It's Saint Piran's Day! Huzzah!

For those not in the know, today is Saint Piran's Day - the national day of Cornwall.


The BBC site about Saint Piran notes

In Ireland he was said to have performed many miracles but the Kings of the country were not impressed.

Not impressed?

How can you not be impressed by a Saint?

Performing "many miracles"?


Tough audience.

This just in; Bible-basher fails to understand Bible

"End of the world, eh? Better get some pints in then."

But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

Matthew, Chapter 24, verse 36.

The brouhaha over the failure of The Rapture to arrive on time has got me a bit puzzled, given that the Bible says quite explicitly that nobody knows when the Second Coming is due*.

Given that most of the people concerned about this tend to be a bit – you know – religious, you’d assume that they’d be familiar with the actual Bible.

But it seems not.

Mind you, The Rapture is very dodgy theologically speaking, dating as it does from 17th century American Puritan** thinking and isn’t an important part of other Christian faiths.

Still, it’s all been a bit of a laugh, unless you’re one of the poor schlubs whose parents spent your entire college savings on the grounds that there wouldn’t be much point after 21st May.

In that case, it’s probably a bit of a pain in the bum.

*Except God, of course.

**And weren’t they a fun bunch.

Religion in State Schools

I Would Like to Offer a One-Sided View of Religion to your Vulnerable Children Please

Some bureaucratic cock wearing snazzy trousers with a sharp crease down the leg in the Victorian Education Department recently decided, with legal advice*, in the case of religious instruction in Victorian primary schools, that the word 'may', where it appears in the relevant legislation, actually means, wait for it, 'must'. Wow.

No it doesn't. Never has.

In short, the department has decided that if a religious group (as long as it's the Christian religious education provider Access Ministries) approaches a state primary school with the offer of religious instruction, it 'must' be take up by the school.

This is regardless of whether the principal, the teachers, the parents or, indeed, the students, want it or not. Irrespective of whether there are kids of other cultures, religions and backgrounds at the school which, you would have to think, would be the case 100% of the time. Christianity may well be the dominant religion in this country, but it hardly represents a cross section of society. At least those members of society that I hang with.

There's no compulsion to teach kids about any other religions, let alone teach them anything about the lack of scientific basis for the existence of supernatural beings. At least not until these kids have a dedicated science class. Even then, I doubt the average science teacher would be as passionate about atheism, assuming he/she is an atheist, as a fundamentalist Christian nerd is about Christianity.

Religious Instruction under these circumstances is to be taken in the main classroom for half an hour per week, as a normal part of the curriculum. Children do have the right to 'opt out'. But where does this leave the very few children** who do opt out? Another class is generally not provided for them. Often, I understand, they're made to sharpen pencils, run errands or sit reading books by themselves. They're made to feel like outsiders while the majority of the class remains under the formal learning umbrella.

Imagine how difficult that decision is for the parent who wants to opt their child out. The child wouldn't want to opt out. Especially at the age of 5 or 6 where all they care about is sitting next to their best friends.

This is a totally unacceptable situation. That children are given a biased view of religion. That they're being indoctrinated into Christianity regardless of background. That the parents who feel strongly enough to avoid their children undergoing indoctrination by Christians (whether it's because they're Athieists, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus or for any other rational reason) are made to feel like second class citizens.

So much for our secular society and the division of church and state.

My son attends a primary school where religious instruction has apparently never been offered and, according to the principal, who is very much against the idea, is extremely unlikely ever to be. This is most likely due to the demographic of the student population***.

So for now my son is safe from such gross misrepresentation of reality and generally unfair beans. And if it does ever happen I plan to sit in on the session and ask hard questions****.


* Possibly Dennis Denuto
** History suggests that most children don't opt out
***Migrants, weirdos and smarmy artists
**** Such as "Please explain Epicurus' Paradox"

God's Performance Review

So there, God!

Human resources consultant, Colin Rawlings, interviews God as a part of God's tri-millennial performance review.

*

Colin: (intercom) Margaret, could you please send in the next client.

Margaret: Certainly, Colin.

Margaret appears at the door standing beside a man with a long, grey beard.

Margaret: Colin, this is God.

Colin: Thank you Margaret.

Margaret sidles off.

Colin: Take a seat, God.

God: Thanks.

Colin: Now, I've just been reviewing the information you provided.You omitted to specify your area of responsibility.

God: There wasn't enough room on the form.

Colin: Well, in summary?

God: Oh, I suppose I'd say responsibility for the entire universe.

Colin: (writing) entire universe. Big job, huh?

God: Keeps me out of trouble.

Colin: Sure, sure. Look I have to say the feedback hasn't been great.

God: Who says?

Colin: Well, there's a comment here..."If there's a benevolent God why is there so much evil in the world?"

God: Who says I'm benevolent?

Colin: It's in the job description.

God: What job description?

Colin: You would have received a job description when you first started.

God: That was ages ago.

Colin: Well you should've kept it.

God: Yeah, well. Anyway, who said it?

Colin: It's confidential.

God: Go on.

Colin: Epicurus.

God: That arsehole.

Colin: Well he has a valid point.

God: Well I've been busy. Can't stop everything.

Colin: Ok, well I have a copy of the job description here for future reference.

God: (Reading) Bloody hell. Omniscience! I don't even know what that means!

Colin: Keep reading.

God: Omnipotence? What's that?

Colin: All powerful. You can do anything.

God: You're shitting me? I can't even boil an egg.

Colin: And then there's omnipresence.

God: Which is?

Colin: Being everywhere at once.

God: Jesus, that'd be handy for the Missus when I'm down the pub.

Colin: Look, apart from evil, there's also a lot of feedback about the environment. Global warming and all that.

God: That's man made!

Colin: But you made man.

God: Yes, yes.

Colin: In your image.

God: I didn't anticipate mass vehicular transport.

Colin: What about coal?

God: I didn't know anyone would burn it.

Colin: Fatal diseases is a topic that comes up a lot too.

God: Oh now you want a cure for cancer! Ask much.

Colin: Look, quite simply, I think you've neglected your duties. And many agree.

God: I sent Jesus down.

Colin: What have you done in the last 2000 years?

God: Um...

Colin: Well frankly, there's an increasing number of people who don't believe in you.

God: Sounds like you don't believe in me.

Colin: I mean they don't believe you exist.

God: Well I guess I do keep a low profile. I don't like crowds.

Colin: Perhaps you should intervene more.

God: I used to do that but it wasn't popular.

Colin: So I hear.

God: They even wrote a book about it.

Colin: Yes I read that. I'm afraid it wasn't very flattering.

God: I could strike some people down with lightening or something. Start a plague.

Colin: Perhaps something more benevolent.

God: Oh yeah. Like what?

Colin: Stop wars, famine, suffering.

God: Or invent a way for people to communicate over long distances!

Colin: I'm afraid it's been done

God: Oh.

Colin: Well it'll take some thought.

God: Yeah, ok, I'm starting to see some possibilities.

Colin: Ok, well you put some thought into it, read my report and some of the feedback and we'll speak about it next time.

God: Ok, thanks for your time.

Colin: No, no. Thanks for coming in. On your way out make an appointment with Margaret for around 3000 years from now.

God: Can I make it a Wednesday?

Colin: See what's available. When you come in we'll have another look at how you're going.

God: Cool, thanks Colin. See you then.

Colin: Well I won't be here but good luck with it.

God: Cheers.

Saint, Saint, Saint. Oi, oi,oi.

St Brendan, who sailed to America from Ireland in a leather boat. As you do.

It was too much, I suspect, for even previously level-headed media outlets like the Age or ABC to ignore.

Local girl Mary MacKillop gets the big tick, having performed the requisite number of miracles and becomes Saint Mary MacKillop in a star-studded deeply religious ceremony in the Vatican – to be covered ad nauseum by the Australian media.

Why we’ve suddenly taken such an interest in this mediaeval conjuring trick, as opposed to shunting it into the “wacky news” section is mostly beyond me.

As a keen amateur scholar of Christian theology, I’m pretty sure there’s no justification for saints in the New Testament* and as an equally keen (and equally amateur) student of Christian history I’m also pretty sure the creation of saints was generally used as a branding exercise to strengthen the influence of the Papacy – and in the process giving the big tick to a fairly ghastly collection of bigots, thugs, bigamists, nut-jobs and theocrats**.

But I don't include Mary MacKillop in the above collection as she was, by most accounts, a pretty good egg.

We’re also  told constantly that we have to “respect” people’s religious beliefs.

Well, as I think I have observed elsewhere, bollocks to that.

The only thing the religious*** should expect in a secular democracy is the right to practice their religion in peace.

Everything else is icing on the mitre.

* There’s no justification for bishops, popes or the Vatican Bank either, but that’s pretty much by-the-by.

** And the occasional harmless nutter, but there’re pretty much in the minority.

*** By which I include Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and that ragged madman down my local who keeps shouting about spoons.

More tales from Chelm!

Fabulous Chelm!!

The Chief Rabbi of Chelm was sitting in his bath when an angel of the Lord appeared before him and spake unto him saying;

“Samuel, Samuel, the lamentations of your people have reached the ears of the Lord your God and he wants to know – what’s with all the lamentations already?”

And Samuel said;

“Lord, my people are sore vexed as we do not have reliable high-speed access to the Internet.”

And the angel said;

“Ok, I’ll get to work on it.”

And Samuel said;

“Make sure it’s optic-fibre, none of that copper wire rubbish.”

“Right, right, no copper wire,” said the angel, writing it down.


………………………………………


One day the noted pianist Ignacy Jan Paderewski was walking through the market square of Chelm, when he was approached by a peasant with a chicken on his head.

“Maestro,” said the peasant “how do you get to Carnegie Hall?”

“I find the A or C lines on the subway should do it”, said Paderewski “and do you know you have a chicken on your head?”

“A chicken!?” said the peasant “yerrrrrrrrgh, get it off, GET IT OFF!!”


………………………………………


The current member for Chelm in the Commonwealth Parliament is Warren Truss.

What?!

It's too early in the morning for me to write a lengthy post about this, and too early for me to really grasp why I am so offended/annoyed by this article.

But I am, so here it is. Discuss away.

And in breaking news...

Ramon regains his glasses just in time to see the naked chick!

As I made my journey and drew near to Damascus, about noon a great light from heaven suddenly shone about me. And I fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to me, 'Saul, Saul, why do you persecute Me?' And I answered, 'Who are you, Lord?' And He said to me, 'I am Jesus of Nazareth whom you are persecuting.' Now those who were with me saw the light but did not hear the voice of the One who was speaking to me. And I said, 'What shall I do, Lord?' And the Lord said to me, 'Rise, and go into Damascus, and there you will be told all that is appointed for you to do.' And when I could not see because of the brightness of that light, I was led by the hand by those who were with me, and came into Damascus.

"And one Ananias, a devout man according to the law, well spoken of by all the Jews who lived there, came to me, and standing by me said to me, 'Brother Saul, receive your sight.' And in that very hour I received my sight and saw him. And he said, 'The God of our fathers appointed you to know His will, to see the Just One and to hear a voice from His mouth; for you will be a witness for Him to all men of what you have seen and heard. And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on His name.'

All of which is a long-winded way of saying

MY GLASSES ARE FIXED!!

Woot!

A very special post - for St Patrick's Day

Drink!

Drink!!

Girls!

Feck!

Arse!

Not again...

A spokesperson for Jemaah Islamiah has claimed responsibility for this mornings sadistic attack on innocent civillians. I have obtained the statement...

"Me good Muslim. Allah akbar. Me make bomb machine. Me make bomb machine make boom boom on infidel in hotel. Allah akbar. Me make jihad on infidel Jew and US imperial devil, so me blow up high-rise Sodom-house Ritzy in Jakarta and send Jewdevils to Barzakh. Allah akbar. Me in Jemaah Islamiah. We just like boy scouts, but we no have campfires, we to have dynamite by trucking loads, and we no have Queen of England for she porn of Jewsatan. We make cookies just like scout boys. We have prophet who love us from heaven and shower us with love and non-homo kisses, just like we shower English-jew-freemason-pope-satan with gunpoweder. Me kill western jew goat, allah akbar. Me love mothers and sisters and we must to have Sharia law for world so mumma and sister may be free of jew torment and be free to wear burkha and hijab and never be seen or ejicated. Me kepp making bomb machines til world make world muslim paradise with no jews and no Americans. Me make jihad, which mean to struggle to kill everybody that no agree with us. Some Muslim brothers say this not jihad. They say Jihad is just to struggle with love of Allah and be commit to love of Him and it be not to kill people. But they dumb Muslims in pocket of Jews. Jihad means to kill YOU. Allah akbar. Below picture proof of Gods love for Muslim."

Dickheads

In The Age today here's a piece about male circumcision and the law.

The article states that "...circumcision might abuse the rights of a child" and that, "...circumcision might be considered an assault or a wounding... There is uncertainty as to whether the consent of a parent for the circumcision of their child is sufficient to allow a circumciser to legally perform the procedure."

It infers that it is possible, perhaps, for someone who has been circumcised to sue his parents and/or the circumsiser.

I know that some people put female and male circumcision in the same category, but, personally, I really don't see it that way. Though it's only 12% of male babies getting circumcised these days, I am circumsised, as many of us (a lot more than 12%) Gen-Xers were in those days, and I have no problem with it. I have a penis, simply lacking some foreskin. Female circumcision involves the removal of the clitoris and I would say that's a whole other topic.

The article also states that risks of circumcision include, "...surgical mishap or complications and decreased sexual pleasure."

Well, there was no mishap or complication in my own case, and I do feel sexual pleasure (even if Melba disapproves). Whether or not I would feel more sexual pleasure if I wasn't circumsised is something I'll never know, but for the meantime, I don't inted to sue anyone, and I am content and satisfied with the genitalia I carry and the sexual pleasure I feel. It functions, it's smegma free, easy to clean, and indeed, I have come across women who much prefer a circumcised dick than not.

But, matters such as these are coming to a head (pun intended), and the operation I guess will become rarer and rarer in the coming years to the point, I predict, that it will be illegal in Australia. I suppose it doesn't matter except for Jews and Muslims with their Abrahamic traditions, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in and say that it really doesn't bother me. It's a non-issue.

Over to you, parents: Did you consider it for your kids?
And to you, male readers of TSFKA: Are you? Is it an issue?

IDAHO: not just potatoes

I turned on the TV in my room last night and discovered I had BBC World News. At first, I was rather excited that I had another option besides CNN, but that quickly turned to confusion and anger when I watched the first story presented.

A BBC reporter was in Moscow, where the Eurovision final is to be held on Saturday night. A gay rights activist had petitioned the city council for permission to hold a gay pride march, but had been denied (every application since the first in 2006 has been turned down by the mayor, Yuri Luzhkov, who describes the parades as ‘satanic’). However, the council is allowing “hardcore nationalists and religious groups to stage a counter-demonstration on the same day.”

Being gay is apparently not illegal in Russia, but there are many cases of gay and lesbians being the victim of violence from “neo-Nazis, ultra-Nationalists and Christian fundamentalists.” Including British activist Peter Tatchell, who was badly beaten in Moscow two years ago, and Irina Fedotova, one half of the first lesbian couple to seek a marriage certificate in Russia (they were denied), who says she has been beaten twice by extremists. While I was watching the story, she intimated that many gay people in Russia have to hide their sexuality for fear of violence against them, and that anti-gay activists will wait outside gay clubs to bash people leaving them.

Indeed, Mikhail Nalimov, leader of the United Orthodox Youth, has said there will be “a very tough reaction from a lot of [their] activists” and claims gay activists are “spiritual terrorists” and that the “aim of the gay movement is to destabilise the country and society.” Of course, it’s not possible that the aim of the gay movement is simply to allow gay people to have the same basic human rights as everyone else.

I am completely baffled by opinions such as this. I just don’t understand what people have against homosexuality. What does it matter what two consenting adults do in their private life? How on earth does it impact on anyone else? Why do religious people get their knickers in such a twist about it (such as the ‘God Hates Fags’ group in the US)? And not just religious people, but anyone? Why? I’ve heard of some people who are against homosexuality, and in particular same-sex marriage, bring up paedophilia as an argument, and say society makes it their business to prevent that sort of perverse behaviour, and claim that it’s no different to homosexuality. But that’s bullshit. Paedophilia is not between two consenting people, because one of the parties involved is a minor and unable to give consent. There is also the ridiculous argument that if we allow same-sex people to marry, what’s to stop someone from marrying their dog in the future? For the same reason – the dog can’t consent.

While I was watching the report, and listening to Nalimov say the church and his activists will continue to fight against gay activists (and putting aside the very important issues that those who call themselves Christians are hardly acting like Christians when they bash other people and act with such intolerance), I just kept repeating to myself, “But why? Why do you care if these people are gay? How is it affecting you?” Sure, you might think homosexual acts damn the soul and what not, but what does it matter to you if someone else is doing it? I hardly think bashing someone up is going to endear you to god, even if said person is doing something you think god doesn’t approve of. Two wrongs don’t make a right and all of that. Not to mention, Jesus doesn't say anything about homosexuality in the New Testament of the Bible. You’d think if it was really that important, he might have mentioned it once or twice.

I really don’t understand homosexual-hate. Anyone have a clue?

P.S. May 17 is International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO), so I thought this was a fitting topic.

Ghosts In The Spare Room

Boogeyman and I are having a terrific and spirited debate today over at my book review blog. Who'd think a review of the Costello Memoirs would end in a show of metaphysic aggression? But he did make me think of things other-worldly, and so I present this little tale.

I live in a 3 bedroom house. One of the spare rooms makes me feel odd. From the very first time I went in there, I felt, well, a little uneasy... as if there was something or someone else in there. I didn't feel threatened, just, I dunno, aware of something unseen being in the room with me. The feeling has never dissipated. Likely theory - the first time I went in there, something happened physiologically with me and now my mind and/or body relates that room to how I felt that first time, and thus, like muscle memory, every time I go in there I have the same reaction. But, for the sake of this tale, let me thrown that theory out the window.

Hot German Chick, mentioned in my previous blog, is a new-age freak. We fought and fought over new-age spiritualism. She was all astrology and Tarot and Wiccan and 'it was meant to be' and the 'cosmos' design' and it shat me up the wall.

She lived in that spare room for 4 months last summer. When she first walked in the room, she was in there for no more than five seconds before she stopped in her tracks and said, "Whoa! There's three ghosts that live in here."

"What?" I said.

She stood silent for a bit, then said to me, "It's okay. They are not harmful. They think you are okay, and they are fine with me stayting here. They are angry, but not with you."

If I hadn't have already felt a 'presence' in that room, I would have kicked her out immediately for being a freak. But, as it was, I said to her, "You know, I've always felt like I was being watched in here."

She said, "Yes, whoever comes in here is watched."

*

Now. Stick with me. The question I ask is not, "Are there ghosts in my spare room?", because I have other questions.

First, what is a ghost? It is a mainstream belief that ghosts, should they exist, are the souls of dead people. Allow me to tweak that theory slightly and call them 'remnants' so as to keep us all happy.

Secondly, and here's my big question, the one that even Hot German Chick coluld not answer properly... "Is a ghost sentient?" That is, does a ghost know that it exists?

I am atheism's number one ticket holder, but yet, conversely, I think there is the remnants of something in my spare room. The fact there is something in there was independantly verified by a Hot German Chick. So what the fuck is it?

Here's my two bob. There is the remnants of something, or someone, in my spare room. My sub-conscious detects it, as does hers. Because we cannot grasp what it is, because it exists on a plane we cannot grasp, my brain translates it into something I can recognise - the feeling of being watched - and something the German recognises... human form.

Voila, ghosts.

I am prepared to say unequivocally that my spare room is haunted by a ghost or ghosts. I am also prepred to say unequivocally that the ghosts do not know they exist, but rather, my own brain conjures them up to let me know that in that room lays the remnants of something or someone or some event that is somehow relevant to or essential to the design and layout and history of the spare room.

I have no proof of this obviously. Boogeyman will potentially use this as a way of saying that I should go easier on the religious, but I don't care about how much I have exposed my arguments against the existence of anything eternal and sentient as being weak.

But I offer this:

* I am moved by some presence in my spare room.

* I am also moved by the full moon casting a ray across the ocean.

* I don't think the moon-ray knows it exists.

* Then why should I be convinced that the ghost in my spare room knows it exists?

**

Any ghost stories or opinions here?

He Was A Carpenter By Trade, Or At Least That's What I'm Told

So here we are at Good Friday where we reflect on Xt's* death upon the wooden cross and his subsequent foot-spa from his favourite whore. It's the day where for some reason, His tortuous death means the stipid Micks don't eat red meat and I'm forced to wait over an hour for my piece of whiting, two calamari rings, two potato cakes, a pickled onion and three steamed dimmies because fucking holiday Catholics are clogging the lines.

Speaking of fucking Catholics, couldn't help but notice that today our most famous Catholic, Cardinal George Pell, has come out to support Pope Ratzy's assertion that condoms aren't much chop when it comes to stopping the spread of AIDS.

You know, he's kind of right. Abstinence would do the trick. Use of condoms infers people are rooting, which in turn, can spread AIDS. He's right on this.

But here in The Real World, where I live, and Pell is yet to pop in for a visit, I notice that generally speaking, people, as a whole, don't mind a shag, and this is where condoms play their role quite effectively.

He mentions in this article that one of the problems is that in Africa, the condoms are cheaply made and faulty... so, umm, does this mean if they were sturdy and reliable you'd be okay with this?

I don't mind the Micks, seriously. If I had to become religious, I'd choose Catholicism. I dig all the mystic shit and their ongoing 'holy trinity' philosophical ramblings, and drinking and smoking seems almost embraced, but really, it's about time they dropped the whole contraception thing.

If Catholics can accept evolution, they can accept contraception.

And Pell: You're a goose. What you're crapping on about has no relevance in modern society, and if it wasn't for the fact you were a devoted Richmond fan, I'd be calling for your instant dismissal. As it is, I'm calling for your Papalcy. I'd love one day to see the Pope passing judgement on Richmond's tactics and policies.

CNN Reporter: "For his global Easter message today, Pope Pellius called for further peace talks in the Middle East, for the instant dismantling of land mines in the Sudan, and for someone called 'Lids' to be played deeper in the forward line after the bounce."

Go Tigers, and Happy Easter cunts.

Amen.


*I'm up with the gnarly Christian kids and their street lingo!

God's Priorities

Isn't this great? The return of Netanyahu and his band of right wingers. What I really find disturbing are comments like these:

With God's help, I will lead the next government.

Can't do it alone, pissboy?

Firstly, as we know, God doesn't exist. Secondly, even if he did, he doesn't give a shit now does he? I can just picture Netanyahu's God sitting behind a mahogany desk eating matzos and thinking "I'm going to give Ben a hand with the running of his government. God knows, he can't handle it himself. Let's face it, he's a fuckwit."

The following sportsmen (among many others) have thanked God upon winning a tournament, a game or a match of some sort:


Gary Ablett
Aaron Baddely
Matthew Hayden.

I'm here to tell you boys, God doesn't give a rat's arse about you, you saps.

God:

"Rather than help people avoid starvation, disease, natural disasters, pain, torture and death, I'll give Haydos another hundred. And as for those stupid Victorians who support abortion, I'm going to burn them alive. Now, back to my witty Darwin rebuttal."

An open letter to God

Dear God*

So, this is your idea of a joke, is it?

Day after day of burning heat, night after night of slightly less burning heat with the result that the good citizens of Melbourne are going slightly crazy and are hanging out for the cool change due on the weekend.

The “cool change” being that temperatures will plummet to 31 DEGREES!!!!!!!!

Cool change, my sweaty arse.

I’m not even meant to be living here, you know. I’m genetically designed to be living in a bog, somewhere in Ireland. As Woody Allen once observed, I don’t tan – I stroke.

Lift your game; don’t make me come up there.

Hope the family is well.

Warmest regards,

Dr Ramon Insertnamehere.

*Not to be confused with the XTC song.

A Spade Is A Spade

Disclaimer 1: Yes, I know that Islamic terrorists comprise like 0.00000001% of the Muslim population.

Disclaimer 2: Yes, I know that Western nations over the course of history have plundered other nations.

Disclaimer 3: Yes, I know that this post seems anti-Islamic, but I want to make it clear that it is not Islamic religion or belief under attack here, it is the behaviour of a small group of psychopaths within the Islamic community.

*

Whether it be 9/11, the Bali Bombing, the Spanish rail bombing or the latest carnage in India, the common denominator is violent Muslims, perpetrating unspeakable atrocities upon innocent people in the name of God and their religion.

The invisible and dubiously existent hegemony will have me call these people 'terrorists', or even more insidious than that is the post-modern variant, 'insurgents', a word that does nothing but muddy the news to the point that we don't know what the hell is happening in Iraq or Afghanistan and who is fighting who and why.

I join Christopher Hitchens in calling these people what they are: religious.

Make no mistake - they think they are doing God's work. They think they will be rewarded in heaven. It says so in the Old Testament, and in the Koran.

No doubt in the coming days we'll have a series of people popping up in the media defending the Muslim community, and a whole bunch of peaceful, reasonable Muslims defending their brothers and sisters by creating a berth wider than the Grand Canyon around what they believe and what those nasty terrorists believe.

Enough is enough, I say. If a player on a football field does something wrong, the whole team has to take the fall. Likewise, if an apocalyptic and psychopathic Islamic group goes about slaughtering innocent people, the whole Islamic community need to fucking sort it out. Are you a Muslim and not a terrorist? Good. Use your influence to weed out these pathetic morons and anyone who supports them. Denounce them. Kick them out of your mosques. Pull down their places of worship. Do not offer them solace. They are PSYCHOPATHS and you created them - yes, you, Islam.

You know, it's a crazy inverse relationship we have with Muslims. Everytime one group of Muslim psychos blow something up, for some reason we have to like other Muslims even more... Mark my words - at some point soon Ruddy will have to come out and say something nice about Muslims. If it keeps going like this, if some Jihadist fuckface blows up a small nation, we'll have to kiss the feet of moderate Muslims and give them money and season tickets to Bell Shakespeare. ENOUGH! Hey, Muslims: Take responsibilty for your religion.

Don't blame America, don't blame the British cos of what they did 50 years ago, don't blame western imperialism, don't blame poverty. What your bretheren have done is sickening, disgusting, sub-human and totally fucked, and they chose to do it themselves, and they did it in your name, and your God's name.

The calm, reasonable, likeable and peaceful Muslims in Australia need to fire up a bit. They need to kick some heads - internally. I say to them: I respect your right to your religious belief, but in return for that religious belief, you owe me, him, her and them the chance to sleep safely at night.

I can't fix it, but you can, because you have access to these people within your religious administration.

So fucking fix it.

Oh... and Christians? Don't think you're escaping my tirade either. The Mumbai killers believe in God. So do you. Believe me, you are much more alike to these terrorists than I am. Your beliefs are essentially the same - all you differ on is the interpretation of God's specific will.

This is as much a religious problem as it is an Islamic one. So don't go trying to distance yourself too far from these terrorists you weasels. This is what fervent God-believing does to people, and you're as much to blame as anyone, given that the Old Testament started all this.

Abraham, dudes. Abraham. You lot share him.

*

I'm Captain Kneejerk, sleep tight kiddies.

Thou shalt not suffer a witch* to live.

The rapid approach of 31st October fills me with dread for two reasons.

Firstly, it’s more than likely that we’ll get some of the neighbourhood kids coming around to our front door, demanding “trick or treat”.

Given this will be on Friday evening and I’ll already be half-cut, I predict something along these lines.

Adorable neighbourhood kids: “Treat or treat!”

Me: “Aw, shit kids. I dunno what we’ve got but I’ll see if I can rustle up a couple of beers for you.’

Mrs INH: “RAMON!!!!!!!”

Seriously, haven’t we got enough crap popular culture from the US** already? It’s just beyond embarrassing.

Secondly, all the usual pagan deadshits will be banging on and on and on about “Beltane” and how the Christian church has stolen their holiday and witch burnings and the usual palaver.

Quite frankly – just fuck off. You’re with people that makes the Seventh Day Adventists look normal, you insist on going “sky-clad***” when you really, really, really don’t have the physique for it, you’ve got an (organic) chip on both shoulders and I’m not surprised the authorities killed so many of you in centuries past – it was probably to get you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

I don’t like any religion and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to make an exemption for your particular bag of gibberish.

And while we’re talking about wankers, can somebody suggest to Catherine Deveney she might like to put a fucking sock in it?

Sweet Jesus, she’ll be talking about dewdrops on roses and whiskers on kittens next.

*Obviously not you, Witchie.

**I am aware Halloween originated in iron-age Celtic cultures. Are you an iron-age Celt? Exactly, I thought not.

***In the nuddie.

Family First, You Are Dickheads

So, Senator Fielding (oh how it hurts to put those two words together) who got about 1% of the primary vote has weighed in on the Government's proposed 'filter' for the internet.

He wants hardcore porn and fetish sites blocked as well.

Because Mums and Dads surely don't look at hardcore porn and fetish sites, surely not, oh no. Only criminals look at porn. Gay atheist single childless lying criminals. They're the only ones that look at porn.

I for one would welcome some magical little box that can automatically stop anyone from accessing child porn, but is it possible (Boogeyman / Alex - TSFKA IT gurus)?

Maybe they could ban Wal's site while they're at it?

But hardcore porn and fetish sites... well, jeez, that's half the internet isn't it? And what's a fetish anyway? It can range from hot goats in bras to women firefighters in uniform to jizzin' on porcupines (www.jizzonspiky.com.be) to, I dunno, whatever... that's the point, and it's all too wide and varied, and much if not all of it could be deemed harmless or even healthy (though I'm yet to find my fetish represented at any site: Someone please make a Hot Bisexual Chick Librarian Goth Richmond Supporters Disciplining Scrawny Men Returning Classical Literature Late Back To The Library fetish site. Typing one-handed already).

But I say to Senator Feilding, there is one fetish I find totally distasteful and I want you to have the sites that feature this fetish closed down, and if you promise to do so I shall support you in your Senatorial lobbying.

The sites feature a mostly naked man being whipped and spiked by burly men in togas until he is bleeding everywhere, then he is hoisted on to a large wooden torture rack and nailed to it through the wrists and ankles while a hooker weeps and washes his feet. Filth!

Senator, you will find it at any Christian or Biblical website.

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That, Except Everything.

(Sorry, this is long-ish)

The Seventh Day Adventist Church, despite some half-decent philanthropic work and a few truly good-natured individuals, are collectively whack.

As a Church they support what’s known as Young Earth Creationism (the Earth being only 6,000 years old), ‘Intelligent Design’ and they were right in the middle of the ‘Harry Potter is evil’ PR fiasco. Oh, and they ban dancing. Because it leads to sex or something.

It’s little wonder they’re so whack given their origins - they are the offspring of the dumber Millerites.

The Millerites were a group who were convinced that on October 23, 1844, the world would come to the end and they would all ascend to heaven and shit. In Adventist circles, that day is known as ‘The Great Disappointment’.

You see, when the sun rose that morning and the the angels hadn't blown their trumpets and the sinners hadn't been cast into the bowels of Hell, many kind of said, "Oh fuck, how embarrassing," and just got on with their lives.

But, a handful of the particularly retarded Millerites (a little obsessed with numerology and mysticism ‘hidden’ in the bible) actually went on to say that the world had in fact entered a ‘seventh millenium’ on that day. My interpretation of what these arseclowns were saying (after wading through their stupid stupid texts) is that Jesus rocked up to heaven that day and started to mop the floors of Paradise in readiness for the true believers – which is the Seventh Day Adventists.

Not long after The Great Disappointment a disgraceful and bitter hag called Ellen G White started writing a lot of bullshit and she is revered by them as a prophet.

Cut forward to 2008, when the only thing that’s mainstream about this church is their ownership of Sanitarium... most famous for Weet Bix.

They have a fortnightly full colour glossy magazine called ‘Record’ which has a massive readership in Australia, NZ and the South Pacific (26,000) and it is a clever mix of softcore religion and mainstream articles. Earlier in the year they interviewed Sam Mitchell, Captain of Hawthorn, on the topic of ‘Leadership’ and put his square head on the front cover so as to attract non-aligned readers. And so they should -if they are attempting to ‘reach out’ to possible converts.

‘Record’ has a good history of avoiding the more whacky fringe elements of Adventism... all the fire and brimstone shit, and there’s nary a mention of their Young Earth Creationist stance, but at` the same time they tip-toe through issues that would confront their beliefs as well, like evolution, and (finally getting to my point) homosexuality.

This all changed on October 4, 2008, when the new-ish, young and savvy and obviously socially aware senior editor of Record, Nathan Brown, single-handedly tried to drag this dangerous and foul religion into the modern world. He wrote an editorial about homosexuality saying things like:

“From a Christian perspective, the Bible says little about homosexuality. No more than five references...”

“Belying the noise of various Christian activists, it is difficult to argue homosexuality as a specifically important moral issue from a Biblical perspective.”

“Our silence is part of the problem. When the issue is not faithfully, carefully and sensitively addressed, the unspoken pressure to conform to ‘normality’ gives rise to deep-seated personal tension, double lives and dishonest relationships.”

“...homosexual people are people, human beings with hopes, faiths, fears and failings... like us.”

“...they need places to belong and communities in which they can share and grow in faith.”

I would like to link to the article but October 4's edition seems to be mysteriously missing from the Record’s online archives.

Now, obviously, this is just ‘Real Life 101’ for most of us, but not for the Seventh-day Adventists.

Sources from within the church have told me that poor Nathan Brown has copped a hammering from the elders of the church, not to mention the readership of the magazine for which he’s responsible*. ‘Record‘ is not an independent media publication – it is owned and operated by the Church and as such, it has to toe the line.

Which explains the yet-to-be-released November 1 ‘statement’ by the same editor that has been leaked to me.

Here’s some extracts.

“The Adventist Church has a clear position on homosexuality, based on the teachings of the Word of God...”

“Seventh-day Adventists believe that sexual intimacy belongs only within the marital relationship of a man and a woman. This was the design established by God at creation.”

“The Bible makes no accommodation for homosexual activity or relationships.”

“...we regret the misunderstanding surrounding the publication of (the other article)”
*

(If you would like the full articles, email me)

*

This is a fucking disgrace. This is hateful propaganda hiding behind superstitious belief, and it has no place in the modern world.

Seventh-day Adventism is on the way out, surely. They can’t cling to these archaic and vile opinions and expect to last through the 21st Century. And it's a shame, because you'd imagine that amongst the rank and file there's probably normal people, brought up in the church, who know it's whack but can't get a word in.

Religion again, fucking things up.

I say to the Seventh-day Adventist church: “Your time has been and gone. Time to close your shop. Thank you for the Weet Bix, but you can all just fuck off and go away now. You are no longer needed.”


* Allegedly he also received many letters of support, but that’s neither here no there to the Elders.