Put that thing away, Lev Davidovich!

Leon Trotsky, root rat!

Reading Bertrand M. Patenaude’s extremely interesting Stalin’s Nemesis: The Exile and Murder of Leon Trotsky I came across a letter that Trotsky wrote to his wife Natalia in July 1937.

Since I arrived here, not once has my poor cock stood up straight. It’s as though it doesn’t exist. It’s also resting from the stresses of these days. But in spite of it, I myself am thinking tenderly of your old, dear cunt. I want to suck on it, shove my tongue all the way inside it. Natalochka, my dear, I will ever more strongly fuck you with my tongue and with my cock. Forgive me Natalochka these lines, it seems it’s the first time in my life that I write to you like this.

Blimey!

Trotsky was then 57 and had just finished an affair with Frida Kahlo.

I don’t know whether to be impressed or repelled but mostly I find myself thinking – how on earth did he find the time?

I mean, here he was, being chased by Stalin’s secret police across three continents and he still had time to be concerned about his dick.

It’s also sobering to realise that in the extremely unlikely event somebody writes my biography, my most intimate correspondence with my wife will mostly revolve around whether we should have Thai or pizza tonight for takeaway.

Girl, 12

Based on a true story:

Boy, 14: I wonder what would happen if I got my dick out.

Girl, 11: Out of where?

Boy: Out of my pants.

Girl: Do you need to wee?

Boy: No, but I have this evolutionary and totally instinctive desire to get it out.

Girl: Well I don't care, whatever.

Boy removes penis from trousers.

Girl: Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?

Boy: My dick.

Girl: Is that what they look like?

Boy: It's what mine looks like.

Girl: Shit, it's fucking disgusting.

Boy: Fair go! I bet your dick is ugly too.

Girl: I don't have a dick.

Boy: What do you have?

Girl: A front bottom. And it certainly doesn't have those revolting hairs around it like yours.

Boy: What the fuck's a front bottom?

Girl: A girl's penis.

Boy: I don't even know what the fuck that means.

Girl: Whatever.

Boy: How do you piss?

Girl: None of your business.

Boy: What would you think if I put my dick in there?

Girl: What the fuck for?

Boy: I dunno. See if it fits.

Girl: Yeah, whatever, I don't care.

*

Girl, 11: Mum!

Mum: What?

Girl: My belly's starting to get bigger.

Mum: Show me.

Girl reveals belly.

Mum: Oh my God! You know what this means?

Girl: No.

Mum: It means we're going to have to cut down to five meals of Maccas per week.

Girl: Aw mum!

*

Girl, now 12: Hey, Boy.

Boy, now 15: What, Girl?

Girl: The doctor says there's a baby growing in my tummy.

Boy: In your tummy?

Girl: Yeah.

Boy: How the fuck did it get in there?

Girl: How the fuck should I know!

Boy: Did the doctor tell you how?

Girl: He said my mum would tell me.

Boy: Yeah, your mum's pretty smart.

Girl: Yeah. She knows the price of everything at the supermarket.

Boy: Cool.

*

Dad: Whose fucken baby is it?

Girl: Mine.

Dad: But who else's?

Girl: Nobody's.

Dad: There must be someone else.

Girl: There isn't, I swear.

Dad: Jesus Christ. Get me a bourbon and coke will ya.

Girl gets Dad a Woodstock pre-mixed can while he lights up a Winnie Blue.

Dad: That's better. So, who the fuck did you sleep with?

Girl: Last night?

Dad: Last night! Anytime!

Girl: Golly.

Dad: Who the fuck's golly?

Girl: My gollywog!

Dad: Oh Jesus Christ, you fucking little shit! Mum! She's going to have a black baby!

*

Uncle Glen: She was always a good girl. She's the best shot in the family. She could hit a tin can from forty paces. Fuck me if she didn't know how to rope a steer. Christ, who the fuck's going to plough the back paddock now she's knocked up?

*

Auntie Gladys: She was always trouble. Always had a thing for the boys. God knows I slept with boys at 11, but I made them shoot their filthy stuff into the dirt. Girls weren't stupid back in my day. I didn't have my first kid 'til I was 15.

*

Midwife: Push!

Girl: Push what?

Midwife: Push the baby out!

Girl: what with?

Midwife: It's ok, there it is, it's a boy!

Girl: Thank God, Dad woulda killed me.

Boy, 15: What's his name?

Girl, 12: Rawlings.

Boy: Cool. What do you think about getting its ears pierced?

Girl: He's booked in for Thursday.

Boy: Awesome.

Midwife: Would you like to cut the cord?

Boy: Fuck that, I'm going out to get pissed.

An award for bravery in the face of ridicule and scorn (along with silliness and absurdity)

It gives me great pleasure tonight to award the Kingotis Memorial Thread title. The following decoration is bestowed individually upon Perseus and collectively upon all the commenters on TSFKA for their role in pushing Perseus' 'Weekend Wrap' thread to an all-time high count for TSFKA and for reminding all of us of the ancient glory that was TSSH.

Congratulations everyone. Wear this specially-commissioned MS Paint art with pride.



And also for reaching 150 posts, a special display of the inaugural Kingotis Memorial Thread award has been approved.



In other news, I'll be posting a Poetry Slam Friday tomorrow in place of Ramon (if there are no objections).

Dickheads

In The Age today here's a piece about male circumcision and the law.

The article states that "...circumcision might abuse the rights of a child" and that, "...circumcision might be considered an assault or a wounding... There is uncertainty as to whether the consent of a parent for the circumcision of their child is sufficient to allow a circumciser to legally perform the procedure."

It infers that it is possible, perhaps, for someone who has been circumcised to sue his parents and/or the circumsiser.

I know that some people put female and male circumcision in the same category, but, personally, I really don't see it that way. Though it's only 12% of male babies getting circumcised these days, I am circumsised, as many of us (a lot more than 12%) Gen-Xers were in those days, and I have no problem with it. I have a penis, simply lacking some foreskin. Female circumcision involves the removal of the clitoris and I would say that's a whole other topic.

The article also states that risks of circumcision include, "...surgical mishap or complications and decreased sexual pleasure."

Well, there was no mishap or complication in my own case, and I do feel sexual pleasure (even if Melba disapproves). Whether or not I would feel more sexual pleasure if I wasn't circumsised is something I'll never know, but for the meantime, I don't inted to sue anyone, and I am content and satisfied with the genitalia I carry and the sexual pleasure I feel. It functions, it's smegma free, easy to clean, and indeed, I have come across women who much prefer a circumcised dick than not.

But, matters such as these are coming to a head (pun intended), and the operation I guess will become rarer and rarer in the coming years to the point, I predict, that it will be illegal in Australia. I suppose it doesn't matter except for Jews and Muslims with their Abrahamic traditions, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in and say that it really doesn't bother me. It's a non-issue.

Over to you, parents: Did you consider it for your kids?
And to you, male readers of TSFKA: Are you? Is it an issue?