I own my own business. I have one full-time employee, one permanent part-time employee (accounts, because I'm spastic at them), and a few casuals.
My business plan is all of two words: "Wing it." (That also doubles up as my company Vision Statement, and I'm thinking of using it as a slogan, you know, like, "Perseus Enterprises: Winging it since 1999"
But every now and then I think to myself, "Maybe I should expand, or at least try to. Maybe I should make a real business plan, or improve my 'systems' or whatever."
So anyways, I got this brochure in the mail asking me if my 'business processes flow smoothly', and if not, this company called Business Process Management (BPM) can sell me products that will help me to deliver 'efficient, reliable and competitive processes'. They have a seminar coming up too!
Being that I don't have an actual process, I decided to read the brochure.
They open with, "It's not just you - it really is getting harder to outplace the other guys".
Well, that doesn't help, because I know the 'other guys' and we all get along and I have no desire to 'outplace' them. In fact, we spend a fair bit of time passing work to one another.
They then tell me that BPM is, "one of the most valuable IT investments an organisation can make," and further, "...BPM provides the glue between your people and the disparate software applications that operate across your departments"
Like, umm, Microsoft Word?
They then serve me a quote from the Harvard Business Review... "In this competitive environment the mantra for any CEO should be 'Deploy, Innovate and Propagate'"
What, are they Daleks?
Next up is this ripper: "BPM helps achieve your business objectives by providing a consistent process layer across the organisation and embedding best practice".
By now I'm halfway through the brochure, and I still have no idea what this company actually does. Do they sell laptops?
They then promise to 'enable' a whole range of things for me, including a, "greater agility to react to business changes".
Now they move on to why I should come to their seminar (and by this stage, I was ready to sign up purely to find out who wrote this brochure so I could punch him in the fucking face).
The seminar promises to "...introduce (me) to the FLOWCENTRIC Business Process Managament suite."
Right, now they're starting to sound like Scientologists.
"Any time your business processes don't fit entirely within core enterprise applications, the answer may be BPM"
What the shite is a 'core enterprise application'?
BPM may very well be the answer, but I don't even fucking know what the question is!
They finish off by mentioning they've been in business for 18 years, and that seating is 'strictly limited' at the seminar.
Look BPM, I'd love to come to your seminar, but unfortunately my hair can't wash itself.
What really fucking kills me is that some cunt with a Communications or Marketing degree, or maybe even an MBA for good measure, wrote this impenetrable gobbledygook and no doubt got paid big bucks for it, and yet here I am, a potential customer, hating them because I was forced to read their rubbish and still have no fucking idea what they actually DO.
It is the death of language.