Oh Aardman, you've done it again!

Fuck, this film was funny.

As the father of an eight year old, I've seen a lot of kids' movies* so it was interesting of late to come across two interesting examples of the genre**; one shit-hot and the other just shit.

The less said about Dr Seuss' The Lorax, the better; a soulless exercise in marketing and merchandise.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits, on the other hand, had a wildness of imagination that all the best kids' films have. It was though the makers thought "yeah, bugger it, let's whack that in" to every crazy idea that came up.

Charles Darwin as a girl-obsessed, cowardly schlub? "Why not!"

A chase scene where a bath-tub full of pirates pursue Darwin and his monkey butler down a flight of stairs, after Darwin stole the last dodo? "Makes sense to me!"

Jane Austen throwing a beer stein at the Elephant Man? "Absolutely!"

And after The Pirates! Band of Misfits, I watched a film I recorded earlier about Nazi zombies.

What a top night!

* And I mean a loooooooooot of kids' films.

** Ooooh, high-brow.

Rise of the Planet of the Shite.

"Get me my agent! NOW!!

At some point, while watching Tim Burton’s over-long, ponderous 2001 film Planet of the Apes, I turned to my wife and whispered, “You know, I don’t think Tim Burton is the artistic genius he’s made out to be”.

It was not so much a “the Emperor has no clothes” moment, but more of a “the Emperor has no clothes and appears to have soiled himself” moment.

This latest, lazy, trip down memory lane is brought to you by the news that the prequel, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, is about to hit our shores.

To be fair, the prequel is made by somebody else and is said to be much better than Planet of the Apes but fair dinkum, I could have filmed my cat, asleep in front of the heater for four hours with an ape mask on her, and it would have made a more amusing film than Planet of the Apes*.

Let’s all give any ape-related films a miss – shall we?

* And nobody said “Get your hands off her, you dirty ape”**.

** Or even “Damn you! Damn you all! You blew it all to hell!”

Ripped off!

This just in - Waterworld still shit.

You're a baldy git, Costner.

You know those films, those big budget flops that mature over time and become half-way decent.

I’m here to report that I watched Waterworld on one of the digital channels the other night and it was still shit.

The cat wandered in half-way and you could tell by the body language that even she thought it was shit.

So I stayed up until Dennis Hopper appeared, then went to bed.

Verdict – it was shit.

Apart from Dennis Hopper

The Films of PT Anderson

PT Anderson? Where have I heard that name?

Paul Thomas Anderson is known for his 'quirky' films featuring ensemble casts and lots of camera movement. His style is reminiscent of Robert Altman (especially the ensemble cast and interweaving storylines of Magnolia), the Coen Brothers (the use of 'regular' actors, idiosyncratic characters and sometimes bizarre narratives) and even the great Stanley Kubrick.

I highly recommend seeing them all, several times, if you haven't already.

Hard Eight or Sydney (1996)

Underrated and little seen it stars, among others, Samuel L Jackson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Philip Baker Hall, Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C Reilly. An interesting plot featuring gambling, betrayal, murder and other good stuff.

Boogie Nights (1997)

Boogie Nights launched him into the mainstream consciousness to some extent. Starring Burt Reynolds and big-dicked Mark Walhberg (in a Quentin Tarantino-like casting move) it's a behind the scenes look at the porn industry of the 1970s. It also stars Luis Guzman, William H Macy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and John C Reilly.

Magnolia (1999)

Starring Tom Cruise, Julianne Moore and, um, oh William H Macy, Philip Baker Hall, Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C Reilly, this is the classic Altman-esque interweaving storylines film. Great stuff. Cruise is fantastic playing a misogynistic motivational speaker.

Punch Drunk Love (2002)

Another superb casting choice where Adam Sandler proves he can act in something other than a LCD (Lowest Common Denominator) comedy. This is a terrific film with some fine set pieces, again underrated and often, disappointingly, maligned. Probably because Adam Sandler fans tuned in for some crazy fart-joke hijinks.

Philip Seymour Hoffman's in this one, incidentally. So is Luis Guzman. So is Emily Watson.

There Will Be Blood (2007)

You won't find Philip Seymour Hoffman, John C Reilly, Luis Guzman or Philip Baker Hall in this one. But you will find, in every single fucking riveting scene, a fucking mesmerising Daniel Day fucking Lewis.

This is brilliant and was released in a year that also saw the release of No Country for Old Men, making that year, 2007, fucking great. Fuck.

The conclusion? Luis Guzman needs a middle name.

Gay zombie porn? Why of course!

Not a gay zombie.

In what I’m sure will come as a bitter blow to – say - Desci, the Australian censor has banned a work described as ''gay zombie porn'' from screening at the Melbourne International Film Festival, the first time this has happened in seven years.

The Age notes;

Festival director Richard Moore received a letter yesterday from the Film Classification Board director Donald McDonald, stating that L.A. Zombie, the latest offering from Canadian provocateur Bruce LaBruce, could not be screened as it would in his opinion be refused classification.

Mr LaBruce (possibly not his birth name) notes

In a media release marking the start of production on L.A. Zombies in May last year, LaBruce said: ''Not unpretentiously, I consider myself not so much a pornographer, as an artist who works in porn.''

Indeed not, Mr LaBruce. In no way could this statement be considered pretentious.

The paper also comments;

There are full-frontal nude scenes and erect penises. The zombies have cucumber-shaped penises which are clearly prosthetic.

I’m pretty much an absolutist when it comes to freedom of speech and I can’t really see a reason why a film, clearly advertised as containing offensive content, should be banned but based on the information supplied thus far; I’ll probably give L.A. Zombie a miss.

On a happier note, Festival director Richard Moore has effectively told tiresome prick Ken Loach to “shove his latest dirge up his clacker”.

Good man.

Six films I'd actually pay good money to see.

Men who stare at coats.

The time traveller’s cat.

The hurt overhead luggage locker.

Malice in Wonderland.

Dear John, you’re a cunt.

The Wolfmensch.

My personal favourite though is that indie Australian film from a couple of years ago; whereby a band of backpackers struggle against a murderous psychopath armed only with their youthful vigour and a selection of medium priced Australian wines.

I refer, of course, to that terrifying film Wolf Blass Creek.

Perseus and Bob Make a Film - Day 5

The Valiant

I skipped days 2-4 because Perseus wasn't involved. However we were required to lure him away from his family for several hours just prior to Christmas so we could pick up some additional shots on the beach on day 5 - the final day.

The film is now in the can and has been submitted to tropfest. Will we be short-listed? I think there's a chance. Will we make the finals? Probably not.

A metaphor for the film-making process



Perseus hoping he has a hanky



Bob looking forward to savouring the cool feel of plastic while Perseus loses focus again

Bob wondering if fake blood comes out of polyester

Once a) the film has been rejected or b) Tropfest 2010 is all over, I will provide a link to the film if anybody's interested in seeing it.

Perseus and Bob Make a Film - Day 1

At 5am on Monday morning 7 disparate individuals headed out into the dry Victorian countryside around Little River. There, they bickered and argued for endless hours over every shot, every detail and every grimace recorded on camera. They were linked only by a common interest in making and/or watching movies.

It was their first day of shooting a short film about betrayal, greed and extreme violence. Here's a picture of Perseus driving a Valiant just prior to his character - Sinister Gangster - topping a hapless hitchhiker.

Perseus looking for the 'go' button

It wasn't all fun and games as several people contracted sunburn, everybody was required to eat 2 pies for lunch and coffee was difficult to procure in the region. Little River had missed the coffee revolution.

Shooting outside an abandoned house, Perseus was required to act.

Perseus requesting the make-up girl

There were many dangers encountered such as erratic drivers, speeding trains and the local redneck community.

The crew wondering what the red button does

I've included an art shot because it was the best I took on the day.

Fanta and Perseus heading to their trailers

It was a 14 hour day complicated by slow driving, rising tides and precarious cliffs.

Perseus doing a Clint Eastwood while a crew member tries out for the Birdman Rally

I lost my voice during the day as a result of shouting obscenities at everybody at every possible moment.

Bob ruing his inability to shout at the sound guy

Arty DVD Review Thursday

I hardly go to the films anymore. I live in a country town. It has a cinema and it's kinda cute, but it doesn't get movies until they are out on DVD. 'The Reader' opens here next week.

I did however see the Star Trek film last week. It was alright.

But my thing these days is watching DVDs which I buy on Amazon at very cheap rates, and I've started to build up quite an impressive collection of movies that nobody really cares about, even me.

I want to like Godard, Antonini and Fellini so that I can fit in at parties filled to the brim with filmy chattering classes, goatees and confident women who can wear dresses with spots, but a) I never get invited to these parties, and b) but I'm struggling to get what's so good about these directors anyway.

Can you go to a party with people who slept at Vali Myers' joint and know the difference between Surrealism and Dadaism, and say, "Oh, 'La Dolce Vita' wasn't as fun as 'Star Trek'?"

So anyway, I recently bought a shitload of arty DVDs in an attempt to get them.

First cab off the rank was a film called 'A Day At The Beach' and I figured I'd like it because it was written by Polanski in 1970 (now he's a favourite of mine that I can talk endless wank about), but he didn't direct it because his pregnant missus Sharon Tate was killed by the Manson Family and understandably he wasn't up for directing a flick. So, this honour was given to Simon Hesera. Never heard of him? Little wonder. This was his first and last film, and the reason for this is that it was directed horribly. I've seen better direction at Eastland Christmas Pantomimes. Like really really shithouse directing. Ham acting - on a par with Warwick Capper's performance in 'Neighbours', awful sound production, shit lighting and although the characters were stuck in the pouring rain, they seemed to be dry again at the start of every scene.

But despite the ham acting, bad production and the often convoluted script, the film was pretty good. It had that Polanski kook about it.

Bernard, an alcoholic, decides to take his estranged 8 year old daughter to the beach for the day in the pouring rain - (he promises his ex-wife he'll stay sober).

The film is all set on that day as Bernard gets drunker and drunker and drunker and drunker and he leaves his little girl outside the bars and pubs and leaves her in the rain and alone on the beach in the dark and in cars and he's rude to everyone and he steals and lies and it just gets worse and worse as the day goes on - kinda like Leaving Las Vegas, in that you want him to sober up but he just doesn't. But unlike Leaving Las Vegas, which was Hollywood schmaltz and where we feel pity for the soak, Polanski's script is realistic. Bernard is a cunt, and we mainly fear what will become of the daughter.

Although all characters and actors are very British, it wasn't set there, but I couldn't work out where. I saw some French, and then some Polish I think, and there were Swedish names in the cast/crew, and that made it all the more weird. If it was deliberate, then, wow, how arty! But if it was just shit location management, well, fuck 'em.

Star cameo for about two minutes by Peter Sellers as a creepy gay souvenir salesman (he steals the show in his brief scene... man, he's good) and the 8 year old girl was fucking awesome. Perhaps one of the best child-acting performances ever (up there with the Bicycle Thief* kid, and maybe the creepy kids in The Innocents**).

It is advertised as 'The Lost Roman Polanski Masterpiece' but I suspect the only reason that it was 'lost' is because Polanski or Paramount hid it in a shoebox somewhere. It really is badly made, but if you can get past the shit production qualities, it's a shockingly engaging film, and if anyone wants to borrow it, email me and I'll send it to you.

In the Polanski canon, it comes second last ('Pirates' with Walter Matthau being his worst film), but I argue that Polanski's second worst film is still better than watching 'So You Think You Can Dance'.

And more importantly, if I ever bump into Margaret or David, I now might have something to say.

//////

For anyone here not acquainted with Polanski - here's five films to see before you die.

Rosemary's Baby
Chinatown
Repulsion
The Pianist
The Tenant


*My favourite ever film
** One of my favourite horror films

Midweek Mad Geniuses: Peter Sellers

A zany, crazy and madcap actor beginning his career on TV (most notably on The Goon Show) before moving into film where he gave us brilliant performances in Dr Strangelove (possibly my favourite movie of all time*), Lolita, The Party, The Pink Panther and Being There.

He was a brilliant comedian and actor but was often described as ‘difficult’ by co-stars and directors (such as Blake Edwards and Orsen Welles) but particularly by his string of wives, at least one of whom – Britt Ekland – was beaten for her troubles. He has been described as unfaithful, cruel and demanding.

Sellers was uncomfortable being himself. He agreed to be interviewed by Michael Parkinson on the condition he could do the interview in character**. He walked on as a member of the Gestapo (don’t the English just LOVE to parody the Nazis***) but eventually became himself once he was comfortable. He did something similar when interviewed by Kermit the Frog.

He apparently suffered from depression, smoked cannabis and drank a lot.

He was also a Freemason.

In the tradition of Perseus, here's a picture of the author relaxing around the house after a good, hard blog:


* But could easily be 2001: A Space Odyssey

** Would have been the ideal blogger.

*** See Fawlty Towers, Dad’s Army and Prince Harry.

Stephen Elliott always struck me as a self-promoting pratt.

My memories of the year 1994 are a bit hazy owing, I suspect, to a lifetime of dedicated drinking. However one thing does vaguely stand out; if you wanted a night out watching an Australian film* there seemed to be only two real choices in 1994; The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert or Muriel’s Wedding.

I chose Priscilla and thus spent the evening locked in almost visceral rage** while all about me people were laughing like hyenas on nitrous oxide.

The fact that Priscilla’s director, Stephen Elliott, then made two critical and commercial flops and disappeared into a well deserved obscurity offered me a great degree of satisfaction.

Now, it seems, Mr Elliott is back.

And with a new film, Easy Virtue.

Bugger.

In a series of mostly puff pieces in the local media Mr Elliott claims that his nine year absence from the exciting world of cinema was due to his “self-destructive tendencies” or that he was “traumatised by being in New York during the 9/11 attacks”.

Really?

I think a more likely explanation is that he pissed a lot of other people’s money up against the wall making his two flops and people weren’t keen for that to happen again.

Apart from one or two local outlets, everybody else seems to regard Easy Virtue as possessing all the attractions of a piece of stinking fish so I suspect it may be some time before Mr Elliott pops up again.

*A mistake I won’t make again.

**Owing largely to its racism and misogyny. Oh and the fact that it was shit.

We can do better than this, surely?

Over the weekend, the Mrs and I managed to catch a film, Ghost Town, which was an absolute cracker, thanks largely to Ricky Gervais.

For reasons I have never fully understood, Mrs INH insists we arrive on time so we can watch the commercials. This means we also watch the shorts for coming films.

Which is how I was forced to watch the short for Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Thirty seconds into this nonsense, I could feel the will to live ebbing from me. As I understand it, Confessions of a Shopaholic details the zany life of the said “shopaholic”, played at some volume by Australian actress Isla Fisher. I further understand that the Fisher character works as a “columnist” at a financial magazine, a role she fills by shrieking and falling over a lot – thus conveying “zaniness” and what not.

Bugger me sideways with a stick, how did we reach this point? How is it that most of the female characters in romantic comedies are generally portrayed as thick as two short planks covered in butter? And why are female characters in films from the 1940s, not a decade noted for its feminist advances, far more subtle, complex and intelligent?

Take for example, the character of Hildy Johnson, played by Rosalind Russell in the 1940 film His Girl Friday*. Johnson, a female journo on a Chicago newspaper, is respected and admired by her colleagues because she’s bloody good at what she does – not because she shrieks and falls over a lot. She also gives as good as she gets in the cracking dialogue.

Or Barbara Stanwyck in the 1941 film, The Lady Eve. As a razor-sharp conwoman Stanwyck runs rings around everybody else. I don’t recall much shrieking and falling over in this film, either.

I think you can trace the “female journo as shrieking dickhead” to Candice Whatshername who wrote the original column Sex and the City was based on. Either way, it’s a pain in the bum.

Both His Girl Friday and The Lady Eve should be available at any half-way decent video shop. I recommend them both highly.

Confessions of a Shopaholic I’d give a wide berth.

*And quite possibly the funniest film ever made, in the history of the universe.

Some comedy themes never go out of fashion.

Each weekend, The Boy and I walk up to our local video shop and rent some kid’s DVDs.

This week’s selection included Garfield Two, in which an animated cat (with the voice of Bill Murray) trades amusing quips with less-animated actors – including Billy Connolly.

A key scene in this film features Mr Connolly being bitten on the arse by a wide variety of animals – which provoked screams of laughter from The Boy and the following conversation.

The Boy: “Look, look Dad; he’s being bitten on the bottom by that dog.”

Me: “Yes, Boy.”

TB: “On the bottom!!!!”

Me: “Yes, Boy.”

TB: “By that dog!!!”

Me: “Yes, Boy.”

TB: He’s a beastly man, isn’t he, Dad?”

Me: “He is indeed a beastly man, Boy.”

TB: “What’s that beastly man's name, Dad?”

Me: “His name is John Howard, Boy”

Mrs INH: “RAMON!!!”

Any film for the under-fives could feature just footage of people being bitten on the arse for an hour and a half and the audience could go away, well satisfied.

Who Writes The Headlines?

I saw in today's Age the headline: "Winslet panned for trivialising the Holocaust" and I thought, "Oh no, my equal with Natalie Portman number one hot actress chick has said something stupid... Noooooo!"

But when I went to the actual article to find out what my darling Kate said, I discovered that the headline had little to do with the news report.

What's actually happened is Kate Winslet appears in a film, along with probably hundreds of other actors, not to mention a support crew of hundreds, that one film critic suggests 'trivialises the holocaust'.

If you are to single out who is responsible for (allegedly) trivialising the holocaust, surely it would be the script-writer, or the producers who commissioned the script-writer, or maybe the director if s/he trivialises what would otherwise be a measured and earnest script. To create a headline inferring Kate Winslet is the perpetrator is clearly wrong.

And in any case, this is just one man's opinion. A film critic. Who of course is entitled to his opinion and may indeed be correct in asserting the film trivialises the holocaust.

Point is: Why didn't the headline reflect the story? It should have read, "Film Critic Suggests Movie Starring Kate Winslet Trivialises The Holocaust". I mean, I'd still read the article if that was the headline.

Lift your game, Fairfax.

In related news from the article, the film features Kate Winslet nude. Winslet. Nude. Oh I'll be seeing the movie and making my own boobs up on the assertion that the film boobs trivialises the boobs.

The AFI horror, the AFI horror!

So, the AFI Awards.

The “Red Carpet” segment of this nonsense with be hosted by… Julia Zemiro!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, God, the dilemma.

Normally I’d rather have my eyes gouged out by owls than sit through this but, you know, Julia Zemiro!!!!!!!!!!

I suppose I could just watch the “Red Carpet” segment, but do I really want to listen to the current crop of nominees?

But still.

Julia Zemiro!!!!!!!!!!

In related news, could the current bunch of films up for a gong get any lamer? I could film my cat engaged in her favourite pastime of slowly destroying my record collection and it would be up for 11 major AFI Awards.

Has anybody actually seen an AFI nominated film this Year?

Also,

Julia Zemiro!!!!!!!!!!

It came from Illinois

It's been said one of the best ways of judging the Zeitgeist* of any particular age is to look at the horror films it produces.

Certainly during the Bush era there were a spate of films (28 Days Later, War of the Worlds, Cloverfield, Sex and the City) which featured ordinary citizens as the victims of forces they cannot understand or control, malign beings that leap out of the darkness and rip your head off as you're going down to the shops to get some milk.

Which seems to sum up the Bush era rather nicely, come to think of it.

Now, with Obama heading to the White House and the Democrats in firm control of Congress, it will be interesting to see if this flows on to the entertainment industry.

We'll have to wait to see if Hollywood brings out a film in the near future, where some hideous alien comes from dimensions beyond and buys you a beer or something.

*Why does German have all the cool words? Zeitgeist, schadenfreude, angst, weltschmerz, blitzkrieg - all crackers.

Will the film Australia suck or what?

The omens do not bode well.

First – it’s taken 36 million years for Australia to make it to the screens (not that – you know – it’s actually on the screens yet). This suggests big, big problems in either the shooting or in post-production.

Second – it’s directed by Baz Luhrmann, this country’s most overrated film director*.

Third – it stars Nicole Kidman. The Nickster hasn’t had that flash a record of late – possibly because people take one look at that weird, blank mask her face has become and decided they’re not in the mood for a horror film.

Still, the Age is happy to puff the film, noting;

The movie will feature Nicole Kidman playing an uptight English aristocrat who is transformed by the country itself — albeit with a little help from the roguish charms of Hugh Jackman.

Oh God, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Fuck it Baz, why not through in a few more clichés, like the “noble savage” or an action set piece tacked on, like the Japanese bombing of Darwin.

Oh wait, you have. My apologies.

The Age says of the “visit Australia you cunts” films Baz has been shooting for Tourism Australia;

They all carry the message: "To find yourself sometimes you need to lose yourself. In Australia they call this going walkabout".

No, in Australia we call this “being a wanker”.

*Jane Campion doesn’t count, as she’s from New Zealand.

The day I endured Alison Stephenson

Hi all. I went to see a movie the other day. I didn't like it. It was dark and scary, whereas I like bright and happy kids' movies. Some parents who subjected their underage brats to it agreed. The end.

Don't like my movie reviews? Well feck you all, because it seems this standard is sufficient to get a gig writing for news.com, if Alison Stephenson's movie reviews are any indication.

Paid by her employer to attend the first Australian viewing of The Dark Knight, Alison gives us her imaginatively titled The day I endured the Dark Knight. Forboding an execrable, overhyped yawn-fest of a film, Alison instead spends most of the review telling us how much she dislikes scary movies, clowns, blood tests, superhero movies, dark themes, and sleeps with a night light after watching disturbing thrillers like Play School.

She doesn't fill us in on things like plot, character portrayal, subtext or potential for enjoyment by its intended audience, but apparently all those things are by-the-by for a movie review. First person impressions and subjective opinions are all that count.

She then caps it off with a quote from Sydney mother Laurina who took her 8 year old along to see it, was 'highly disturbed by the violent scenes' and spent much of the time covering her son's eyes, as an example of audience reaction. Why any parent would take such a young child along to an M-rated film described in most media reports as dark themed and psychologically disturbing is beyond me, but apparently such twits somehow represent TDK's intended audience.

I'd like to see The Dark Knight in the cinemas, but probably will never get the chance, since I really can't justify $60 in child-minding fees just to see a film, now matter how many good reviews it gets. And unlike Laurina, I understand what 'M' in the OFLC ratings system means, so won't be dragging my 8 year olds along to it. So suck it up Alison Stephenson. You got to see it on work time, paid for by your employer. Next time palm the assignment off to an appreciative colleague with above primary school level communication skills, and reserve the next Care Bears review assignment for yourself, you talentless git.

I give Alison Stephenson's effort a 7 on the International Clem Bastow Scale* for lazy, uninformative, self-absorbed reviewing.


* Abbreviated to ICBS - note that it ends with BS, which is kind of appropriate, when you think about it.