Monday, July 27, 2009

Man is born to suffering as the sparks fly upwards.

Whoops!

In one of those amusing ironies with which life is replete, I took the Boy to his first AFL match – the last quarter of the Essendon/Richmond match at the “G” – only to have the Dons play like a bunch of drunken stumble bums and go down like a sack of wet wheat.

Still, he enjoyed – in the following order;
* The train trip into the match,
* Chasing the seagulls going into the ground,
* Discovering the seats at the ground go up and down,
* The players were also on television,
* Chanting “Essendon *clap, clap, clap* Essendon, *clap, clap, clap*”,
* The actual match,
* Chasing the seagulls going out of the ground,
* The train ride home,
* Chanting “Essendon *clap, clap, clap* Essendon, *clap, clap, clap*” all the way home from the station.

I haven’t the heart to tell him Essendon actually lost.

I’m hopeful he will ultimately take away two important life lessons from this, namely;

A) Barracking for a football team and voting Labor leads to a lifetime of heartbreak and
B) Seagulls are remarkably stupid creatures and deserve to be chased.

Damn you Perseus.

34 comments:

Perseus said...

I nearly went, but was a little hungover after attending TSFKA's Cath's hen's night Saturday night, but I thought, "Nah, we're gonna get hammered, I'll just drive home..."

With one minute to go, I was sure we were tanking and just going to let Essendon kick one more goal and win, but how good was that mark taken by one of our midgets with ten seconds to go?

Did you point out to the boy our celebrity drug addict who almost single-handedly won the game for us?

Perseus said...

Is it hen's night singular or hens' night plural?

squib said...

I think it depends on whether there was one hen or many hens

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Depends on how many hens there were.

The Boy was much more interested in the chairs and the chanting.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Err...snap, Squib.

Perseus said...

Der Fred. But, is the bride-to-be the only 'hen', or are they all hens?

I hope he was chanting correctly, and saying "Esserdon."

squib said...

If they were all unmarried, then they were all hens

Melba said...

Ramon, your son is well-equipped for life. That's all he needs.

And Perseus, a girlfriend of mine lives in the same street as your ex-drug addict Tiger champ. He has seen her in her dressing gown and said hello.

How about those Cats, hey?

Wa wa nee wa!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

For some reason, he calls them "Essingdon".

Perseus said...

So technically, it's only a true hens' night if all the women in attendance are unmarried?

I think it should be known as a hen's night (singular) to avoid grammatical confusion. The bride-to-be is the 'hen', and it is her night.

squib said...

I think chicks would be better than hens

Eggsington

Where are the poultry puns this morning?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm looking forward to the paltry puns.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Or not.

As the case may be.

eat my shorts said...

I haven’t the heart to tell him Essendon actually lost.

Did you get to have a saveloy in bread with tomato sauce? Because even when the Bombers are losing, that makes it all better.

Perseus said...

EMS: It must have been a while since you've been to the G. They cost about $8.50. It makes you worse. Honestly, food prices at the footy is a DISGRACE. For $6.50 you get a meat pie that's piping hot on the outside and frozen solid on the inside. The sauce is communal and free, but it comes out the squirter like an ejaculating elephant and invariable ends up on your clothes. I've turned int a nanna and take my own rolls.

Lewd Bob said...

Nerd.

Perseus said...

You say that now, but if we go to Richmon v Hawthorn, you'll be wanting one.

eat my shorts said...

That's why local footy is the go. You could buy eight savs in sauce for the prices at the MCG.

My mum and dad and I used to go and watch my brother play (this was about four years ago when we both happened to be living up north at the same time) and we'd take our own sandwiches and a thermos of coffee, sit in the car and dad'd let me reach across from the back seat and beep the horn when we got a goal.

Then you'd go to the club bar for some beers and I don't know how much the beer cost because dad was always buying, but he didn't mind too much so they can't have been very expensive.

Yeah, I was in my mid-twenties, but it was a great way to spend a weekend with the olds and snotface.

Lewd Bob said...

Ah, the beeping of the horns to celebrate a goal. Down at Generic Park - where Perseus and I both played junior footy - the beeping on a Saturday afternoon could be heard for miles around.

As too could the screams of pain everytime a player landed knee first in the gravelly mud.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

He had a lovely, fresh apple on the train ride home, EMS.

I didn't have a beer as I am "trying to set a good example"

Perseus said...

Bob - My Aunty Chook still drives to Generic Park at 7am every Saturday, parks her car on the wing, walks home, then returns to the car at 2pm for the game with her car in the perfect position.

She beeps the horn not just for goals, but occasionally to express displeasure at bad umpiring.

eat my shorts said...

I didn't have a beer as I am "trying to set a good example"

Boo! Hiss!

She beeps the horn not just for goals, but occasionally to express displeasure at bad umpiring.

There is an art to it. You have to convey the correct tone, otherwise everyone looks at you a little odd. Where I come from, it's a long tooooooot for a goal, and a few short & sharp toottoottoots for a dodgy umpiring decision. And if the ump is close enough to see, you can give him the middle finger. But mum doesn't like that very much and she's in charge of the sandwiches, so it's best not to piss her off.

Boogeyman said...

Is it hen's night singular or hens' night plural?

More to the point, why were you attending a hen's night?

I fear that at 40, there is still so much to teach you, and so little time.

Oh and lols at your title, Ramon. Do you think, in addition to all his other troubles, Job was an Essendon supporter?

Lewd Bob said...

Job Watson? Surely!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Don't worry EMS, I drink heavily at night when everyone has gone to bed, to make up for it.

Job was an Essendon supporter?

Yes indeed Boogey and well spotted.

Cath said...

I am all confusion about the correct grammar in regards to the hen/s. There were more than one single lady, but indeed only one, ie me, about to be married. A friend of mine made her night easier by calling it "chook" night - and her fiance came.

And Boogey... Pers attending a hen's night is totally appropriate. He is single. There were single women there. Single drunk women. Single drunk desperate women.

But strangely he STILL couldn't pick up. Poor poor boy.

Lewd Bob said...

It's a little like Mothers' Day. Which is for all mothers. Hence the apostrophe comes after the s. Yet, on every cafe's blackboard leading up to Mothers' Day you see "Mother's Day Specials" or, worse, "Mothers Day Specials". This has even occurred: "Mothers Day Special's".

Boogeyman said...

Cath - the problem with that theory is that if PQ goes along to as function as 'one of the girls' then they're not going to want to pick up one of their own girls, even if she dresses as a Texan pirate goth.

If, on the other hand, he attended the hen's night as the paid entertainment, then he might have more luck.

Cath said...

People want to pay to see a pasty white, skinny middle aged man take off his kit?

Boogeyman said...

Cath, I said 'if he attended as the paid entertainment'.

I didn't actually say who paid, or in what coin.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

People want to pay to see a pasty white, skinny middle aged man take off his kit?

I'm sure Desci would be prepared to chip in.

Perseus said...

What Cath fails to mention is:

1. She said there would be six single women there. I got to the venue with Lewd Bob's brother Fanta, and I immediately swooped on a cute well-spoken blonde. I spent half an hour focussing my attentions on her, only then to discover she wasn't one of the single ones.

2. In the time I was chatting to the blonde, people were leaving (I arrived 5 hours after the hens' night started). Suddenly, upon discovery that the blonde was not single, I looked up and noticed there was only ONE single woman left.

3. The one single woman left obviously fancied Fanta, and Fanta fancied her, so I let nature take it's course.

4. This was fortuitous for Cath, who had consumed much wine, and without my gentlemanly shoulder, possibly would not have made it out of the bar upright. It was also I who delivered to Cath two very timely coffees, which enabled her to sober up enough to make a call for her lift home. I may not have picked up, but I was very useful.

5. My strip music is The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog." Who wouldn't pay for the spectacle?*




*Don't answer.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

For those ready to fork out to see a pasty white, tubby, middle-aged man take his kit off, mine is "Cool Thing" by Sonic Youth

Maybe we could do a double act, Pers?

Melba said...

This is what I've been missing out on all day?

Strewth.

I could have told you all the reason Pers went was to try and pick up. What better place than a Hen's night?

But he is such a gentleman, he acted as protector and assistant to Cath. That is very sweet.

Congrats Cath. Hope you had a good night. Sounds like you did.