I thought I would ask for your contributions for Worst Present Ever Received, as I'm pretty sure a lot of you received some pretty craptastic gifts this year. Yes, it's the thought that counts, but that's exactly it. It's the thought that counts. I hate receiving presents where the person has put absolutely no thought into it at all. If they're going to do that, they may as well just give me a card with a scratchie or lottery ticket in it or something.
You can also usually tell when someone doesn't like you by what they give you as a present. Case in point. I was once given a tea towel and a 10 year old bar of Nutrimetics soap for my birthday from my partner's parents. At that stage, I thought it was just because they didn't know me very well. How wrong I was. This Christmas they gave me... you are not going to believe this... a packet of paper serviettes with Christmas motifs on them. I shit you not. Even if I was the sort to use paper serviettes, I couldn't use them until next year anyway.
So, can you beat that?
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I gave my sister two used comics that originally belonged to her.
In my defence, I was eight years old.
Oh, and
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear WitchOne
Happy Birthday to yooooooou.
I was once given, by a girlfriend, a pair of second hand stockings. They were still wrapped in their packaging, but clearly were not "recently" purchased. My own parents usually commit great crimes of present giving, with 2008 reaching an all time low when they gave me a picture of themselves. Pixie-Photo Style.
Witchie, would you like a pair of second-hand comic books?
Happy birthday Witchie! Hope it's a good one and you get lots of awesome presents. And a new necklace.
I couldn't form words Witchy... I was too busy trying to put out cigarettes in my eyes.
(And happy 21st...!)
Happy birthday Witchy.
they may as well just give me a card with a scratchie or lottery ticket in it
There is a rule in our family that once you turn 21, this is the only thing you ever get for birthdays and Christmases. Makes shopping a breeze.
From my boyfriend at the time - a sheet. Not a set of sheets, a single sheet. I dumped him soon after - not because he was cheap (which he was), but because he clearly had no imagination.
Where did he get just one sheet from, kitten? That's bizarre.
But I still think I'm winning with my $2 paper serviettes.
Ah Puss what if they're collectibles? Next time 'Antiques Roadshow' comes to your town be sure to get them checked out; they could go from the world's shittest present to the world's shit-hottest.
Trust me, they're not. I saw the same ones in Coles for $1.98.
I never buy anyone a lottery ticket. Even a scratchie. I mean what if they won? Did you really want to give them $25,000?
I didn't think so.
Puss, it seems to me they have put quite a bit of thought into being thoughtless. Are you sure they don't have "Stay the fuck away from our son" printed on the back?
And Happy Birthday Witchie. You won't be getting a lottery ticket from me, don't worry. I do hope your man is enough to sort out your necklace debacle though.
Quite so, Wari.
Puss, I don't think your partner's parents like you very much.
What did you get them?
Wari, that's the only reason I can think of why they keep giving me crap presents.
And to think, I got his mother a Tiffany coin purse this year! Next year, I'm saving my money and buying her a Mars Bar or something.
My Wife has a new friend she made at the Gym. She is around a hell of a lot these days. I'm always cooking for her or accomodating her visits somehow. My wife talks to her about me all the time.
For Christmas the friend gave me a Whiskey sampler, china platters for poker night snacks to go on, crystal whiskey glasses and shot glasses. Her teenage daughter and BF got me a bottle of premium Johnny Walker.
I forgave them the Johnny Walker.
Oh I'm sorry, I seem to have misread the intention of your post. How remiss of me.
PS. My friend from Canada Sea mailed me Maple Syrup infused scotch. It's like drinking from an angels vagina.
Maybe when I'm 45 and divorced and heading for Cougar Town, Witchie. How old will he be in 17 years?
RG - *blows raspberries*
Six members of my family stayed with me for seven days.
For Christmas I got a headache.
My Dad was quite generous this year and got me a new digital camera and adobe photoshop elements. It was the only thing that has gone right this Christmas; My husband seems to have found a new interest trying to embarrass me in front of friends/family at every opportunity; there's a plague of ground fleas in the backyard because of all the rain; my 2 yr old has bites all over his legs and can't use the backyard and one of the dogs has an aural haematoma which is probably a result of a flea bite. He goes in for surgery tommorrow with a $450 bill to fix it. Because it has rained for the last week and a half we've not been able to do anything outside or solve the flea problem. I wanted to go away camping for a night or two but this depends on whether the rain stops and whether we need to be on 'bucket' watch with the dog. I can't believe a simple thing as a week of rain can cause such a chain of catastrophe but I suppose they have a much bigger problem with it in the NW of NSW right now.
You have my sympathies PG. Flea infestations are no fun at all. I just hope it isn't followed by an influx of ticks.
The time Molly went down with a tick it was a $500 vets bill to bring her back from death's door. Fortnightly Advantix or Frontline costs over $10 per dog but we do it especially in Spring/Summer.
I was contemplating giving the dog a can of beer as bush anasthetic and getting hubbie to hold him down while I drained the blood out of his ear with a syringe but the vet reckons it won't work for this large a haematoma so he's escaped home surgery. It was a close thing though, $450 would buy a weekend away. When I left the vet I overheard the next patient - "yes, he's eaten one of grandma's socks" and thought at least my dog isn't that stupid. I wonder if a sock can travel through the digestive system of a maltese terrier without getting stuck?
I don't know about a sock, but I've seen numerous plastic bags travel through the digestive systems of dogs. I guess it depends on whether it was a big wooly one or not.
I was thinking more about your 2yr old than your dog when I mentioned the ticks. I've got scars from having them dug out when I was about that age.
Gave: Coffee Machine
Recieved: 3 golf balls
So, can you beat that?
Yes, I believe I can.
My sister gave me this piece of crap.
This is an ashtray, Mr E?
Oh, I remember now, the AFP gave me a $250 speeding fine.
I mention it only because the officer said "Drive Safely and Merry Christmas".
Mr E - what on earth is that?
RG - Doesn't count. I'm a firm believer if you do something stupid (ie, speeding), then you can't complain when you get busted for it. I was once busted for driving in a transit lane. I think the officer was shocked I wasn't trying to get out of the fine. He seemed ready for an argument, and kept trying to start one. In the end I just told him to hurry up and give me the ticket so I could get to work.
Puss, Mars Bars are nice, so don't waste it on them. I'd suggest one of those hideous lace doilies that you can keep asking for years later why its not on the table. Or a pack of handkerchiefs - like anyone uses them anymore. Or the ugliest thing you can find in a Salvos shop...
Puss and Ramon,
Yes, it's an ashtray. When I opened it I assumed it was a gag gift and my real present would appear after everyone had had a good laugh.
But No.
Also, "Thanks, This will come in handy if I ever have a garage sale!" was not the correct reaction.
Or a pack of handkerchiefs - like anyone uses them anymore.
I'm amazed to hear this. What is everyone using these days to catch mucus or blood or mop their brow or clean their glasses or wipe their hands or pick up small amounts of liquid... I never have less than 3 on my person at any one time.
A sensible post from Kitten.
How very disturbing.
Do you smoke, Mr E?
Kitten - I just thought of one better! Paper doilies!
Do you smoke, Mr E?
Yes, Puss I do.
I also shit. So a roll of toilet paper would have been an equally practical gift, and at least I'd know how to safely dispose of it.
What is needed, of course, is an ashtray with a toilet-roll holder built in.
That way you could have a quiet smoke while having a crap.
But at least the ashtray holds some purpose for you. I'm still not sure what I was expected to do with a pack of Christmas serviettes. Particularly as Christmas was over before I received them.
Ramon, my stepfather had just such a contraption in our house.
A man of rare taste and breeding, obviously Puss.
I tell my family what I want and I tell them to give me a list of what they want.
No creativity but no fuckups.
Thinking about it, it's kind of pointless too.
I'm sure he'd agree with you, Ramon.
I worded up all my family that I really needed cash/vouchers this Xmas to get organised for my trip & do you know what my mum got me?
A 2010 diary (pfft, I'm a stationery nerd, I bought one of those months ago) & three tubs of body butter (exactly how dry does she think my skin is?!).
Sigh.
But, yeah, Christmas serviettes would have been much crappier.
Mum gave me talc. I don't use talc - it makes a mess. I tossed it in the bin the same day.
Really bad presents leave mental scars. Case in point - this was about 30 years ago - my grandparents gave me a stackhat when they were first released. And no one was wearing them, not the least because they weren't yet compulsory. Not one other person wore one, possibly ever. And it was one of the foul yellow ones. Jesus. And my sister got a pink one, which was slightly less mortifying. My parents already made me have a fluoro orange safety flag on the back of my bike... were they deliberately trying to get me run down out of sheer dagginess with the stackhat/flag combo?
Oh the trauma. Nonetheless, paper serviettes still 'win', Puss. I feel for you. And for my friend, who got paper plates and a tea towel from her sister-in-law and brother-in-law. Who tried to excuse it by saying the paper plates were from France.
And happy birthday WitchOne! Hopefully you'll get a good pressie...
Oh, and Ramon? According to the SBS doco on earlier tonight, you just infringed copyright with the Happy birthday thing. Ummmm-maaaa!
Paper plates and a tea towel? Wow. That is certainly crap. I think that might tie my paper serviettes.
A picture of carrots & parsley for our wedding
A pot-pourri keyring
Soap/Lotion/Bath salts - why do people keep giving this crap as gifts? I have a cupboard and several drawers full of the stuff. If people genuinely have no imagination in terms of buying gifts how about sticking to a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, a gift voucher ... its not that hard people!
Soap is useful.
Alcohol is better.
On a post Christmas catch up last night, my friends told me of a newer style of Kris Kringle (sp?). Say there are 10 of you, and the gift cost is $20. You assemble and lay out the wrapped gifts and draw lots from 1 to 10. No. 1 picks out a gift, opens it, or not, (this makes the whole thing more fraught) and then No.2 picks from the pile, or says, that's nice No. 1, I'll have that. Then 3 has a go. Outcomes, apart from reducing adults to children again, include people craftily getting possession with their own esoteric present, or the piece of crap some cheap bastard brought. This is a source of some public humiliation as said cheap-bastard watches everyone desperately try to swap that crap for something, anything. I may not have got the rules straight, but I was very amused to hear how it went in a large school with a group of 45 teachers with a $15 limit.
Puss, don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with you re: getting a ticket. I said to the officer "because I wasn't paying attention" and that was that.
I mention it because he said "Merry Christmas". It's, like, a bit of a smart ass thing to say eh?
And now I've explained the joke it's ruined. Or maybe it was a crap joke.
Catlick the rules are:
- everyone draws a number out of an envelope
- in numerical order you get to pick one of the kris kringle presents
- all presents must be opened and displayed to everyone in the room
- once everyone has a present you draw another number out of a second envelope
- in numerical order you then either swap the present you got with anyone else's in the room, or you can choose to pass and keep the present you got.
The aim is to get the last number in the second draw as then you get to pick and keep the best present. Its interesting as some presents get swapped over and over much to each owners' dismay, and its always funny to see which ones people get stuck with.
There is a version of the game that's closer to what Catlick originally stated, where there is only one draw and everyone has to gamble between unwrapping a present or stealing somebody else's already unwrapped present. That's the way the teachers around here seem to play it at their end-of-year parties (two thirds of my family are teachers). It's also referred to as "Secret Santa".
RG: Ohh. I'm a bit slow, you see.
Alex, if everyone in turn chooses to take the first few presents rather than opening their own, how and when do the other presents get distributed and opened?
Kitten, anyone without a present gets another go. The game continues until everybody has something, at which point, all the presents should be distributed. Conceivably, a game could go on forever with a single present being stolen indefinitely, but most people will get fed up at some point and just move things along.
That's the way I understand it anyway. I only hear about these things second hand. It's just that I have to hear about them every single year.
Kitten I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think Secret Santa is something you would enjoy.
Ergh, I loathe the christmas present swapping thing. The way my work plays it is names goes in a hat, your name gets drawn and you can either choose and unwrap a present or take one already unwrapped by someone else. If your present gets taken then your name goes back in the hat. No one ever abides by the $10 limit except the new people who don't know any better, because people want the thrill of seeing their present endlessly claimed. It was held this year inbetween lunch and dessert/coffee, and it took 90 min because a couple of people decided to spin it out for as long as they possible could. By the end I was getting ready to beat someone to death with the set of mugs I received. This is what you get at a workplace where almost no one drinks. Painful painful fun.
That's what I was thinking, that it could possibly go on forever. The way we play it its over quite quickly and we can all get back to eating and drinking.
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