Perseus's Pathetic Lovelife - Special Edition

I know I said I wouldn’t post all my dating woes again, but, this one seems right to post because it’s about Love of my Life, Ponygirl. Because you all know of her, it’s permissible to give an update, I feel.

For those of you who don’t know of her, here’s the summary. I met her three years ago. Her boss asked me to mentor her in a field in which I am proficient in (stage management). She became my protégé and pet-project. She was a natural at the skill, and I enjoyed teaching her, and on top of all that, she was hot. She had a boyfriend though so I didn’t really think beyond that.

Two years ago she landed a massive show, a touch out of her league, and I gave her a lot of help in the lead up. The day before the show, she rang in a panic, saying she was worried it would fall apart and asked if I could come into Melbourne to be with her as it took place. I went in and just stood next to her, giving support. She pulled it off. Then she took me for a drink, and confessed that one of the reasons she had panicked was because she had split up with her boyfriend earlier that week, and it was All Too Much. We had some more drinks, and, well, I suddenly decided she was ‘the one’ and two years later I haven’t altered that opinion.

We had some dates, but I was a rebound interest. She promptly got back with her boyfriend, as often happens. Not only that, she moved overseas with him, and I moped. Then, she dumped him again and came back to Australia, but not to Melbourne. Instead she moved to the family farm, 9 hours drive from my place. We hardly talked. I finally got over her and started dating a girl. Two days after agreeing to be this new girl's boyfriend, Ponygirl turned up at my house. We commenced an affair and I dumped my girlfriend - the whole sorry story is documented here. The affair was short but sweet because alas, she was heading overseas again. The last time I saw her was Black Saturday, documented here.

She came back in December and moved straight back to the farm where she will be staying indefinitely. We had a quick and awkward breakfast in December… both of us hungover, but during that breakfast I booked her into stage-manage a few shows I was producing in January – February, the first of which was in Melbourne; an event we worked on last year as well.

So, the scene is set thusly: Love of my life is coming to work for me for a fortnight, we'll be sharing a hotel room for a few nights, and them moving down to my house for a while. I have no idea how she feels romantically about me. I head into the fortnight with an open mind...

Here’s how my fortnight with Ponygirl went:

Jan 23
We meet on site, run through the program for the next few days. Back to hotel room to check in. Out to dinner in Toorak Rd. We go to a Chinese restaurant and eat pork tendon and chicken feet. I suggest that we should go to a bar, even though we have an early start the next day, on the grounds that our conversation is stilted and we are being far too polite and formal with each other. She agrees. We get smashed at some bar in Prahran. I tell her how much it hurt that after my farm visit I never saw her again for the six weeks before she went overseas. She apologises, but adds that I was the only person that received individual contact whilst she was overseas, aside from family. I then ask if we are going to have sex this year. She gives me an adamant ‘no’ on the grounds that it will be far too confusing, given that she intends to live on the farm, and she doesn’t want the complexity of me in her life for the third year running. We are sharing a bed in the luxury hotel. She is wearing what I refer to as ‘virgin pyjamas’ (head to toe). She tells me she had a Brazillian that day. Sigh. No sex.

Jan 24
We work 7am until 8pm. We go for a burger at Embassy Café in Spencer Street (best after-hours hamburgers in the universe). Back to the hotel room for just one glass of wine each on the balcony of our room. Conversation is fixed on work. To sleep at about midnight in same bed. No sex.

Jan 25
We work 8am until 10pm. After which we are invited to a cocktail function to hob nob with B-list celebrities that we had been working with earlier in the day. Ponygirl gets a little sloshed but I’m designated driver and stay sober. The B-listers are making jokes about celebrities adopting African children. One says, “Maybe there’s a warranty that comes with them,” and everyone laughs. Another says, “Yeah, they need some sort of refund system for defective ones,” and everyone laughs. Ponygirl says, “Or they could have a 90 day ‘try before you buy’ program,” and nobody laughs, and they all turn their heads, and the air could be cut with a knife. She slumps back in her seat. We leave the party, and Ponygirl refers to them as “cunty McCunt Cunts.” She says, “Oh, it’s okay for the celebrities to crack the jokes about African kids, but not me. I used exactly the same joke, but when I say it, it’s racist!” We drink some more on the balcony. She’s fuming. I suggest to her that some sex may calm her down. She rejects the idea. No sex.

Jan 26
We work 8am until 8pm. During the day, we are forced to interact professionally with a fledgling popstar, The Songstress, a stunningly beautiful woman who I went on a date with in December, and have a second date with next week (she was away for most of January, hence the long gap between dates). It was the first time I had seen her since our date, and here I was, interacting with her and Ponygirl in close quarters. Ponygirl knew I had a date with her, but The Songstress, as far as I know, was not aware of my history with Ponygirl. I was hoping that The Songstress would flirt a little with me and make Ponygirl jealous, but because we were all in work mode, there was no flirting. Ponygirl says later, “She likes you a little. Play your cards right and she’s all yours.” I find myself conflicted. I’m a little happy that Ponygirl could be right and something could happen with The Songstress, but unhappy that Ponygirl didn’t seem to care, and was even encouraging the union. After work, another work-related cocktail party, this time with Department heads. Ponygirl avoids being racist. The Songstress rings me to see what I’m up to, and to thank me again for the work. Ponygirl and I head with some other people to Brunswick Street and get sloshed. I note a change in her behavior. Firstly, one of the B-list celebrities from the night before calls her at 1am and begs her to go out with him for a drink. She tells the B-lister that she is with me, and she will not meet up with him. Secondly, the people we are with are mostly her (former) work associates and not mine, and yet, she stays next to me the whole time and gives me all her attention. Maybe the whole Songstress thing worked? We get back to the hotel room and drink even more. It is 2am. We are absolutely drunken. Nothing can happen. We fall into bed. I go to sleep with her tit in my hand. No sex.

Jan 27
We get up early and head back to my house on the coast. I work all day and she relaxes at my house, and gets to know the two cute German backpacker chicks that are staying at my place, Short Kraut and Tall Kraut. That night, Ponygirl teaches me a game called Bananagrams. You use the Scrabble tiles, but not the board. It’s awesome, and if you want the rules I’ll post them. It’s one thing I like about Ponygirl… she likes board games, and so do I, particularly at night with wine and cigarettes. We play for a few hours, then she brings out a ukulele and I bring out a guitar and we have a singalong. We are having a ball. Jeez we get along well. Always have. I ruin the night by blurting out, “Why don’t you love me? We’re perfect for each other! We could at least have sex!” I have spare beds at my place, and she sleeps in one of them. “You need to masturbate more,” she says. No sex.

Jan 28
I’m at work all day. Ponygirl’s bonding with the Small Kraut (who has boy problems) becomes annoying. Small Kraut (aged 20) adopts Ponygirl as a surrogate older sister / mother figure, and that night, I can hardly get a word in. Ponygirl spends the whole night counseling Small Kraut over her boy problems. No sex.

Jan 29
I work all day and Ponygirl cleans my house top to bottom, and even irons my shirts. I tell the Krauts to go out that night and leave us alone. Ponygirl and I go out for dinner, then to a bar. She meets a lot of my local friends and she seems to like them. At 1am we kick on to a small private party, and I notice that Ponygirl is flirting heavily with me. I know her well enough to detect these things. We get back to my house. I say, “You want to have sex, don’t you?” and she says, “Um, yes.” I get all indignant and shit. “Oh, so for a whole week it’s no sex this and no sex that, but now you’re drunk, suddenly sex is alright!” She says, “Yeah… so, how about it?”. “No fucking way !” I say, and go to my own bed which is located on the higher moral ground. No sex.

Jan 30
I awake, thinking, “I am an idiot.” We are both hungover, and lazily laugh about last night. She has to go to Melbourne for a friend’s birthday party. She heads off at lunchtime, and I spend that night sober and relaxed. Meanwhile, she has a blinder in Melbourne.

Jan 31
She returns at tea-time, and we actually have a business meeting because from the next day, her work schedule is enormous. She goes to bed early, so I duck out for a drink with my friend Surfer Joe. He comes back to my place, and Ponygirl gets up and has a drink with us. The two Krauts then come home from a bar, and the five of us are drinking. It is midnight. The two Krauts, very drunk, announce they are going to bed (they share a bed). After they go to bed, Surfer Joe says, “I’d love to have sex with both of them, at the same time.” “Me too,” says Ponygirl. “Ditto,” I say. “How about a 5-way orgy?” says Surfer Joe. We concoct a plan whereby Surfer Joe would go into the room and start it up, and then Ponygirl and I would join in five minutes later. He went in. Ponygirl and I laughed. We were expecting him back out in thirty seconds. Why would two hot 20 year old German girls want to have a threesome with a chubby 33 year old they hardly know? But… five minutes later, he wasn’t out. “Jesus,” I said, “This might be happening.” “Let’s go in,” said Ponygirl. We go into the Krauts’ bedroom. Surfer Joe is pashing Small Kraut. Tall Kraut is either asleep, or pretending to be. Ponygirl and I jump on to the bed. We kind of writhe around a little but tall Kraut is not moving. We sort of laze about for five minutes. Surfer Joe caresses my leg, thinking it is Ponygirl’s. It creates mirth. Ponygirl plays with Tall Kraut’s leg, but she’s not stirring. Ponygirl says, “Well, nothing happening in here…” and gets up and leaves. Surfer Joe says, “Umm, I think Small Kraut is asleep too…” We get up and have a cigarette then Surfer Joe leaves. No orgy. Now, being that Ponygirl was up for the orgy in the first place, you would assume that means she’s maybe up for some sex. I get into her bed. She lets me spoon her, but says, “The spoon is nice, but I’m not putting out…” I fall asleep with my arm around her. No sex.

Feb 1
She works for me in another town 8am-10pm. I work similar hours but back at home. I have put her up in a hotel there. We talk on phone. No sex.

Feb 2
She works in the other town 6am – 8pm. I pick her up at 8pm and we go out for Japanese and a show de-brief. She then invites me back to her hotel room for a wine. I wonder if this means sex. We get back to her hotel. We are sipping wine, smoking cigarettes, talking about work but in a very comfortable and free-flowing manner. The weather is lovely. We hit a sweet spot. Right this second, we are as comfortable as we have ever been, and words are coming out of my mouth but I don’t know what they are because internally I am overwhelmed with swoon. Suddenly she says, “Well, I’m off to bed, good night”. Sigh. No sex.

Feb 3
She works 6am – 7pm on her last day of this show. She has done a sterling job. I am proud of her. We meet up at another show site and travel back to my house. We decide on a bottle of wine on the beach. Very romantic. Unfortunately, in a move I failed to pre-empt, we purchase the bottle from a bar that is managed by Local Love Interest (LLI). I had a crush on LLI last year, but never thought she was interested, and besides, her time in town is limited. She’s passing through for a year, maybe two, but that’s it. But in November, I detected she liked me a little, and so I abandoned all chances of romance in Melbourne and decided to finally, after three and a half years of bachelor coastal living, to pursue a local. It worked. We hooked up. Then she dumped me, citing ‘small town and I won’t be here forever’ reasons. I was shattered. We stayed friends though. Small town. You can’t have grudges or enemies. Anyway, Ponygirl and LLI meet, both very well aware of each other’s place in my life. I squirmed, and they got the ‘nice to meet you’s out of the way in seconds and we ran. Ponygirl and I drank a bottle of wine on the beach and it was beautiful and romantic. I thought, “This is the night.” We got back to my house but Fucken Small and Tall Kraut took over and monopolized her. Before I knew it, all chances of sex were over. No sex.

Feb 4
I work all day, then at night, Ponygirl and I worked at a show. The show goes perfectly and we had fun working side by side. We head back home at about 1am and stop in to see Surfer Joe. He insists we have a drink. We get a little drunk. I realize that I have drunk every night with Ponygirl. I’m not a big drinker, and it’s wearing me down. Tiredness hits. We go back to my house and I can’t keep my eyes open. No sex.

Feb 5
She was supposed to leave, but had decided the night before to stay another night, maybe two. I kick the Krauts out for the night and we are having a lovely time drinking wine and playing Bananagrams, just the two of us. “This is the night we’ll have sex,” I think. “It’s possibly her last night. She asked to stay this extra night. It’s on.” Surfer Joe drops in and offers us ecstacy pills. Ponygirl says yes, so I did too. It’s 1am and we’re high. “Oh, there’ll be sex,” I think. But then the Krauts come home with some boys, and some other people come, and at 2am there is a party in my house. At 3am, Tall Kraut pulls Ponygirl aside to talk about boy problems. They go into the kitchen. I kick everyone out. Then Tall Kraut and Ponygirl go into the Krauts’ bedroom to talk more. I figure, “Ah, just girl talk.. they’ll be out soon.” I wait ten minutes then go for a quick chat. Tall Kraut asks me to find Small Kraut. I go looking but I think she has left with one of the boys. I go back in and say, “Nah, she’s gone. I’m by myself out there. What are you guys doing?”. “Talking,” they say, then stare at me… they obviously don’t want me in there, so I go back out to my kitchen and wait. I sit alone in my kitchen for an hour, on drugs, high as a kite, by myself. I go to bed at 4.30am, sad and angry. No sex.

Feb 6
I have to get up at 7am to take Lord Byron the kitten to the vet. I get back home at 10am and she’s still not up. She gets up at 11am, and finds me sitting all passive aggressively at the outdoor table reading the paper. She asks what’s wrong. I tell her about last night. She apologises profusely, saying she was on drugs and had no idea I was sitting by myself and what time it was. She packs her bags and goes. No sex.

The only good thing was that the Krauts moved out as well. Small Kraut had been with me for three months and I liked her, but once Tall Kraut arrived I wasn’t happy. I have my house back. I slept alone in my house for the first time since November 12, though I slept badly.

Feb 7
Black Saturday anniversary, which is also the anniversary of the last time Ponygirl and I had sex… late at night on her Mallee Farm, on a rug on her lawn. So long ago. I spent the day cleaning the house, passive aggressively.

**

Fuck it was hard. I love the girl so dearly and we get along famously, but living with her for such a long time with all this history was too much. I kinda like it that she’s back on the farm.

Luckily, diversions are in place. I have two appointments with The Songstress – one is work related, the other is our second date. Wish me luck.

But what’s also murky is that when Ponygirl and Local Love Interest met, I looked at both of them and thought, “You know, I gave up too easy on LLI…”

But now for the punchline. Ponygirl will be back in three weeks time, for another week of work for me. I’d use someone else, but a) I’ve already promised her the work and b) She is very fucking good at it, and I want her on a professional level.

I’ll let you know how that goes.