Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Aussie Aussie Aussie

Further to Ramon's post...

The angels have downed their trumpets and taken a smoko. The ASX has halted trading and the wolves are at bay. The Devil himself has laid down his arms and signed a 14-day ceasefire agreement with the LORD, and Kevin Rudd is set to declare a National Public Holiday.

Yes, Aussie Baz Luhrmann’s ‘epic’ ™ AUSTRALIA is about to be released, which in one fell swoop will restore Australia’s film industry, cement Australia’s global reputation as being the bewdiest place on Earth, and set Australia up to be the new enfant terrible of world arts, the new China and the new black.

Free-trade agreements between Australia and all UN member nations has been ratified, and Australians no longer need working visas or visas at all to go anywhere in the world and they are hitherto allowed to have sex with any man, woman or sheep in any province of any country on Earth. All global citizens must also let any AUSTRALIANS entering their house to empty their larder, and the hosts must darn Australian tourist's socks.

Australians have also been voted as the BEST people EVAH by all polling and data-gathering agencies in every country of the world and in all polls ever commissioned and ever to be commissioned.

Already, shops in Sydney have sold out of tickertape and brass keys to the city which will adorn Australian Nic and Australian Hugh and director of Australia, the Australian senior spokesperson on all things Australian, Baz Lhurmannm, followed by their inauguration as joint Presidents and Kings and Queens of Australia forever and ever. Towering brass statues some thirty metres high depicting the Australians Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and the director of Australia, the greatest Director on Earth, the Australian Baz Lurhneman, have been commissioned to tour the world every four years, starting from some outback shitheap full of redneck cunts in FNQ.

The NT have reported an influx of workers set to reap the inevitable tourist hordes that will descend from all corners of the globe only minutes after seeing the film AUSTRALIA by Baz Luhrnmann. They are currently enrolled in fast-tracking lingo courses, practicing their use of the word ‘crikey’ as it commonly appears in the film Australia which is directed by the Australian genius Baz Lumrhannm.

Chinatown in New York is bankrupt and will soon be re-branded as Outbacktown.

Jim Schembri has been taken outside and shot after his unpatriotic review.

The SES are turning in their badges and the brown snakes have decided to hibernate for summer as well. The white-tails have emptied their venom and the kookaburras can’t stop laughing. Sharks are now vegetarian. Possums speak English. The moon has eloped with an astral whore and somewhere in another room an old clock ticks.

AUSTRALIA is coming.

37 comments:

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I've got my emergency AUSTRALIA kit packed already.

It includes a crate of Coopers Ale and my three-volume history of the Byzantine Empire.

I'm hoping to ride out the storm.

Boogeyman said...

I'm not saying I won't go to see Australia. I am saying that, given the choice between going to see Australia or, say, having my head sat on by an overweight sumo while his cheeks roughly grind my face into the floor till it's a bleeding pulp, I'm saying "Konnichi-wa" and offering the man a cilice diaper and a couple of chickens to munch on while he goes about his work.

catlick said...

This is on my list of "films I will never ever watch". The list includes Lord of the Rings etc, Harry Potter etc., anything Pixar squeeze out, anything Eddie Murphy made: it's a big list getting bigger. It's decent of them to give us warning.

Perseus said...

Good list Catlick. I saw LOTR. All 9 hours of it. Peter Jackson owes me about $40, plus $1 million dollars in damages to my brain.

I've never seen 'ET'. I actually want to see it now, but because I'm a weak-willed and hideous man who can't adhere to any principles, I need to hang my hat on one thing that I have achieved in my life, and my nonsensical banning of ET is that thing.

I will see 'Australia'. Just to get it over and done with.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Pers, why on earth did you persist with LOTR?

I mean, it wasn't as though you could walk out of the first one saying "Well, that was complete crap. but I can't wait to see the next one. There's no way that film could include hobbits, orcs and those stupid fuckin' elves".

Perseus said...

DVDs, Ramon. It was raining.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

That's a lot of rain.

Aesophia said...

Ah Pers, such a lovely turn of phrase, as always...

I have seen LOTR, however I found it much more easy going than the book (which is like trying to wade through waist-deep water in a hurry). I'm a sucker for the fantastical, especially if it's located in some pretty countryside - even if it has had a little help of its friend CGI...

Although I wish I'd never seen the Harry Potter films I did - the characters were so much better inside my head.

As far as opinion extends to the much maligned Australia film - I'm indifferent, remember people, all publicity is still publicity - and they're getting a whole lot of it for free by the general community soundings. Australia is not on the 'to-see' list, but I'll probably end up seeing it at some point... in the very distant future, or possibly not at all. Meh.

I have also never seen ET... And don't really feel the need. I've survived quite happily not knowing it, and Jurassic Park, and other Steven Spielberg wonders (Indiana Jones excluded).

Boogeyman said...

Australia the film - a parochial, mediocre, relentlessly self-promoting film advertising itself as an epic.

Just like Australia the country, really.

squib said...

I remember seeing 'Crocodile Dundee' at the drive-in and how we all felt that Australia had made the big time

How embarrassing. Hey I was only 12 or something

The Hobbit was one of the most boring books I think I ever read

Aesophia said...

I actually enjoyed The Hobbit more than LOTR - it was much shorter.

Aesophia said...

So Ramon... I just noticed you mentioned an entire crate of Coopers Ale... don't suppose you're planning to share...?

;P

patchouligirl said...

It includes a crate of Coopers Ale and my three-volume history of the Byzantine Empire Wasn't this also your 'fuck the olympics' kit?

This is a chick flick. I'm hoping I enjoy it because Kidman still owes me for moulin rouge, eyes wide shut and that other thing where she played a weather girl.

Stubbadub said...

As I’m assuming we aren’t the target market for this film perhaps we should cut it a little bit of slack, as the market it is aiming for shares a couple of brain cells between 200 million people.

Stubbadub said...

An easy way to forget the existence of this impending pile of crap is to tune into ABC2 tonight at 8pm as Father Ted is back on! Hurray!

Pepsi said...

Does Wolverine get his shirt off? That would be my highlight.

Does Nicole Kidman get killed off? That would be another highlight.

Its a chick flick - will the Drover do a 'wet white shirt rising out of a pond after a cooling off swim scene' like Mr D'arcy....that would be the highlight.

Can I skip the move and just get my highlights package instead?

catlick said...

"As I’m assuming we aren’t the target market for this film perhaps we should cut it a little bit of slack, as the market it is aiming for shares a couple of brain cells between 200 million people."

This would be the same target market who believes Andre Rieu is a talented violinist, yes?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Stubb - Huzzah indeed!

Aesophia - No, as I am a selfish cunt cunt.

Patchie - Both hideous events require strong remedies.

catlick said...

Stubbadub I so jellus that you have ABC2. I love Father Ted. But I would, wouldn't I?

Aesophia said...

Ramon, I believe that Cunt Cunt is a proper noun and you should utilise your shift key when typing it out ;P

Otherwise, poo to you :( I'll have to go & grab a bottle of wine to share with myself then *sigh*

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Sorry.

Ahem.

I am a selfish Cunt Cunt.

catlick said...

Is there an argument for Camel Case for CuntCunt?

Melba said...

1. I will see it, but as I've said, I fear it will be awful. I won't try too hard to like it, but I will see it.

2. Nicole was good in Moulin Rouge. I also confess to quite enjoying Cold Mountain, not least because you get to see her bush. Not that there's anything particularly fab about that, but it was just a bit shocking and unexpected.

Alex said...

Since I take in no commercial television or radio, this website has been pretty much the only exposure I've had to "Australia". I thought you were all making a big deal out of nothing.

That was until tonight, when Lateline decided to devote almost an entire show to this movie. Including a painfully long interview with two film critics. One of which was James Valentine. I think that now I understand where everyone was coming from.

patchouligirl said...

not least because you get to see her bush

Wasn't that in "eyes wide shut" and "the blue room"?

Stubbadub said...

Alex, they were also banging on about ‘Australia’ on the ABC news breakfast show this morning, although Virginia Trioli did manage to communicate strongly her contempt of the film.

And catlick I can only assume by your comment that you are Irish?

Aesophia said...

Ramon, thank you.

Catlick, most definitely... Well, at least on this forum :)

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

they were also banging on about ‘Australia’ on the ABC news breakfast show this morning

As on ABC Radio Drive yesterday.

Aunty used to have strict guidelines prohibiting this sort of guff.

No longer, it seems.

WitchOne said...

Aunty has ads now, I despise Aunty, I've never been so let down in my life.

squib said...

Melba for me the real surprise in 'Cold Mountain' was not the bush but the fact that Zellweger can REALLY act

Melba said...

patchouligirl, it was defo cold mountain. i remember vividly because i was on a date and felt most uncomfortable upon seeing her bush. i'm sure people saw it too when she got her kit off in blue room, but as that was a stage play, in london, i didn't see it.

from memory, and i fell asleep, in eyes wide shut there's not much nudity at all?

Alex said...

although Virginia Trioli did manage to communicate strongly her contempt of the film.

Is it just my imagination, or does Barrie Cassidy sometimes seem to communicate a strong contempt for his co-host?

And catlick I can only assume by your comment that you are Irish?

Yes, we micks are renowned for our dislike of seeing former musicians talk about movies on late night news programs. But seriously, what would make you guess that I'm Irish?

Boogeyman said...

Alex, I think that Irish comment was directed at Catlick, for her love of Father Ted.

Alex said...

Oops. I really should have taken the time to read that properly.

squib said...

Melba lucky you weren't watching the Hobbit Enigma. Did anyone see that?

homesick said...

Well well well, just as we at TSFKA predicted.


http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/melanie_reid/article5191828.ece

I have been flamed many times for my opinion on Kidman's lack of acting skills (I was with her at ATYP and seriously,she was pretty average then). If she hadn't been born in Hawaii then I imagine she'd still be in Sydney starring in shows like Water Rats.

Oh I am already cringing at the jibes I'm going to get from friends over here and back in the UK.

homesick said...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/
columnists/melanie_reid/article5191828.ece

Sorry but I still can't do that post a link behind a word thingy.

Hope this link above works.