Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Birds are crunts.

Feck off, you!

My loathing of owls is a matter of public record but now I’m forced to conclude the entire avian species has it in for me.

For the past week at around six in the morning, a bird has taken to waking us up with its particularly revolting early morning call.

If you travel long enough on public transport, you’ll eventually come across an older citizen (usually a bloke) with one or two hygiene issues and a hacking cough of a strength and quality which suggests he’s in the process of coughing up his lungs, spleen and a portion of lower colon into his hankie*.

That’s what has been greeting us each morning.

I suggested to Kitty that she might like do her job and remove said bird.

Her expression suggested that I might like to go fuck myself and where was her fucking breakfast?

It’s true, my cat is Father Jack.

*If you’re lucky, they have a hankie.

48 comments:

Boogeyman said...

I like most birds, but I particularly dislike the obnoxious little Common Myna birds that chase away all the others.

If I was older and nuttier I'd write a complaint letter to Whiskers asking why they don't have a line of Myna-flavoured cat food yet.

wari lasi said...

I too share your passionate hatred of all members of the aves class. We've got a rooster next door that starts at about 5 every morning. I've complained to our equivalent of the local council here to no avail. Apparently you're allowed to keep chickens but not roosters in an urban environment.

I'm sat at home at the moment and the bastard is cock a fucking doodle doing as we "speak".

Crunts indeed.

Boogey, have you read Matthew Flinders Cat? Bryce Courtenay shares your contempt for Myna birds.

squib said...

I love birds but I find crows a bit creepy. If there's a lot of them near me I start suspecting I'm going to die suddenly

Boogey you should write that letter. Write lots of letters like that and then put them in a book. It worked for Robin Cooper

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

What annoys me is that you don't expect this sort of shit in Preston.

I mean, if I wanted to commune with nature I'd go and live in Perseus' squalid hellhole.

Err...

I mean, Perseus' delightful rural hamlet.

wari lasi said...

Perseus is out stocking up on "quad stackers". Is that the name for the new four beef patties, four slices of cheese and two rashers of bacon burger from Hungry Jack's?

Mr E Discharge said...

It's the avian disrespect for our values that makes me angry.We pander to them left right and centre, Birdbaths, Birdseed, Bird Sanctuaries, the list goes on. Christ, we even named an outback town after them! And what do we get in return? Shat on from a great height. Nothing in return, just a burden on the public purse, defacing our public buildings and monuments, begging for hand outs in our parks and public squares, our bird cages are overflowing and nothing is done! Wake up Australia! Did Hitchcock teach us nothing?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Mr E, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

homesick said...

By joves you're right Mr E. It is like an abusive relationship. You left out bird flu, but really, I mustn't be too critical.. that was a splendid rant.

Spouse and I are having a game of 'spin' at the moment. Seeing as she hasn't yet officially accepted the VP role, the Republicans can still dump Sarah Palin on her nice butt (that was spouses comment not mine .

Just get her to go with the spin.. (this is mine)

" After much thought I have decided to declined the offer of being the next Vice President of the Untied States"

*cue ooo's and ahhh's from the assembled press*

"I underestimated the effect this honour would have on the very people I hold dearest .. my family"

I have & will and always put Country First... but there are times that every American must put their family up there to keep it company"

Thank you and god bless America"



Whaddya reckon Ramon? Thoughts? and no I'm not off topic.. Palin is a bird right?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Nice spin, homesick.

Won't happen though for two reasons.

1. It would blow a smoking hole in McCain's campaign with the election in November and

2. The Christian fundis in the Republician Party would go ape-shit crazy.

homesick said...

Yeah you're right Ramon but McCain will have much difficulty when he gets back out amongst the people.

Ain't too good at the ol' talking to the press is our wife- slagging Johnny Mac.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Maybe so, homesick.

McCain is still going to win though.

catlick said...

Aren't the Fundis torn already? Either Palin mothered a nest of 'fornicators' and/or can't manage her own household or Palin is 'living' the pro choice dilemma, bravely. What gauge shotgun at that wedding?

homesick said...

Lah lah lah lah laaaaah....

Sorry what was that Ramon?


LAH LAH LAAAAAAH.....

(Caps indicate a rise in volume)

Boogeyman said...

Betting agencies are offering nice odds that Sarah Palin gets dumped.

They're also offering better odds for Obama over McCain.

And historically, betting agencies have been better predictors of election outcomes than polling data.

Boogeyman said...

Also, I recall that back on the Hangover, Perseus bet me a dollar that Hillary would be the Dem nominee over Obama.

Perseus, I want my dollar, or I'll send hired goons down to your seaside shanty to kneecap you.

homesick said...

Thank god for the bookies.

Hey Boogey if its a goon you're after I believe Perseus already has a guest from the big smoke coming down to stay at his chick- attracting abode by the sea.

Just get her to thump him for you... at least you'll save on the cost of the trip

squib said...

Speaking of Palin, do you know that our car manual says we would be OK if we hit a moose at 60km/hour

Such a relief!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

betting agencies have been better predictors of election outcomes than polling data

Sorry Boogey, that's a political furphy.

The bookies tend to operate on conventional thinking, which is sometimes right, sometimes wrong.

For example, everybody new Howard was going to come a gutser in 2007 (except Dennis) and they were the odds the bookies were offering.

On the other hand, the bookies were predicting the NT Labor government would be comfortably returned this year and they were wrong.

To summ up - McCain in 2008.

Boogeyman said...

Well, I certainly hope you're wrong. The thought of the erratic McCain and his ultra right-wing VP running the US is a scary thought.

People will fondly reminisce about the good ol' days of Bush and Cheney.

Puss In Boots said...

With all of the information coming out in the last few days about her stance on certain things not being in line with those of McCain (or the Republicans in general), thereby making it look like she wasn't really vetted properly, I'm betting she won't be on the election ticket with McCain. I predict she'll pull out, citing her baby son and needing to support her young daughter through her pregnancy, etc. I think she's going to turn into an embarrassment for the party. And yes, I think McCain will suffer for being such a "maverick" and picking her out of desperation in the first place.

I also hate Myna birds. And there's a rooster next door to me, and I only live 7kms from the city. I think I'm going to poison it soon. Stupid thing makes an awful racket in the mornings.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Puss, given Brisbane basically consists of a cross-road policed by a cop called "Cletus", I would have thought being seven kms out of town would have put you firmly in the countryside.

And who do you think the US punters would prefer. a smart-arse black lawyer or a decorated war-hero?

Boogeyman said...

given Brisbane basically consists of a cross-road policed by a cop called "Cletus"

Oi! Cletus told me he has a cousin that lives in West Heidelberg, so watch yourself.

And I live 25km from the CBD and it only takes me 1/2 an hour to get to town in my horse and buggy. In Sydney, it takes 1/2 an hour just to drive down George St by automated vehicle.


And who do you think the US punters would prefer. a smart-arse black lawyer or a decorated war-hero?

Polls and betting agencies suggest the former.

And the sooner yanks realise that John Wayne was the shittest actor ever to fleck spittle on the silver screen, the sooner they'll stop voting for morons in truckers caps that resemble him.

Fad MD said...

John Wayne was the shittest actor ever to fleck spittle on the silver screen

Except in True Grit.

Puss In Boots said...

Nah, countryside is a fair bit further than that. I know. I used to live in it. It sucked. And took me an hour + to get to Brisbane. Ugh.

I wasn't suggesting McCain wouldn't get in. I was suggesting Palin wouldn't remain his running mate.

I am hoping the smart-arse black lawyers gets in, but I think the fact his name is Obama, and he's black, is going to make a lot of the ignoramuses in the middle and south vote for McCain. I saw some clips on the Daily Show where they were interviewing residents in these areas about who they'd vote for. I was gobsmacked by how stupid they were, and how convinced they were that Obama was an evil muslim come to take their souls to hell.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, I see Puss.

Except in True Grit.

And The Searchers.

Boogeyman said...

And McHale's Navy.

Anyway, I'm backing Ron Paul. I know it's a long shot, but for only a dollar down, I should be able to retire on the winnings if he pulls through.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

RuPaul's running for President now?

Cool!

wari lasi said...

Puss if you work out how to poison the rooster let me know.

patchouligirl said...

I dont mind birds, I had budgies for some years and they are an amazing pet, next best thing to a dog in terms of critter companionship. I had a budgie with a vocabulary of about 20 words and a taste for red wine. He ended up in a large aviary with about 50 other budgies which is about as good as it gets for a domestic bird. We get the suburban birds here, I dont mind their singing but some of them built nests in the roof last spring and we all got bird lice bites which wasn't much fun. We've put gutter guard in now to keep them out.

patchouligirl said...

sorry for the double post but I just remembered a conversation I had with Roy the budgie over a glass of red one night

Roy "what are you doing?"
Patch "fixing the sterio"
Roy "okay"

I didn't drink for a week.

WitchOne said...

Patch, that's beautiful!

eat my shorts said...

Roy "what are you doing?"
Patch "fixing the sterio"
Roy "okay"


That kind of conversation with a bird would freak the shit right out of me.

It would only be worse if the bird asked you to put its favourite CD on once you'd finished fixing the stereo.

I had a budgie for a pet when I was a kid. It flew away. Little bastard. I did teach it to say its name (which was Arthur, maybe that's why it nicked off).

Ramon, most cats I've met are Father Jack types, so it wouldn't surprise me if yours was. Gobshites they are.

WitchOne said...

What is it with Budgies and old mans names? I called mine Albert. Then the cats ate his body so I called him "head" and then I buried it.

shitbmxrider said...

anyhow...back on topic....


Goddamn cockatoos, they used to wake me up....ironically, when I lived in Cockatoo..

The Hack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie said...

Hello, all! By gar, it's bin awhile! So what's been happening?

Perseus said...

Finally, you're back Jamie. 'Bout time. I've missed your vitriol.

I owe Boogeyman a dollar, but he can get fucked for saying bad things about John Wayne because The Duke is fucking ace. Oh, and Puss is going to poison her neighbour's pet bird. That's what's happening. Woeful really.

Jamie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie said...

Whatever do you owe Boogey a dollar for, old son?

The Dook was a great actor, but he was a mincing nancy boy off the set.

And Puss is poisoning pets? Just a normal day at the TSFKA Towers, then.

By the way, do I get a special title just for beibng a commenter. I'll settle for Cunt Cunt for old time's sake.

patchouligirl said...

What is it with Budgies and old mans names? Roy isn't that old fashioned is it?. We got him a girlfriend but HG used to henpeck him.

Boogeyman said...

Welcome back, Jamie.

Perseus bet me a dollar that Obama wouldn't be the Democrat nominee this year. And he'll pay up, because I know where he lives. Sort of. I just need to find a coastal town ~200km out of Melbourne, then find a goth with a chainsaw.

The specific beef I have with John Wayne is how he is held up as the epitome of manliness by an army of hawkish redneck morons two generations out of touch with the modern world.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Jamie,

Perseus is trying to bulk up to impress teh chicks.

Oh and welcome back.

Stubbadub said...

*If you’re lucky, they have a hankie.

I was on a crowded peak hour train home last week. Packed in the vestibule with 30 other people, I kept hearing this good awful harking sound. It was so packed I couldn’t see the source until I was almost home. The sound was coming from a mental looking woman with a very short haircut, in a dark baggy sloppy joe and matching pants. Once the vestibule cleared I got a front seat view of her hawking up and spitting onto the sleeve of her sloppy joe before rubbing both arms together to remove the evidence. Truly disgusting, I feel sick just remembering it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Gee, thanks for that Stubb.

I was hungry before reading that.

Puss In Boots said...

Markos of Daily Kos being interviewed by Salon.com had this prediction for the election:

"You are known for your predictions. Do you think Obama will win, and what do you think of the Democrats' chances in the congressional elections this fall?

I think Obama wins and I think he gets over 350 electoral votes. I think Democrats pick up, it's easier to say four or five, but I'll go out on a limb and say they pick up eight seats, seven to eight seats in the Senate. And about 20 to 30 seats in the House. I think it's going to be a huge, huge Democratic wave."


Obviously, since he supports Obama, he is going to be somewhat biased, but I am naive enough to believe if he really thought McCain had a chance, that he would say so.

homesick said...

The hurdle for the democrats is that the majority of voting Americans are staunch Republicans, no matter who the candidate is.

I mean look at Bush.. major fuck ups all over his first term and yet he gets another. Sure Kerry was weak but still...

Some how they have to convince a great number of very small minded xenophobes that McCain is the closet thing they have to the anti-christ and then get them to change the habit of a lifetime.. vote Democrat.

Their guy could admit( for arguments sake) that he killed Jon Benet Ramsay, but if the Democrat so much as scratches his arse, they use it to justify a vote for the Republicans.

Ramon may have a point, but we can still dream can't we?

Puss In Boots said...

More quotes:

"It is a good thing for McCain, but it means they've completely abandoned the center and they're not going to get any Hillary supporters out of it. We're in an election where the number of Republicans is shrinking, the number of Democrats is growing and they cannot win on the base strategy alone. We can. For the first time, we can win on the base strategy. We're not running that, but we could. They're running a base strategy when Republicans are becoming an extinct species.

And you can't get rid of her. To take somebody who's been so warmly embraced by the Christian right and then to dump her for somebody who's more palatable to the center? Talk about open warfare. It would be worse than having picked Lieberman from the start. To me, it's fantastic, right? He's boxed himself in, he can't get out. So they're left having to defend somebody. And let's not forget another important point that I almost forgot because it's so obvious, is that they've completely negated the experience argument. That was probably the only argument against Obama that had any salience."

"Obviously, I'm not a woman, so it's tough for me to sort of understand the mind-set of many Clinton supporters. But I think it's telling that Gallup just released a poll today that showed Obama has done a fantastic job of solidifying his support among Hillary supporters. And my wife is a blogger, and at her site, she has definitely seen hardcore Hillary supporters so offended at the notion that McCain thought that putting a pair of breasts on the ticket was going to be enough to win their support, especially when Sarah Palin is so far removed ideologically from Hillary Clinton. Not just on choice, but she's a book burner. We just found out today, she was banning books at the Wasilla Public Library. She's virulently anti-choice. Go down the list, it's pretty crazy stuff. Clearly, if that was a ploy to lure Hillary supporters, it's not working. The data doesn't bear it out nor does the anecdotal evidence."

"You think there was an understanding that he was going to lose within his own campaign?

Oh yeah, absolutely. The numbers have been terrible. As much as the press has talked about the tightening national numbers, the state-by-state looks bad for McCain. And the underlying dynamic, the anger of the electorate against the Republicans and the incumbents who have dragged this nation to where it is today, is palpable. Pretty much the only task left for Obama is to more closely tie McCain to George Bush and the failed Republican policies. And that really isn't a hard sell at the end of the day."


I don't know that I believe McCain is going to win this one. Although I was shocked when Bush got a second term, so I admit I don't know what I'm talking about.

catlick said...

Puss thank you for that link. I ask myself why I care so much this time? It feels important, timely, transforming. Hope it turns out to be just that.