Monday, September 29, 2008

Fuck I Hate Hawthorn

In shock news over the weekend, Geelong Football Club lost their first match in living history. The fact that the match was the AFL Grand Final and the club was an unbackable favourite to win has sent shockwaves through Australia’s bogan hub, the greater township of Geelong.

“Who’d have thunk it?” said Geelong’s normally unflappable coach, Bomber Thompson. “We’d already planned the next four months of celebrations, including a 7-day continuous tickertape parade up and down Malop Street. Frank Costa had already paid for the 20m high Bronze Replica of the Premiership Cup which was commissioned to stand proudly beside Smorgy’s at the waterfront.”

It has been reported that as many as twelve players had already got their bums tattoo’d with a cartoon cat and the words ‘2008 Premiers’ in the week leading up to the match. “We figured there’d be a long waiting list at the tattooist after the match,” said player representative, the now-to-be-much-maligned Paul Chapman, “It made sense to beat the rush and get the tat last week.”

Reports have been sifting out of the Cattery that the team had employed local champion Craig ‘Buster’ Mottram’s unique Olympic preparation system in the week leading up to the match.

“Look, we thought Buster’s sensible tactic of, “I’ll probably win so there’s no point trying very hard” was wise and sassy,” said Bomber Thompson. “The fact that Hawthorn came out and actively competed for the ball and employed, you know, tactics, took me and the assistant coaches by complete surprise. At one point in the third quarter, we even had to stop eating lunch, put our champagne glasses down and return to the coaches box.” When asked why the coaching staff failed to change the game plan when it became clear they were losing grip on the match, Bomber responded, “There’s more than one game plan?”

Authorities responsible for sending urgent supplies of Psychological Counselors to Geelong have reported that depression levels have hit global highs. “Yeah, it’s about 75% of the population,” said Dr. Upyerarsz, “And they have all been put on Disability Pensions. It’s amazing what a shock loss can do to a town. Last week, only 71% of the town was on some sort of welfare payment, and that 4% spike is a direct result of their terrible loss.”

Donations of Winfield Blues, Bundy & Coke Cans, and copies of Cold Chisels Greatest Hits may be dropped off at local Salvation Army Centres across the country.

UPDATE

Reports that Cam Mooney, Brad Ottens and Travis Varcoe have had their feet amputated by bloodthirsty fans are thus far unsubstantiated.

11 comments:

Boogeyman said...

had already got their bums tattoo’d with a cartoon cat and the words ‘2008 Premiers’

Not a total loss. If they have room left they can always extend that to...

‘2008 Premiership Losers’

Fad MD said...

At least it was an entertaining game.

And Perseus, I do recall asking Brian Royal your question, but got so drunk I can no longer remember the answer.

Perseus said...

Oh, you soak! I was hangin' for those answers.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It has been reported that as many as twelve players had already got their bums tattoo’d with a cartoon cat and the words ‘2008 Premiers’ in the week leading up to the match.

Strange, but true Pers.

eat my shorts said...

One suggested he take an angle grinder to his arm.

Yeah, because it was the arm's fault. Take an angle grinder to his brain more like it.

I only saw the second half, but it looked like a good game to me. Mostly because Geelong lost, but also because there was some decent footy being played.

Stubbadub said...

Another beautiful example of die-hard fannery masking a total lack of intelligence. I think he should leave it on so that people who deal with him in the future know exactly how much of a dumbass he is.

Fad MD said...

Oh, you soak! I was hangin' for those answers.

In my defence, there was alcohol there and it wasn't going to drink itself.

I also asked him whose idea was it to put Richo on the wing, and his response was "not mine"

It was an interesting day, we got turfed out of the Intercon at 6pm and did what and group of inebriated people does in Manila... hit the bars and challenge transexuals to games of pool.

Perseus said...

Brian Royal played pool with transvestites? Brett Deledio is currently holidaying in my town. I'm going to tell him that.

Perseus said...

I mean, transexuals?

Fad MD said...

Brian Royal played pool with transvestites?

No, it was mainly teachers from one of the international schools here and a couple of odds and sods. Not sure Brian would be too happy with such a rumour starting.

wari lasi said...

Great post Perseus. Gave me a laugh anyway.

I was far too busy "violently killing wildlife" to see the match however.