Monday, February 23, 2009

The Docklands Park is a foul swindle!

The family visited the Docklands area on the weekend, to take in the new Children's Playground located in the Docklands Park.

What they say:

“A thriving oasis in the heart of Melbourne’s vibrant docklands precinct.”

What I say:

A couple of metres of dead grass and struggling trees; with no map, badly laid out and surrounded by remarkably ugly apartment blocks and building sites making it a “must-see” for those keen on experiencing what Beirut must have looked like at the height of the Lebanese civil war.

Oh and did I mention that it’s bisected BY A MAJOR FUCKING ROAD.

The Docklands Park proves what Mike Davis had to say in his book City of Quartz; viz that in any tussle between the public good and a bucket of dosh in urban planning, it’s no surprise who’s going down swinging* in that little encounter.

The Boy quite liked the Docklands Children’s Playground but I was under whelmed. It didn’t help that none of the public toilets had any toilet paper. Happily I had a copy of the Age’s “Good Weekend” magazine and I was able to tear out Maggie Alderson’s piece and wipe my arse with that**.

And I do like Hewson’s spray at Peter Costello this week.

This should be enough to convince you, but if not, then you should have an honest look at yourself. You are bone-lazy.

*Snort*

*I may be paraphrasing slightly.

**Thus making it possible for me to say, in all honesty, that Maggie’s piece was useful and much appreciated.

29 comments:

Boogeyman said...

Isn't Good Weekend magazine glossy? How did you manage that?

I also enjoyed John Hewson's spray. Nothing like Libs tearing other libs apart to bring a smile to one's day.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

When the occasion requires, Boogey, I can be quite determined.

squib said...

You should have taken pictures like Persey did

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Photos of what, Squib?

patchouligirl said...

I got home from shopping yesterday and soon realised the Victorian fire victims memorial service was on every channel. That was fine, but I think a national day of mourning every year for the Victorian fire victims is a bit over the top.

Fad MD said...

I really don't think I've seen much that would rival Costello's behaviour for sheer destructive self-indulgence.

Oh, and Mrs Fad brought home this month's Expat ladies' drinking/book club book. Turns out it's one of Ms Alderson's and as I had not read her work, other than through the critiques on this site's predecessor, I thought I'd give it a burl. So I sat down while the kids were asleep and thought I'd knock off a few chapters. I woke up an hour later covered in drool.

squib said...

Photos of crap park and arse and so forth

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, good point Squib.

Didn't even think of taking photos of the crap park.

And nobody wants to see my bum.

Except for The Boy, who rushes over when I step out of the shower and slaps my buttocks like he's playing the bongos.

He gets a pretty good rhythm, too.

squib said...

PS. Everyone, my new swivel chair is splendid

*weeeeeee*

Melba said...

I hate Docklands and would rather be tied down and tortured in any number of ways than go to that souless, souless place.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Prior to last week, I would have agreed with you Melba.

But New Quay isn't too bad in a very touristy, sort-of-way.

I also had some of the best Turkish/Middle Eastern food I've ever had in my life.

And I've been eating Turkish/Middle Eastern food for many, many years now.

My special hatred is reserved for St Kilda.

Melba said...

Well isn't that funny, cause that's where I live.

Hmmm. In its defence I only ever hang at the Paris end of Fitz and the hill, and avoid lower St K (Acland St) like the plague.

Is New Quay the bit on the right if you face the Bolte? The bit which has been there the longest?

Where did you get the Turkish food?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

For the life of me, Melba, I can't remember its bloody name.

Melba said...

Not Mecca Bar or something like that?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Mecca Bah - that's the one.

Eat there before it's burnt down by Islamic extremists, or something.

Melba said...

Wow, is the food that deconstructed?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You know how touchy those cunts are about anything vaguely "Mecca" themed.

And it serves Coopers

Which, I understand, is a bit of a no-no.

Boogeyman said...

Lemme guess - it also has a big picture on the wall of Mohammed in heaven turning away suicide bombers saying "Stop, stop, we have run out of virgins".

Fad MD said...

Hey Squib, I'd be careful...


http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2009/02/boy_killed_anally_when_office_chair_explodes-2.html

Melba said...

Coopers = western imperialist infidel brew.

Efes Pilsen = approved by the Islamics with big guns and bombs.

wari lasi said...

"Docklands" just doesn't sound appealing. Darling Harbour is already taken but you have to admit it sounds much more alluring that Docklands. I have a vision of huge smelly wharfies at the early opener after night shift.

As I mentioned earlier about the vegies, it's all about nomenclature.

Perseus said...

Pony Girl and I did 5 days' work at Docklands recently, and discovered that one of its biggest problems is 'too many chiefs'. It is 'run' by a combination of City of Melbourne, Ports of Melbourne, Docklands Authority and ING. You may have noticed the brickwork under your feet changing colour Ramon and thought it may have been an attractive pattern thing, but in actual fact, it's demarcation lines. Once, there were hoons smashing glasses on the tan bricks, and the security on the white bricks only ten metres away couldn't stop them because it wasn't their territory.

And there's no shade.
And food is too expensive.
And the wind comes in too hard.

And the statue of Tex Perkins is meant to be John Farnham.

squib said...

Fad thanks, joy now replaced with extreme alarm

patchouligirl said...

Did anyone else watch Top Gear in Vietnam last night? Best laugh I've had in ages - I hope they show it again.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Did it feature chunks of metal flying up people's buttoms, Patchie?

patchouligirl said...

It featured Jeremy Clarkson and a couple of mates travelling on vintage bikes through Vietnam in ridiculous costumes and helmets. One bike ended up painted hot pink with a model spanish galleon strapped to the back, Clarkson was on a vespa, another guy had a colander for a helmet. In the end they had to convert the bikes into makeshift jetskis for the final leg of the journey. The whole thing was deliciously ridiculous.

squib said...

I hate that show with a passion

wari lasi said...

Did anyone else watch Top Gear in Vietnam last night?

Yep. It was great except that it usurped Southpark!! The funny boat things they made at the end were a hoot.

Apparently it's one of the most popular shows in the UK. But then again, they still watch Prisoner over there.

patchouligirl said...

I'm no car enthusiast so I don't usually watch Top Gear and can't really compare it with the other episodes. Jeremy Clarkson really makes me laugh though and the whole thing was so funny, the bikes, the outfits, the steak and chips pommies trying to eat local food, the 'inappropriate' reserve bike that they kept showing when a breakdown appeared imminent, the 'presents' and their demise, the 50 rear vision mirrors and flashlight headlight on Jeremy Clarkson's bike - I haven't laughed like that in ages.