet will shag anything, even his mates sloppy seconds. Funny, but I think the second is the reason he can't find the first (madonna/whore complex?).

So what? I really don't see how the two connect. Yes, he has high standards for a potential wife. Yes, he'd probably shag anything, but then so would most guys. And probably a lot of girls would too. I highly doubt that because he's screwed the same chick three times in six months that this is the reason he hasn't found a potential wife yet. And I doubt SG is really his mate's "sloppy seconds" as you put it. I think that term only counts if Pers had screwed her on the same night as his friend. Besides, I think it's better to have a recommendation from a friend that a particular girl is safe and non-psycho than to go out and pick up a chick with diseases and half a mind. Not to mention I highly doubt SG would have even met Pers if she wasn't up for it. She sounds like the type to make up her own mind. I doubt Pers' friend just told her she was meeting someone for a shag and dragged her along without her consent. She's obviously been told the details and decided on her own she wanted to meet Pers. So I really can't see what you have such a problem with.

kitten said...

What, that I think that men who expect their mates to deliver a "sure thing" for sex (plus a back up in case the first isnt so sure) is not quite appropriate? So sue me.

Funny and well written it was. But I also found it a bit sad and degrading (not for Perseus, but for the women involved).

But then I guess that's just a normal night out for the average Australian male, so I'm not expecting everyone to be in agreement with me.

kitten said...

Re the "place" I mentioned, I'm not saying as I dont want to mix my online and offline lives. All I can say, that if you are genuinely looking for that "place" (and people) in your life you will find it through Google. Many others have. However, if you are looking for something different (even in Sydney) then you won't. (Its not advertised anywhere)

PS. I am not talking about religion and church either, just in case it sounds like it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm having bird troubles, Boogey.

Pepsi said...

This is the second funniest thing I've read all day.

I'll post it here especially for Kitten.


Perseus said...

What Puss said.

Puss said it better than I would, and she was right on everything.

In fact... Puss, what are you doing for Halloween? My band is playing. Maybe you could come down and stand beside me after the gig when I'm tipsy and silly, and kind of, you know, direct traffic. Be my spokesperson. You'd be able to soberly weed out the Mormons.

Kitten - I'm taking the bait. Which woman was I disrespectful to?

Puss In Boots said...

When is Halloween? How cold will it be?

Perseus said...

October 31.
Colder than Brisbane.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Are you playing in Melbourne?

Anonymous said...

Re the "place" I mentioned, I'm not saying as I dont want to mix my online and offline lives. All I can say, that if you are genuinely looking for that "place" (and people) in your life you will find it through Google. Many others have. However, if you are looking for something different (even in Sydney) then you won't. (Its not advertised anywhere)

Pfft. Oh puh-lease. How does revealing this "place" risk anything about your offline identity?

Sounds to me like you just made a very wild, very general statement for effect, that you can't back up with concrete information when requested.

Telling me to google something as abstract as 'place to find intelligent, professional, single women' is quite the cop-out.

I don't need 3 degrees to mark that as a FAIL.

Perseus said...

Yes. 95% of our gis are in inner-city Melbourne.

Perseus said...

I think Kitten is referring to the Young Liberals.

Anonymous said...

The Young Liberals are accepting single professional women now?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I might roll up to said gig.

squib said...

Could it be a book club?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

As long as there's loud music and beer, Squib, I'm really not too fussed.

squib said...

No, really, I recently read about book clubs where they have loud music and beer. Except in Sydney, where they just have orgies

Pepsi said...

I live in Sydney and I go to two book groups and neither of them have had orgies.

Loud music and wine yes, but no orgies - we did read Fanny Hill and even that didnt bring on an orgy.

I think I have been ripped off.

Perseus said...

Pepsi: You shouldn't have orgies at book clubs because it's degrading to women, or something.

Ramon: I don't believe you. But I'll send you the info soon and I am willing to be proven wrong.

squib said...

Here in WA, we just have tea and scotch fingers. And there's a picture of the queen on the wall

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You shouldn't have orgies at book clubs because it's degrading to women, or something

It's certainly degrading to the books.

Wouldn't the covers get all sticky?

Pepsi said...

You shouldn't have orgies at book clubs because it's degrading to women, or something.

Sorry I forgot Pers, I'm a woman, I'm single, I'd be up for it.

But, according to someone elses moral compass, its viewed to be degrading to me and other women like I cant do it.

Rightio, I get it, I'll go back to reading The Sun.

It's certainly degrading to the books.
If they were single and up for it Ramon, I reckon the books might enjoy it too.

wari lasi said...

Great post mate. What a life you have. I went to Lae for the weekend and someone stole my BlackBerry on Saturday morning, what a nightmare. Salamaua (google it) was great though. Flew back to Moresby last night absolutely buggered.

You have loads of good advice, and some bad of course. Squib as usual has her head on straight. That all these ladies here hold you in such high regard should be comforting.

I reckon not going there with Mormon girl was a great idea. She has issues, not necessarily scary issues, but issues none the less. And don't apologise for treating a woman decently, regardless of how strange she went.

Melba said...

Is it too late to register my vote?

I say you should have a date with SG. There's nothing wrong with another go, especially considering you weren't even on a date, going out, etc. You sound like you want to anyway... She could be "The One."

I don't believe something like that should disqualify someone completely... we are all flawed and we all make mistakes. She has tried to apologise and in quite a charming way.

The other thing I wanted to ask was: how can the fact that Fanboy fucked a girl equate with that girl not having STIs? Just not getting the logic there.

Oh, there is one other thing.

Does it really bother you that I expressed disapproval re your arrangement with The Artist? Would it help if I said I really don't care?

You know I love you, but you shouldn't really care so much what people think. If you post this sort of stuff, you will get criticism. You just have to cop it.

As long as you are okay with it. You know that's the important thing.

Hey, I met Franco Cozzo today. For real!

Melba said...

And also, yes. I think you handled the Mormon very well. Respect.

Mr E Discharge said...

Hey, I met Franco Cozzo today. For real!

Name dropper!

Perseus said...

"how can the fact that Fanboy fucked a girl equate with that girl not having STIs?"

These days, us single people often check these things before having sex. In fact, the information is often volunteered by responsible adults. Especially if you start dating. This information must be divulged.

Last year, I was on a date and the girl suddenly blurted out that she had herpes. I had much respect for her honesty.

Melba said...

Flimsy response, Perseus. So what, you have an STI check before you have sex? What about the fact that most STIs are a-symptomatic?

Mr E - not a name drop. Went into his shop, and there the Great Man was. Larger than life and talking about whether it was going to rain. It was a special moment for this Melbourne person.

Perseus said...

Sorry Melba. I'm not explaining myself properly. Fanboy and Suicide Girl had indeed conversed on the topic of STD's, and they are friends to this day, good friends, and, well, he knows this about her. He passed on the information.

I know not all of them are symptomatic, but one can know what one knows about oneself, and choose or not choose to divulge the information.

It's not the most perfect system, no.


Was it in Footyscray?

eat my shorts said...

Perseus: if I were you, I'd give Suicide Girl another shot. What have you got to lose? It sounds like her only mistake was drinking a bit too much & then thinking you weren't paying attention to her (when you weren't aware she was still in the venue). She's explained & apologised.

Who knows, it could be a funny story to tell the grandkids one day.

Garn. Give 'er a go.

patchouligirl said...

We have "loved up breeders", now? Yes. And I can't imagine sitting around having a laugh about a first night like you and SG had - its a lot for her to live down. As a casual thing SG sounds fine but if you want to meet miss right you wont do it while you are busy with miss wrong (or miss 'right for now').

I heard it said recently that you have to become the kind of person you want to attract. Great post!

Melba said...

Thanks for explaining Perseus, but I wouldn't call that a system at all. Unless you call Russian Roulette a system. And I'm not talking HIV/AIDS even; chlamydia can really mess up a woman's fertility if left untreated.

But enough scaremongering and pompous self-righteousness from me.

The shop was di originale ina Brunsawick. And Franco was incredibly spry and very dapper. I thought he was old in the '70s.

Kettle said...

Perseus, a fine story brilliantly told. And my God what a day of comments. I agree with Puss on pretty much everything; in fact, I think I may be in love with you, Puss. But since you and Perseus are internet love-nuts I'll settle for some kind of online sibling thing with either or both of you.

Squib and Ramon, thanks for 'Chechen'; I didn't know that.

Perseus said...

Spoke to Suicide Girl tonight. She displayed considerable regret.

Date is next Saturday night.

Next instalment: Monday.

Dr. Golf said...

In order of preference.

1. Miss Flatmate
She seems nice and also pretty keen. I liked her upfront no-nonsense approach, not many girls would make the call after being stood up the night before. If anything was going to happen with Miss Artist it would have happened already. You might lose your friend with benefits, but gain much more.

2. Mormon
Bit weird, but could be worth a date, if only to ensure you don't lose your number one fan. I really liked her cleavage also.

3. Horse
Hard to place in the voting with little form to go off. But I got a good feeling. Don’t write off.

4. Suicide Girl
For some reason I don't buy the vomit story. I've done my share of vomiting, I've vomited on couches, in hallways, in cars, on public transport, in pot-plants. But I have never vomited on a lady. 97% of the time you make it to the loo or a garden. The remaining 3% of the time you at least manage to miss the people in your immediate vicinity.

Mr E Discharge said...

Date is next Saturday night.

Next instalment: Monday.

Here we go again!

Perseus said...

Remind me not to get your tips for this year's Melbourne Cup, Golfy.

Your order of preference is:

1. A 22 year old unemployed hippy whose biggest enemy is my good friend and sometimes lover.

2. A 31 year old probable virgin Mormon. Please see my other blog for my opinions on the religious.

3. A 20 or 21 year old girl I've never met who looks like a horse.

4. A late 20's single and employed woman who is making considerable effort to please me.


She texted this morning to thank me for talking last night. She has selected a venue for our date. She describes the bar as walking distance from her house, and decorated like a bordello.

I shall be doing my leg strteches this week.

Perseus said...

Oh, and Kettle: I saw Puss first! But maybe she'll be up for an internet threesome.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

People who think Perseus couldn't get laid holding a gold Amex in a brothel.

That's pretty much the consensus.

Puss In Boots said...

For once I feel all popular and shit. Takes me back to primary school days, it does. It all went downhill for me when I went to high school. *sigh*

kitten said...

Perseus - regret can be many things, such as:
- "I'm sorry for what I did"
- "I'm sorry I got caught out doing what I did"
- "I'm sorry things didnt work out with the first guy, but its okay I have a Plan B"

Considering she said "I'm really not like that" when she slept with your mate, was willing to meet you knowing it was just for sex, and then slept with Doofus, I'm not really sure what "not like that" actually means. Seems to me she really is "like that".

But I'm with Patchouligirl on this - good for what you are looking for right now, not good if you want something longterm.

RandomGit said...

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl kisses boy. Boy disappears. Girl meets new boy. Takes boy home. Boy pukes all over girl. Girl made a terrible mistake

That actually sounds like the start of what would be an awesome song.

Fad MD said...

That was fantastic Pers!

On the SG hookup thing Mrs Fad and I met at the pub through mutual friends in much the same way, but with the roles reversed as I was paraded in front of her lide a head of cattle. We smooched and I drove her home. The following weekend she was away and I drunkenly snogged on with someone else. She called me a slut, which I objected to as sluts get sex, so I was then upgraded to "tart".

We then moved on to dating etc, etc and now married with two kids.

Perseus said...

That gives me hope, Fad.

And also, 100 comments!

Have we ever hit that here?

At TSSH, that would have been a ludicrously low figure, but for TSFKA it's pretty good.

All thanks to Kitten!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I think 100 comments is indeed a TSFKA first, Pers.

All thanks to Kitten.

And you being a love gumby, of course.

Anonymous said...

Nah, Perseus's rant against the Seventh Day Adventists got 119 comments.

Close but no cigar.

kitten said...

I do try!
So only 17 more comments to go?

I was meaning to reply to Boogey re his comment on my fictional place where people of the opposite sex meet in a nice and respectful way (except maybe in Sydney because Sydney people are usually not nice and respectful anywhere).

I was at a party on the weekend with about 50 people, all from "the place I shall not name", 10 of them were dating each other (and all had been together 1+ years) so this mystical place has a 20% success rate at partnering people (at least in my circle of friends). 90% of the rest of the attendees were single.

But I think it will be funny if this post results in a bunch of guys desperately joining book clubs or knitting circles or walking groups in the vain hope of finding what the fuck I'm talking about :-)

Pepsi said...

because Sydney people are usually not nice and respectful anywhere

Right, I'm bored, game on.

So, Kitten, how much did you pay to attend this party then?

Perseus said...

It's probably about $100 a year to join The Liberal Party, Pepsi.

Pepsi said...

Including drinks ?

Perseus said...

Not sure about NSW, but in the Vic Liberal Party, they only serve drinks if Kroger turns up.

Anonymous said...

I was at a party on the weekend with about 50 people, all from "the place I shall not name", 10 of them were dating each other (and all had been together 1+ years) so this mystical place has a 20% success rate at partnering people (at least in my circle of friends). 90% of the rest of the attendees were single.

Ahh, so it's non-fictional, but you still won't name it.

In the words of a wise ALP elder - Pig's Arse!

It's the mark of a poor debater to make general statements in support of a case, then squirm out of it when requested for specifics.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The Victorian ALP tends to take a more direct approach.

ALP Hack: "Wanna root?"




ALP Hackette: "OK."

kitten said...

I paid nothing to attend. It was a house party hosted by a friend. BYO drinks and something for the BBQ, and I left about 4.30am.

Its my social scene, so thats why I am not posting it all over the internet. Perseus doesnt post details of his gigs on this blog - does that mean that they are fictional too?

Anonymous said...

Kitten, you stated "I know exactly where a guy can meet a whole heap of intelligent, professional single women", implying that what you knew was something open to anyone who just cared to look.

Now, it seems, you're trying to say it's actually just an isolated group of your personal friends that happens to be replete with intelligent single professionals.

Perseus might not post details of his individual gigs but he does at least reveal that he plays in a rock band. He doesn't say, "I have this hobby where I could potentially pick up heaps of easy chicks, but I won't say what it is, for fear of revealing my identity to the world", like you do.

So what you're actually saying your big secret is, is "cultivate an extended social circle of single female professionals, and attend parties with them to meet potential partners."

I don't know why I never thought of that before (slaps forehead).

Leilani said...

Just got around to reading this Perseus. Glad I didn't throw my friend into the mix as well.

Sorry Boogey & Kitten - as you were.

kitten said...

No, it is an external organised thing, run out of Sydney. The party was just a get together of some of the Melbourne people that we've met and like, so invited them over for a house party.

Pepsi said...

it is an external organised thing, run out of Sydney.

So, the not very nice and unrespectful folk who have orgies all the time, are the ones that run this place to pick up chicks, but isnt a dating site venture that you've been spruiking??

kitten said...

Yes, its much bigger in Sydney than in Melbourne. The two are quite different according to a friend who moved down from there, her explanation being that the Melbourne group is smaller, tighter knit, and less tolerant of dickheads.

Melba said...


My other suggestion was Amway but then I remembered that you pretty much have to be partnered to even get a look in there. Oh, and Born Again.

Perseus said...

I was thinking Neo-Nazis.


Oh, and Leilani... One more in the mix may have actually helped things! I was kinda waiting for your friend to approach anyway, just in case.

Pepsi said...

Friends of Samantha Brett?

catlick said...

And there I was thinking you wouldn't get to 119. Oh yea of little faith... Great post Perseus, and Kitten is the boxing Homer Simpson of TSFKA, taking punishment that would drop most.

catlick said...

"ye of little faith..."

Anonymous said...

So I'm a little confused, Kitten.

Assuming your dating gold-mine social club actually exists, you clearly don't want to offer any useful information to anyone seeking intelligent dates. So why say anything about it in the first place? Were you just big-noting yourself or something?

patchouligirl said...

I remember hearing of 'table talk', where a bunch of single people go out for dinner together in a group (so a lot less pressure than a blind date). I think some of these organisations had weekends away too. I'm not sure what type of people go to these things but probably not too many texan goths.

Perseus said...

It can't be that PG, because Kitten reckons that there were couples in relationships there.

It's either a swingers' party, or ballroom dancing.

UPDATE: The Mormon emailed. In it, she says..."Well you've certainly struck me as an unusually moral and upstanding man... Thank you for taking off with reasonably good grace, I had some regrets getting to sleep!"

I print this not to show off (well, a little bit) but simply to say to Kitten: IN YOUR FACE.

I'm still waiting to hear from you Kitten which woman I was disrespectful to on the night.

patchouligirl said...

"upstanding" hehe

homesick said...

Pers you've done it again... the story that is. Very entertaining and in some interweb way I wish I could give you a big hug in a 'nawww' kind of way.

After trudging through the comments I must say I have my tent firmly pitched in Puss's camp.*

In my experience women are just as predatory as men and there is nothing wrong with being predatory, whether its for a spouse or a shag.

For the record I met spouse at lesbian mate's dinner party and we, spouse and I, were the only two straight guests.

We fucked like demons that night and have been for the past 15 years.

So who cares if its fuck for now or fuck for life .... as long as you get one.

Alas poor Pers.

Remember though, all good things come to those who fail over and over again. I suggest re-reading your post; doesn't it remind you of a kind of Judd Apatow/Richard Curtis rom-com that could star
Hugh Grant as your good self and Drew Barrymore as SG.

Just a thought.....

* Fnarr fnarr

kitten said...

I find it strange that she thinks you are moral and upstanding simply because you hightailed it out of there as soon as you realised you werent going to get sex. Its like she's thanking you for not raping her or something. So is that the deal these days - nice men bolt and not so nice men stay and force sex on women? What ever happened to just staying over and cuddling? God, I feel so sorry for young women these days.

kitten said...

Boogey - I raised it only as an illustration of my point that when you stop seeing women as simply things that you pick up on the night to fuck, usually you will be available to meet a women who will be ideal for a long term relationship. This group is not a dating/sex site, that is why there are so many couples who form out of it. They meet, they have something in common, they take time to get to know one another, and there is no sexual pressure. Most of the women I know can't stand RSVP and the like, because its just full of desperate men looking for sex, none of which are prepared to date for several weeks and put effort into getting to know someone.

I do find it a little odd that no-one has guessed what it is. So obviously I was right - those who are in the right frame of mind will find it on their own, while those who are not will never even think about it.

Perseus said...

Kitten - I was frivolous in my post... aiming for humour, which, with you, I failed at.

She invited me back for sex. Then she changed her mind, and I did indeed spend some time with her reassuring her it was all okay. I didn't just stand up and bolt out the door. There was about 20 minutes of holding and me saying, "It's okay, I don't mind... I understand..." and so on. She kept apologising and I kept saying that she didn't have to, and these things happen, and we were drunk, and all of that.

Re-read my post and look at the times. Left pub at 3am. Walked around the corner to her house, but left at 4.30am.

I did also offer just laying in bed and cuddling but she said that would be more frustrating.

I'm not the pig you think I am.

Perseus said...

Oh, and...

"Its like she's thanking you for not raping her or something."

You're an idiot and I don't like you.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I must say Kitten, your ability to comment with absolute certainty on a situation you have no first-hand knowledge of is most refreshing.

Bravo, well done you.

Can somebody write a post about giant shellfish or something?

Kitten is making my head hurt.

Puss In Boots said...

I think Kitten has been the "victim" of the behaviour she is so adament Pers has displayed, and is thus projecting it onto him and getting all antsy about it.

kitten said...

You're a 40 year old man who picks up 22 year olds for sex. You don't need to say anything else.

Perseus said...

It's sinking in.

Kitten, you seem to think that the only possible sexual interaction between a man and a woman who just meet involves the woman doing the man an enormous favour by having sex with them.

What people like Puss and Homesick point out is also what I note is true - that women also go looking for some sex.

You seem to think I was some sort of predator by looking to pick up after my band's gig, but, the women I interacted with on the night were doing exactly the same thing. It was consenting, and fun. And, may I add, normal behaviour amongst singles.

May I also add, since Ponygirl dumped me and I was thoroughly devestated, it has taken me this long to really throw myself back into the whole singles / pickup thing with any dedication. Like I said - I've only had sex with Miss Artist in the last six months - and only three times. She's a dear friend.

I live in a tourist town with a notorious 'pickup' pub only two minutes' walk away. If I was the sexual predator you imagine me, I'd be there scoring or trying to score every night, but I'm not.

If you think that all men just think with their dicks and are after only one thing, you are wrong. If that's how you see us when you go out, you're creating an us vs them scenario, as if we're different species or something. I feel sorry for any man approaching you because they think you are pretty and/or a nice person, because you're going to be looking at them thinking, "He just wants one thing."

Sex is just one of the things we all want.

kitten said...

To be fair, Perseus, I have stated in previous posts that I have no issue with you looking for casual sex partners. My issue is how you did it. I objected to you demanding that a friend deliver to you someone to have sex with, because he owed you one. If you had just said you met her in the bar that night and she seemed keen, I wouldnt have been so grossed out.

And apologies if I misinterpreted your evening with the Mormon girl. If she asked you to leave then no problems.

Loose Shunter said...

As the holder of the 'Kingotis Memorial Award' for the longest thread on TSSH (something to do with St Joseph's College boys on public transport as I recall), I am impressed by the longevity and high post count of this thread, largely driven by one person with an incurable itch and another person with a burr under their saddle.

I would not hesitate in recommending this post for an award of the 'Kingotis Memorial Award' if it can crack 150 replies. A crappy MS Paint award is the worn decoration for recipients.


Anonymous said...

Boogey - I raised it only as an illustration of my point that when you stop seeing women as simply things that you pick up on the night to fuck, usually you will be available to meet a women who will be ideal for a long term relationship.

Well, Kitten, I don't see them that way, and yet I still don't meet women looking for long term relationships. So I'm none the wiser after your rather presumptuous magic bullet solution.

I do find it a little odd that no-one has guessed what it is. So obviously I was right - those who are in the right frame of mind will find it on their own, while those who are not will never even think about it.

No Kitten, you are wrong. I'm of the right frame of mind but I am still unable to divine your mysterious singles club.

And as for where intelligent single professional women go for fun, all your prevaricating has left me no less ignorant.

Puss In Boots said...

Kitten, people have been setting other people up since the dawn of time. Haven't you read Jane Austen?

Your problem seems to be with Pers' writing. He was obviously writing for comedic effect, and obviously didn't "demand" his friend find him a root. You seem to be taking this way too seriously, and completely ignoring the fact that none of these girls would have even spoken to Pers had they not been interested. If SG had a problem with Pers' friend suggesting she date Pers, I'm sure she wouldn't have even turned up. So if she didn't have a problem with it, why should you?

catlick said...

I can't decide if it's Mensa or AA.

kitten said...

Why would I have a problem with it when she doesn't? Umm, perhaps because I have a modicum of self esteem and would never let myself be handed around a bunch of blokes for them all to "do me". I personally would object to even being discussed sexually and "recommended". It just creeps me out.

Puss In Boots said...

Well, thank fsm Pers wasn't posting about you then, Kitten!

Seriously, this post is not about you. If SG didn't have a problem with it, and she clearly doesn't or she wouldn't be going on a date with Pers, then neither should you. What SG decides to do with her body is none of your business, really.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that what you really have a problem with in this post is Pers' writing style. If he'd said, "a friend of mine set me up with a girl", I doubt you'd have taken such an issue. But as he tried to make the story more amusing (and it worked for 99% of us here), you got your knickers in a twist.

social disaster said...

Why would I have a problem with it when she doesn't? Umm, perhaps because I have a modicum of self esteem and would never let myself be handed around a bunch of blokes for them all to "do me". I personally would object to even being discussed sexually and "recommended". It just creeps me out.

Didn't you confess upthread to being a league groupie? Gosh I hope you weren't one of those annoying ones who believe they have more dignity than all the other little starfuckers.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to add to this thread but I understand that there will be MS Paint artwork if the comment count reaches 150.

Actually, I should thank Kitten for turning a story about Perseus's love-life (personally, I prefer to hear him lashing out at religious and political groups) into something much more absurd and entertaining and spawning what must be the greatest article ever on this site. Nice work.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm slow off the mark, but I just realised that a horse would be the perfect companion for a "love-gumby". It dawned on me when I came across this picture.

patchouligirl said...

I've started thinking maybe the mormon is worth another look. She has obviously been admiring you from afar for a long long time, shares your musical taste, she looks hot and she hasn't had half your mates go through her before you. You would have to take it really slow with someone like her, you would be like her first boyfriend. You could just take her on old fashioned platonic dates to make sure she isn't a nutter. She will have baggage but who doesn't? Is there anything wrong with an old fashioned courtship? It would be a refreshing change and rather sweet (and non committal if you find you want to escape). If you are really looking for someone to marry and breed with, the mormon could be your girl - why dont you start by being her friend. If you want to root SG in the meantime go for it - she doesn't sound like she'll be around long anyway.

Perseus said...

PG: No way, she's a Mormon, and so is all her family. I'm an atheist. Plus I don't want a 31 year old virgin. Or a confused 31 year old.

Suicide Girl hasn't 'been through half my mates'. She briefly dated one of my best friends about a year ago. She then dated another man for 8 months who I don't know, and since then, she has not been with anyone until the vomiter, and they didn't have sex.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm inclined to agree, Pers.

Too much baggage.

Only three more comments to go!!


Puss In Boots said...

PG, like I said above, I tried to date someone whose religious views were at a juxtaposition to mine. It didn't work. A relationship where one person is religious and the other is not is doomed to fail.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I dunno Puss.

The Mrs is religious and my religion is the Labor Party.

I think it depends on whether they're a mad "fundi" or not.

catlick said...

I was going to write a lengthy, thoughtful comment, but who cares? 150!

Puss In Boots said...

My definition of "religious" is not just someone who believes there might be someone out there, though. My definition of religious is someone who actively believes in god, and prays and tells you shit like "god has a plan for you." That's not necessarily a "fundi", but it is actively religious. And for someone who is actively an atheist, I can't stand that sort of crap.

I just think the atheist would think the believer is stupid and ignorant for believing in an imaginary being, and the believer would pity the atheist for not having faith. I can't see that ever working out in the long run. Of course, you may be the exception to the rule, Ramon.

Perseus said...

I could maybe, just maybe, date a relaxed and non-fundi religious person who sometimes goes to a relaxed and normal church (you know, like a Greek chick who goes at Easter and Christmas, for instance). But not a hardcore churchgoer, or someone who obsesses about religion and loves Jesus more than anyone else, or, as in this case, belongs to a totally whack church like the Mormons and has adopted cultural traits such as virginity. I wouldn't go out with a Hillsong happy-clapper either.

Is that 150?

MS Paint Trophy! Woohoo!

Perseus said...

Marry me, Puss.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

We're sitting back here as the counter clicks over 150, sipping martinis as balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling.

a relaxed and non-fundi religious person who sometimes goes to a relaxed and normal church

That's pretty much the Mrs, Pers.

catlick said...

I think that prize is mine.* And I find the "belief" incompatibility within relationships extends to quasi religiosity, tarot, zodiac, ghosts... Hard to desire someone you think is gullible and intellectually soft.

*evil laugh

Perseus said...

I more than agree Catlick. The colour therapy, tarot reading astrology nuts are as bad as fucking Jehovahs. Even worse, because they claim they aren't 'religious' and yet everything they say and believe is on par with what religion preaches - afterworlds, souls, destiny, fate and so on.

Puss In Boots said...

If the boy runs out of his 5 year deadline Pers, I'm yours!

catlick said...

Perseus, as is often the case, we are in accord. The age difference precludes marriage, but I could adopt you, and you could still chase girls...(sorry kitten), women, as long as you post about it.

catlick said...

/// ///

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

BTW, my doctor has advised that I have strained my brain and I need to lie down with a cold gin & tonic pressed to the temples.

Anybody up to do PSF?

Pepsi said...

160+ posts, congratulations to all.

Do I get an invite to the awards ceremony?

I reckon I can get Brynne Gordon to lend me that dress.

Though I still want to know where I can find the orgy club ?

squib said...

I can do PSF, Ramon. If no one else is keen

I believe in ghosts. Quantum physics allows for all kinds of weird stuff, like way more weird than God. Does that make me all doolally in the head then?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You're a gem, Squib.

Sorry about all the "giant Squib" stuff.

squib said...

I have thicker skin than that (and the ability to change colour and blend into a reef)

Perseus said...

"If the boy runs out of his 5 year deadline Pers, I'm yours!"

How long to go, and should I start on the invite list?

Is Greek Islands okay for the honeymoon?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

the ability to change colour and blend into a reef


Loose Shunter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Loose Shunter said...

Fantastic work everyone - 166 comments (167 if you count my deleted one). The Honours and Awards Committee has approved the recommendation as a collective one and the award will be posted tonight (hopefully) when I find the file on my laptop.

Two issues: Can we collectively write a citation stating the circumstances under which the award was collectively earned?, and;
Is there a way to post the award on the front page of TSFKA?

Congratulations, this thread has now earned a 'Kingotis Memorial Award' (not a posthumous one either)!

Puss In Boots said...

Pers, you have 2 years to wait, but the Greek islands sound perfect!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Allow to point out the drawback to this otherwise charming alliance.

Pers - you're desperate for offspring, yes?

Puss - you'd rather have your head stapled to an iron than have children, yes?

I trust you see my point.

Perseus said...

I think you'll find, Ramon, that Puss may agree to have one sprog, but there are strict conditions regarding its upbringing. For instance, it has to be called 'Neville' and grow up to be a car mechanic. Even if its a girl. And I have to do school canteen duty. I will agree to these conditions.

Puss In Boots said...

Ramon and Pers, you're both right. I *would* rather have my head stapled to an iron than have children, but I also would agree to have them under certain conditions.

And Neville is such a pretty name, don't you think?

Anonymous said...

the award will be posted tonight (hopefully) when I find the file on my laptop.

Wait, this is going to be old, recycled MS Paint art and not something new and distinctly representative of the article?


Perseus said...

But Alex, this is an esteemed, historical trophy, dating back years and years (well, about 4 years anyway). I for one would prefer the post wins a trophy with a bit of history in it.

Perseus said...

Actually, does anyone have a copy of the original trophy winning post by Kingotis? From memory, it was a short entry at TSSH that said something about the students from St. Joseph's being a little rude on the tram, and it went nuts from there. What was it? 600 comments? Including at least five trolls from St. Joseph's and a nutter called 'Doull'.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Neville always reminds me of this bloke.

Puss In Boots said...

That's a much better option than our family friend, well known for catching gonorrhea.

squib said...

And Neville is such a pretty name, don't you think?

The poor child will get called Breville

Loose Shunter said...


Luckily for all of us I do. As the inaugural awardee of said decoration, I kept a copy of the fantastic MS Paint file for my personal gratification.

Thanks to those nuff-nuffs at 'Teamlulz', the Pandora archive of TSSH is locked down, so I can't get the exact post count of the infamous 'St Joe's boys on the 55 tram' or relive the memories of Mr Doull's meltodown and all of the other contributions that turned a fairly innocuous post into (for a brief moment) something I think most of us who were there would agree was very, very, special.

Hence, I think the 'Weekend Wrap' thread is a worthy successor and heir to the inaugural KO award.


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

More than 700 comments in that post I think, LS.

Many of them almost lucid.

Loose Shunter said...


Thank you for the aide-memoire. Now back to the exciting stuff. It's only two days to the weekend and the next installment.

In the meantime (and to push the reply count to over 200), could Perseus' desire for children and Puss In Boots' equal, but opposite desire to avoid having children be reconciled by using any one of:
Suicide Girl;
Mormon Girl;
Miss Flatmate, or;
The Horse
as the surrogate 'chosen vessel' to carry the 46 combined chromosomes of Perseus and Puss In Boots?

Then having had the child born of a surrogate woman, send the child off to boarding school immediately and then being presented sometime in 2028 with a grown teenager who can be taken down the pub for ciggies and beer and drive the drunken parents home.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Mormon Girl

Because she could have a special, special relationship with Perseus, without having to see his dick.

Perseus said...

Don't give Puss ideas about surrogates. She may use it as an excuse to get out of having sex with me.

Mormon did have good child-bearing hips though.

patchouligirl said...

It sounds to me Perseus that you are at least loosening the criteria a bit. I remember not too long ago you were ruling out agnostics. I found the problem is the older you get, the "good" ones become taken and the ones that are left have more and more baggage simply because they've lived longer to accumulate it. Yeah, if the Mormon is too God-fearing that wont work I agree but its not a bad idea to be a bit open minded and give people a chance.

Ramon I think you may be speaking too soon, 200 isn't that far off!

BTW Off topic, I was told yesterday that my gt gt grandfather was a founding member of the ALP. I'll have to see if theres a record somewhere.

Perseus said...

I should have pointed out PG that for me to date a religious person or even an agnostic, they'd have to be so good looking that other women faint when she walks in a room. And wealthy. And called 'Natalie Portman'.

Suicide Girl is a tantalising option though. She's pretty good looking, and an atheist.

It's true to say that I would go out with an average looking atheist well before I'd go out with a very very good looking religious person.

patchouligirl said...

Well theres no risk then. Any woman that good looking would likely already have 3 kids and be married to a high roller.

Anonymous said...

But Alex, this is an esteemed, historical trophy, dating back years and years (well, about 4 years anyway). I for one would prefer the post wins a trophy with a bit of history in it.

Ok. Fair enough. But seriously, I can't be the only one who wants to see some weekend-wrap-love-gumby-giant-squid/squib related artwork. Am I?

Thanks to those nuff-nuffs at 'Teamlulz', the Pandora archive of TSSH is locked down

There must be a million treasures locked up in that TSSH Pandora archive. I read the posts on the site for almost a year before I started looking at the comments. Shit I missed out on a lot.

Loose Shunter said...


I hope your dream of specially commissioned MS Paint artwork has come true.

All the rest of you,

Fire up! 12 more posts to top 200 and break a barrier. Where's Kitten when you need her? Come back, we were laughing with you, not at you!!!!

Anonymous said...

It was great LS, a true masterpiece. Obscuring the identity of the tattoo, the severed head and the horse was an especially fine touch. Are Perseus's genitals pixelated or is it just a tiny, blurry photo? A matter for individual interpretation perhaps?

Congrats on getting married too, by the way.

Anonymous said...

Are Perseus's genitals pixelated or is it just a tiny, blurry photo?

No. After failing to hook up with the horse girl, Perseus tried it on with a giant female squid.

Mr E Discharge said...

Perseus tried it on with a giant female squid.

When will Giant Squid wake up to the fact that it's the "little snacks" they have throughout the day that really makes them stack on the pounds?

Mr E Discharge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr E Discharge said...

and a follow up question if I may.............

Don't Female Giant Squid realise that being so big makes them a bad mother?

*If Tealou stops by, that question should get us up to 400 posts.

Perseus said...

Now that brings back great memories Mr. E. Tealou and her "There is nothing I can do about being fat" tirades. They went for weeks, months. Awesome.

Puss In Boots said...

There are some people in the world who do have legitimate health issues that make them fat. Just saying...

I don't know what Tea's story is, and I never got into that fight between her and Skel, but maybe she is one of them?

Having said that, I don't know the details, so I could be talking out of my arse.