Thursday, November 4, 2010

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Backs are cunts!

I have strained a muscle in my lower back* which has somewhat soured my normally sunny disposition.

The worst thing – apart from the constant, agonising pain – is that every single passing moron on the street or on public transport, after seeing me hobble past, feels compelled to pass on their own, ludicrous, pet theories.

For example.

Passing moron: “Hurt your back, eh?”

Me: “Yes”.

Passing moron: “You should see my naturopath/reki healer/spiritualist/yoga guru. My boyfriend/girlfriend/aunt/uncle/flatmate/person from the internet saw a naturopath/reki healer/spiritualist/yoga guru for their back/chest/head/dick pain and they were fixed right up.”

Me: “Thanks. I’ll chase that one right up once I can move without screaming.”

It’s just as well that I don’t have a cane – yet – as I would be sorely tempted to beat the living shite out of them with it.

*From reaching into the fridge to get a beer, if you must know**.

**There you go kids. The lesson we learn from this is alcohol is indeed bad for your health***.

***Either that or put the beer up higher.


Kettle said...

Ramon it may have been the beer that took away the usual pain-free state of your back, but happily it's beer that can restore it to you.

Jamie said...

Fuck all that faith healer shit. Good, old-fashioned drugs are the answer. Opiates are your friend

Kettle said...

Two of my dearest friends are doctors and they steadfastly refuse to prescribe Valium for me, as well as anything from the opiate family. Frankly this lessens them in my esteem considerably.

squib said...

Bring back laudanum!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Jamie, I am inordinately fond of opiates and take them frequently.

Kettle, you need new doctor friends.

Friends with more opiates and fewer scruples

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

And Squib, unhappily we no longer live in an age where one could hobble down to your local chemist and say "a pennyworth of your finest opium, my good fellow".

I dunno about laudanum though.

Tends to give you shocking constipation - which is probably why Coleridge never finished Kubla Khan.

squib said...

I thought the person from Porlock was to blame?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

That's only because Coleridge was too embarrassed to admit he never finished the poem because he was trying to do a particularly difficult poo.

Mr E Discharge said...

Coleridge was too embarrassed to admit he never finished the poem because he was trying to do a particularly difficult poo.

Now that's are the sort of cultural insight that you just don't on other sites!

Ramon, Get thee to an apothecary, ask for Mersyndol. They will offer you the OTC version, but tell them you need the one with the muscle relaxant.(It starts with a D, Doxe-something) It's on the restricted list so you will have to sign for it.

Worked for me. Two or three tablets as needed. Four and you're anybodies.


patchouligirl said...

Mr Patch has a bad back and he goes along to the Physiotherapist who, for about $40 for 15 minutes, loosens it up again and tells him to rest for a few days. Whatever they do seems to work and he has private insurance to pay for it (works out about break-even each year).

Knowing what we pay, we always wonder when we are watching cash-strapped Alan on Two and a half men how he can possibly be both a Chiropractor and poor. Maybe it's different in America.

For a cheap and easy fix, go see one of those supermarket Chinese massage places, they are pretty good.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Thanks Mr E.

I'm going back to the Doc in a couple of days if things don't get better and I'll ask him.

Patchy, I've visited my usual physio which normally does the trick but it seems more stubbon this time around.

Puss In Boots said...

Mersyndol. You just brought back memories, Mr E. After I had my teeth out (6 of 'em), they gave that stuff to me. I took one tablet, and proceeded to stare at a wall for about 3 hours. I didn't take any more after that.

I can't help you with your back problem, Ramon. I get RFNs on my neck, but they're pain treatments, not treating the source.

Lewd Bob said...

Coleridge was too embarrassed to admit he never finished the poem because he was trying to do a particularly difficult poo

Gogol went mad thanks to his attempts to "back one out" over a period of 8 weeks.

Also, his samovar wouldn't boil.

Mr E Discharge said...

I took one tablet, and proceeded to stare at a wall for about 3 hours. I didn't take any more after that.

The Drug of the Month Club gave it three stars. It's the only over the counter product to rate that highly.

Kettle said...

Is that a real club, Mr E?

Ahem, might it be something a Sydney-based thirtysomething with a little too much fondness for wine and no commonsense when it comes to sleep might benefit from joining?

Dr. Golf said...

Hey Kettle, my partner is a nervous flyer, we popped into the Sydney Rd Medical Centre and walked out with a pack of 50 in 15 minutes. Enjoy responsibly.

Kettle said...

A pack of 50, Dr G! How marvellous that they even package them that way.

So Sydney Rd Medical Centre, hey? Ahem, very good.

eat my shorts said...


Put the beer up higher (but not too high).

Why did you not consult me on this earlier?

I could have saved you a lot of trouble.

RandomGit said...

Funnily enough, my wife hurt her back 6 months ago and is still getting better.

Low grade painkillers morning and evening. Panadeine Forte to sleep. Stay off your feet, don't sit in chairs or couches. See a proper physio. None of that Chiropracter shit. A steady stream of Heat packs.

And most of all, patience.


wari lasi said...

I'm a Panadeine Forte man. And here you can get morphine from the chemist fairly easily, but it really fucks you up.

And they both stop you pooing too. I think all of those types of drugs do, don't they?

Here's hoping you feel better.

Melba said...

Hope you and your back are feeling better soon, Ramon. I had a knee for over a year, and then more recently a shoulder that's much better but still twinges.

And did anyone else see the article where on a list of most dangerous drugs alcohol came in at number 1 with an idex of 77 (or something, out of 100) and heroin numnber 2 at 55?

I'm not sure whether to feel pleased or worried.

Mr E Discharge said...

Is that a real club, Mr E?

It was, but alas it is no more. We started it as a staff bonding exercise/incentive program. Fine at the outset but got out of control real fast.

For anyone organising a staff Xmas do, avoid the combination of Ketamine and Nitrous Oxide gas. Nuff said.

Kettle said...

Ah Mr E, 'incentive program' - genius. What a motivator!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...


The Doc has given me a week off work, stronger painkillers and valium.


She also warned me it would make me "vague and dis-orientated".

So, no changes there.

Mr E Discharge said...

Sickies are more fun when you're healthy.

That said, an excellent outcome.

Looking foward to some pure "stream of consciousness*" posts over the coming days.