There at it still

I told you there's no apostrophe in 'tacos', cunt

I'm quite aware that I, and perhaps others, have posted in the past about poor spelling, grammar and punctuation. But despite that, people of the world haven't, surprisingly, taken heed of my contempt. And I don't just refer to abbreviated text-speak, although that certainly doesn't help, but outrageous clunkers contained within long hand sentences, on shop signage and, most rampantly, in the comments columns of YouTube and newspapers, and Facebook 'walls'.

The following are some of the most common mistakes.

The Apostrophe

Of course, the classic bit of punctuation that is misused more than any other. People who place apostrophes in words that are simple plurals CAN GET FUCKED.

Just in the last few days I've seen avocado's, box's, apple's and spa's.

Cunts.

If you asked the writers of these abominations why they threw an apostrophe in, they wouldn't know. Well, of course they wouldn't know because there can't be a reason!

And of course then there's the missed apostrophe, such as Johns Diner, the misplaced apostrophe, such as childrens' clothes, and the downright confounding Im.

And despite it feeling a little like a possessive, there is no apostrophe in Its feet.

There/their/they're...your/you're

Check any thread of commentary on YouTube. 9 out of 10 times somebody writes any version of the above words, it's the wrong one. They just don't know. They probably don't care. Don't people realise they're means they are? If they do know that, why do they write "Hey, there wrong about that, and Im right!!!!!"

It's impossible to read that without initially misunderstanding it. Unless you're 90% of the population who thinks it's correct.

Multiple exclamation/question marks

One's enough!

See?

Should have v should of

It's SHOULD HAVE! Enough said.

David Mitchell is quite likely one of the finest blokes around and he's much more witty and eloquent than me, so I'll let him take it from here:

Words What I Hate

Did he just say key deliverables?

Homophobe

This word makes no sense. Judging by its usage, it presumably means fearing homosexuals or a general disdain for homosexuals.

Homo as a prefix, from the Greek, means 'same'.

Phobe from the French (also Greek Phobos and Latin Phobus) means 'fearing'.

So what can we conclude? That homophobe, literally translated, means fearing the same. Of course in common usage it usally means fearing the opposite. Another example of the English language's arcane evolution.


Workaholic

This is, of course, a derivation from alcoholic. Unfortunately whoever decided to first use this term believed that using a part of the word 'alcohol' (i.e. the 'ahol' bit) in this new word, was a good idea. Of course, alcoholism and workaholism are usually unrelated, if you ignore that they may occasionally overlap. Adding 'ic' to the end of alcohol came to mean being addicted to it. So I propose we change workaholic to 'workic'.

"That Johnny, always leaving the office late. I tell you, he's a workic."

Works for me.

Also see 'Shopaholic'.


Corporate/Management Speak

Key Performance Indicators
Key Deliverables
Revert Back (into what?)
Reflect (think)
Scope (money)

Here's an extract from an email a friend forwarded to me recently:

We are hoping that some of these discussions explored the on-the-job
experiences that you will be engaging in to stretch your current abilities
and ease you into new capabilities, as well as the coaching opportunities
that you will actively seek to receive constructive feedback so as to grow
your strengths even further.

Huh?


Any noun wrongly used as a verb

"He medalled."

Look out for it during a Commonwealth Games broadcast near you.

Twenny Ten

The Year We Make Contact With Common Sense...Or Not

It was bad enough when everybody celebrated the beginning of the new millennium a year early in 2000 - rather than celebrating the last year of the old millennium - but when people started calling the years 'two thousand and something' it really, really pissed me off (along with numerous other pedants).

We've always called it 'nineteen' something, or 'eighteen' something. 'Nineteen Eighty Four' for example. 'Eighteen Forty Two'. 'Ten Sixty Six'. So why were we suddenly calling it 'Two Thousand and One'? Why not 'Twenty Oh One'? Like 'Nineteen Oh One' or 'Sixteen Oh One'.

I hereby move a motion to call next year (the last year of the first decade of the new millennium) 'Twenty Ten'. Not 'Two Thousand and Ten'. At the risk of labouring the point, we didn't call it 'One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ten'. Anyway, apart from historical precedent, my preferred option contains fewer syllables. Why wouldn't you do it? In this age of texting and tweeting abbreviations (God help us) it makes sense. Doesn't it?

The Dutch

Nigel Powers:
There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.

I happen to quite like the Dutch. I like their bread, tulips are my favourite flower and Amsterdam is a fucken great place to kill an hour. And it's not just the drugs, although I did smoke a reasonable amount of hash there when I passed idly through in 1992 on my circuitous way to meet Perseus in Athens. It's the canals, the streetscapes, the buildings. The cafes in Jordaan, the pubs of Leidesplein, the buzzing markets full of useless stuff nobody needs. The people are friendly, they cycle everywhere, they speak excellent English - much better than my Dutch - and the beer is outstanding, despite the mediocre but ubiquitous Heineken.

So what did the Dutch do to provoke the ire of the British? I mean, let's look at the following examples of English idioms, most of which are at least vaguely derogatory:

"In Dutch with the wife." Implying that Dutch women are ball-breakers? Perhaps. I particularly like this expression. Almost as good as "In the doghouse".

"Dutch courage". Courage obtained from drinking. Does this infer the Dutch are wimps, and only gain courage from drunkenness? Probably.

"To go Dutch." To pay for one's own meal. Surely a shot at the alleged cheapness of the Dutch.

"Dutch tilt/Dutch angle". A tilted camera angle, particularly in film. Are the Dutch so drunk they can't keep the camera steady?

"A Dutch Act." Suicide, which is often regarded as cowardly.

"Dutch Auction." Effectively an auction where the price goes down instead of up. It's a twist on the supposed stupidity of the Irish. (Incidentally, you think the Irish are dumb? Scotch finger biscuits.)

"Dutch Oven". Sure it has culinary connotations but, let's face it, it's all about farting in bed and pulling the sheets over your girlfriend's head.

"Double Dutch." Shit that nobody understands.

Not to mention quite a number more, however dubious, on this list.

I love the Dutch, but I love the English language more.

It's an Evolution

I'm a little pedantic when it comes to spelling, grammar and punctuation, although I'm far from perfect and my vocabulary needs work. However, I think it's important and a necessary part of good communication. And I think society's standards in this area are a fucking ridiculous mess. Just take a look at the frequency of misplaced or, conversely, superfluous apostrophes that pepper public places and offend the eyes.

However, I'm all for the evolution of the language. It can't be stopped anyway and why would we want to? English has been evolving since it was first recognised as a language. It had a Germanic beginning and has since been influenced by French, Latin and, more recently, American and the language of technology. Cyberspace. Terabytes. Google. As much as I hate seeing Australians and Brits write 'color' or 'flavor', I'm afraid the traditional spellings are done for - given time - along with recognise, surprise and, an old favourite, arse. Don't get me started on 'thru'.

The abbreviations of email, instant messaging and texting are catching on. I really hate this because it stems from the lazy fingertips of stupid teenagers. But, if I'm to embrace the evolution, I can't be picky about where the change comes from. LOL. OMG. ROFLMAO.

Even annoying words like 'workaholic' (you can't use a part of the word 'alcohol' which is totally unrelated to your obsession for work...unless you work at the Hofbrauhaus) and 'homophobic' (what, you're afraid of something that's the same...as what?) will endure and become acceptable. After all, the word 'ask' used to be pronounced 'arks'. Now if someone says 'arks' they are rightly mocked. Perhaps they're the pedants. And then there's 'its'. I really want to put an apostrophe in 'its' when it feels like it's a possessive. But I can't because it's wrong. But maybe one day I can, because it might be right. Or perhaps it once was right. In Shakespeare's day. Or something. Speaking of Shakespeare, that wag even invented words. What a character!

So, a note to pedants: go with the flow, dudes.