Wednesday, July 29, 2009

My Secret Shame

No, it's not Fleetwood Mac - I've already confessed to that one.

The other day Lewd Bob outed himself as a MasterChef fan, and from my high-horse in my ivory tower and other cliches, I scoffed hard and loud. Reality TV? Bah. It's beneath me. I'm better than that. Much, much better, and youse are all philistines and plebs for succumbing to that garbage.

But who am I kidding? I have my own christmas pie. See, I'm mates with this high-art musician, a nerdy intellectual Jewish chick with perfect pitch who's hot as, and anyway, a few months ago, she confessed to me that she has a thing for US cop shows, and somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind suddenly crap US cop shows were validated.

With the power of Foxtel subscription, I tried them all. CSI: Whatevers, Law & Order: Whatevers, Without A Trace, Cold Case, even fucking Monk. I hated them all. Especially 'CSI: Miami' - what's with that guy, with his lopsided glances, creepy drawl and sunnies too-small? I kinda liked Law & Order: Criminal Intent the first couple of times, mainly because of the main guy, Vincent D'Apostrophe or whatever, but then he started to shit me because he was way too insightful, and anyway, I detected a pattern... whodunnit? The first person they come across, that's whodunnit.

But there was one I fell in love with, and now I cannot get enough of it. NCIS. Oh, how awesome is that? It's so.... slick, and tidy.

I'm totally in love with the character of Ziva, the Mossad chick (though I was upset to find that the actress ain't Israeli), I want to hang with Abby, DiNozzo and McGee, and I want Gibbs as my uncle or something. I know I know, it's all so staged and the speed of their forensic research is the stuff of science-fiction, and you can play a vigorous game of 'count the cliches' with every character, but, I can't help it, I fricken love it.

Oh the shame.


eat my shorts said...

Oh, Perseus.

There's no helping you now.

Pepsi said...

For all his rural Pirate Texan Goth guff, I never really understood why Perseus had so much trouble finding a wife. He's relatively sane, solvent and rather easy on the eye, and I was always a little perplexed as to why he kept on failing to pull a bird of breeding years.

I've read this post and now I get it.

Thankyou for clearing that up for me.

Lewd Bob said...

suddenly crap US cop shows were validated

And I failed to validate Masterchef! Not hot enough for you, you shallow, shallow man?

Anyway, have you noticed in all those cop shows, when they interview suspects and witnesses, the suspects and witnesses just continue going about their business, as though nothing interesting or nerve-wracking is happening? They just continue working on the car, doing the ironing or washing the dog. Surely most people, when being questioned by cops, innocent or not, and especially when the cop is Ice-T, stammer and hesitate and shift around nervously.

Or maybe that's just me.

patchouligirl said...

My husband doesn't mind the odd 'dead body show' as I refer to them. I dont know why people want to watch these shows with graphic shots of decomposing bodies at the end of a hard days work.

Perseus said...

Pepsi - But I have a chainsaw! I have to get points for that.

Bob - I noticed that too. They actually ask the cops to leave. I'm more likely to confess immediately, even if I didn't do it.

PG - We watch them because they are totally BRAINLESS. I used to read literature or watch Godard films before bed. NCIS is better than fucking xanax.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

And to think you mocked me for my distain for Tarantino.

Well, who's laughing now.

Me, obviously.

Melba said...

I join you in your mockery, Ramon. Can't stand these shows. Got sucked in once by an advertisement. Watched it, and it was a complete waste of my time.

On another topic, did anyone watch United States of Tara last night?

That Diablo Cody - what a clever young woman she is. She has got the smarts alright.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I would have, Melba, but I have a doctor's certificate excusing me from anything involving Toni Collette.

Anonymous said...

Gee, and I thought I was the only person in this world who thought Toni Collette was overrated.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Oh she gives the shits something chronic, Boogey.

"Look at me darling, I'm acccccccccccccting".

Perseus said...

In my defence, the title of the post is 'My Secret Shame'. If TV was food, The Singing Detective would be crayfish, The Sopranos would be roast lamb, and NCIS would be Maggi 2 minute noodles (Reality TV is a pack of tim tams).

I know it's rubbish.

I don't get the Toni Collette thing either.

I do get the Rachel Griffiths thing though. She's uber cool.

Perseus said...

... I cannot forgive Collette for 'Japanese Story' which is possibly the worst Australian film ever made. IT ENDED FOR 50 MINUTES!

Melba said...

Shit Ramon. Who DO you like? Who do you rate?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Apart from dead Russian Marxists, Melba?

Melba said...

I guess so. Give us a list of writers you like (please limit surnames ending in 'ov' 'ev' or 'nin' to one) and actors you like. Please stick with the more widely-known artists: ie no obscure people I've never heard of. Five of each. Or more if you want. You have one hour.

I'm putting my black cape and mortar board on now.

Lewd Bob said...

More like leather boots and a whip given your harsh-task-master style there, Melba.

Melba said...

Please speak to me after class, Bob. No calling out.

Anonymous said...

Reality TV? Bah. It's beneath me. I'm better than that.

Perseus, shouldn't that sentence more correctly read "Reality TV? Bah. It's behind me" ?

Cath said...

I myself am willing to keep watching United States of Tara, if only for the son Marshall... he is so cool. For frick's sake, in episode one he was baking and all but wearing a smoking jacket in bed!!! Toni Colette... whatever, it has John Corbett for drool value.

Lewd Bob said...

There are 2 distinct types of reality television. And let me repeat, I have only ever watched one show: MasterChef.

There are those, like MasterChef and Survivor, which have high production values and are generally well shot and edited, albeit sometime harshly.

Then there are those which are utter, utter trash, such as Dance Your Ass Off and Big Brother. These are exploitative and humiliating and these are the types we should be embarrassed about watching.

Perhaps there's a middle ground too. Shows like Idol which at least feature some people who have some talent, no matter how annoying, but which also exploit those without talent and have fuckwit judges attempting to boost their already fucked careers.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...


George Orwell,
Emile Zola,
Leo Tolstoy (but not AK),
Christopher Hitchens,
Mungo MacCallum.


Cate Blanchette,
Katherine Hepburn,
Tilda Swinton,
George Clooney,
Cary Grant,
Rosalind Russell,
Frances McDormand.

Melba said...

Thanks, Ramon. We are agreed on all the actors, apart from the old timers, I have no opinion on them. It's good you included journos in the writer list. I guess.

Thanks for playing.

Oh, one more question. Are you able to articulate your views on Hemingway? I know you've called him a cunt; more please.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It's more a style thing with Hemingway.

Somebody once said of him that he never used a word that would send a reader to a dictionary.

Melba said...

And that's a bad thing? Not in my book.

That was Faulker, by the way who said that.

And for the record, Hemingways response:

"Poor Faulkner. Did he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use."

He's right, you know. There is a talismanic power that you can access in a word such as "dark" or "good" or "big" compared with "shadowy" or "beneficial" or "enormous" or any other dictionary words.

Plus, he described owls as "very mean creatures."

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Maybe Melba, but I like an author to challenge me.

As I say, it's a personal thing.

Perseus said...

I'll not hear a bad word about Hemingway. Or Faulkner. There'll be fisticuffs!

Melba said...

I love him, old Hem, as you can probably tell. Reading all I can about him at the mo. As you can probably tell.

Lewd Bob said...

I like both too. But I like Hemingway mucher. At least, I like his writing. I reckon he'd be a cunt of a bloke.

Lewd Bob said...

Like Lou Reed. Lou Reed's a cunt.

our man in Canberra said...

Since you’re airing televisual dirty laundry I’ll admit to a certain enthusiasm for Foyle’s War.

Give me a substantially elevated homicide rate in a wartime provincial town, way too complicated motives or means of killing, bumbling yet arrogant authority attempting to cover up murder for the ‘greater good’ and Michael Kitchen’s twitching delivery of the word “right” just before he tears an alibi to pieces and I’m content (of course a tumbler of malt and no social life to speak of also aids in the enjoyment but take that as read).

Pepsi said...

The people who told Toni Collette it was a good idea to start a band & record an album should be shot.

The musicans who thought it was a good idea to play with her should be hung, drawn and quartered as well.

I saw the Doves last night so missed US of T, so will watch it on ABC2 tonight, with my chainsaw rumbling by my chair.

Reading Faulkners Light in August put me hospital. Hem has never put me in hospital, put me to sleep but not in hospital.

I have a reality telly secret too - Iron Chef and Relocation Relocation. Both for the stickybeak / laughter factor.

Oz Idol has been good to us, its kept my brother-in-law in gainful employment for years - beats the life of sound engineer on tour, tv pays heaps better too.

Lou Reed is an ugly cunt.I think having a beer with Hem would be more entertaining than having a beer with Lou Reed.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'll not hear a bad word about Hemingway. Or Faulkner.

Quite right, Pers.

Nobody mocks Senator John Faulkner when I'm around.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

And Michael Kitchen’s a damn fine actor.

Anonymous said...

Somebody once said of him that he never used a word that would send a reader to a dictionary.

In contrast to journos, of course, who keep their thesaurus close at hand lest they violate the holy taboo - "Thou shalt not repeat the same word twice in the same paragraph".

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

*Puts on sub-editor's hat*

The word "twice" in that sentence is redundant.

*Takes off sub-editor's hat*

Perseus said...

*puts on another sub-editor hat*

The repeated use of the word 'same' is also wasteful. I recommend: "Thou shalt not repeat the same word in a paragraph."

Further, 'repeat the same word' borders on tautology.

"Thous shalt not repeat a word in a paragraph."?

* Puts Richmond beanie back on *

Lewd Bob said...

That reminds me, Ramon, of when shop assitants, offering to look for something 'out the back', say "I'll double check". No, fucker, you'll check for the first time!

Melba said...

Does the formula go like this?

Excellent writer = cunt of a person?

Hemingway was a true raconteur, and men and women loved him. Sure, he married often, but I don't know that he was an awful human being. He was generally polite to people, was forever writing cheques to help out friends and associates and generous to people who described themselves as serious about writing. He was hounded by the press after he won the Nobel, and all round, I don't think he was such a bad guy (ex-wives may disagree.)

Sure he was an alcoholic and killed alot of animals, but he was interesting. lived a big life and I don't know that he was a cunt.

Lewd Bob said...

Fair enough Melba. I've read his works but not his biography. I sure would like to have a beer with him.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

As I've said before Bob, I have the heart of a sub-editor.

It's sitting in a jar of alcohol on my desk.

Melba said...

Me too, Bob. Me too.

kitten said...

NCIS is good. But Law & Order SVU is my all time favourite. Now UK cop shows is another story - I really like Prime Suspect with Helen Mirren. Oldie but a goodie.

squib said...

Canberra person, oh my! I love Foyle's War, 'jolly good, Sir' and all that...

and a couple of other detective ones on ABC... the guy with the nice black jacket, what's he called?

Ramon, I don't believe you're nasty enough to have the soul of a sub-editor

I can't comment on NCIS cos I've never seen it but it does look really really naff

eat my shorts said...

But I have a chainsaw! I have to get points for that.

I dunno, dude. I'm not sure you should use that as a line to pick up chicks. Not that I can speak for others.

I'll put my hand up to enjoying Foyle's War as well. When I still had pay tv I quite liked Relocation Relocation too. I didn't get into UK Masterchef though.

social disaster said...

Teh boyf makes me watch Criminal Minds with him every week because he has a crush on the dweeby guy. Fortunately the killer on this week's episode was amazingly hot. I've never wanted to be tortured and have my heart cut out of my body so much before in my life.

Joanie said...

I adore this blog and that's probably because it's like reading reality tv. I wait to see if Perseus gets lucky with someone who deserves him, if Desci will wade in and give Lewd Bob another virtual bitch slap, sometimes change the channel on quirky old Ramon when he gets on an obscure rant and re-read Boogey's acidic snippets. And Melba is the one I'd most like to take home to meet the family. It's vouyerism all the same...

Perseus said...

...the only thing we lack Joanie is the evictions. Though Stubbadub did once threaten to evict us all!

Anonymous said...

I thought quirky old Ramon's obscure rants were one of the highlights. That and Perseus's fights with Boogeyman.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...


I've barely touched the surface of obscure!

Stay tuned.

Melba said...

I have the dubious honour of having made it to runner up in the only version of Big Blogger that I've ever heard of.

And thanks Joanie. I love you!!

eat my shorts said...

I wait to see if Perseus gets lucky with someone who deserves him,

Short answer? Yes. Of course. Otherwise, what hope is there left for the rest of us?

if Desci will wade in and give Lewd Bob another virtual bitch slap,

Well, we all hope so, 'cause fuck, that's hot.

sometimes change the channel on quirky old Ramon when he gets on an obscure rant

That's a joke, comerade, no?

and re-read Boogey's acidic snippets.

Which serves as bed-time reading for the thinking woman.

And Melba is the one I'd most like to take home to meet the family.

But not to make the family curtains. ;p

Joanie, you're so right. Who needs drama when there's TSFKA.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I lost the award for "most like to take home to meet the family" to Melba.

I haven't felt this gypped since I lost the award for "most gratuitous use of the word fuck in a serious screenplay".

As for obscure rants, just wait until Ramon and I touch on this week's topic - "King John - magnificant bastard or lackless wretch - the findings of our exclusive poll of 12th century serfs will perturb and revolt you".

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yer on Boogey.

And why does nobody want to take me home to meet their family.

wari lasi said...

How come I don't get to be creepy as usual?

I'd rather be abused than ignored.

Melba said...

I'd like to be famed for my acidic snippets, Boogeyman. Don't you know that being taken home to meet the family would be such pressure, and I would be a real disappointment to Joanie? You don't have to go anywhere, and can just safely continue to be acidic right here.

Melba said...

Wari you make me laugh.

How's the weather? We had a storm here last night and the wind blew over one outdoor chair and my hoya carnosa.

wari lasi said...

Thanks Melba, the weather in Moresby is like me I'm afraid, boring. 30 and a bit overcast.

I was in Madang all last week, now that's a lovely place. One day they may foolishly let me post and I'll give the world (Ok the TSFKA bit) a guided tour of this much-maligned country. Or maybe I'll email a blurb to Perseus and he can either trash it or put it up.

Please give my regards to the hoya carnosa (Yep, had to google it) and may it have a speedy recovery.

Anonymous said...

the weather in Moresby is like me I'm afraid, boring. 30 and a bit overcast.

Far be it for me to correct you, Wari, but aren't you 45, not 30?

wari lasi said...

I should have been more precise Boogey. I am indeed 45 and I meant Moresby was 30 degrees, like it always bloody is. But I have a funny feeling you knew that already.

Now, back to the Lesbian Vampires ...