Monday, August 3, 2009

Lesbian vampire cricket players ahoy!

Useless, fat idiot goes out cheaply. Again.

After much analysis and consideration, I’ve finally worked out why England is giving us such a whipping in the cricket.

They’ve employed lesbian vampire cricket players as their new coaches.

Clearly the unholy powers of the undead give the Poms an unfair advantage; such as the power to mesmerise Australian batsman and the ability to fly (see above).

I call on the International Cricket Association to take action now to stop this foul and unnatural practice.

And how exciting is this series turning out to be?

20 comments:

Boogeyman said...

The Australian team also had the opportunity to employ lesbian vampires as their coaches, but they turned them down for Tim Nielsen.*

To be fair, though, Australian lesbian vampires spend all their time drinking West Coast Coolers** and saying, "Ay, cum here luv and hold me Winnie Blues while I suck yer neck. Refuse and I'll kick ya in the goolies."


* See what I did there? I used Wikipedia to research this 'cricket' game you lot seem to like so much.

** Passion Pop is also an acceptable substitute to the Antipodean undead.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Not a cricket tragic then, Boogey?

Boogeyman said...

Only when the lesbian vampires are handling the willow.

wari lasi said...

Only when the lesbian vampires are handling the willow.

And weeping it is.

Fuck the cricket. Great weekend of footy. Plenty of tight results. Pers, how's them Tigers eh?

squib said...

That's highly unlikely, Ramon. Vampires would never hang around wooden stakes like that

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, but these are very, very, very special vampires, Squib.

They're cricket playing vampires.

Boogeyman said...

Furthermore, no self-respecting vampire hunter would pay cricket ground prices for a beer and meat pie.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It's a bloody scandal, that's wot it is Boogey.

Van Helsing: "What, $6.50 for a luke warm pie and $6 for a light beer! Fuck that for a joke!"

notcatlick said...

I understand that Helena Bonham Carter was offered the coaching role (the one who became an actress after winning a staring competition). She was overqualified being English and a vampire

Australian lesbian vampires do not say "goolies".

Hello Perseus.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Are you Catlick's evil twin, Notcatlick?

Boogeyman said...

And hello to you, notcatlick. 'twas I, not Perseus, that said 'goolies'.

Please to tell of how many Australian lesbian vampires you have sampled to confirm this hypothesis.

notcatlick said...

Ramon I'm sure you've heard of DID. "Evil Twin" is so Sybil.

As for my sample size, it is larger than you've had hot dinners.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

This is getting very "United States of Tara"-ish.

notcatlick said...

My lawyers are papering Cody as we speak. She'll be shitting writs within the week.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It's actionable to be a smug, over-rated blogger, now?

Splendid.

notcatlick said...

Diablo Cody is a lucky talented writer. That's actionable.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You watch it, Notcatlick, or I'll go all obscure on you.

Mr E Discharge said...

It's actionable to be a smug, over-rated blogger, now?

According to Wally Sear, Yes!

Perseus said...

Oh cool, notcatlick is back! Always one of my favourites... Even though I have no idea what the hell she's talking about.

I hope Australia loses so I can spend the next two years smugly asserting that I'm better than the national selectors.

I've got no time for lesbian vampires. What's in it for me?

eat my shorts said...

Oh my goodness. You can totally see the undies of the dude who is jumping in the photo. Cricket VPL is so inappropriate.