Monday, May 31, 2010

Weekend Wrap

Richmond won for the first time since last August. No matter what evil befell me on Saturday night, nothing could dampen my spirits.

Songstress had her CD launch on the weekend.

Being that last time I wrote about my lovelife she was in the number one spot as potential girlfriend, you'd think I would be excited about attending, but no. I was ambivalent to the max.

I got dumped, sort of, you see. You may recall that I was one of three lovers on rotation in Songstress's life, but this list has been culled to one and that one is not me. Buff Man got the gig. Not that Songstress actually told me this. I heard it from her cousin, Miss Flatmate. But, my dignity still clinging, I decided to go to the CD launch anyway so as not to appear frail.

I had it all planned. Take Ponygirl. That would send a message of, "See, I don't need you anyway. I can attend a CD launch with your other lovers, because, well, look here, I have other lovers of my own..." and Ponygirl was up for the role.

Thing is but, Ponygirl pulled out three days' before. She had double-booked, and the other booking was a family birthday party in the country and so I lost my date.

So, I just went with some mates, as well as Miss Flatmate.

I got there, and Miss Flatmate looked haggard and tired and when I asked what she wanted to drink she said, "Water."

"What's up with you?" I asked.

She said, "Oh, I went on a massive all night bender with Ponygirl last night."

"What? My Ponygirl?"

"Yes."

Bear in mind, they only met two months ago, through me. I didn't even know they had each other's numbers, let alone were likely to hang out.

"It was massive," she said, "We went to this huge party and ate magic mushrooms and were dancing and tripping off our heads, as well as drinking, and we didn't get to sleep until 6am."

"Umm," I said, "Don't tell me she stayed at your house,"

"Yeah, she did. Why?"

"Did Ponygirl, umm, come across Songstress at your house?"

"Yeah, they had a quick chat in the morning."

"For fuck's sake," I said, "First of all, you are one of my best friends, Ponygirl is my lover and one of my best friends, and the two of you met through me only recently, and did it occur to either of you to invite me to this awesome night of decadence? I was at home watching Battlestar Glactica DVD's like a total spasmo! Second of all, I'm not too comfortable with Ponygirl and Songstress, two girls who I slept with within a week of each other, meeting in hallways."

"Whatever," said Miss Flatmate.

Buff Man was then pointed out to me. Wow. Talk about the anti-me. He was rugged and handsome, a little short but stocky and buff, with scraggly long hair, a tan, three day growth and a flanny shirt. There I was, tall-ish, scrawny, clean-cut, pale and in a suit. It was almost amusing.

Songstress performed her set, and ten minutes after it, I gave Songstress a kiss, said, "Well done," dutifully bought a CD and got the hell out of there.

We went to The Retreat in Brunswick, and someone had pills, so we had one.

At 3am, Miss Flatmate announced there was an 'Alice In Wonderland' party going on, so we decided to walk to it. It took 40 minutes to walk there, but when you're drunk and on a pill, it doesn't matter.

I was at the party for all of five seconds. I had just come through the back gate, and some people came in behind me. It was the cops. And, because I happened to be just inside the gate, they decided to approach the first person they saw, which was me.

"Whose party is this?"

"Dunno"

"You need to turn the music down,"

"There's music?"

"Where is the host of this party?"

"No idea. I just got here. I don't even know what suburb I'm in."

They looked at me and thought, "This man is obviously on drugs, and we have no interest in talking to him any further."

They left me alone.

We were at the party for no longer than ten minutes when Mad Irishman decided we were all moving on.

Back at Mad Irishman's house there was me, him, and two girls. One was Leggy, who is the lover of Fanboy, a member of my band (you may remember from ages ago that Leggy once tried to hook me up with her friend who looked like a horse, but instead I picked up a Mormon). The other girl back at Mad Irishman's house was Leggy's best friend, Spiderwoman, a goth. Both girls are 20 years old.

We drank a bottle of wine and it was 5am. Time for bed.

There were two beds, and Mad Irish said, "I'm not sleeping with Perseus, so I think that one girl should come with me and one with Perseus. I can be trusted not to attempt to have sex with either of you girls, but I will probably put my arm around you."

I said, "I can be trusted with you Leggy, as you are Fanboy's girlfriend. I won't even put my arm around you. But Spiderwoman, I can't be trusted with you. If you are in bed with me I will jump you. That can be guaranteed."

So Leggy says, "In which case, I shall sleep in the bed with Perseus, because I know him very well and know he can be trusted with me."

Spiderwoman said, "And I don't know you at all Mad Irishman, and don't know if you can be trusted or not. So, I will only sleep in a bed with Leggy."

Therefore, I had the two girls in bed with me, and Mad Irish had a drunken tantrum about this along the lines of, "It's my house but Perseus gets to sleep with the two girls" and we're not sure what happened to him because when we awoke the next day he was gone.

In bed, I was on the end, Leggy in the middle, being a protector, and Spiderwoman on the other end. I announced that given even a slight chance, I would jump Spiderwoman, but not whilst Leggy was in the bed. We stayed awake and chatted, and then Leggy got up to go to the bathroom. She gave us five minutes. I rolled over and Spiderwoman and I snogged and copped a bit of a feel for the five minutes, then Leggy returned. I was satisfied with that, and we all went to sleep.

The end.

65 comments:

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm getting confused now.

Can you provide a Venn diagram about who is sleeping with whom.

Perseus said...

It's quite simple Ramon. I was sleeping with Songstress who was sleeping with Buff Man and Hip-Hop Guy but now she only sleeps with Buff Man and I sleep with Ponygirl who sleeps with a Young Lesbian and Sailor Boy but I literally slept with Leggy who sleeps with Fanboy and also in bed was Spiderwoman who I pashed and groped and Miss Flatmate sleeps with nobody.

I need to get series 2 of Battlestar Galactica.

Mr E Discharge said...

Simple, Draw a small circle and label it "Perseus".Place it on the kitchen table. On a seperate piece of paper draw a larger circle and label it "Everbody Else". Place this on your front lawn. This should respresent the data in it's correct scalar relationship.

Alex said...

Has Lapsed Catholic undergone a name change or is Sailor Boy someone new?

WitchOne said...

I need a pie chart.

Perseus said...

Someone new... lapsed Catholic got dumped.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

So Ponygirl dumped Lapsed Catholic?

Perseus said...

Yes, replaced by Sailor Boy, but he's off to a bad start and it won't last. He's a poor performer in bed, and he finished the last of her glass of water and didn't offer to refill it. This is enough armament for Ponygirl to dump. Lapsed Catholic was dumped for being 'analytical'.

She's like Elaine from Seinfeld.

I said to her yesterday, "You may end up marrying me by default. I'll just be the last man standing," and she agreed.

patchouligirl said...

Thank you Perseus, a good laugh. It might be time to branch out and meet some new women. I've said it before I know but 20 year old's probably aren't thinking about marriage so if that's your aim, you need to be meeting women at least 10 years older than that. Is an Alice in Wonderland party simply a drug party or is it more elaborate?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Has she dumped anybody over an issue of grammar?

Puss In Boots said...

Ponygirl sounds like me. I used to dump people for minor stuff as well. I think it's a great tactic.

Pers, your life is so comical, I often wonder if you're just making it all up!

Perseus said...

Puss - didn't you once dump a guy for eating a chicken wing with his hands?

Alas, none of this is made up. As a teetotaller, you may not appreciate the shenanigans single people get up to when they get trolleyed.

PG: It was a costume party. Lots of rabbit ears. Your advice is noted.

Ramon: No, she hasn't. Her grammar isn't so hot itself.

Alex said...

I think one of the funniest stories I've read on here, was the one Puss told about the bloke who took her out so that he could get himself a chicken dinner to eat in front of her, while she went hungry.

Puss In Boots said...

It wasn't just a wing, Pers, it was a complete chicken. And I was starving, as Alex pointed out.

I also ditched a guy for holding his spoon in a fist, another guy for staring at people in a restaurant, another guy for wearing thongs to a restaurant, another guy for not being able to spell correctly, another guy for owning dogs, another one for liking pop music, etc etc.

I was harsh.

Cath said...

The truth is always so much more funnier and ridiculous than anything a scriptwriter could ever come up with. Convoluted love life - Perseus Love Gumby is our man!

As much as we all laugh at his uselessness... it makes me sad for gumby-man. Sorry if I sound boring and advise, less drug-induced gropes, less Venn diagram love plots, less desperation in sleeping with people despite the fact that they clearly don't care for you.... At heart you are monogamous, and want someone the same.

Poor poor Perseus.

WitchOne said...

Ouch Cath.

RandomGit said...

So you openly called your shot, received an implied rejection, got given an opening by what should have been an unsympathetic party and went for it anyway.

And succeeded.

You're like the patron demi-god of testicular fortitude Perseus.

patchouligirl said...

I've been quite taken with the idea of an Alice in Wonderland party ever since I saw the 'Heston's feasts' version of it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I've been quite taken with the idea of mind-altering substances since Uni.

Perseus said...

Random: Though I make none of this up, I do omit some things. In this case, I was told some weeks ago that young Spiderwoman expressed 'some interest' in me, therefore, I had some level of confidence that my advances would not be forcefully rejected.

Ramon: Well, next time I have a decadent night, you are welcome to join in. Bring cash, a raincoat and some sort of weapon.

Cath: "Real world!". Bah.

Puss: Did you tell these men why you were dumping them? "I'm sorry, you're holding the fork all wrong. This can never work."

Puss In Boots said...

Haha! No. I wanted to. But most of the time, I went on one date with them, and then just never spoke to them again. Or just politely thanked them and suggested we remain friends, with no intention of doing so.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

some sort of weapon

Will my rapier-like wit suffice?

squib said...

you may remember from ages ago that Leggy once tried to hook me up with her friend who looked like a horse, but instead I picked up a Mormon

That should go on a shirt or a mug or something

Was it like that Alice in Wonderland party on the telly where they had vibrators in absinth jelly? That was ummm different

Alex said...

Jesus Squib, I hope they were clean.

Pepsi said...

Do they call you Daddy?

Congratulations on your grope.

I have season 2, Apollo is a midget.

Perseus said...

Pepsi: NO SPOILERS!

And no, they didn't, thank god. I did check how old Spiderwoman's dad was though (earlier on in thie night) and he was early 50's.

Pepsi said...

My nephews girlfriend is 20. It weirds me out seeing you chasing skirt so young, nothing wrong with it, its just a bit weird.

No spoilers on BSG, when you get to the end of season 4 of BSG then we can chat about it.

Alex said...

Pepsi, I remember when I was younger, there were always a few middle aged folk who used to hang out with the twenty-somethings. I assume it was the same for you. I guess it happens everywhere and always has. Admittedly, it did get a bit sad on the odd occasion when a womon would pinch her own daughter's boyfriend, but that was pretty rare.

Perseus said...

Pepsi - She chased me, sort of. I didn't invite her back to the house. She chased in that she made it clear some attention would be welcome, I obliged. As I've said before, with these younger women, I play the role of 'older guy who pays for taxis / drinks'.

Plus, they all started as fans of the band. The pubs we play at are frequented by twenty-somethings. That's where I meet them.

Perseus said...

...if there were thirty-somethings at our gigs I'd meet them too. But they're not. They must be all at home watching Greys Anatomy or something.

catlick said...

Admittedly, it did get a bit sad on the odd occasion when a womon would pinch her own daughter's boyfriend I trust there was no bruising.
And Perseus I hunched over my macbookpro scrolling as fast as I could to consume the next line. Your fiction is heroic, but your reportage is spell-binding. I do believe you have relieved me of the obligation to have a life. I am, vicariously, living la vita sessuale.*

*babelfish

Alex said...

I trust there was no bruising.

I can't recall an incident where it ever came to blows, if that's what you mean, Catlick.

Melba said...

"You'll need to turn the music down."

"There's music?"

My favourite part.

*

And I remember Horse Girl.

Oh goodtimes, Perseus.

Melba said...

BTW I don't think it was me that came up with Ponygirl. Even though it is something I would say. I think someone beat me to it. Squib you think?

As an aside, I once worked in a place where 'pony' was used as an adjective. It was very cool.

Alex said...

I don't think I've ever heard 'pony' used as an adjective, Melba. What was the meaning? Was it like 'small' or 'meagre', as in 'less than a whole horse'?

Melba said...

No, it meant "truly excellent" "ace" and "wonderful."

As in "this book is so pony" or even "he's so pony."

Alex said...

I find that quite interesting, Melba. I wonder how the use originated.

Oh, and Catlick, how do you find the MacBook? As user-friendly and trouble-free as they're touted to be?

patchouligirl said...

vibrators in absinth jelly

Yes, that was the episode. I loved the 'drink this' potion idea and the whole Victorian banquet theme with the edible dirt and insects. To combine that - which was pretty trippy anyway - with some mind altering substances and costumes, the right venue . . it would be a pretty interesting party.

Perseus said...

It's rare I use netspeak but in this casxe it is warranted... Melba: LOL.

Dr. Golf said...

Perseus Im starting to think the Tiger's form could be a weathervane for your love life.

How did you go in 1982?

catlick said...

Alex I've had no software problems, but a cracked bezel gave me a few weeks of grief. Apple apparently do not want to go to court over these issues. All fixed now, but in the future I will be getting base models and throwing them away after the limited and non-extendable AppleCare runs out.

Perseus said...

It wasn't Melba or Squib. I looked it up. It was the blogger known as 'Artful Kisser' that coined her nickname. It was a post at my book review site about Kite Runner (which I hated) that was recommended to me by Ponygirl - though at that stage I had just referred to as a girl I loved.

Artful Kisser wrote:

"Wondering if your interest in pony girl subsquently waned? I couldn't look a previously irresistible chap straight in the face when I read Atonement after he'd recommended it to me."

**

Golf: I was at the '82 Grand Final. When the female streaker ran out on the ground, my Dad took the binoculars off me.

**

Catlick: I have no idea what you're talking about. Is it some sort of car?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I thought Catlick must have taken a tumble ie, " I fell over yesterday and cracked my bezel".

catlick said...

Is it some sort of car? If Ferrari haven't released "La Vita Sessuale" (in slash red) perhaps they should have.

Alex said...

Thanks Catlick. I wouldn't consider one for myself as I'm a Linux/BSD user, but I'd like to get my parents a travel companion that will require as few tech-support calls as possible. Considering what you pay, I'm surprised they'd be so standoffish about fixing things under warranty.

Perseus, weren't you like 12 or 13 in 1982?

Puss In Boots said...

Alex, Apple are evil bastards who are only concerned with world domination. I'm not surprised they won't fix things under warranty. They like to try and prove the fault happened because the customer wasn't using the product correctly, not because there was actually a fault with the product (because Apple likes to believe it's products are perfect). Haven't you read all the recent cases where they sue people for the most stupid things? They have closed systems, and are one of the most (if not the most) litigious corporations in the world.

I don't own, and don't intend to own, any Apple products. I don't care how "trendy" they are.

Perseus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Perseus said...

Yes I was Alex, which is why Dad wouldn't let me look at the streaker.

But, here she is.

Alex said...

When you factor the footy in, it must have been quite a day out, Pers?

Haven't you read all the recent cases where they sue people for the most stupid things?

Puss, do you mean the cases over patent violation and trademark infringement (aggravating to say the least) or are you talking about them suing their actual customers? As I've never considered purchasing one of their products before now, and usually don't have to deal with them on a day-to-day basis, I've generally not taken that much notice of them. Have you owned their products in the past, Puss? The one or two Apple owners that I do know, seem to have an uncommon level of enthusiasm for them.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

but this list has been culled to one and that one is not me.

Did you at least get an exit interview?

Melba said...

Linux, Alex? Are you, my brother? Oh no, that's right. You're a girl.

Hey, I know some linux.


Oh, streakers. Those were teh days. I wonder if people still do browneyes? I remember a rough night in Cooper Pedy, school trip, "going for a walk after dinner."


It was charming, truly a charming place for a bunch of private school girls to take in the air. And for their teachers as well.

catlick said...

I had a brief trip to Cooper Pedy several years ago. Took note of the dodgy wind generator sold to them by "Lyle Lanley", went down a worthless mine with a Polish man who had dug up and lost several fortunes, had a surprisingly good Chinese takeaway which I ate under the only tree in town, and whilst looking for a clean toilet held open the door of the pub for a young man entering at the same time. He passed me, and was then at the next door before I was. He turned and spoke.."you fucken white cunt you think Arm gunna open this fucken door for you ya cunt". I spent a good ten minutes reading the most crude and nasty graffiti I have ever seen, and ran the gauntlet as I left.The air in that town is thick with grief and resentment.

Alex said...

I wonder if people still do browneyes?

With all the American television that the kids watch these days, I wouldn't be surprised if they're calling it mooning now.

You have a brother who is also named Alex, Melba? Are you a penguin lover as well, or just him?

Catlick, did you actually manage to find a clean toilet in Coober Pedy?

catlick said...

did you actually manage to find a clean toilet in Coober Pedy? The pub wasn't bad. I usually aim for MickyDs but couldn't find one there.

catlick said...

I wonder if people still do browneyes?
With all the American porn that the kids watch these days they wouldn't see many brown eyes what with all that anal bleaching.

Alex said...

Catlick, like Perseus, I never use the phrase 'LOL'. But if I did, I would be using it now.

Puss In Boots said...

Puss, do you mean the cases over patent violation and trademark infringement (aggravating to say the least) or are you talking about them suing their actual customers? As I've never considered purchasing one of their products before now, and usually don't have to deal with them on a day-to-day basis, I've generally not taken that much notice of them. Have you owned their products in the past, Puss? The one or two Apple owners that I do know, seem to have an uncommon level of enthusiasm for them.

It's mostly alleged patent violation or trademark infringement, but they don't seem to care who they hurt. There was a company in Australia who had a product which would back up all your iTunes data so that when you reinstalled your iPod, all your music wouldn't be lost (or something - I don't own one, but apparently they can be wiped quite easily). The Apple help desk even used to recommend his product to iPod users. Obviously, the product had iPod in the title. Anyway, after about 5 years, the lawyers decided they didn't like him using the name anymore, even though he was helping their business and not hindering it. So they sued him. He had to change the name of his product, and now it no longer comes up in searches, and he has gone out of business. He contacted Jobs before he went under, trying to appeal to his human side, and Jobs simply wrote back, "Change the name. It's not difficult" (I'm paraphrasing).

Then with things like their Apple resellers. They let resellers sell their products, provide all their sales data, and then they open an Apple store on the same street of the most successful ones, putting them out of business. And they don't even tell them they're doing it.

With warranty issues, they try to make it so they never have to pay out. It's always the customer's fault apparently, and never the dodgy product.

They're just bastards. As Jon Stewart remarked recently, it is a strange world where Apple is the evil empire, and Bill Gates is out ridding the world of malaria and donating billions to charity.

And aside from a very early Apple computer my father owned when I was little, I don't own and have never owned any of their products. Largely because I don't like their philosophy. I just find them to be evil bastards. And plus I hate having something just because everyone else has one.

Melba said...

Wow, I keep coming over here thinking there might be something about the Israel-Gaza thing.

But no.

Humpf. Typical, and I don't know why I expected differently, but the silence is deafening.

Does it not stir anyone either way?

Mr E Discharge said...

You mean the thing about the Palestinian Terrorist Navy Attacking those peace loving Israeli Helicopters?.

wari lasi said...

Perhaps I have become numb to it all, but the most amazing thing about this post is that the Tigers finally won a game.

And Pers, Witchie says to hassle you about joining us on the 3rd. There'll be kids and stuff, but it should be interesting anyway.

Mr E Discharge said...

Speaking of Witchy, I'd be eternally grateful for any information on good eateries and Coffee in Greater Boganville. I'm out there on business a lot and the best coffee so far is Maacas in Boganville Road.Help!

WitchOne said...

Red Centre Cafe - Boronia Rd Boronia
They also do food that can bring a tear to your eye with it's awesomeness (close your eyes to the decor, it's pedestrian to say the least). A is also a fan of this place and now they're open first Friday of the month for dinner, we have a regular playdate. :-)

Enough of the advertorial.

Pers. Make the effort, there will not be any gratuitous sex or drug taking and there will be children running around. There will also be shitloads of laughs and a number of drinks.

Mr E Discharge said...

Thanx Witchy,
Much appreciated, by the way your Mums Meatloaf recipe is awesome!

WitchOne said...

I know it is Mr E. GLad you liked it.

Try this for corn on the cob..

Loads of butter in a saucepan, add "Clive of India" curry powder and lemon juice to taste.

Pour over cooked corn.

We call it Aztec Butter and I can eat it by the spoonful it is that good.

Alex said...

Wow, Puss. The reason I asked whether you had owned Apple products in the past, was because I thought that you must have had some kind of terrible experiences with them. I don't think I've ever heard that level of vitriolic spleen-venting being directed at an I.T. company for its business practices - other than Microsoft, of course. Please don't take this as criticism. I think your points are fair and the issues regarding warranty that Catlick originally highlighted have certainly given me pause to reconsider them as an option. I mean, why pay top dollar if you're not receiving top service?