Friday, September 19, 2008

Language Is Dead

I own my own business. I have one full-time employee, one permanent part-time employee (accounts, because I'm spastic at them), and a few casuals.

My business plan is all of two words: "Wing it." (That also doubles up as my company Vision Statement, and I'm thinking of using it as a slogan, you know, like, "Perseus Enterprises: Winging it since 1999"

But every now and then I think to myself, "Maybe I should expand, or at least try to. Maybe I should make a real business plan, or improve my 'systems' or whatever."

So anyways, I got this brochure in the mail asking me if my 'business processes flow smoothly', and if not, this company called Business Process Management (BPM) can sell me products that will help me to deliver 'efficient, reliable and competitive processes'. They have a seminar coming up too!

Being that I don't have an actual process, I decided to read the brochure.

They open with, "It's not just you - it really is getting harder to outplace the other guys".

Well, that doesn't help, because I know the 'other guys' and we all get along and I have no desire to 'outplace' them. In fact, we spend a fair bit of time passing work to one another.

They then tell me that BPM is, "one of the most valuable IT investments an organisation can make," and further, "...BPM provides the glue between your people and the disparate software applications that operate across your departments"

Like, umm, Microsoft Word?

They then serve me a quote from the Harvard Business Review... "In this competitive environment the mantra for any CEO should be 'Deploy, Innovate and Propagate'"

What, are they Daleks?

Next up is this ripper: "BPM helps achieve your business objectives by providing a consistent process layer across the organisation and embedding best practice".

By now I'm halfway through the brochure, and I still have no idea what this company actually does. Do they sell laptops?

They then promise to 'enable' a whole range of things for me, including a, "greater agility to react to business changes".

Now they move on to why I should come to their seminar (and by this stage, I was ready to sign up purely to find out who wrote this brochure so I could punch him in the fucking face).

The seminar promises to "...introduce (me) to the FLOWCENTRIC Business Process Managament suite."

Right, now they're starting to sound like Scientologists.

"Any time your business processes don't fit entirely within core enterprise applications, the answer may be BPM"

What the shite is a 'core enterprise application'?

BPM may very well be the answer, but I don't even fucking know what the question is!

They finish off by mentioning they've been in business for 18 years, and that seating is 'strictly limited' at the seminar.

Look BPM, I'd love to come to your seminar, but unfortunately my hair can't wash itself.

What really fucking kills me is that some cunt with a Communications or Marketing degree, or maybe even an MBA for good measure, wrote this impenetrable gobbledygook and no doubt got paid big bucks for it, and yet here I am, a potential customer, hating them because I was forced to read their rubbish and still have no fucking idea what they actually DO.

It is the death of language.

Vale, English.

71 comments:

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Pers, apparently

"Business Process Management (BPM) refers to activities performed by businesses to optimize and adapt their processes. These tools [snort] can also monitor the execution of the business processes, providing managers of an organization with the means to analyze their performance and make changes to the original processes in real-time. Using a BPMS the modified process can then be merged into the current business process atmosphere."

Hope that makes it clear.

They are, indeed, tools.

Perseus said...

Oh, is that all it is? I'm so dumb.

wari lasi said...

Perseus, I used to like you, now I'm thinking of changing gender persuasions (no pun intended) and loving you. I know you're keen on finding new love. I speak figuratively of course.

Great rant.

I really, really hate this shit, and in business we are forced to wade through tonnes of it. I've commented before on the fact that people like you, and Ramon, by virtue of the fact that you "publish" are de-facto custodians of the language, and these fuckwits you refer to should be crucified.

Thanks, I feel much better, or reformed, or something.

And Witchie, if you're out there still, Cairns was lovely, as is my daughter. I'm somewhat concerned about your references to your beloved though, he's REAL and should in no way impinge upon our virtual affair.

Perseus said...

Well, I've been single here since Homesick dumped me, but I think I'm leaning more towards Puss as my TSFKA lover, because she's so delightfully oddball. Besides, I don't want to share you with Witchie.

Stubbadub said...

Which one is the drummer? Cause he looks like he would only work part time, but I'm not sure what the heavy bong smoking would do to his ability to handle accounts. Do you let him wear his wife-beater at work?

eat my shorts said...

including a, "greater agility to react to business changes".

"agility" = ability

Sheesh. Wouldn't it piss you off to find that typo after you'd paid for all those brochures. Red-pen it and send it back to them, Perseus. (Garn, it feels good, trust me.)

Alex said...

I would have guessed from that that they sold tailor-made computer software. I have to assume I'm wrong though, because otherwise they would have just said so, wouldn't they?

Perseus said...

EMS, that forced me to double-check. Yep, it's 'agility' alright.

Alex, surely that's way too simple. Maybe Ramon was right, and they sell spanners, or drills or something.

WitchOne said...

Good to hear Wari, Cairns is a lovely place to visit.. Very true, I shall consider myself properly chastised.

Maybe it's not tailor made computer software, maybe they're doing a Bill, remaking an old software to look and sound new without actually doing anything different?

homesick said...

Well, I've been single here since Homesick dumped me, but I think I'm leaning more towards Puss as my TSFKA lover, because she's so delightfully oddball.

The loving has never stopped Perseus my Greek god of a man. I was lead to believe the lust was one sided and after that whole Palin fiasco I backed off. I should be your MILF not some gun toting,bible lovin' redneck.

From a marketing point this is badly worded and more than likely the brochure is poorly constructed.

I know these seminars Pers and you do not need to attend. As you yourself said you are a small operation and any improvements to it can be done (or executed) easily by you good hot self. These BPM guys want you to cough up $$ to listen to the same sort of cuntspeak that you've sampled here in this thread.

If you did indeed engage their services they'd come into your office and work on a strategy to help your business work to its full potential.. ie charge you a fuckin fortune to tell you to cut back on overheads.

I hope I have made this a little clearer for you my love/lust.

Alex said...

I assume they meant something like "greater agility, to react to business changes".

Still, poor grammar doesn't do much to instill confidence in a product. Like leaflets that advertise car safety checks - for your piece of mind.

wari lasi said...

I shall consider myself properly chastised.

It wasn't that drastic Witchie. The highlight of our weekend was Gordon Tallis hitting on my (Emma's) babysitter at the casino, she was quite chuffed. And Skyrail scared the shit out of me, I've got no head for heights, but we did the Gold Class thing on the train on the way back, and that I would recommend to anyone.

Homesick seems very Perseus sick. I thought there was a ban on that sort of stuff.

And speaking of Perseus, did you have the family bbq yet?

squib said...

Oh...oh! I know Persey! What your business NEEDS is some of my button hair band things! On the counter (if you have one). They'll make you rich!!

Perseus said...

Wari - no, BBQ not yet, but we're going out tonight to a pub in Melbourne for a friend's birthday.

Squib - Sounds great, but no, I don't have a counter. 75% of my work is done from home. Still, it wouldn't hurt to have some button hair thingies. I suppose.

homesick said...

Homesick seems very Perseus sick. I thought there was a ban on that sort of stuff.

Phew thanks for that interwebs slap across the face Wari.... I mustn't look at Perseus's avatar when posting a comment. What was I thinking?

I must repeat 100 times "Perseus is NOT his avatar.. he is NOT his avatar"

WitchOne said...

At least you have an avatar to gaze adoringly at homesick. Wari gives me NOTHING! :-P

Ummmm, would I sound dreadfully sheltered if I asked who Gordon Tallis is Wari?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

What have I said about cyber kissy-face?

Oh and by the way. I am my atavar.

Melba said...

i too am my avatar. really.

i wonder if they called shakespeare an illiterate swine, saying that he bastardised the language? didn't he write for "the people" in a kath and kim way?

not that i'm defending that shite you write about perseus. just interested in perspectives.

ave don watson.

Mr E Discharge said...

I am my atavar.

As am I.

patchouligirl said...

About time I got one too I suppose. Heres one for the dog lovers (who I feel are under represented here).

Puss In Boots said...

Well, I've been single here since Homesick dumped me, but I think I'm leaning more towards Puss as my TSFKA lover, because she's so delightfully oddball. Besides, I don't want to share you with Witchie.

Who would have guessed that being scared of green beans and vacuum cleaner cords would net me a handsome catch!

wari lasi said...

I'll think about an atavar Witchie.

And Gordon Tallis is a relatively famous queeensland footballer. To be fair, he was quite a gentleman, he recognised her as being from PNG and said he had just got back from a trip to there (here).

wari lasi said...

How's this?

RandomGit said...

Yes, I work in the IT.

Yes, I understood every word of that brochure that you presented.

Yes, it's fucknuttery of the highest order.

Managers who can't keep a handle on what the various areas of their business are doing, even really big ones, would use this stuff. Bascially so 'everything handles itself' and they don't have to do too much of the actual innovating themselves.

If anything goes wrong, they can blame the staff for not adhereing to these Daedalean procedures.

You know this type of manager. The kind of person you and I would refer too as 'incompetent fuckstains'. Or you could refer to them with your fist. Whatever floats your boat.

Puss In Boots said...

Use what stuff, RG?? What exactly is this stuff??

WitchOne said...

Could be a new kind of vacuum cleaner bag Puss.

Love the avatar Wari, so triumphant, so very manly, it rocks me.

Stubbadub said...

What have I said about cyber kissy-face?

I second this, and further add, if you are compelled to talk lovey-dovey smultzhy crap and/or discuss inanities like avatars, FUCK OFF.

Such talk should only occur in places like whatever the TSSH forum devolved into or Essential Baby or for texting to Napoleon.

patchouligirl said...

Use what stuff, RG?? What exactly is this stuff??
Business Process Management - the topic we started with

Puss In Boots said...

Argh!

Perseus said...

Yes, PG, but what is Business Process Management?

Perseus said...

Oh, and the scary bit is, Stubbadub technically owns this site, so his outburst there can not be underestimated.

Let's just hope he has a cup of tea, a bex and a lie down, and arises on the other side a little more chipper.

Besides Stubb, I don't think we are in peril of evolving into a Napoleon-esque forum here. Not without her lactating stories anyway.

Puss In Boots said...

Who the fuck is Napoleon? Besides the diminutive historical figure, of course.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yeah, Puss.

I was going to say I couldn't see much point in texting Napoleon - what with him being both French and dead.

Mr E Discharge said...

Ah yes,Napoleon.
I so miss the thought provoking, challenging topics and snark ridden banter. I think my favorite Napoleon thread was "I think Vanilla is the best flavour, What do youse guys think?"

Those were the days...

Perseus said...

I used to forgive Napoleon's posts on the grounds that she was 15 years old or whatever, even the 'Hey guys, why am I lactating?' threads. But when she turned totally feral against that poor guy who mentioned his depression (even though she hosted an entire website devoted her to her daily aches, illnesses and mental variances) I gave up on her.

I do miss Kitten Wrangler though, and Roark and Blackstar, and Liberal Chump.

Boogeyman said...

Who the fuck is Napoleon? Besides the diminutive historical figure, of course.

Napoleon = Maddie.

All clear now?

Puss In Boots said...

Maddie? Kitten Wrangler? Roark? Blackstar? Who are these people?? Did I miss something? *sigh*. I think my boyfriend is right. My memory is going...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Maddie? Kitten Wrangler? Roark? Blackstar? Who are these people??

Puss, I think you'll find they are all members of Malcolm Turnbull's new frontbench.

Puss In Boots said...

What a nasty piece of work he is, to replace all the Nelson supporters. I thought that was a bit vindictive, even for a politician.

Mr E Discharge said...

I think you'll find they are all members of Malcolm Turnbull's new frontbench.

I'm looking foward to Roarks maiden speech to Parliament.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

From next week's Age.

"New shadow Foreign Affairs spokeswoman Naopleon has caused a stir by describing the Indonesian President as 'yucky'.

"I mean, like, he doesn't even speak English proper', Ms Napoleon said."

Stubbadub said...

Not without her lactating stories
Jesus, I didn’t realize it got that bad. Where did that forum end up going?
And my point is valid, as the chaff begins to outweigh the wheat when posts devolve into a discussion of avatars.

Mr E Discharge said...

Her Press Officer, John Cook was unavailable for comment.

patchouligirl said...

Yes, PG, but what is Business Process Management I can tell you what it is, but not how that relates to the brochure you received which appears to be a study in saying nothing at all.

Boogeyman said...

You know, Perseus, I could tell you what Business Process Management is.

But that would be no fun.

Much better would be for you to pay me scads of money as a consultant to come and tell you how to run your business using BPM.

Afterwards, if you still don't understand it, I'm happy for you to pay me heaps more money to come back and train you and your staff in BPM, including:

a) Pronunciation and correct usage of 'BPM',
b) How to use 'BPM' at parties to pick up drunk girls,
c) How BPM can best assist you with regular bowel movements.

If you still don't get it after that, I'm happy to sell you my best-selling book, "BPM and you - How to maximise your forward-planning life goals".

Perseus said...

Well if BPM can get me sex... sign me up!

Maddy said...

me maddy?

Boogeyman said...

me maddy?

Unless you've gone by the username 'Napoleon' in the past, then no, not you.


Well if BPM can get me sex... sign me up!

Well, BPM can get you sex, but the question is, how much are you willing to pay? We offer quantity, quality and low prices, but not all three at once.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Well if BPM can get me sex... sign me up!

The drawback to this, as I see it, is that BPM will only get you sex with teh chicks who are turned on by BPM.

Is that what you really want, Pers?

Maddy said...

Nope never - Thank christ for that - I am going to go home and drink excessively now.

BPM - sounds like one of those complicated emailing netbased programmes that send pestering emails about following up outstanding actions to meet kpi's - although many of the programmers who came to talk to the 'users' about process were excessively attractive and clean looking.

Perseus said...

"yeah baby, say 'core enterprise applications' again... that's it, yeah, oh god yes, that's the spot..."

Boogeyman said...

Perseus doesn't even like geek girls that like Doctor Who - which tells me he is underperforming in several KPIs relating to aesthetic appreciation.

This is where BPM comes in. We don't get him what he wants, we help him redefine what he wants. And we draw a nice 12-step visio diagram he can take to parties as an icebreaker.

Louche said...

Visio is teh sex.

WitchOne said...

No one bother with BPM for Dummies, it already exists and is probably copyright.

Mores the pity, I wanted to be a pioneer.

Perseus said...

BUT WHAT IS IT? AAAAAAUUURGGGH!

patchouligirl said...

Wikipedia has a definition as good as any . . "efficiently aligning the organisation with the wants and needs of the clients", continuous improvement, optimising processes and so on.

My question to BPM would be to ask for references or a client list because it is a bit puzzling who their target market would be - they are too highbrow to be relevant to small business and medium to large companies would already employ managers who can implement a business plan and develop and supervise business processes.

Perseus said...

"efficiently aligning the organisation with the wants and needs of the clients"

Software? Do they sell software?

WitchOne said...

Hardware.

It's a wankfest.

patchouligirl said...

It sounds like they are offering some kind of business training or consulting. It may be packaged as software, seminars, text books who knows? Are they an RTO? What exactly is their business management experience? Does the brochure mention any credentials?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I think it involves some kind of robot.

Boogeyman said...

Do you want software, Perseus? Do your clients need software, Perseus? BPM can deliver all you need.

RandomGit said...

They sell management services Persues. They come in, analyse your business, then set up procedures so that the business runs itself and you don't actually have to 'manage' your people.

It's sold as a holy grail of business management, but it's based in the broken idea that people will always do exactly what they are told all the time and not desire change of any sort.

Sure, they throw in terms like continuous improvement and optimization to cover that. But it's just a means to distract you from the fact that they are polishing a turd.

So to answer your question again, they are selling you some extra managers for a time to come in, reorganise your business, sell you some IT equipment into the bargain, then bugger off and leave you too it.

Cunts!

Need more? I got plenty of pent up frustration to share on the topic.

wari lasi said...

But it's just a means to distract you from the fact that they are polishing a turd.

Nice. I think I'll shamelessly plagiarise that quote random.

All of these mobs are arseholes, just reading their blurbs gives me the shits. I can't help but feel, "What makes you guys think I'm a complete idiot?"

Perseus said...

So it's a person? A person comes in and does stuff? Why can't they just say that? I'm not being silly, I really thought it was some IT product that could maybe link my accounts programs to my quoting system or whatever.

RandomGit said...

You want your accounts program linked to your quoting system?

A quick browse on sourceforge reveals this.

Now you can pay me $85 bucks an hour to set you up and take you through it.

Or, you can tell me to go eat an arsehole.

At least I didn't give you a vauge brochure designed to convince you of an intangible fear for which only I have an intangible solution at an intangible price that will hit you like a small planetoid moving at a large fraction of the speed of light.

WitchOne said...

SOLD Random!!

Sorry, your pitch was so heartfelt that it got me right "here".

homesick said...

So it's a person? A person comes in and does stuff?

Ummm I did say this earlier on in the thread.

If you did indeed engage their services they'd come into your office and work on a strategy to help your business work to its full potential.. ie charge you a fuckin fortune to tell you to cut back on overheads.


Obviously the avatar comment is all I'll be remembered for.

I'm understanding a litle more of how Tania Zaetta must've felt.

WitchOne said...

Didn't she sleep with half the army HS?

Oh, is that what you meant?

wari lasi said...

Naughty girl Witchie.

Isn't she suing over that? Didn't Angry Anderson start the rumour? It all seems so long ago now.

Perseus said...

Aw don't be like that Homesick my former love. See, I thought your original comment inferred that someone would come in and install something (because they had announced themselves as being 'IT'), and I wanted to know what that thing was. Hence my confusion.

I hope in time you'll learn to accept Puss.

RandomGit said...

They don't just want to install something. They want to get in your pocket and see just how much installing they can sell you before you've had enough.

It's cultish marketing mixed with IT and it fills me with the urge to kill.