Qantas. Part eleventy billion.

The latest addition to the Qantas fleet.

I know I don’t expect much from the Canberra Gallery these days. But I would have hoped that even the dimmest hack’s reaction to repeated claims from the Opposition about the crisis at Qantas that “the Government should have stepped in earlier” would have been to ask “ummm… why?”

The dispute, before the management of the airline grounded the entire fucking Qantas fleet, was grinding slowly towards a resolution- as the industrial umpire Fair Work Australia has already noted.

Nor was there any wide-scale disruption to the travelling public, until management’s little dummy-spit.

Qantas management grounded the fleet. The Government went to Fair Work Australia, who ordered management to un-ground it*.

Which they did.

I fail to see the problem.

My boss at the union where I worked as an organiser had a saying, along the lines of “every industrial dispute gets resolved eventually”.

This was happening in Qantas. For the Opposition to now claim that the Government should intervene in an industrial dispute because of…stuff… suggests their grasp of industrial reality on the ground is somewhat less than through.

* They also ordered the unions to suspend their industrial action. Which I rather suspect was the whole point of this caper**.

** I also rather suspect this is akin to trimming your toenails with a shotgun, but I’m not the one being paid the big bucks.

The Bali Report

Could you point me in the direction of the postcard rack?

The Missus, the kid and I returned to Melbourne on Saturday from a week in Bali. We had a lovely time thanks. While there, I pondered the place, its inhabitants and visitors.

Bali has a bit of a reputation as an Aussie bogan destination (rounding out the top 3 with Phuket and the Gold Coast). This is partly true. There are many Aussie bogans there. Many. Barreling through all cultural convention sporting Bintang singlets, board shorts and braided hair. Fortunately, the vast majority are confined to either Kuta or Kerobokan prison. And it's easy to avoid them.

Like in all countries, the best thing to do to avoid the tourists traps and the bogans is to actually turn down a side street once in a while. Or travel to some village or town that isn't listed in the glossy pamphlets or the Lonely Planet. Or hire a bike and pedal through regions seemingly unexplored by western tourists. This is greatly rewarded in Bali as there is an abundance of brilliant things to see: isolated beaches, fascinating Hindu temples, food markets, fishermen, farmers, mountains, volcanoes, rice terraces, jungles and monkeys. And people just going about their business.

This man wasn't in Lonely Planet but we found him anyway

Now I'm not suggesting that we didn't live it up to some extent, or that I'm one of those hardcore travellers who sleeps in some rat infested shack on a lonely beach smoking joints and only eats food cooked by a wizened old Balinese man who speaks no English other than 'Mister' and makes a mean nasi campur. In fact we stayed in some lovely hotels with pools, restaurants and laundry service. After all, we had a 5 year old boy with us whose ideal holiday consisted of playing with his action figures in the shallow end.

A monkey considering a dive with a 5.5 degree of difficulty

There are some annoyances. Mainly the hassle factor.

"Taxi?"

"No."

"Tomorrow maybe?"

"No."

"Good price."

"The price doesn't matter if I don't actually want one."

"Best price."

"Again, irrelevant."

"Where are you going?"

"I wouldn't consider that your business."

"Taxi?"

"We just did this."

And then there's the laborious haggling.

"One hundred and fifty thousand rupiah sir."

"How about 70 thousand?"

"No sir. I cannot make money at that price. 100,000."

"80,000." (Going through the motions.)

"Oh sir, my last price is 90,000."

"85,000".

"Ok."

Why can't they just put a price on it?

The locals react to poor haggling skills

Interestingly, during the return flight, on September 11, I managed to watch a documentary on the September 11 terrorist attacks on the in-flight channel. This included various shots of planes smashing into buildings. Fortunately my son was busy breaking records on Angry Birds.

You put your left foot in...the pot

Rules for Safe Flying

Captain Ardoz cops a fine for parking on the nature strip

Please be aware that flying is much safer than driving a car. Many more deaths occur through standard usage of earthbound vehicles than through normal usage of aeroplanes. Planes rarely fall from the sky or crash into objects such as buildings, mountains or other planes without a rather grand explanation.

Please also note the following list which outlines several other means of dying which are statistically more likely than death by flying:

- heart attack
- earthquake
- snakebite
- the use of power tools
- industrial accidents
- suicide by various means
- watching The Nanny
- shooting
- stabbing
- backgammon*

However, to further minimise your chances of the termination of life while on the aeroplane, please adhere to the following rules. These will also enhance other passengers' enjoyment of the flight:

1. Do not jump from the plane at any stage, unless it is still on the tarmac and preferably stationary or moving at a very slow rate.
2. Do not shoot any pistols, revolvers, rifles or other firearms or detonate any ordnance of any kind while in the cabin. If a bullet must be fired, please ensure it lodges in a seat, a passenger or the food cart.
3. Do not eat the fish, even if the stewards encourage you to do so, or indicate its safety by eating a bit first.
4. While in the cockpit, please avoid touching buttons, switches or the pilot unless specifically instructed to do so by the pilot or somebody wearing his hat.
5. Do not attempt to open a window as these are usually fixed. If the plane gets hot, try fanning yourself, fanning the person next to you or removing articles of clothing, preferably your own.
6. Do not attempt maintenance on doors or windows, even if they appear to be malfunctioning. Opening doors can be dangerous and should only be done under strict supervision and preferably only for a short period of time at cruising altitude or by a two thirds majority of business class.
7. Do not fly in an aeroplane piloted by a child, a drunk or an animal. If the plane is captained by a woman, it is usual to enquire whether the plane will need to be reverse parked.
8. If the pilot appears to be distracted (e.g. eating popcorn, reading non-aviation magazines or studying the aeroplane's instruction manual), you should assume the 'brace' position for the entirety of the trip.
9. Do not attempt to 'pop the hood' as this can cause immediate depressurisation.
10. If the plane crashes in water, be first to the door to ensure a good spot on the raft.
11. If the plane crashes on land in an isolated location, collect any food available to ensure you will not have to eat other passengers.
12. Do not play any sports during the flight, especially football, rugby and javelin.
13. If the passenger adjacent to you is snoring with his/her mouth open, do not be tempted to pop peanuts into his/her mouth, as he/she may be allergic.
14. Do not bring dangerous animals onto the plane unless they have their own ticket.
15. Do not rub up against any other passengers if you have a contagious skin disease.
16. Do not invite fascists, dictators or tyrants such as Stalin, Hitler or Mussolini onto the plane, as they tend to upset others.
17. If a doctor is called for, don't pretend to be a doctor, paramedic or pharmacist if you are not one. If you are a doctor of meteorology, mathematics or literature, these are almost certainly not the types of doctors required. In the rare case that a patient is dying of lack of understanding of the weather/trigonometry/the complete works of Pushkin, your services may be required.

Have a pleasant trip and thanks for flying Garuda.

Regards,

Untung.


* factually incorrect