Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Dfat List


Somalian locals out duck shooting


The Australian Department for Foreign Affairs and Trade advises against travel to the following countries:

Afghanistan
due to the unpredictable security situation and threat of terrorist attack

Bahrain
due to the unpredictable security situation and threat of terrorist attack

Burundi
due to high levels of serious crime, possible civil unrest and risk of terrorist attack...risk of armed violence, banditry, kidnapping and cross-border attacks by rebels

Central African Republic
due to the activities of rebel groups, poachers, rogue security and military forces, and high levels of serious crime and lawlessness

Chad
due to the volatile security situation, ongoing civil unrest and the threat of terrorism

Ivory Coast
due to the extremely volatile security environment and the escalating violence as a result of the disputed Presidential election

Guinea
due to the volatile security situation

Iraq
due to the extremely dangerous security situation and very high threat of terrorist attack

Libya
due to ongoing military operations and very dangerous security situation

Niger
due to the very high threat of kidnapping, the unpredictable political and security situation, the risk of armed banditry and clashes between Niger’s security forces and armed groups

Somalia
due to the intensification of armed conflict, the ongoing very high threat of terrorist attack against Western interests and dangerous levels of violent crime, including kidnapping

Sudan
due to the extremely dangerous security situation, the risk of armed conflict, high level of violent crime and the high threat of terrorist attack

Yemen
due to the ongoing deterioration in the security situation and continuing violent clashes


It's a dangerous world we live in. My advice to all people living in all countries everywhere is to just do what the government says. Don't argue, don't contradict, do smile when you see a government official, especially if he carries a gun, don't be a different colour, religion or football team to the president, don't be gay and, as a general rule, don't ask for too much (meagre portions of rice are full of nutrients and dirty water still contains water).

*

I would like to add to the list:

India
due to the very high risk of getting the runs

Thailand
due to the impossibility of finding good bread

Germany
due to the high number of people refusing to speak English

China
due to the high likely development of lung cancer

New Zealand
due to the highly unlikely outcome of finding quality beer

30 comments:

squib said...

Ceduna is not on there?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You really didn't have a fun time in Ceduna, did you Squib?

squib said...

I hate that place! I had to spend Christmas there as a kid cos our car broke down and the guy who fixed our car stole my Christmas money from my bag. Even though it was really, really hot, he was wearing a beanie. Dodgy!

Alex said...

You should try going out on the turps there sometime, Squib. I support this inclusion.

Bob, what's the status on Thailand and Kiwiland for someone who consumes neither bread nor beer?

patchouligirl said...

Not a country but I would like to add Tasmania. Too much road kill, too little good coffee.

Puss In Boots said...

Germany's on there because people don't speak English?! Ok...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Oooh, now you've done it Patchie!

EMS is going to go all postal on your arse.

Lewd Bob said...

Alex, Thailand is fine for non-bread consumers, likewise for New Zealand and beer. Although it defies belief that anybody would be a non-beer consumer.

I think in this instance, Ramon, you need to spell it 'ass', as I can only hear that statement in an American accent.

And the German thing, Puss. A little joke, and a little dig at obtuse Australians.

Alex said...

it defies belief that anybody would be a non-beer consumer.

Aye, some days I don't believe it myself. But hey, extra travel options.

in this instance, Ramon, you need to spell it 'ass'

Hmmm. A bit like opening a can of whoop-arse or breaking your foot of in someone's arse, I guess. Just doesn't seem quite right, somehow.

Now, I think I'll be elsewhere until EMS has had time to read this and cool off.

Puss In Boots said...

Oh, I just meant there were far better reasons for Germany to be on the list. Like the complete lack of soul to the place.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I do apologise.

When I said "EMS is going to go all postal on your arse" I of course meant "EMS is going to go all postal on yo ass."

"Fo'shizzle".

"Yo".

"Dawg"

Can I stop now?

Melba said...

I can't write or say ass. It alwys have to be arse, unless I am doing a hip hop battle of course.

I did compose a hip hop rhyme the other day and texted it to my daughters who then read it out to all their friends. The friends think I'm awesome the daughters think I'm an embarrassment.

Alex said...

Melba G, you oughta battle the Ray-Dawg here, home girl. That be some mad shit, knowwhati'msayin'?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Melbs, have you busted a cap in somebody's ass*?

* No, I don't know what the means, either.

Melba said...

If I knew what it was Ramon, I'd do it.

*

Here is the rhyme (note, we had recently watched 8-Mile together so I was kind of in the zone.) Note too it was a text. Glad to make it immemorial on this page, and apols to squib:

Imma hip hop mom i got it down, sum ppl thnk i sweeet i got dem beat. Ppl onna street dey look at mah feet dey say wassup? I say feel da heat.

Yo

Yo.

[sic]

Alex said...

Daym. You got it goin' on, girl.

Lewd Bob said...

That's quite good.

eat my shorts said...

New Zealand? Aw crap. I'm supposed to be going there with a school group in August. Is it possible you'll take NZ off the list by then?

too little good coffee.

Bah! You just need to know the right people (or how to bribe the right people). Next time you're heading to Tassie & want decent coffee, tell me. I'll point you in the right direction.

And, btw, it's pretty rude to bag out my home state ON MY BIRTHDAY!! This is my birthday week, no wait ... month & you all have to be nice to me (and the rest of Tasmania) or else.

Melbs: That's freaking awesome.

Lewd Bob said...

Happy Birthday EMS.

May we start bagging out Tassie again in April?

squib said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMS!! Have a milo on me with 8 tablespoons

eat my shorts said...

Thanks Bob & Squib.

Bob: No you can't. Because April is my mum's birthday month. And if that's not reason enough, how about this: She collapsed in Woollies yesterday & hit her head & she now has four stitches & it was very scary & did you know that hospitals smell? On the upside the emergency department can actually be quite entertaining on a Friday evening. So ... long story short, April is out for Tassie bashing too.

Squib: 8 tablespoons?! That's very generous, thankyouverymuchdon'tmindifIdo.

Alex said...

Jeez, EMS, is everything okay? Do you know what happened or are you in the dark?

eat my shorts said...

It's been pretty shit. We're not really sure what's caused it. We have one idea for a possible cause that's not a horribly crap thing that would be a simple explanation, so we're hoping that will be it. It might just be an issue with her glasses. She's had a few dizzy spells that she hasn't told us about though, so we're just trying to get her recovered & then investigate what it could be. But she's pretty worried, and dad's pretty worried (but pretending he's not) and I'm pretty worried (but pretending I'm not, so don't tell mum).

But I'm a bit dark with my brother & sister who've been pretty blase about it, but I guess they're not here, so they weren't the ones sitting around in emergency with dad all Friday night, then walking in seeing mum all fricking bandaged up and shit, so they can afford to be a bit blase about it.

Urgh. Then there's the fact we live in a small town, so someone collapsing & hitting their head in the supermarket is big news. Most of the town have had her on death's door (which isn't true), there are rumours that she had a stroke, a heart attack, an epileptic fit (none true). And every rumour is making her feel worse and more embarrassed.

But ... it'll get sorted out. I'm sure it's nothing major, because all the scans she had would've picked it up. It's just a fricking horrible thing to be going through & you can't control it.

Sorry for the rant. Guess I needed to vent. Nothing to see here! Move along! Move along!

Alex said...

Well, I wish your Mum a speedy recovery, EMS, and hope it all turns out to be something very minor and treatable.

Then there's the fact we live in a small town, so someone collapsing & hitting their head in the supermarket is big news.

Bloody small towns.

Sorry for the rant. Guess I needed to vent.

Blessed be the internet, eh?

eat my shorts said...

Blessed be the internet indeed. Thanks for bearing with me. And thanks for the well wishes, it means a lot!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Hope you mum comes good, EMS.

Mums eh!

Mine is 84.

I think her unyielding hatred of Tony Abbott keeps her sprightly.

squib said...

they are a worry

eat my shorts said...

I need to get her to start hating Tony Abbott perhaps?

They are a worry, indeed. Mine's only 61, so she's a bit too young for falls and collapsing and the like.

patchouligirl said...

I hope she gets better soon too EMS. This discussion reminds me of when an 80 year old friend of mine was living in Tassie. A mainland friend would phone him every night and one night he didn't answer the phone. She got worried and phoned the neighbour in the morning and begged them to go and check on him, which they did. Turns out he'd had a stroke and had spent the night on the floor in the cold. He has since made a slow but fairly good recovery.

eat my shorts said...

Thanks Patch.

Stitches came out yesterday. She's still not allowed to drive until she has more tests on Tuesday.

Gah. So frustrating. She's a really active person & this has just knocked the wind out of her sails. Hate seeing her like this.