That Tony, always kidding around!

"Fetch my pure silk smoking jacket and Cuban cigars , this instant!"

The rampaging “Man-bull”, destroyer of utes, smiter of disbelievers, scourge of the incapable is no more, with his decision not to re-contest his electorate at the Commonwealth election later this year.

The Mad Monk, as always, chipped in with the comedy element, as the Age reports;

Mr Abbott was generous in his praise of Mr Turnbull.

"In just two terms, Malcolm has scaled the commanding heights of Australian politics,’’ a statement from Mr Abbott read.

‘‘Malcolm has brought to all his public roles extraordinary determination, considerable personal charisma and great intellectual consistency.

"Personally, I have enjoyed his friendship since university days and look forward to doing so for many years to come."

Which I would translate as “the cunt’s finally gone, has he? You ripper”.

Based on my amazing political skills, my take on the next few years in federal politics is something like this*.

The Kevinator leads the ALP into a second term, with an increased majority. “Jolly Joe” Hockey and the Monk then amuse us all with an endless round of challenge and counter challenge before Ruddy wallops them for a third time sometime in 2013 before standing down and leaving The Gillard to take over.

Commentators usually finish these sort of pieces with some pious platitude about “how good governments depend on effective oppositions” but – you know – fuck that!

*Probably wrong and inaccurate even now, but that’s never stopped anybody in the Gallery.

The Comedy Festival; will it never stop!

Still preferable to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

We’re well into week 146 of the Melbourne Comedy Festival* – I’m sorry, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival – and I just wish everybody would sod off and die.

It’s not just the fact that cunts I manage to avoid successful throughout the year, like Wil Anderson or Helen Razer, are suddenly front and centre in what passes for culture in this neck of the woods, it’s the sheer relentless, industrial, grinding nature of it all.

It’s like being stuck in a lift for three hours with somebody who “does jokes” or recycles entire sketches from memory.

And those cutsie poo posters by Michael “Cunting” Leunig.

There’s nothing more depressing than “festivals” in any case and “Comedy Festivals” make me long for armageddon or Perth.

*Well, it seems like it.

Poetry Slam Friday Part 2 (Shut Up Kids, I Have a Headache)

In a cottage in Fife
Lived a man and his wife
Who, believe me, were comical folk;
For, to people's surprise,
They both saw with their eyes,
And their tongues moved whenever they spoke!

When they were asleep,
I'm told, that to keep
Their eyes open they could not contrive;
They both walked on their feet,
And 'twas thought what they eat
Helped, with drinking, to keep them alive!

Good (Poetry Slam) Friday

I have met them at close of day
Coming with vivid faces
From counter or desk among grey
Eighteenth-century houses.
I have passed with a nod of the head
Or polite meaningless words,
Or have lingered awhile and said
Polite meaningless words,
And thought before I had done
Of a mocking tale or a gibe
To please a companion
Around the fire at the club,
Being certain that they and I
But lived where motley is worn:
All changed, changed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

That woman's days were spent
In ignorant good-will,
Her nights in argument
Until her voice grew shrill.
What voice more sweet than hers
When, young and beautiful,
She rode to harriers?
This man had kept a school
And rode our winged horse;
This other his helper and friend
Was coming into his force;
He might have won fame in the end,
So sensitive his nature seemed,
So daring and sweet his thought.
This other man I had dreamed
A drunken, vainglorious lout.
He had done most bitter wrong
To some who are near my heart,
Yet I number him in the song;
He, too, has resigned his part
In the casual comedy;
He, too, has been changed in his turn,
Transformed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

Hearts with one purpose alone
Through summer and winter seem
Enchanted to a stone
To trouble the living stream.
The horse that comes from the road.
The rider, the birds that range
From cloud to tumbling cloud,
Minute by minute they change;
A shadow of cloud on the stream
Changes minute by minute;
A horse-hoof slides on the brim,
And a horse plashes within it;
The long-legged moor-hens dive,
And hens to moor-cocks call;
Minute by minute they live:
The stone's in the midst of all.

Too long a sacrifice
Can make a stone of the heart.
O when may it suffice?
That is Heaven's part, our part
To murmur name upon name,
As a mother names her child
When sleep at last has come
On limbs that had run wild.
What is it but nightfall?
No, no, not night but death;
Was it needless death after all?
For England may keep faith
For all that is done and said.
We know their dream; enough
To know they dreamed and are dead;
And what if excess of love
Bewildered them till they died?
I write it out in a verse -
MacDonagh and MacBride
And Connolly and Pearse
Now and in time to be,
Wherever green is worn,
Are changed, changed utterly:
A terrible beauty is born.

A Dilemma

Here's my dilemma:

I have next week off. This is amazing. I haven't had a week off in five years. I get days off frequently, but never a whole week (except that dud one in between Christmas and New Year, sometimes, where I am always hosting guests at my house, which is harder work than work).

I decided two months ago that in my free week I would get into my car and head north, to nowhere in particular. My aim was to rock up in small towns off the highways and search for bric-a-brac joints and drink beers with locals, and stay in dodgy rooms above the pubs. I was prepared to drive as deep into the desert as I could.

I told my band about my trip, and the drummer, Mad Irishman, asked if he could come. I decided to say yes because of all the people in the band he would be the best to travel with, and besides, he is handy, mechanically, and could fix the car if something went wrong.

We then realised that two guys (in a band) rocking up in small desert towns looks very gay and so we decided what we needed was a token chick. We invited Miss Flatmate, a 23 year old emo chick (and friend of the band) who was happy to accept and so, for the past two months, that was the line-up of the roadtrip.

In the past three days, things changed.

Miss Flatmate is the housemate of Miss Artist (my former lover, who Melba does not approve of) and The Songstress (my recent squeeze). She is also the cousin of the Songstress. It's how I met Songstress, through Miss Flatmate.

I mentioned here at TSFKA that some things happened between the Songstress and I recently and that I was very happy about this, particularly as I was spending so much time with Ponygirl at work. Well, it hit a wall, and she hooked up with some other bloke and I had given up. But last weekend, I stayed at the house after a night out with Miss Flatmate and caught up with Songstress in the morning. Shge must have enjoyed our breakfast chat because she rang me late Sunday night to say that she had gotten rid of the other guy and wanted to see me again. Anyway, one thing lead to another, and I invited her on the roadtrip and she said yes.

So for the last few days I've been ecstatic... I'm about to go on a fun roadtrip with three awesome people, one of which is my squeeze (we even planned to spend one night apart from the other two, in a swag, out in the desert, under the stars).

But, it has all turned very very sour. See, Miss Flatmate doesn't actually like her cousin Songstress very much. Loves her like family, but doesn't actually like her. Upon hearing that Songstress was coming on the roadtrip she totally cracked it. She argued that she was looking forward to the trip so she could get away from Songstress for a week, and I stuffed it up by inviting her. I argued back that it was my trip and I could invite who I wanted.

Miss Flatmate was so fired up, she actually went to Songstress and told her not to come. Songstress argued, "But Perseus invited me," and Miss Flatmate argued back, "And I'm telling you you're not welcome and if you come I won't speak to you." They then had a three hour fight, bringing up years and years of issues.

I got the call from Songstress at 11pm last night**. She was falling on her sword and pulling out from the trip. She said, "Miss Flatmate has made it clear that she won't speak to me on the trip, so, I'm pulling out." I said, "Bullshit, she's causing all the problems, so I'm prepared to sack her from the trip and have you instead," and Songstress said, "No, because Miss Flatmate has been looking forward to this trip for weeks and weeks and it's all she talks about and so I'm giving her right of way... You and I can go to the desert some other time," (yeah, right, when I have another week off in 2014).

So just when my romance is about to take off again, it's put on the backburner, because of the petulance of a 23 year old emo who hates her cousin. I've been trying to call Miss Flatmate to let her know how unfair this is but she won't answer the phone... and now she's at Confest out of phone reception so I won't actually see her until Sunday when Mad Irishman and I pick her up in NSW. I have a vague plan to not speak to her for the whole week.

Am I right to be pissed off? Or was Miss Flatmate right to be pissed off with me for inviting her cousin at the last minute? I knew they didn't get along that well, but I never realised the extent of it. The fight they ended up having was so bad, I doubt their relationship will ever recover. I doubt my friendship with Miss Flatmate will recover either. I effectively have to choose one of them... a long term friend, or a lover that may not last.

Sigh.

In any case, I shall record our desert trip and post a report when I get back.

**Not the only late night call I got... I also got one from a TSFKA person who I've never actually met, inviting me out tonight to a hotel room in Melbourne to meet up with her and a lesbian. I unfortunately could not make it, but I went to sleep with the fantasy.

Books Unwrapped

First, some political commentary (in Ramon's absence) from WA...



I've started to unwrap and read the book pressies on my bookshelf. I turn the paper into a dustcover for each book. This wrapping paper classification system could revolutionise libraries everywhere



Don Quixote has been the bane of my reading life for some time now. It's half a million words and it's marvellous but PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP. Don Quixote is someone telling you the same joke 500 000 times. I have about 80 000 words to go. The first book I unwrapped was an illustrated and abridged version of Don Quixote. It's like Cervantes' ghost is mocking me


On average, I have to unwrap six books to find one book I want to read. The poetry books are great but, call me an ungrateful sprog, I can do without fantasy, Brian Castro, and some book about a woman buying a farmhouse in Spain

So far I've read:

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon. 4 stars. Brilliant, sad, funny

The Radetzky March by Joseph Roth. 5 stars. Very Austro-Hungarian. Just superb

Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs. 1 star. Unbelievably racist and sexist. Jane had rocks in her head. If you haven't read this, you might not know that Tarzan goes about hanging Africans from treetops for the greater part of it

What Was That Mark, You're a Dickhead?

Distracted? Bloody hell, I would be.

I hate the Grand Prix, its expense and its bombast. But that's not what this post is about. It's a tired old gripe of mine and I'm prepared to let it rest for now.

Further, I don't mind Mark Webber calling Australia a 'Nanny State'. After all, I've called it that myself occasionally. What I do object to is him lambasting the enforcement of law.

Speeding really can kill people. You shouldn't speed. It's dangerous. Also, according to the law, you're simply not allowed to exceed the speed limit. If you do, penalties apply. To suggest that penalties shouldn't apply is utterly preposterous. Why shouldn't they be? I don't think there's an adequate answer.

"But I was only doing 63 in a 60 zone!"

That's what speeding is! You know about speeding. You know there are penalties. Cop it.

"Er, I didn't know what the speed limit was."

Fuck off, twerp.

"It's just revenue raising".

No, it's not just revenue raising. Various other other penalties apply. Yes, revenue is raised, but, hey, here's an idea: don't speed and you won't contribute to revenue!

Perhaps we should call the incarceration of murderers "just prison filling".

Happy Poetry Slam Friday!

Oh! kangaroos, sequins, chocolate sodas!
You really are beautiful! Pearls,
harmonicas, jujubes, aspirins! all
the stuff they've always talked about

still makes a poem a surprise!
These things are with us every day
even on beachheads and biers. They
do have meaning. They're strong as rocks.

Friday Shoe-a-palooza

Ok, you (well, some of you) asked for it! Here are some of my latest shoe purchases:

I bought these last year actually, but they're still a recent purchase. They are extraordinarily bright, and aren't really "every day" shoes. But they do make a statement! They won't be in season for long, but I suspect the 80s will make another comeback at some stage, and when they do, I'll have my neon pink shoes at the ready! I usually wear them with a plain black dress, black handbag, and a Hermes scarf with neon colourway (Pavois, in black/pink/orange/green). I have also worn them with a jade green dress, and a bright yellow dress, to great effect.

Christian Louboutin Paquita 120

These shoes are actually black and a pale gold, though they look pale pink in this photo. They're pretty classic, and I generally wear them with a black dress, black handbag and a black/gold Hermes scarf. You could also wear them with a gold dress if you were so inclined. Cream also looks nice with them.

Fendi Suede Swirl

These shoe boots were just so cute, I couldn't resist! The heel has been decorated to resemble snake skin, but in a gold colour. I would wear them with this outfit.

Alaia Suede Shoe Boots

I own many a pair of "evening" shoes, but I just loved these. I like the mary-jane quality about them (what you call a pump with an ankle strap), and the architectural heel. Obviously, a LBD would be the best bet for these. I tend to wear all my shoes for any occasion, however, so I wouldn't restrict these to night time. I will probably also wear them with a black skirt suit to work.

Lanvin Satin & Crystal Heels

These are obviously statement shoes. I would say the same rules apply to the first pair of Louboutins. If you wear bright shoes like this, you have to make them the statement piece of your outfit. Don't try to get all matchy-matchy and wear a yellow dress and handbag as well. You'll end up looking like a banana. You could, however, wear them with black or white (or even a nice shade of grey), and pair them with a yellow/black/white/grey scarf.

Christian Louboutin Rolando 120

These are an everyday shoe and are super comfortable. They're a clog-style mule, and are a comfortable height. I usually wear them with a cream dress, and a jade green bag. It's ok to mix colours of handbags and shoes, as long as they are complimentary (usually on opposite sides of the colour wheel).

Dior Leather Clog

I bought these because I realised I didn't have any gold shoes. And what girl can live without a pair of gold heels?! Joking, of course. I'm sure many can. I have a few pairs of black and gold heels, but nothing just plain metallic. I have recently purchased a midnight-blue gown, and that is the reason for the purchase of these heels. I didn't really have anything that would go with them. But you could also pair these with an LBD, or even some more "party" colours, like pink, green, purple, etc.

Oscar de la Renta Metallic Nappa Platforms

These were purchased just after McQueen died, but I'd had my eye on them before that. I love the deep blue colour, and the heart-shaped peep toe is just so adorable! You can't wear these without a pedicure though, as there is quite a lot of toe showing. To make them even better, they have blue soles, too! You can wear these with black/white/cream or even pink or purple.

Alexander McQueen Heart Peep Toe Pumps

I purchased these about 2 days before he died, and was very glad I did, as they sold out within a few minutes of his death. Everyone was trying to buy up everything from his second last collection. They are statement shoes, so again, make them the focus of your outfit. A black dress with them is great, and if you happen to have a yellow handbag, that would also be ok. This clutch would be even better, but I doubt you'll ever find it in Australia (you can't ship skins into Australia without an import/export licence). I have worn them recently with a black dress and a black handbag with a black and yellow scarf tied to it.

Alexander McQueen Geometric Leather Pumps

I realised I didn't really have any classic black pumps. Well, I do have some cheap black pumps, but they're a fabric shoe instead of leather. I have previously not bought a pair because I always figure if I'm going to spend so much on a shoe, I may as well get something worthwhile. I mean, you can get classic black pumps anywhere. But in the end, I caved and bought these simple black pumps. You can pretty much wear them with anything, which makes them a great investment piece. You'll definitely get your money's worth from them.

Christian Louboutin 100 Jazz

I have only just purchased these, and they haven't arrived yet. I found them on a designer outlet site, and they were so ridiculously discounted, I just had to buy them. Plus, they're amazingly pretty. I haven't worked out what to wear them with yet, but black, white, cream, gold, purple, etc would be very nice with them. Even a jade green would work well.

John Galliano Leather Cutout Sandles

I don't own these, but they are on my wishlist. Sadly, I will never have them unless I move to the UK. They are python skin and can't be shipped to Australia. I just love the skull detail on the front, and surprisingly, don't own any brown shoes. I think they would work great with a cream dress, or even jeans and funky t-shirt.

Alexander McQueen Python Skull Pumps

These are also on my wish list. I love the fish scale effect of the leather, and they would look fantastic on a night out with a LBD. They'd also go amazingly well with just about everything else. You could even jazz up a jeans outfit with them, and carry a little silver clutch to take you from day to night.

Christian Louboutin Poseidon Peep Toe Pumps

These are also on my wishlist. I know what you're thinking. They're a hot mess. But I love interesting shoes, and these are certainly a statement! A statement of what, I'm not sure. But I do love them. They're sort of half stripper/half work of art. I don't think there is much you could wear them with though. It would be LBD all the way. These are definitely a shoe which would be the dominant part of your outfit.

Versace Intrecciata Metal Platforms

And now the boys can breathe a sigh of relief, as that ends today's broadcast day! This completely pointless and vapid post brought to you by the Queen of Inappropriate Shoes.

Und jetzt...

Senator Nick Minchin has announced he's leaving politics.

Well comrades, the creative juices have been flowing, the synapses have been doing whatever the hell synapses do and the pot is...errr...on the boil.

I've written half a dozen posts, each more hilarious and bizarre than the last.

But you'll have to wait for 'em, as I'm going away for a week.

Suck rocks.