Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Armchair Expert

I urge non-cricket-loving TSFKA-ers to get into The Ashes which starts on July 8 this year. As a sporting spectacle, it's just another series of cricket test matches, but as an event, it is a traditional and wonderful chance to smash up whinging poms and get revenge on them for sending us to this god-foresaken desert hell for stealing a loaf of bread.

Also, it will be handy to have even a dilletante's knowledge so when me, Catlick, Ramon and Bob suddenly say, "Fucking Hussey" you won't think it's a typo-ridden outburst against some trollop in the news. The Ashes is so important, we may even get 'Jamie' back because if I remember rightly, he and Ramon are co-Presidents of the 'Sack that Inbreed as Captain' (S.I.C.) club.

It also about regaining some pride after they beat us last time The Ashes was played in England. Who can forget the English cheer squad singing "You're Only Good At Swimming" and "God Save Your Queen" on the final day of the final test back in 2005? It was only Shane Warne that stood up to them in that whole series, and he had the awful task of bowling the last ball of the lost series (although a slow spin bowler, he bowled a bouncer at Flintoff's head).

Today, the touring team was announced. It is:

Ricky Ponting, captain
Michael Clarke, vice-captain
Stuart Clark
Brad Haddin
Nathan Hauritz
Ben Hilfenhaus
Phillip Hughes
Michael Hussey
Mitchell Johnson
Simon Katich
Brett Lee
Graham Manou
Andrew McDonald
Marcus North
Peter Siddle
Shane Watson

...and already the bogans are screaming for blood because of the exclusion of Andrew 'Roy' Symonds. But ignore this. In the last two years he has struggled to even bowl at all, he can hardly hit, looks too unfit to run and has been plagued with injury and behavioural problems*. At his peak he was fucking exciting and brilliant to watch, but his peak was a long time ago. The reason the bogans are having a sook is because Symonds is Bogan Pinup-God.

He has been replaced as the Number One all-rounder with Andrew 'McRanga' McDonald who as far as I'm concerned is a great choice. His bowling, although not awesome, is tight, very controlled and almost impossible to score off. His batting, once it gets going, is quite awesome. He is also young, enthusiastic and heralds the future of our cricketing team.

But I have other problems with the selections.

Brett 'Binger' Lee? Is he even still playing? Was he ever any good? What the fuck?

Michael 'Mr. Cricket' Hussey? Don't get me wrong, he's wonderful to watch when he's on a roll, but the only roll he's on is a pork roll, and when your batting average starts to resemble your shoe-size, it's time to go.

So I'm already calling for the selector's heads.

Tait should have been picked. Yeah, he has mental illness and when he bowls, the ball can go anywhere between middle-stump and the Gents, but I've seen him smash actual IQ-points out of batsmen's heads he's that fast.

And they should have swapped Michael Hussey for David Hodge, who is just as good a batsman as Hussey, but happens to be able to bowl a bit too.

Meanwhile, Hautitz has been chosen because he's our best specialist spinner. It reminds me of the great line by John Lennon. Given the style of music, he was asked if Ringo was the best drummer for The Beatles, and he replied, "Ringo wasn't even the best drummer in The Beatles." Hauritz may be the best specialist spinner in Australia, but even so, I'd still smash him out of the ground and I'm an utter spac of a batsman. Clarke and Katich are already in the team, and they can bowl good spin. Just use them! And pick another batsman, like Hodge?

From my armchair, I am better that the Australian Selection Committee.

Meanwhile, England are finding form in recent months, and so the battle will be hot.

Can't wait.

* I agree with Leaping Larry L though - when Roy decided to ditch a team 'meeting' for a fishing excusrion, he did what we all feel is morally right. Is there anything more over-rated than a 'meeting'?


Perseus said...

Lewd Bob: Fix your fucking clock.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Bob, you need to change the time zone on your settings format.

Boogeyman said...

I glazed over after I urge non-cricket-loving TSFKA-ers to get into The Ashes .

What was the article about?

Perseus said...

It moved like magic! Thank you.

Boogeyman - it was a piece comparing Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica and which one has the better science behind its fiction... so you would have loved it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The Poms do seem to be finding some form at last, so it should be a cracking series.

I'm sorry Boogey, were you saying something?

Lewd Bob said...

I have no idea what you're talking about. Your post is dated Friday May 22.

catlick said...

How long before we have the technology to virtually sit and watch play from silly mid on, or gully? I want to have a fielders view on occasion. Oh, and good post btw. Will we miss nein's technology? How will SBS cope?

eat my shorts said...

I've never liked Symonds or Clarke. And that's all I have to say about that.

Is it true that they call it 'silly mid-on' that because you're silly to stand so close to where the ball could hit you?

And, what's a maiden over?

And, what's an over?

catlick said...

A maiden over is one in which no runs are scored. A wicket maiden is one in which no runs are scored and one wicket is taken. Double and even triple wicket maidens can also be scored, albeit seldom in occurrence.*

In the sport of cricket, an over is a set of six consecutive balls bowled in succession. An over is normally bowled by a single bowler. However, in the event of injury preventing a bowler from completing an over, it shall be completed by a teammate.*


eat my shorts said...

Ta, catlick.

And what about this silly mid on business, hm? Did they just run out of proper names for fielding positions or what? That's what I'm betting went on.

Melba said...

I'm willing to bet I am the ONLY person here to have owned Test Match as a youngster.

But more importantly, my niece has been quarantined in the Great Clifton Hill swine-flu outbreak. She has to stay at home for a week and take Tamiflu every day which tastes like "Starburst lollies."
I'm trying not to worry. Anybody care to put my fears at ease?

I've been thinking it's all been a bit of a media beat-up, over-reaction. But now it's a little close to home.

Desci said...

The only thing I have to say in this post is that people should indeed fear my wrath, and having the statistics of said fear momentarily on the front page warms my black, spikey heart.

Perseus, every cricket post earns you a Chinese burn next time I see you. You'll end up enjoying them and this will become a sports blog, but all's well that ends well, etc.

Lewd Bob said...

Sorry Melba, I also owned Test Match. My brother and I expanded the ridiculously small field (every shot resulted in a 4) with a large piece of masonite and some green felt, in an attempt to attain a higher level of realism. We created teams, played tests and one dayers and kept stats.

catlick said...

"Silly" refers to any fielding position very close to the batspersonage.

wari lasi said...

Is there anything more over-rated than a 'meeting'?

And is there anything more under-rated than fishing?

Good post Perseus. I share Catlick's concern about the coverage though. Will we have Super Slow Mo, Snicko, Hot Spots, Classic Catches (makes me hungry for KFC just thinking about it)? Not to mention Tony Greig pushing the $1,000 plus memorabilia, "Only 3,000 will be made"

And Ponting's a good skipper. Who's to replace him?

Melba. Worry not about your neice. There is nothing to indicate so far that Swine Flu (H1N1) is any more virulent than any other flu. If she's an otherwise healthy girl, respiratorally, she'll be fine.

catlick said...

re KFC...I visited Harmers Haven where a barrel of toxic chemicals washed up on that beautiful beach; decontamination drama in Wonthaggi as a result. Why were they worried? A barrel of toxic chemicals is a popular menu choice in Wonthaggi.

Perseus said...

The SBS coverage in 2005 was fantastic, so I assume it will be just as good this time around. They take English feeds so you get all the technology, with no ads! It's brilliant.

Melba - Lewd Bob and his brother played Test Match so well they were unbeatable. I can also confirm that they did adapt the surface to make it larger and kept stats. What Bob conveniently left out though was that this continued well into their late 20's.

Desci - if you give me a Chinese Burn, I'll open the windows and let fresh sea air in. This will make you cry and your mascara will run. I fight dirty.

Lewd Bob said...

I'd still be playing now if I could find that stats.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Are SBS doing the coverage again this year?

Perseus said...

I'd still be playing now if I could find that stats.

Bob, I bet they think you're joking.

Ramon - yes indeed. Stuart Macgill is hosting from the studio with Greg Matthews. These guys are good.

Last time, they had people in the studio discussing things, then when play starts, they just go to the UK coverage which is excellent, and you get people like Merv Hughes and Damien Fleming calling the action. Flem is about the best going around.

Perseus said...

In other news, Brisbane has drowned.

I don't expect to hear from Boogeyman today, unless he managed to build an ark.

Lewd Bob said...

Like I said in a previous post, Perseus, I just don't care anymore.

wari lasi said...

In other news, Brisbane has drowned.

I spoke to Mrs L this morning. My daughter goes to Stuartholme (it's on top of the hill at Bardon) and they got sent home the weather was so bad. She says she's never seen anything like it. Even here.

Pepsi said...

I am thrilled to bits that the "Roy" hasnt made the team.

Bing can stay, I hear he's wife hunting again, he needs the money.

Though why we had to include a second gloveman in the squad is a little perplexing.

Being the pre new wave-bogan born-cow punk-politicy-post pop-patriot that I am, I would like them to whitewash, but if we loose the fools might replace the pretender on the throne and give us a proper captain again.

Test Match was in the toybox too.

Cath said...


-Looks up and wipes sleep from eyes-

Is it over yet? No?...... Hmmm I won't expect common sense from Perseus until about October. For about a week.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Cath, I'm sensing you may not enjoy the detailed posts I'll be writing at the end of each day of the five tests.

Melba said...

Just like to remind everyone that Pepsi is a girl. If I was a bloke, I know I'd be impressed.

There a precisely four things I know about cricket. Mention any of the following and I will be all over it and flaunting my knowledge:

- out for a duck
- out for a golden duck
- full toss
- Lillee 'tache.

Make it five. I know what slips are, or where.

Perseus said...

Melba: Yes, when I saw that Pepsi dropped the word 'gloveman' effortlessly into her sentence, I nearly jizzed my pants.

Cath: You GIRL.

Pepsi said...

Melba is too kind

I'm with the Blues not the Bushrangers.....that should keep the jizzing away.

Cath said...

Cath, I'm sensing you may not enjoy the detailed posts I'll be writing at the end of each day of the five tests.Ramon, you are correct. But I will deign to give them a glance. Commenters are good at rail-roading the comments onto a wholly different topic.....

Cath: You GIRL. At LAST someone noticed.... I knew these boobs would make someone suspicious someday.

Melba said...

Not even a rise for my full toss, Perseus? A twitch?

Perseus said...

Coitus Interruptus...

You know, Victoria has been unbeatable for about the past three years, and how many playes did we get into the squad? Two (Siddle and McDonald) and neither are guranteed starters.

Meanwhile, the Blues, chronic under-achievers, fill half the spots in the team.

It just goes to show, if you want to make the Australian team, you have to suck a lot of NSW cock.

Perseus said...

...not unless 'full toss' was a euphemism, Melba.

You may know that 'golden duck' is not a Hans Christian Anderson tale, which is admirable, but to get the jizz flowing you'd have spot the difference between an offy and a doosra before it hits the bat.

Lewd Bob said...

Or perhaps, Perseus, the reason they are under-achievers is because all their stars are in the test team.

Lewd Bob said... get the jizz flowing you'd have spot the difference between an offy and a doosra before it hits the bat.And be a woman, presumably.

Perseus said...

That too, Bob.

Or be Mitchell Johnson. Surname Firstname aside, I have a man-crush.

Pepsi said...

Bob has a point there Pers, I think I have a crush on Bob.

So then Pers, how many New South Welshmen are on the selection panel then?

Go on, tell the people, tell em.

Perseus said...

I got it wrong. It's the NSW players who suck selector's cocks.

Seriously... Brett Lee? What's he going to do? Sing at them?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I am concerned, Pers, you seem to become aroused by correct use of sporting slang by chicks.

And by Exit Mould.

Perseus said...

That's not normal?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...



Melba said...

Looking forward to PSF. Select well, oh Ramon.

catlick said...

And of course in the midst of all this talk of jizz, cock and such, I google, as you do, "cricket, genital warts" and get this.

eat my shorts said...

No-one mentioned "sticky wicket", so I felt it my duty to do so now.

Not that I actually know what it means.

My little brother had Test Match. We broke it.

disa said...
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Lewd Bob said...
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