I don't like my next door neighbour, Kevin. I just don't like him. One day, I found an empty XXXX stubby in my backyard and because Kevin is a dickhead from Queensland, I believed it must have been him that threw it. It musta! I stewed over it for a few days, and then went to my neighbour on the other side, Mal, who's a top bloke with ample riches and a gnarly surfboard, and said, "Mal, get this... Kevin threw an empty beer bottle into my yard."
Mal said, "Oh, What a cunt. I've always hated that Kevin bloke. He's smug and fraternises with undesirables. I've always suspected he throws empty beer bottles. Listen, you seem like a nice kid, let me help you out. I'm mates with the coppers and I'll get them to arrest him for throwing the beer bottle. Do you have proof he did it?"
"I think so," I said.
"You think so?"
"Yes," I said, "I have a video of it."
"Oh bonzer!" said Mal, and ran to the cops and dobbed Kevin in, as well as the Lorne Gazette, a fine A4 photocopied leaflet that comes out monthly, and they ran with it as their leading article, right next to the one about should dogs be on leashes at the beach during summer (an article which, by the way, is in EVERY edition of the Lorne gazette).
"Kev Throws Empty Beer Bottle Into Neigbour's Yard" the headline read!
Next thing I knew, the coppers were around asking to see the video of Kev piffing the stubby. I said to them, "No worries... it's just, I'm cleaning up the house and it's temporarily lost, so I'll look through my boxes and bring it to you tomorrow."
"Nurries," the copper said, and went to the pub to arrest a 21 year old man from Colac (this also happens weekly).
Later that night, the town held a testimonial for my good neighbour Mal, who was proclaimed a hero for sticking up for me.
I didn't attend. Instead, I altered the time and date of my video camera, set it to record, put on a Kevin wig, snuck into his yard, and chucked a fourex stubby into my own yard. I felt no guilt, none, because I was sure Kev had done it in the first place anyway.
I took the video to the cops the next day and said, "Here is irrefutable proof that Kevin threw a stubby into my yard. As you can see, the clock states it is last week, and that's not me in a wig, that is clearly Kevin, and there is him throwing a stubby into my yard."
The cop looked at me and said, "But, it's a full moon in this video. The full moon was last night. And by the way, Kevin is a foot shorter than the the man in this video."
I was then locked up in a psychiatric ward, Mal was forced to shout the bar, and Kevin went to dinner at Penny Wong's joint where they thrashed out some emmission trading concepts.