Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Will the film Australia suck or what?

The omens do not bode well.

First – it’s taken 36 million years for Australia to make it to the screens (not that – you know – it’s actually on the screens yet). This suggests big, big problems in either the shooting or in post-production.

Second – it’s directed by Baz Luhrmann, this country’s most overrated film director*.

Third – it stars Nicole Kidman. The Nickster hasn’t had that flash a record of late – possibly because people take one look at that weird, blank mask her face has become and decided they’re not in the mood for a horror film.

Still, the Age is happy to puff the film, noting;

The movie will feature Nicole Kidman playing an uptight English aristocrat who is transformed by the country itself — albeit with a little help from the roguish charms of Hugh Jackman.

Oh God, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Fuck it Baz, why not through in a few more clichés, like the “noble savage” or an action set piece tacked on, like the Japanese bombing of Darwin.

Oh wait, you have. My apologies.

The Age says of the “visit Australia you cunts” films Baz has been shooting for Tourism Australia;

They all carry the message: "To find yourself sometimes you need to lose yourself. In Australia they call this going walkabout".

No, in Australia we call this “being a wanker”.

*Jane Campion doesn’t count, as she’s from New Zealand.

31 comments:

Jamie said...

To find yourself sometimes you need to lose yourself. In Australia they call this going walkabout

So that's a better slogan than "So where the bloody hell are you"? Sweet Jesus.

I'm finding it hard to imagine Hugh Jarse and Our Nic in an Australian period drama while covered from head to toe in glittering outfits and singing along to a cool, hip soundtrack featuring The Presets and Architecture in Helsinki (the band, not the architecture).

Sure, Jackman might like to wear glittering outfits around the house for his wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, but that's another story.

Puss In Boots said...

I think the title alone is shit, and it doesn't inspire me to see the film.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Why they think this film will boost tourism to Australia is beyond me.

IMDB says of the plot;

she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn stock-man (Jackman) to drive 2,000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles of the country's most unforgiving land, only to still face the bombing of Darwin, Australia, by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor only months earlier

Yeah, that should really boost tourism numbers.

"Come and see Australia. You may die horribly in the outback.

"Oh and the Japanese will bomb you.

"But otherwise, it's ace!!"

wari lasi said...

At least the "Where the bloody hell are you?" campaign lured a few blokes who thought they had half a chance of shagging a bird who looks like Lara Bingle.

Nicole Kidman looks like she died a few years ago and just won't lie down.

Boogeyman said...

How to improve this movie?

Idea 1: While starving in the desert, Hugh Jackman has to choose between eating Nicole Kidman, or one of his prized bullocks. Choosing the latter, he whips out his adamantium claws to slice a bullock into rump steaks for the men.

Melba May said...

I fear it will be shite but I want it to be good.

Maybe I'll like it anyway.

eat my shorts said...

I saw the preview a while ago and I'm not sure it isn't going to suck dog's balls either.

Everyone else was all: "This will be the best film evah!" But I just wasn't all that enthused about it.

patchouligirl said...

English girl meets working class Aussie bloke during WW2, set in NT . . didn't we already do this (and do it well, with Bryan Brown and Helen Morse) with 'a town like Alice'? Although I suppose re-inventing the wheel can be successful, just look at 'my fair lady/pretty woman'.

homesick said...

In a way this movie scares me. The hype for it over here in North America is frightening and I fear they are expecting too much from this film. I can foresee the cringe worthy scenes..

Wide shot pans in to Jackman and Kidman as they stare knowingly off into the sunset, their faces bathed in good ol' Australian red desert sunset light... didge playing in the background

I'm with you Ramon... this film could bomb with all the ferocity of the Japanese attack on Darwin (I had no ideas the Japs were such ardent creationists). Maybe the Aust Tourist Board are hoping that this film will do for Australia what LOTR did for NZ.


I am trying to dervert the attention of many Americans here to watching 'Summer Heights High'on HBO instead. A far better refection of true Australia.


Nicole Kidman looks like she died a few years ago and just won't lie down.

Wasi, that is brilliant.. spot on I'd say.

Stubbadub said...

Ramon, while I agree with you that the film is going to suck tremendous ass, I still think that it will be popular enough to break even and maybe even make a profit. People do seem to enjoy these overblown pieces of shit, including myself, judging by the success of movies like Iron Man and the latest Indiana Jones.

Louche said...

I will forgive Baz Luhrmann everything except his obsession with Nicole Kidman.

Hugh Jackman is a pretty shitty actor when out of a wolf suit too.

Perseus said...

I'm not prepared to write it off just yet.

His 'Romeo & Juliet' was brilliant. I loved every second of it. Then again, I fell asleep during 'Moulin Rouge'. Exquisitely produced as it was, he forgot to pay attention to some important filmic nuances - like acting, script and storyline.

If Kidman can act as well as she did in 'Dead Calm' (her magnum opus as far as I'm concerned), and Jackman can be as good as he was in 'The Prestige', and Bazza can learn from Shakespeare and give us a meaty script/story, then, gee, it might be alright.

Also - let's not forget the support cast: Bruce Spence, Ben Mendehslon (totally under-rated), Diver Dan and Barry Otto.

(...and of course, Bill Hunter because there's a law that you can't shoot films in Australia without Bill Hunter.)

Garn you naysayers. Give it a shot.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Maybe the Aust Tourist Board are hoping that this film will do for Australia what LOTR did for NZ

What, we don't have enough nerds here already that we have to import them?

Louche said...

Oh I'll see it. I love his production values. But I thought Jackman was shite in The Prestige. He is yet to show emotional depth.

Couldn't Baz have hired Ewan McGregor again? Sure, he's not Australian, but...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Two points.

The Prestige was indeed shite and Hugh Jackman was shite in it (although I quite liked David Bowie's cameo).

And second -

OMG, OMG, OMG. The First Test is starting in Bangalore!!!!!!!

Perseus said...

It pains me to do so but I agree with Stubb. I enjoy some overblown pieces of shit.

The following are crass, dumb, unimportant but quite enjoyable: Con Air, Black Hawk Down, I Am Legend, The Bourne Addendums, Die Hard, The first Star Wars which was the fourth instalment of that sexology.. .you know, 'Star Wars', the original. All good.

I'm not expecting 'The Bicycle Thief' from Baz... I'm expecting a giant lush epic with some nice scenery, and hope to hell Kidman, like a good umpire, will hardly be noticed.

Boogeyman said...

The first Star Wars which was the fourth instalment of that sexology

Hexology, Perseus, unless you over-analysed every double entendre and sexual nuance in the epic.

Perseus said...

There was sexual nuance? All I remember is Han Solo throwing Princess Leia up against a wall and saying, "You want me bitch, admit it..." and then a few films later watching that cardboard nancyboy rolling down a hill giggling with Natalie Portman.

(Natalie Portman = swoon. God she's hot.)

(My nomination for worst scene in any film of all films in history of cinema is when Darth Vader is told Natalie Portman is dead and he yells, "Noooooooooooo". This narrowly beats Crowe ripping the mask off and saying, "I am Maximus, leader of men" in 'Gladiahomoeroticor')

Boogeyman said...

Perseus, you should see Robot Chicken's take on Star Wars.

Palpatine (on phone to Vader after Death Star destroyed): "You get your 7 foot asthmatic metal ass back here or I'll tell everyone what a whiney bitch you were about Pada-mama or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name was!"
(Covers mouthpiece, talks to friends in room) Oh god, now he's crying.

Desci said...

Pers, Hayden Christiansen in Jumper is even more hilarious than that, if you can believe it. Picture that 'Nooooo!' going for 90 minutes. O, how we loled.

patchouligirl said...

Couldn't Baz have hired Ewan McGregor again? Sure, he's not Australian, but... , As much as I hate to admit it, I think Russel Crowe would be more suited to the role than Jackman. He's the nearest thing we've got to Bryan Brown at the moment.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

He's the nearest thing we've got to Bryan Brown at the moment

Is that a good thing, Patchie?

Melba said...

Bryan Brown now is better than BB 20 years ago. He's not half bad in that retro-gangster movie (with Toni Colette? Dirty Deeds?), but in anything Australiana, he's just too cliched.

I'm going to see this movie because I too love Luhrmann's Red Curtain trilogy (yes, even Moulin, love, love, love it). And hopefully Kidman will be a neutral element (as Perseus suggested.)

Boogeyman said...

I think Russel Crowe would be more suited to the role than Jackman. He's the nearest thing we've got to Bryan Brown at the moment.

Bryan brown is in Australia the movie, so having Rusty in there too might have been just too much ocker for the world to handle.

patchouligirl said...

Is that a good thing, Patchie?
Maybe its cliched but I loved Bryan Brown in a town like alice, the shiralee and the thorn birds. I think he's set the benchmark for this type of movie. I can picture Hugh Jackman as an ocker on a horse as easily as I can picture Russel Crowe singing "when my baby smiles at me I go to rio" in a sequined shirt.

eat my shorts said...

I remember watching The Shiralee when I was young and I wanted to punch on with that kid. Fuck she was annoying.

Louche said...

The Shiralee! Rebecca Smart.. what ever happened to her?

eat my shorts said...

Wasn't me, whatever happened to her!

patchouligirl said...

Bryan brown is in Australia the movie, so having Rusty in there too might have been just too much ocker for the world to handle.
I just read the cast - they've even got Jack Thompson! Its a crime to not have Russell Crowe in there. Hugh has his work cut out if he's going to play a stockman in a movie with Bryan and Jack without looking like Priscilla queen of the desert.

Stubbadub said...

The Shiralee! Rebecca Smart.. what ever happened to her?

According to wikipedia, she was in Water Rats for 60 episodes plus appearances in numerous other forgettable shows. Unfortunately for Rebecca, while she was cute when she was young, she turned fugly when she got older.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

As I say.

Big, big problems.