Monday, November 1, 2010

Eastern Snake-Necked Turtles

Avoid these filthy fuckers at all costs

Driving through driving rain out of Mansfield towards Jamieson on Saturday afternoon, I was forced to veer out of the way of some sort of slow moving animal life form nonchalantly crossing the road. Realising it was a member of the usually fairly innocuous turtle family, I swung the car around and pulled over next to it, in order to help it avoid an untimely and messy demise at the hands and tyres of a speeding fool in a pick-up.

I hurried over to the turtle - an Eastern Snake-Necked Turtle as it turns out - as it quietly removed its head, legs and tail from view by, as you might've guessed, withdrawing into its shell. I picked it up, peered inside (noticing it had closed its eyes in a clever attempt to overcome the perceived danger), and placed it in long grass as far from the road as I could without scaling the fence of the adjacent farm. As I began walking back to where I'd parked, somewhat satisfied with the outcome, I became increasingly aware of a terrible smell, which seemed to gain intensity as I approached the car.

"What the fuck is that smell?" asked the Missus as I seated myself in the car.

"I don't know," I confessed, wondering where it was coming from.

"Oh Jesus Christ, that's disgusting!"

"What is that smell?" asked the kid, screwing up his nose in the back seat. "That's disgusting!"

"I know! I don't know what it is!" I protested, bringing my hands to my nose in order to sniff them, on the increasing suspicion that the smell was somehow related to the turtle.

"Oh Jesus Christ!" I screamed, aghast. "It's all over my hands! It was the fucking turtle!"

"Really?"

"Oh, that little fucker! He must've crawled through sewerage or something."

"Well you can't stay in the car like that!"

I jumped out of the car and wiped my hands on the long wet grass by the side of the road. Predictably, it achieved nothing. So I was politely asked to ride in the car with my hands protruding from the front window which made it pretty difficult to drive. Once we reached our destination it took several hours of scrubbing with various soaps, detergents and antiseptics to rid myself of that diabolical odour.

Once I was satisfied I no longer smelled like a bucket of shit, piss and vomit that had been left in the sun for 6 months and had been infested with filthy blowfly maggots and trillions of maladorous bacteria, I did some quick research into the turtle. Here's an extract from Wikipedia:

When it feels threatened, this turtle (the Eastern or Common Snake-Necked Turtle) will emit an offensive smelling fluid from its musk glands. This trait gives the turtle one of its other common names, "stinker."

*

Here's Charlotte Gainsbourg and Beck with Heaven Can Wait:

40 comments:

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

No good deed goes unpunished.

And that's one of the funniest things you've ever written Bob.

Puss In Boots said...

Bahahaaha!

And now for some more turtle fun.

wari lasi said...

What Puss and Ramon said.

Did I miss the segue to the video clip?

wari lasi said...

That's a great clip.

Weird as hell, but great.

squib said...

Lewd, you gave me a good laugh so I am really glad you got turtled

Music videos. Who make them? The form is often better than the content

Puss In Boots said...

Completely O/T, but Squib, are you into scrapbooking/die cutting by any chance?

squib said...

Puss, am I that naff?

I can probably answer any crafty questions you have though

Puss In Boots said...

Scrapbooking/die cutting is naff? Damn - I am doomed then!

Send me an email to pussinboots06 at gmail dot com, and I will tell you what I need to know! Alex is kindly checking with her mother, too.

Alex said...

I love turtles (less so, stinky ones). I kept one of these critters as a pet when I was little. One day I found another turtle and decided mine wanted a friend. That's how I learned that not all turtles are strong swimmers.

I hope everyone wore a crinoline to work today. I'd feel like a real dill if I was the only one.

Ramon, any cursory thought on the election? Seems like it hasn't taken long to hit the gutter.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Alex, is your Avatar wearing a crinoline?

Very flash.

And too early to say anything meaningful yet about the Victorian state election.

Maybe we could have a regular "Ask Squib" section.

Alex said...

Alex, is your Avatar wearing a crinoline?

I'm impressed you could tell, Ramon.

Oh, and...

Song: 8
Video: 9
Turtle riding kitten: 10

Melba said...

So kind of like a skunk-turtle, Bob?

And bugger I forgot to wear my crinoline today. I'll wear it tomorrow.

Lewd Bob said...

Yeah I bin turtled. And that kitten sure know how to ride a tortoise.

kind of like a skunk-turtle

My thoughts precisely. I'm calling for all animals to attend some sort of adult eduction class to teach them when humans are being nice to them. It would avoid all sorts of misunderstandings resulting in bites, scratches and emissions of foul odours.

squib said...

Maybe we could have a regular "Ask Squib" section.

Well I do know everything

Lewd Bob said...

Dear Squib,
Why do people care so much about cars?
Regards,
Confused, Windsor.

Alex said...

Dear Squib,

Where did the little plastic bits from the legs of my table get to?

Puss In Boots said...

Dear Squib,

Why does the ANZ logo look like a person doing the "I don't know" gesture?

patchouligirl said...

Dear Squib,

Which candidate is worthy of my vote in the upcoming NSW election?

Like the video clip more than the song. Thanks for the heads up on the turtles, will remember to pick them up using a towel from now on.

wari lasi said...

Dear Squib,

Who will win the Melbourne Cup today?

Thank you,

Desperate to Win

squib said...

Dear Windsor, some people say it's only a lump of metal and you can't take it with you when you go but they are in fact wrong. Charon now takes cars to the underworld (I know I want City Safety and a Blind Spot Information System when I cross over) and his ferry is also now equipped with a snacks bar and souvenir shop

Dear Alex, you ate them. You thought they were pretzels

Dear Puss, they don't know where they put your money

Dear Patch, Keneally is a good solid Irish name

Dear Wari, so you think I would know that? You must be some kind of Americain descarado in a shoot out. Hiding the winner in a cryptic answer (using a code based on the Pythagorean theorem) would be setting a shocking precedence. Zeus would be really pissed at me

Alex said...

Thanks, Squib. I guess that explains the indigestion, too.

Puss In Boots said...

Of course! Why didn't I think of that?!

Kettle said...

Dear Squib,

Does one sit 'in' someone's lap or 'on' someone's lap?

Stumped, Sydney.

squib said...

Dear Kettle, according to the Shorter Oxford (the last word on words)you can sit either in or on a lap. However, I can't help but feel that sitting in a lap is a bit indecent

Kettle said...

Thank you, I'm with you. Dictionaries are so permissive these days, aren't they?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Dear Squib,

Why is it every time I'm invited to a Cup Day B-B-Q I think "oooo, al fresco dining, how lovely. Nothing can go wrong with the weather.

In Melbourne.

In Spring"

Drenched, Melbourne.

wari lasi said...

Ramon. My brother lives in Parkdale and has resided in Melbourne for the last 20 years and he loves it. We had an office there (in Kew, where I picked up my fractured Yiddish) for 5 years and I have been (less so the last 10 years) a frequent visitor. I love the pubs, restaurants, sport and Melbourne people in general.

But fuck me, doesn't the weather suck.

Melba said...

Oh mighty squib. What has happened to Perseus?

squib said...

Ramon, a rhetorical question

Melba, Perseus has moved on to bigger and brighter things but you may still catch a glimpse of him on the horizon, looking north, very late at night

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

No, I really want to know.

Am I an incurable optimist or just dumb?

squib said...

You? An optimist? Hah!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Well that's me told then.

Melba said...

Thanks squib. Done in true impenetrable oracle style!

Lewd Bob said...

Nothing worse than an impenetrable oracle.

Melba said...

Not orifice Bob.

eat my shorts said...

Bob, it's posts like these that are keeping me sane right now.

Ta.

Dear Squib,

Why is there no chocolate left in my cupboard?

Disgruntled Chocoholic, North London

squib said...

Dear Disgruntled,

Rats! Your cupboard is swarming with giant swashbuckling rodents with a penchant for Terry's chocolate oranges

eat my shorts said...

Fecking rodents.

Why can't they buy their own?

Kettle said...

Why can't they buy their own?

Maybe they have trouble getting the small change out of their pockets without opposable thumbs?

Puss In Boots said...

If rats ever evolve opposable thumbs, I think we're all screwed. Likewise for cats.