Tuesday, January 5, 2010

New Year's Resolution

God I love this photo. I understand her. She's me, but a chick.

I've made some New Year's Resolutions. I've never made any before, but I find life rather unsatisfactory at the moment and something has to give. My December: Jeez. I had a 20 year old German backpacker living with me. She turned up late November at a party at my house. At 6am, drugged and wild, I took a girl I fancied to my bed. I had been trying to seduce her for months. When we got in to my bedroom, we found another girl already in there. "Oh," said the stranger, "I needed somewhere to sleep." She stayed for six weeks. The girl I fancied got into bed with me that night, but never came back. Well, she said she would, as long as nobody would ever know and I did not agree to this condition. I could've had a secret girlfriend. Anyway, the German. She stayed for six weeks. We had a grope two nights before she left, drunk, on the beach, under Pleiades. I thought, "I always leave these things too late."

Oh, I also went on a date with a semi-famous singer during in late December. She said she was tired and wouldn't last past 9.30pm. At 2am she said, "Would you like to come back to my house for coffee?" "Yes, I would," I said. We got back to her house and she turned on the kettle.

Then my family moved in the day the German left. Middle sister doesn't like Mum. Mum doesn't like Dad. It set off a virus of manners. Nobody spoke out of turn because if they did there'd be a fight. "It is a little colder than yesterday," one would say. "Yes, it is, but tomorrow may even be colder," another would say. I sat in my courtyard and smoked cigarettes, thinking about the cricket.

The day my family moved out, six friends moved in. New Year's Eve was meant to be an orgy. I had invited Miss Flatmate down, but one of my friends doesn't like her and he actually rang her and told her not to come. I said to him, "Well, you cancelled my date. Your job is to get me a replacement date." He had four days to do so, and failed.

There were 19 people at my house NYE. Nine couples and me. I rang the German. She said, "I hate Sydney. I should have stayed with you."

The houseguests left yesterday, and last night was the first time I slept in my house alone since November 21.

I sat watching Antonioni's 'Blow Up' and something about Jane Birkin's tits perhaps motivated me to appreciate things more. I sat with a pencil and paper and wrote...

1. Get fit.
2. Work harder.

I figure, if I do those two things, I will like myself more, and other good things will fall into place. I have booked a Personal Trainer. He is coming to my house tomorrow night, and he will be $50 a session.

I start work full time tomorrow as well, and I will work harder than before.

I need a l/wife.


WitchOne said...

Wow. No wonder we haven't seen much of you.

Being practically married with 2 kids, I do envy your orgy opportunities. No, I know you didn't get to follow through but, see above, this means I haven't any of teh sexiness these days.


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm glad you're back Pers. because I have a question to ask - and please tell me to back off if you think it's too personal.

Looking back over your life; your travels, your loves, the books you've read and the bands you've seen - do you think Punter was wrong choose to bat?

Perseus said...

I used the term 'orgy' loosely, Witch. I was hoping to at least get a tonguey on New Year's. Alas, I made sure everyone had drinks, and emptied ashtrays.

Did I just say 'tonguey'?

Perseus said...

How dare you Ramon.

Of course he was right to bat. Even Steve Waugh said so.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...


wari lasi said...

Crap. It was a fucked idea to bat. The only time he chooses to bat is when he doesn't force the follow on, and even then it's mostly a crap idea.

Pers, email me. I have much material for which you can ridicule me. I'm silly I know, but maybe you need it.

Perseus said...

I can't ridicule you in public Wari.

I like to ridicule myself anyway.

Oh - forgot to mention, at my party (which was out of control) I walked in on my ex (Suicide Girl) having sex with the violin player from my band. I laughed and laughed.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You invited Suicide Girl down to your party?

She must have calmed down a bit then.

Perseus said...

It was a band party. We played a gig in my front yard at 2pm. We invited out best fans down (she is one of them). We were supposed to play for an hour but the cops raided.

Then there was an all night party, and half the town came along. I lost control of it. There was meant to be just my band (8) plus the 16 fans... that makes 24 people. I reckon there was 60 people in my house at 2am. There were drugs. People were crying. people were having sex. People danced and smashed things. Over 20 stayed in my house, sleeping on whatever floorspace they could find. At 6am, when I managed to seduce the girl and we found another girl in my bed who neither of us knew, it really didn't seem that odd.

It was that kind of night.

Suicide Girl has not calmed down at all. Aside from shagging my bandmate, she also threatened to stab two girls, and then announced she was going to the beach (at 4am) never to return.

She returned though.

Lewd Bob said...

Sounds interesting.

Meanwhile, I am posting my 'Best of' CDs today. Expect them by end of week those that are expecting them at all.

Of those who said they'd like one but haven't yet provided me with their address, do not expect one unless you provide me with your address.

Hang on! Your violinist got with a chick? But he's more gumbified than you!

Perseus said...

Oh he's gumbified. But they were both on drugs, and I said to him, "SG wants to have sex with you," (I made it up) and he said, "Okay," and then I told SG that I wasn't going to have sex with her but he wanted to have sex with her and she said, "Okay," (got over me quickly enough) and then she walked up to him and kissed him and away they went.

Like I said, it was that sort of night.

patchouligirl said...

Ha! So you've come crawling back to us begging to have your love life scrutinised and assessed? Maybe we're not interested. Maybe we've moved on. Oh okay who am I kidding bring it on.

My only question is regarding this fitness plan. Are you going to finance the personal trainer by doing the single most beneficial thing you can for your fitness . . giving up the durries?

Bruce said...

Rubbish Witchy - your boobs looked spectacular today.

It was a dumpling frenzy.

Lewd Bob said...

I understand her. She's me, but a chick.

Do you have a selection of dildos on your bed too?

Perseus said...

Just the one, Lewd Bob.

Just the one.

WitchOne said...

Bruce, I saw "Rubbish Witchy - you looked spectacular today."

Went to respond about the puppies being out and reread your post.

Apparently I can't handle the margaritas like I used to.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeeeee.....

Oh, and thanks Bruce. :-) xxxx

For lunch too.

Pers. Why weren't we invited?? While I have never heard your band, I count myself among your biggest fans because I'm a fan of YOU! (yeah, take that.)

(no, I don't want to sleep with you, relax sunshine)

Dr. Golf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Golf said...

You don’t need a personal trainer.

1. Sign up for a half marathon being held in a few months time. Make sure it’s expensive so you don’t pull out.
2. Every morning between your bed and the shower do as many pushups as you can. Aim to get to 100.
3. Run 3 times a week, as far as you can, going as slow as you can, listening to Creedence.
4. Eat whatever you want.
5. Do the half marathon.
6. Relax for the rest of the year.
5. Repeat every year.

Cath said...

So if that woman in the photo is you.. how do you account for the huge dildo on the bed in the picture?

Just asking...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You don't need a personal trainer.

1. Get up at 10 and have a nice fry-up and cup of tea for brekfast.

2. Read the paper while having a ciggie.

3. Lunch. Toasted cheese sandwich and it's after noon so why not have the first beer of the day.

4. Watch the cricket or if it's not on - read.

5. Dinner. Steak and a couple glasses of red.

6. After dinner ciggies.

7. It's been a full day, so why not wind down with a beer or three.

Done and dusted.

Perseus said...

Cath... I said she's me, but a chick. She's in a room, distraught, exhausted, surrounded by cheap but hip art and the remnants of an affair. She's dressed to the hilt. She's alone. She doesn't know what to do next. Sums up my year.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Of course he was right to bat

You may want to re-think that, Pers.

squib said...

1. Get fit.
2. Work harder.

Your 2010 sounds fun, fun, fun

Happy New Year, Persey

eat my shorts said...

She's in a room, distraught, exhausted, surrounded by cheap but hip art and the remnants of an affair. She's dressed to the hilt. She's alone. She doesn't know what to do next. Sums up my year.

I assumed she faced the problem every woman faces in a hotel room in front of her own suitcase - discovering that she's got nothing to wear.

Either that, or she bought too many shoes and now can't find a decent spot in her suitcase for the dildo.

I mean, let's face it. We've ALL been there, haven't we?

Desci said...

Forgive me, I never have time to read the comments anymore:

1. What happened to Obtuse-a?
2. What else have I missed that's been buried in the comments over the last few months?!

eat my shorts said...

What else have I missed that's been buried in the comments over the last few months?!

Melba's making limoncello.

There's been some cricket talk.

Desci said...

Mmmm, limoncello. Anything else?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Apart from the cricket talk, Dess?

My photo of Tony Abbott in his budgie smugglers seem to have got quite a few people all hot and bothered.

I don't think it was lust, tho'.