Monday Sports Wrap

What an awesome sporting weekend!

First up, The Ashes, which came down to the last few overs but unfortunately ended in a draw. There's players we can point fingers at, such as Michael Hussey, whose sacking I was calling for pre-tour and managed only three runs. But, although he proved again that he is one of the best batsmen ever, Captain Knucklehead for some reason decided he'd put Marcus North in for a bowl when England were nine wickets down and we only had a few overs left. The English tail poked and prodded North all over the Welsh countryside and managed to see the day out. The ghost of Dylan Thomas laughed at us. Siddle was on fire, Johnson, though bowling erratically, was still capable of taking off their heads, but no, Ponting, with his inbred Tasmanian low IQ problem, put in a part-timer and we end up with a draw. Ah well, at least there was some argey bargey... I missed it but apparently Johnson and Siddle got their backs up and were hurling abuse at the pommy batsmen. Johnson went chest to chest with Pietersen and after Siddle whacked a player with a bouncer, he sledged him for getting medical attention. That's the spirit.

Tour de France was also awesome, though Cadel Evans got fucked up the arse by a group of nine breakaway riders who refused to let him ride with them. I couldn't be bothered explaining the nuances of this - tactically its complex and unless you sit and watch the race it makes no sense, but know this: Evans was fucked up the arse after attempting one of the bravest moves in recent Tour history. He probably won't win the Tour because of it, but he will take home the moral victory. One thing I do love about Cadel Evans is that like Ian Botham, when interviewed, he avoids sporting cliches and actually speaks his mind. He could have said "Oh, that's racing, I'll just have to concentrate on the next stage..." but no, he said of the incident, ""Ah ... I just get so sick of being told: 'Why don't you go in an early breakaway? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? You'd think anyone in the Tour de France would let me go in a breakaway, and then when they get into a break with me ... they carry on like three-year-olds with their tantrums.".

The footy was also fantastic. Though Richmond appears to be tanking and wouldn't beat the Lorne Under 12's, it's exciting to see some of the younger players show a bit of dash. Though we like our footy players with names like Barry, Ian and Kevin, the next generation of Tiger stars are called Trent, Jayden and Robin. Pooncey names, but exciting prospects. I've never actually said that of Richmond for 25 years... And Ben Cousins? Wow. Fucking starring. We at least got that one right at Tigerland. Geelong losing was also intriguing to watch. Yes, they were missing half their stars, but even so, it's Geelong. You just assume they'll win, but now they've lost two in a row. Some are calling their demise, but I'm going the opposite. Hear this: They will be unbeatable in September. Also, the Hawthorn v North match was the best one to watch because it was like the 1970's. It hailed, the players were covered in mud, it was low scoring... Awesome. Finally, Barry Hall gave up. I'll miss him. It was like having Vyvyan from The Young Ones on the Swans team - mindless violence was always an option, and that was half the fun of watching Swans games.

In other news: Mark Someone, an Australian, won some car race thingamy. I'll leave it to ShitBMX to comment rapturously on that piece of triva. And at the pub last night for Mermaid's 20th birthday, I got into a game with some locals where you had to think of film titles and change the last word to 'cunt'. So, The Bourne Identity becomes the Bourne Cunt. Dead Poet's Cunt. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Cunt. Full Metal Cunt. For some reason, the game spread across the party and it was played for hours with much enthusiasm by all. This is the reason one should never make any life decisions when drunk.