Monday, August 30, 2010

Why do you hate me, number 86 tram?

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

The other day I took the Number 86 tram into the city as my usual train had been cancelled.

For those who remember TSSH, the 86 tram was a source of considerable hilarity, mainly for it being freak city central with a wide and varied collection of junkies, speed freaks, chromers, nutters, hippies and associated dick-biscuits all crammed into one small, trundling space.

However I was confident that I should be safe enough at the start of peak hour until I looked down and observed a quite large spider crawling up my overcoat*.

Being calm in a crisis, I took the sensible precaution of shouting “yerrrrrrrrgh” and leaping about in a manor vaguely similar to a Morris dancer on crack; in the process knocking the spider into a handbag of young woman who turned out to have a pathological fear of spiders.

This in turn led to a cluster of passengers standing in the isle speaking at some volume, which in turn led to the driver stopping the tram and inquiring what the hell was happening back there.

“It’s a spider” we all screamed.

“It’s just a huntsman,” said some hippie – fresh from voting Green at the election.

I was going to suggest he could cram the spider up his environmentally friendly clacker when a less-environmentally friendly type resolved the situation by squishing said spider.

Several times.

I think killing a spider is supposed to bring bad luck, but I didn’t kill it so I should be safe.

*It was crawling over your Julia badge, Squib, which I thought was just rude.

39 comments:

Jamie said...

Look at the spider crawling on the Julia badge as a metaphor for Bob Katter and his ex-Nat pals.

Also, Ramon, I'm not sure that your role in precipitating the spider's demise will ensure your safety. Glad you survive tge ride on the 86 all the same.

squib said...

What a sad ending for poor Mr Spider. If only I had been there to rescue him

Mr E Discharge said...

I took the sensible precaution of shouting “yerrrrrrrrgh” and leaping about in a manor vaguely similar to a Morris dancer on crack

Squib,
Maybe you can use this in your badge marketing program.

"Unisex Design,Perfect for the man in your life or a big girls blouse....."

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The spider started it, Squib.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It was a big spider, Mr E, and it may have had a knife.

I can't be too sure.

Puss In Boots said...

Spiders. Ugh. Too many eyes, too many legs. They can't be trusted.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Can we add your dislike of spiders to your already considerable list of quirks, Puss?

squib said...

Mr E, an excellent suggestion. Thanks

patchouligirl said...

I would only kill a red back or a funnel web - putting up with a huntsman crawling over you is simply mind over matter surely.

Kettle said...

Puss my Mum used to give names to any spiders we found at home so we wouldn't be frightened of them: "Oh that? That's just George, don't worry about him."

It didn't work. Now I'm afraid of spiders and anyone named 'George'.

Ramon, you and your fellow 86-ers did what you had to do; I respect that.

Puss In Boots said...

Kettle, your mum and I would not get along.

Ramon, yes, indeed. Have I also mentioned I never take the stickers off anything I purchase? My laptop still has all the promotional stickers on it, as does my monitor and TV. Actually, anything I own. It drives the boy nuts.

wari lasi said...

Puss, if Freud came back to life he'd point at you and say, "There, see, I told you so"

When I see people who've left the clear plastic film on a new mobile or notebook screen I hassle them them until they peel it off.

Alex said...

I think I'd tolerate huntsmen better if they didn't sometimes climb into bed with you. It's just rude. Still, if experience has taught me one thing, it's that I'd rather have a huntsman climb up the outside of my clothes than a centipede climb up the inside of them. I think they're even less trustworthy than spiders on account of the extra legs.

Puss, you do remove the clear plastic covering on screens, don't you?

patchouligirl said...

Once again Puss, I am the complete opposite - I take the stickers off everything. When I bring home apples I wash them and take all the stickers off. When the mechanic gives me back my car and he's put his sticker on it I get the shits and take it off again.

Puss In Boots said...

Wari - ha!

Alex - yes, the plastic sheet bit is the only bit I remove. But that's just because it makes it difficult to see. And actually I had the sticky plastic bit on the back of my last laptop until it fell off of its own accord. I was a bit devastated.

Patch - cars are different. I always remove all the stickers on my car, and even replace the number plate surround so I'm not promoting some (usually) incompetent, idiotic car salesman.

patchouligirl said...

I don't know why a granny smith apple has to have a 'granny smith' label on it when it's perfectly obvious what it is.

eat my shorts said...

Ok, firstly: Justin ... is that you?

I went to school for a couple years with The Bedroom Philosopher, he has a CD and all, it's called "Songs from the 86 Tram" check it out: http://www.bedroomphilosopher.com/2010/04/24/songs-from-the-86-tram-2010/. Excuse the lazy-link, but ... feck it, I'm lazy today.

Secondly, huntsmen spiders might be harmless, but they are hella scary. If huntsmen spiders are going to go around looking all scary and shit, then they deserve what's coming to them.

Also, my flatmate wrapped our DVD and TV remotes in glad-wrap. That trumps all your "keep the sticker on" foibles, purely because it involved purchasing said glad-wrap and going to the effort of wrapping it around the remote (and waking me up in the morning before leaving for work to tell me not to remove the glad-wrap.) Sigh. Fuck I wish I lived alone again.

wari lasi said...

and waking me up in the morning before leaving for work to tell me not to remove the glad-wrap

Oh My God (sorry I hate "OMG") EMS. Move! Hurry! Get out of there before it's you wrapped in glad wrap! That is just too bizarre.

patchouligirl said...

One of my friends had a birthday party for her 7 year old recently and one of the party games was to wrap the kids in glad wrap and have a contest to see who could escape the fastest.

I remember one occasion when I was driving into Sydney, on the Northern approach to the Harbour Bridge when I noticed a big spider crawling on my lower leg. There was a lot of traffic and nowhere to stop the car. I couldn't really drive AND chase the spider around so I had to ignore it for several minutes until I could pull over. If you have to use mind over matter, you can.

Puss In Boots said...

Patch, that is horrific. Both the wrapping kids in Glad Wrap thing, and the spider in traffic.

I think I would have had an accident if it was me. Or just stopped my car and jumped out in the middle of the road, and jumped around like an idiot, slapping myself.

I once had an escaped pet spider pay me a visit when I was living by myself. I had a clock about 20-25cm in diameter, and I was sitting underneath it on the couch one night. I got up to go to my kitchen to get some dinner, and went to look at the time. A massive, hairy spider was covering the entire clock. Ugh. I sprayed him with an entire can of Moretein, but that just made me angry. He literally fell to the floor, and started jumping after me down the hallway! I have never been so scared in my life (and of course was screaming like a little girl the whole time). I jumped up onto my bed, and he went underneath. Of course, I knew I would never be able to get to sleep if I didn't know he was dead, so I jumped down, ran to get a broom, then came back, and stood on top of my bed, using the broom handle to systematically tip over all of my furniture, trying to find out where the damn thing was. I saw him take off down the hallway, so I followed him to the TV room, and grabbed the vacuum cleaner. He was underneath the coffee table with his front legs up and fangs bared, so I tried to suck him up in the vacuum cleaner, but he was too big! I was too scared he was going to try to crawl up the nozzle to get me, or jump at me again, so I stopped for a second, and he ran underneath the TV. I spent the next 20 minutes jabbing the vacuum cleaner pole under the television, trying to cut him into pieces enough to be able to suck him up.

And then I spent the next 3 nights huddled on the couch, afraid to let my legs touch the floor in case he was still alive and wanted revenge. I didn't sleep very well. And then I worked up the courage to check underneath the TV. Thankfully, I only found a part of his body and a few legs.

I think he must have been an escaped pet, because I have never seen a spider like that before. He looked like a bird-eating spider or something. *shudders*

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Puss, I'm seeing that as a major new Hollywood thriller, staring Tilda Swinton as you and Leonardo DiCaprio as the gigantic fucking spider!

Puss In Boots said...

Tarantula 3D?

Puss In Boots said...

but that just made me angry

Of course, I meant it made him angry. I was quite gleeful about spraying him with a whole can of Moretein. In fact, I think I even yelled, "Die devil spider!" a few times during the process (a movie quote, left over from my youth).

patchouligirl said...

Next time that happens Puss, can you set up a video camera to capture the action? I could do with a laugh.

patchouligirl said...

Oh and I reckon if you had four kids like my friend has you'd probably glad wrap a few of them occasionally to keep them amused.

Alex said...

Puss, that spider story was excellent. Completely worthy of its own big-budget 3D film (although, looking at the current crop, I suppose that's not saying much).

Think about it. A petite, attractive, young woman (to appeal to the lads) with a career and a keen fashion sense (to appeal to the ladies) and a quirky obsession with cleanliness, order and good grammar (to exaggerate the terrifying decent into chaos) - besieged in her home by a huge, ravenous spider that's escaped from some exotic collection by devouring its keeper. Golly, if that hasn't got cult classic written all over it, I don't know what has.

Of course, the horribly mutilated spider would have to come back for its revenge in the final reel (and may or may not be wielding a knife).

Too many eyes, too many legs. They can't be trusted.

Even the tag-line's sorted.

Puss In Boots said...

Ha! You should design the movie poster, Alex!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Isn't Alex a dab hand with the drawing?

Puss In Boots said...

Yep, that's why I suggested it!

eat my shorts said...

Get out of there before it's you wrapped in glad wrap! That is just too bizarre.

I would worry, but I don't think he minds if I get greasy fingerprints all over me. As long as it's not the remote or the tv*.

*Or the laptop screen, or the fridge, or the windows, or the ... ok, I'm kidding about the last two.

Alex said...

Ha! You should design the movie poster, Alex!

Good idea. A nice little art project for the weekend. I'll get started on it tomorrow.

Alex said...

Well, here it is, Puss. I think I've captured the essence of the story in sufficient detail. Oh, and just for the hell of it, I thought I'd also throw up this rough draft of an early idea I had but quickly abandoned.

Puss In Boots said...

Dude! They are both fucking awesome!

Melba said...

They are awesome. I particularly like the idea of Keanu Reeves as a dead body.

Alex said...

It was a role that fitted his acting style better than anyone I could think of, Melba.

Alex said...

Oh, and thanks, Puss...um, I mean dude.

Alex said...

Hey, I just realised it's the Brisbane River Fire thingy tonight. Does that mean you're celebrating your birthday this weekend, Puss? Well, happy birthday if you are.

Oh, and I don't know if I asked this already, but how did the operation/recovery go? No complications, I trust?

Melba said...

Yes I know Alex, I got the subtle reference. Perfect casting.

eat my shorts said...

I heart your movie poster, Alex. Brilliant stuff. And the illustration is excellent as well.