Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Oh Gawd, this old chestnut.

One of the great markers that the holiday season is upon us is the numbers of bored hacks writers in the Sunday papers churning out pieces about what to do and not to do at the “office Christmas party”

For those completely clueless, said writers produce gems like “drink in moderation”, “don’t wear revealing clothes” and “don’t goose the boss while shouting ‘let’s re-create Operation Barbarossa, you saucy minx’,” and so-on and so-forth.

Even more painful are the humorous takes on what to do and not do at the office Christmas party, as witnessed by The Dev in the Age today.

Therefore in keeping with the clich├ęs of the season, I present the Ramon Insertnamehere guide to what to do and not do at the office Christmas party.

Don’t fuckin go.

For those who do work in an office, consider your co-workers for a moment.

Aren’t they the most insufferable bunch of arse-clowns you’ve every come across? I mean, you’d rather go wild on gin with Tony Abbott than spend a minute more than you have to in their malodorous presence.

Sweet Jesus.

For those of you who work from home, however, this is the perfect time to drink all those bottles of Polish vodka you’ve been storing and make abusive calls to the Pope while wearing a reindeer costume.

You know it makes sense.


Mad Cat Lady said...

They are going to have games at our office christmas lunch :(

Lewd Bob said...

Crikey, you've second guessed me there Ramon. Just brushing off the ol' reindeer costume as we speak.

At a Christmas party many years ago, a colleague and friend of mine got blind fucking drunk. Our manager came up to me and simply said "Manage him."

"Fuck that," I retorted cleverly, cracking open another free beer. "Not my fucking job."

I left soon after.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The party or the job, Bob?

MCL, what sort of games?

I guarantee they'll be shit.

Lewd Bob said...

The party or the job, Bob?

Both at the same time.

squib said...

Someone started to read an office Christmas party piece to me recently and I stopped them in their tracks with, They do that same article every year. God it's so boring. It will say don't photocopy your arse. I mean life is pointless, don't you think?

patchouligirl said...

It is always interesting the snippets of information that come out over drinks. I always find these gatherings useful.

Mad Cat Lady said...

there is a version of scategories and a list of letters which are the first letter of the words of the title of christmas carols and trivia :(

and they are going to award funny joke prizes :(

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Sound great, MCL!!

No wait, I mean, I'd rather on wild on gin with Tony Abbott.

Melba said...

Agreed, Ramon. Heartily agreed.

Puss In Boots said...

I am so glad right now that my office consists of myself, my boss, and my assistant. And my boss is very antisocial. Not much point in having a Christmas party when only 2 of you would go.

Although at my old Huge Corporation job, our Christmas parties were pretty good. But that was probably because I never drank anything and had left by 10pm, before any weird stuff happened.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

What the hell did you do until 10 PM if you weren't drinking Puss?

Puss In Boots said...

Oh, there was a sit down dinner, and each group usually put on a funny skit/video of some sort. I know that sounds like torture, but they actually all were pretty funny. So yeah, they started at 7.30, and dinner was over by about 10, at which time I promptly exited.

Leilani said...

I'm with you Ramon, I hate staff Christmas parties with every fibre.

However, I am not dead against games. At our family
Christmas a couple of years ago we had a family trivia quiz - all the questions related to things that happened as we were growing up. All the old boyfriends, neighbourhood eccentrics and bad fashion mistakes made appearances. It was fun and nostalgic - a bit like playing Galaga.

eat my shorts said...

Oh crap. This is on the what NOT to do list then? Bugger.

Because I quit my job six months ago, this is the first time in five years I won't be felt up by our office Santa when I go to collect my Secret Santa gift.


No, really. Don't take your office Christmas party for granted, because once you've quit, it's a bit weird if you rock up to it. And you'll miss it when you aren't allowed to go anymore, trust me.

Mr E Discharge said...

The best work Christmas party I ever went to was back in my days in the hi-fi industry.

The owner of the company booked a top rating nightclub on a Saturday night.

About 10 o'clock, Rat, the Managing Director of the company took the stage and began his address.

The speech ran something like this:

"It's been a fabulous year, and as some of you may know, it's made me into an official millionaire, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Over the last few weeks, I've given a lot of thought as to how I can express my gratitude for the fabulous work and the many personal contributions that you've all made to the success of this business. After much consideration, I finally decided on a single gift that would convey my heartfelt thanks to each and everyone of you."

" I would like to ask Paul Mc Kay, Our group Assistant Manager to join me here on the stage"

(Paul rushes onto the stage, grinning like s Cheshire Cat,)

" Paul, you've been with us for just under five years now, and as a token of my gratitude to the entire staff, I like to say to you just three things, Paul, we all hold you in utter contempt, we all think that you are a dead set cunt and you're sacked, effective immediately"

" Thank you all and Merry Christmas"

Best Boss I ever had.

homesick said...

Mr E , you have lived my Christmas office fantasy.

Now that I am a full time domestic engineer I must revel in my Childrens class party at Christmas. Best thing to come from this year's party was my 8 year old debating with the West Indian children of her class "If Santa isn't real then neither is God". Her argument was "I haven't seen Santa but have you actually seen this God person? No no you haven't so back off"

I love an atheiest Xmas.. fun for all.

Dr. Golf said...

All I want for Christmas is for the Age to open up the Dev's articles for comments.

They tried it once or twice during the year with hilarious results.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

And you'll miss it when you aren't allowed to go anymore, trust me

You're a sick freak, EMS.

And BTW, if anybody wants to have a crack at PSF tomorrow, you have my blessing to give it a red hot go.

WitchOne said...

I started a new job 6 weeks ago, we had our Christmas party 2 weeks ago. It rocked!!

Well, I did after a few margaritas, fucked if I know what anyone else did.

I still have my job, can't have been too bad.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You've got a new job Witchie!

Mazel tov.

Did you goose somebody at the Christmas party?

You did, didn't you.

You can tell us.

WitchOne said...

NOooo, not quite "goosed".

Well, I almost did Velvet in the back seat of the cab, until we both realised just how many rear view mirrors the driver had. He had a clear view right up my knickers!!

We behaved after that and still got ripped off. bloody Melbourne cab drivers!

Perseus said...

I have to 'host' a table of ten at a client Christmas dinner tonight.

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

Perseus said...

What's 'Velvet'?

Kettle said...

Legions of people seem to be going bare-foot lawn bowling for their Christmas parties in Sydney this year. It's so original everyone's doing it.

And Perseus, what a shame you can't choose the ten. Christmas parties are designed to fail, aren't they? Or at least leave you with murderous intent.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Legions of people seem to be going bare-foot lawn bowling for their Christmas parties in Sydney this year.

Pfft. How jejune.

Everybody's doing Croquet in Melbourne this year.

eat my shorts said...

You're a sick freak, EMS.


Oh. All right then. Maybe just a tad.

homesick said...

Yeah Witchie what exactly is this 'velvet' you speak of?

Dr. Golf said...

Sexual act or narcotic?

We won't judge you Witch.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I will.

I judge everybody.

It's fun!!

Melba said...

Is there a taxi/sex scene in Blue Velvet? I know there is in that Kev Costner movie, with Sean Young.

Come on, we are all on the edges of our seats.