I haven't posted anything for a little while. Largely because, right now, I have nothing to say. I seem to go through periods of complete and utter stagnation, where I am creatively bankrupt, my thought processes are abuzz with swarms of flies and I suffer writer's block. Not just here at the superior blog site know as TSFKA , but at my work where I'm required to churn out inspired proposals and stimulating scripts. As well as contribute clever witticisms, sharp retorts and shrewd observations to the bemusement and chagrin of those around me.
Nothing interests me in these periods. Not sport, politics, movies, music. Not even the alleged gender of contributors and commentators on this blog. It's not a depression thing, but rather a simple lack of motivation. It's more like a sluggish lethargy. Laziness perhaps. I'll get over it. I always do. Maybe I'll contribute four posts next week, each more breathtaking than the last. Or maybe the week after.
Posts
99 comments:
would it help if we told you stories?
one time at a place I was temping there were some issues with toilet hygiene and the manager organised a stack out, person to hid in the meeting room opposite and peak through the window and go check the loos after use, to catch the perpetrator.
But the rank and file mutinied after agreeing to spy, cause the manager was charismatic and a little scary woman, just didn't show for their assigned post as rostered.
Things seemed to clear up after that though.
Once I was on a plane and it took off and the cabin crew weren't ready. The steward ran across the cabin sideways and into the little kitchenette where they slide the meal trays into the warmers, or out of the warmers, yelling FFFFUUUCCCCKKK!
Once I got offered a thousand dollars for sex.
Once I sprained an ankle while wearing Baby Spice platform runners.
Nice idea. I hereby challenge myself to write a story based on all the comments following this post.
Once I got offered a thousand dollars for sex.
Did you say yes, Melba? Sounds awfully tempting to me.
one time at a place I was temping there were some issues with toilet hygiene
I understand that you're trying to be polite and spare us the grotty details, but this reminds me of a conversation I once had with a janitor. She told me that she preferred cleaning the men's toilets, because even though blokes get piss everywhere, some women try to hover above the bowl and end up spraying shit over everything.
Hope that gave you some inspiration, Bob.
Alex, that is disgusting.
Melba, I can beat that. I was once offered $10,000 for sex by a television personality at the club I worked at. I said no, because I was all moral and what not. Now I think back, he probably wouldn't have paid me even if I had said yes. So smart choice, I think.
And to add to Bob's story: I once ate carrot-flavoured termites (in Mexico).
I once performed a strip show at a hens night, for 40 quid and 2 free pints.
I took part in the Spencer Tunic nude photo shoot in Melbourne and was paid nothing.
I did get a free copy of the photo, tho'.
I walked (possibly even strutted cause I thought my outfit was particularly cute that day) five blocks to work in City Central Brisbane only to find out that I had a gapping rip in my dress over my arse showing my old daggy underwear.
I got proposed to by a pilot in Far East Turkey near Mt Ararat. I'd known him oh about four hours.
This is starting to feel like Ms Fits' confessions pages except IT'S NOT ANONYMOUS.
Sounds like this will be a Robert Altman plot.
Ramon, any chance of posting that photo and circling your arse?
I think Lewd Bob is hot.
I was once abused by Peter "Where's the cheese?" Russell-Clark. I was 19. I gave him advice on his delivery during rehearsals, and his response was along the lines of: "If I want you're fucking opinion on fucking anything I'll fucking well ask for it but for now keep your fucking mouth shut."
I once did a celebration dance around the house when Peter Russell-Clark went bankrupt.
Here's a bit of a laugh which confirms Perseus's allusion to PRC's foul mouth.
And I've always preferred Pepsi to Coke. Especially when said drink has such great taste in music.
People always accuse me of being an ice queen and saying I don't show emotion.
I cry when watching anything remotely heart-strings-pulling on TV or in the movies. I ended up with a migraine after watching The Notebook, I cried that much.
I bet you watched Atavar as well, Puss.
Hi, Melba!
I did indeed. But only for the technology. The plot was lacking.
I once dated a guy who had been in prison because he'd been (wrongly) accused of trying to assassinate some prince
Did you blub, Puss?
Of course! I cry at the most ridiculous things, as long as it's on a screen of some sort.
I once cried in a Kleenex commercial. The little fluffy duck just got to me.
You mean the one with the little boy and the ducklings?
Rumour was that they had to have a series of ducklings on hand because said little boy got a little enthusiastic and snapped their widdle necks while patting them.
No Witchie, I was the bloke muttering "fuck I'm cold".
I once stole a giant roadworks witches hat & dragged it all the way home.
And, yes, I was drunk at the time. It was years ago. I also managed to carry my goon bag at the same time. It was actually quite handy because you just put the goon bag INSIDE the witches hat, people. Man I was a genius when I was a drunken eighteen year old.
Also, I once let a dude whose parents were contestants on Sale of the Century touch my boobies. It was the same year as the witches hat incident, but I wasn't drunk that time.
I watched Avatar for a second time and still got something out of it. But like Puss, that something was "the detail".
I also improved a semi-naked gay Judas at a theater cast party once and split the company into two ideological factions in support and opposition of my censure. In successive months this fracture caused infighting that ran the company into dissolution.
All because I though leg humping Jesus on the cross like a dog was wildly hilarious, as a 16 year old atheist will.
And by improved, I mean improvised.
What?! That's awful! Poor duckies!
Once I was a ball-girl at the Federation Cup at Kooyong.
I once stole a giant roadworks witches hat & dragged it all the way home.
For the love of Gravy, EMS, why?
You mean you never stole roadworks when you were a drunken teenager, Ramon?
The Flying Doctors once shot a scene on my parents farm. I got to meet Gary Sweet.
Well, no Alex.
You have?
Status Quo played in my tiny country town once. I have no idea why.
During a stop-off, I tipped a bottle of water all over the seat of a South American boy because he wouldn't move his seat forward on a bus tour of the Blue Mountains. I was pregnant at the time
I thought everyone had, Ramon. I vaguely remember trying to steal something once (a barricade perhaps) that was so heavy, it caused the tally to shatter in my hand.
I score shockingly low in the "drunken japes" measure, Alex.
You're lucky, Ramon. They're generally not the sort of things you feel proud of as you get older.
In 1994 I shared a flat in St Kilda with a bogan dickhead (incidentally, next door to Ramon's favourite singer Paul Kelly).
After a few months living together we had 2 fire hydrant covers (handy bar stools), a barricade, several witches' hats and 3 pulsing lights. They flashed for a full month in our loungeroom before the batteries ran out.
Proud? No. Fun at the time? Hell yeah.
Ramon, I bet I have way less japes under my belt than you.
In fact, the only thing I ever did whilst drinking was make out with a guy I thought was hot, only to discover on our next date he was completely hideous. I stayed with him for a month anyway, because I felt so shallow.
Well, you've certainly got a wealth of material for your next posts now, Bob.
It depends how you define 'wealth'.
I voted Labor (not Green) at the last state election
I'm not sure I can bring myself to vote for the Brumby shambles. I don't know what to do.
It couldn't be worse than the Labor Government NSW has. 2011 can't come quick enough.
This was way back when Rolf Harris was touring Unis around the UK during the "Stairway to Heaven' cover debarcle. He was performing the forementioned cover at a B&S Ball in Battersea. My cue was when he sang "and all of our live are misgiven" he'd call for Miss Given (geddit) and I was to saunter onto the stage and hand him his wobble board and take the didge off him. I had mates in the audience so I played on that and as he handed me the didge I grabbed him and snogged him.. a fake snog/pash ie no tongue but it certainly looked authentic. He was dumbfounded afterwards and my then fiance was backstage agast. Needless to say Rolf and his manager (my mate) bought me a bottle of Bubbles and Rolf thanks me for improving his cred within the band.
Oh and whilst living in Lodnon my flatmate and I regularly nicked an assortment of pint glasses and cutlery from many of its finer pubs to use at home. You could here it all rattling in variopus backpacks as we spilled out onto the footpath after last call. Funny but it seemed most Antipodean households in London at the time all had the same dinnerware in their cupboards.
I can only imagine the difference between the Spencer Tunic nude shoot in Melbourne to the one in Sydney would've been the temperature which would explain the shrinkage situation.
I thought Squib was a dude also. Got to pay more attention.
I voted Labor (not Green) at the last state election as well.
Oh, wait.
That's probably not that surprising.
I've always voted for the Democrats. I have no idea what to do now. Hopefully Phil Cleary will run as an independent again.
I hope Phil Cleary runs again too.
I need a good belly laugh.
Don't you knock Phil.
Your buddies at the ALP had to re-draw boundaries for the seat of Wills to get rid of him, you cheats.
*
Reminds me of my favourite Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen quote.
"There is no gerrymander in Queensland. Besides, Labour brought it in."
Labor. Not, Labour.
FUCK.
I hate it when other people do that, now I've done it.
And here was me thinking Phil got the arse because people finally twigged he was a useless self promoter.
Ramon, your educational and unbiased insights into federal politics have long been a highlight for me. What are the chances that you could give a run-down on the current state of the states?
Unbiased?
Me?
Everybody here knows I'm a Labor Party hack.
BTW, like the atavar, Alex.
That should clear up any lingering confusion.
Homesick snogged Rolf. Oh my godfather
No one can beat that, no way
That was my ham-fisted attempt at cajolement, Ramon.
BTW, like the atavar, Alex.
That should clear up any lingering confusion.
One can only hope.
By the way, that's the second time I've noticed you use the word "atavar". A 2000AD reference or a subtle protest against the current success of James Cameron, perhaps?
An atavar Alex, in it's original theological sense, is a living embodiment of a god but has come to mean any symbolic representation of a person.
a run-down on the current state of the states
Do you mean a run-down of what is happening in the three states that are having elections this year?
And I can't believe somebody here thought Squib was a bloke!
An atavar Alex, in it's original theological sense, is a living embodiment of a god but has come to mean any symbolic representation of a person.
So, all this time, I've been mixing up the positions of the "v" and the "t". Colour me embarrassed.
Do you mean a run-down of what is happening in the three states that are having elections this year?
Pretty much. Although you could comment on the general performance of the governments and oppositions across all the states. Y'know, if ya wanted to.
And I can't believe somebody here thought Squib was a bloke!
Obviously her atavar just isn't cutting it.
Actually Alex, I think I'm the one that's ballsed that one up.
I might write something after PSF.
And yeah - lift yer game, Squib.
Actually Alex, I think I'm the one that's ballsed that one up.
The first time, I thought it was a typo. The second time, I thought you were making a statement.
I might write something after PSF.
Well, now you can colour me excited!
I once stole a giant roadworks witches hat & dragged it all the way home.
For the love of Gravy, EMS, why?
I dunno. It was looking at me funny.
I thought it'd find a much better home at the residential college I was living at.
The best stolen present I ever got that year was when a group of fellow residents went on a fishing trip & found a town sign that featured my last name. I was having a quiet beer at a party with my mates, when in they rocked with this massive sign saying: "Here, we brought you back something from our fishing trip." I had to carry that fucker around all evening. And you know what? They're heavy.
Then there was one of our pub crawls where I got home in the wee early hours of the morning, got undressed to find, upon taking off my jacket that someone had plonked a whole heap of steak knives in the pockets. I don't recall seeing one steak knife during the whole evening, until I got home, of course.
We used to go around on our pub crawls saying we were from the Rosny Children's Choir, but stopped because that got us into some legal trouble.
Does anybody else find it amusing that a post about nothing has attracted 63 comments thus far?
I'd say it's fairly reflective of the way things tend to operate around here. A lot of the meat seems to lie in the discussion that follows the posts, rather than the posts themselves. In some respects, it feels more like a forum than a conventional blog.
Well, tonight is night 7 with Ponygirl, which is the last night of this visit.
Instalment to come tomorrow. Prepare to be amazed, shocked, transfixed, or in Boogeyman's case, prepare to call in the police.
Though nothing is more amazing than Alex's gender reveal this week. This will take me weeks to come to grips with.
Then I'll probably ask her, how you doin'?
Right-so, Pers.
I'll put PSF on hold.
I'll put PSF on hold.
I suppose I'll put my excitement over the political report thingy on the back-burner, too.
This will take me weeks to come to grips with.
Then I'll probably ask her, how you doin'?
Well, that's probably an indication of how things are going with Ponygirl, right there.
Besides, isn't Puss your default back-up?
Oh, I'll still do the political report thingy.
isn't Puss your default back-up?
Catfight!!
No no - do PSF. Two posts in one day is all okay with me.
Alex - Puss is my internet-only girlfriend, and it's rock solid.
Oh, I'll still do the political report thingy.
You're the best, Ramon.
Alex - Puss is my internet-only girlfriend, and it's rock solid.
Well, I certainly wouldn't want to get in the middle of that then.
I'm just loving girl-Alex.
It's made a pretty crappy week much better.
Not that boy-Alex would have been bad. Not at all.
Oh and once I found a pillow-sized bag of dope in our backyard. I now have a receipt from the cops which says:
1 x bag "marijuana."
Those quotation marks annoyed me more than you can imagine.
He knew, and I fucking knew he knew what it was.
I'll bet the person who owned the dope was kicking themselves.
I'm just loving girl-Alex.
It's made a pretty crappy week much better.
Not that boy-Alex would have been bad.
I'm not sure what difference it makes. I'm still spouting the same old rubbish as before.
Sorry to hear you've had a bad week, though. Is there something you'd like to get off your chest? A thread about nothing seems like the perfect place for a rant.
Yep, Pers and I are going strong. But I'd say neither of us would say no to a menage-a-trois!
Speaking of French, I seriously suck at pronunciation. I can't get the knack of the 'r'. Take 'le droit' for instance - whenever I attempt that, I just sound like I have a speech impediment. Give me Spanish any day!
I don't speak any cool exotic languages, but I've been told that I've got an unusual knack for nailing accents and pronunciation when parroting. Not that that's useful in any way. It might just be something people say to be nice, too.
Also, I'm sure I've pulled this out before, but...my favourite quote on threesomes comes from Jeff from Coupling, who said something along the lines of:
Think of the advantages of having sex with two women at the same time. They can't both fall asleep, and if one of them gets angry and leaves, you've still got one left.
Aside from this "spare tyre" logic though, I personally don't see the appeal.
Alex, atavism is a regression to primitive characteristics, so perhaps Ramon's 'atavar' is a symbolic representation of his inner animal.
Well, tonight is night 7 with Ponygirl, which is the last night of this visit.
Instalment to come tomorrow. Prepare to be amazed, shocked, transfixed, or in Boogeyman's case, prepare to call in the police.
I'm preparing to call Dr Phil...
Me: "Hi Dr Phil, I know this guy who turns into a whiny bitch groveling for sex every time his ex-temporary-squeeze is in town. What should I do?"
Dr Phil: "Buy your friend a set of cajones and tell him to HTFU."
Alex, there are generally more bad/awkward ones than there are good ones. They have the potential for super disasters, instead of just the normal disappointment that can come with a two-some.
I once walked into Knox Police Station carrying a .22 rifle
Well, that's a bit of a conversation stopper.
What a wonderful image, Mum shooting the break and enter guy and hitting him! That would be great on film Bob.
If I found a pillow sized bag of pot on my front lawn I would probably consider other options before I rang the cops. Depending on the quality of course.
The 'post about nothing' title reminded me of the 'show about nothing' episode of Seinfeld. Anyway a chat free of topic restraints has brought out some great tales and I think we do all just like a chat and there's nothing wrong with that.
Yes, Hackshaw v Shaw put a stop to that, Witchie.
a chat free of topic restraints has brought out some great tales
Thank you all for using my suffering for personal reflection.
Bastards! And Bitches!
Oh, and Alex.
Witchy, All I can think of is how lucky that bloke was that your mum didn't pick up a shotty instead.
For Lewd Bob
I'm tryin'
I'm tryin'
I'm tryin'
I'm tryin'
I'm tryin'
I'm tryin'
I'm tryin' and I'll try!
Pepsi xoxox
Control yourself Bob.
You two are only united by your mutual desire to have sex with Malkmus.
I wasn't having a go at your mum, Witchy. I was just thinking that there are worse things you can be shot with than a .22. If he'd broken into our house, back in the day, he probably would've been lucky to make it as far as the hospital.
Hackshaw v Shaw established there was a duty of care owed by an occupier of a property to anyone on that property. That case was where a farmer noticed someone was stealing his fuel, so he camped out overnight to find the culprit. Someone drove up the driveway with their lights off, got out of the car and started to steal the petrol. Shaw (the farmer) shot his gun into the side of the car (ie, to miss the thief, but give a scare). He didn't realise Hackshaw was sitting in the car (she had her head down and was hiding), and the bullet went through the door and hit her leg.
Obviously, Shaw denied he had a duty of care on the basis they were trespassing. But the courts decided even trespassers were owed a duty of care, so Shaw (or his insurance) had to pay up.
So yeah. It's obviously still illegal to shoot people (as it always was), but you now owe a duty of care to any trespasser on your property, such that if the danger was forseeable (as in, if they climb onto your patio awning, and it's decrepit and you know it, and they fall through and break their legs), you owe them a duty of care and will likely be found to have breached that duty and they can sue you for negligence.
Let's hear it for Friday Legal Corner! Woot! Woot!
Puss,
Do Law firms like Slater & Gordon and Maurice Blackburn have some sort of Shrine dedicated to Ms Hackshaw in their offices or an annual celebration of some kind?
Hang on, it wasn't a state election, it was a state by-election for the seat of freo
They probably do, Mr E. Although the overhaul of the public liability sector via the Civil Liability Act really hurt them. You actually have to quantify damages now and show real evidence. You can't just claim some arbitrary sum for damages. People with a small injury basically get nothing. So those ambulance chasers have to really think about what cases they take on. Plus, they're not allowed to advertise "no win, no fee" anymore.
WitchOne, I agree with it on some level. Not for burglars and what not, but for other situations. Although when you put forward the argument, "they shouldn't have been there in the first place" it does seem stupid. But then, workers compensation laws seemed stupid when they were first proposed, too. Employees used to have to accept the risks of the job and if they were injured, it was no fault of the employer's (even if they had unsafe practices). All medical and other costs were borne by the employee.
So yeah, I can see why it seems weird to have such a law, but I can also see the sense of it in some cases.
You two are only united by your mutual desire to have sex with Malkmus
And Jeff Tweedy.
Oh, and and maybe Will Oldham although he is really ugly.
Tweedy, Malkmus and Lewd Bob.
Thats my kind of heaven.
Interestingly, that rifle was used by my mother 31 years ago to shoot a guy breaking into our house in Hampton. He had to go to hospital, Mum aimed for his leg and got it. That was back in the days you could shoot people and apparently not go to gaol.
Oh! I have a gun story! My dad once caught some people rabbit shooting on our farm. They hadn't asked permission & just happened to be shooting in a paddock next to where our dairy cows were. Dad went up there, I remember he had us kids with us, found their car, took a rifle from the backseat & drove back to the house hell for leather. Christ knows where mum was, she wouldn't have let us go with him if she'd been there.
Anyway, dad's not a fan of guns (back in the day one of his friends accidentally got shot and died when they were rabbit hunting), so he just had it (unloaded, of course) behind the back door. Amazingly enough, none of us went near it, even though we were little shits as kids & you'd think that'd be the first thing we'd be all over, but knowing the story about dad's friend we didn't dare touch it. I think he did use it once, we had a cow that was dying & had to be put out of its misery. Normally, he'd get the vet to do it, but the vet couldn't get out to our property quickly enough. Poor animal, it was horrible. Dad hated doing it.
Then years later, there was the whole Martin Bryant thing, and the gun laws changed & people had to either hand in their weapons or register them. Dad decided he didn't want it in the house anymore, so took it into the cop shop. I don't know if he carried it in a blanket though.
And that's my gun story. The end.
I hope, Bob, that you really do weave all of these stories of ours into one gargantuan post. And when you do post it, I'll consider it my leaving-the-country present (9 days & counting).
people had to either hand in their weapons or register them.
Or bury them, I guess.
Hey, EMS, being from a dairy farm, did you ever have to cut a cow open to relieve bloat?
Well, not me personally, but yeah, that happened sometimes. We used to give them salt licks to try and avoid the whole "Oooh, I'm a cow, I've eaten too much clover ... I'm going to blow up ... POW!" scenario. And mostly the salt licks work. When the cows actually lick the salt licks. If they don't, then they blow up. And that's messy.
Also, we used to have to de-horn the cows. I remember once, my dad & the vet were doing that to our herd & I had a friend over. I didn't know her very well, I met her at high school & she had a sleepover at our place.
Anyway, we were riding our bikes around the farm & every time we rode past the dairy, dad would grab a bunch of bloody, meaty, cow horns & lob them at us as we tried to ride past.
Needless to say, she never came to another sleepover at my house.
Sigh.
Some people just don't appreciate farm humour, EMS. Pity.
True, Alex. True.
The thing is, I thought it'd be ok, because she told me she was brought up on a farm as well. I think they'd moved away from the rural side of town for quite a while though, and that (apparently) made all the difference.
It turns out, she hated the experience so much* that when we were in Year 9, she befriended me again, & I told her who I had a crush on (stupid, trusting me). One lunchtime, she told my crush I had the hots for him, she came back to us & said he wanted to go out with me.
What I didn't know was that, she told him I had the hots for him, and he said I was a big dag & there was no way he'd even glance sideways at me, even if I was on fire (or close enough to those words).
We all had English class after lunch, & I thought he was going out with me, then he ignored me. Then, he bagged me out with his friends. Because I was such a dag.
Yunno, not that I think about it all that much anymore.
Sigh.
Bloody dad & those bloody cow horns.
*Or she just hated me, who knows?
Sounds like a pretty petty reason to do something like that. Maybe she was just mean. I hear teenage girls can be that way, y'know.
Sounds like a pretty petty reason to do something like that. Maybe she was just mean. I hear teenage girls can be that way, y'know.
Yeah, as it happens, she was a bit of a bitch. But no-one bothered to tell be about that beforehand. Sheesh. Teenage girls are freaking awful. I'm so glad I'm not one anymore.
(you know the SES HQ just under the bridge on the eastern shore EMS?)
I didn't know that's where it was! Is it still there?
You were involved in the Port Arthur stuff? That's horrid. Don't know how you'd get through something like that. I think everyone involved still suffers because of it.
Doesn't surprise me though to hear of people burying their guns afterwards. A mate of mine used to go sports shooting every now & then, but had previously suffered from depression. He'd convinced himself that the coppers wouldn't give him a gun licence because of that. He reckoned they wouldn't let him have his gun if he answered the psychological questionnaire truthfully. I reckon he doesn't need it anyway - and if you asked him now, he'd say he doesn't give a shit whether he's able to go sports shooting or not. He's sorted out his psychological issues & doesn't have access to a semi-automatic weapon. Win, win if you ask me.
Seriously, who really needs access to semi-automatic weapons in the general community? Nobody, I reckon.
who really needs access to semi-automatic weapons in the general community?
People who shoot animals for a living?
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