Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Midweek Mad Geniuses: Virginia Woolf

"The fuck did you say?"

"What?" asked Leonard, waking from a deep sleep and rubbing his eyes. He had been dreaming of his mother's chicken soup. He often dreamed of soup after a big night.

"Did you call me a lesbian?"


"Are you sure? Didn't you just say 'move over dyke'?"

"What? I just woke up. You're hearing voices again."

"You didn't say anything?"

"I was dreaming of my mother's soup."

"Chicken soup?"



"I beg your pardon!"

"You heard me. I don't like Jews. Their voice, their laugh."

"Well, you married me."

"I didn't know you were Jewish."

"I was wearing a Kippah when we met."

"I thought it was a bald patch."

"I read you passages from the The Fifth Book of the Maccabees over dinner at Goldstein's Kosher House!"

"I thought you were listing the specials."

"Bloody hell!"

"God, I should've married some christian from the upper class intelligentsia. Like Rupert Brooke. Or Clive Bell. Virginia Bell certainly has a ring to it!"

"Very funny."

"You never liked my jokes."

"They started to become a little morbid after your third nervous breakdown."

"You could hardly blame me! It followed the fire-bombing of my house by the fucking krauts!"

"Well, whose fault's that? You put a huge bullseye on the roof!"

"It was supposed to be a tribute. I thought I heard my father say that William Tell was coming to dinner."


"Turned out it was William Thackery."

"Well, anyway, this new place is ok."

"When are you going to start work on the extension?"

"Again with the extension!"

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."

"That's what you always say."

"I need my own space! I'm working on a new technique called 'stream of consciousness'."

"What are you talking about? Everyone's doing it."

"Name one."

"Dostoyevsky, Proust, Joyce."

"Fucking men!"

"Why don't you do what George Eliot did?"

"What did he do?"

"He's a woman. He pretended to be a man."

"George Eliot's a woman?"


"I guess that explains his vagina."

"Oy vey!"

"Anyway, I'm not going to hide behind a set of balls. I've started work on a new novel. In fact, I'm heading off this morning to do some research."

"Oh yes?"

"It involves filling my pockets with stones and walking into the middle of the river."

"Make sure you're back for dinner. I'm making matza balls."


Perseus said...

'The Waves' and 'Orlando' are fantastic books.

'To The Lighthouse' is awful.

She's hit and miss in my mind.

Shouldn't it be a room of 'one's' own? And put the K in know.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'd say another masterpiece, Bob, but I fear incurring the wrath of Desci.

Melba said...

"I guess that explains his vagina."


Fantastic Bob. I do not fear the wrath of Desci.

And it's 'matzoh' I think.

Until recently, I didn't know she was sexually abused as a child/young person and that the whole family was dysfunctional in terribly damaging ways.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I do not fear the wrath of Desci.

You wouldn't say that if you'd met her.

Melba said...

Not going to work, Ramon. So stop trying to engineer some kind of fantasy scrag fight between me and the luscious Desci. I admire her, I have read her entire archives in a slightly obsessive, stalkerish way. But I do not fear her. Oh, not at all.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Not even a little scrag fight?


Anonymous said...

I lost the trail of who was saying what after the 10th line.

Perhaps Bob if you want to write lengthy dialog you might do as the scriptwriters do and prepend the person's name to their line. Eg.

Boogey: Bob, this makes my head hurt. Clean up your act, son.

Lewd Bob: Yessah Mistah Boogey, whatever you say, sirrah!

Boogey: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Desci: Bob, you suck. Melba, I'll take you on in a jelly pit scrag fight anyday, bitch.

homesick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
homesick said...

'The Waves' and 'Orlando' are fantastic books.

'To The Lighthouse' is awful.

She's hit and miss in my mind.
I....I.....I think I love you Pers. No one has ever admitted that 'To the lighthouse' is .. meh!

Ok back to the thread.


wari lasi said...

This simply could not be more off topic.

There's an ad in today's Post Courier (1 of the 2 local rags) inviting land owners ect to purchase "The newly renovated Cumberland Hotel, Lorne"

Strange. Is there really that little capital in Oz at the moment?

Oh, and nice work as usual Bob. Perhaps a little more obscure than your usual offerings.

homesick said...

Lust for a fellow literary lover/critic is NEVER off topic WL.

*runs and hides from the Stubba onslaught that will no doubt ensue*

Lewd Bob said...

Thanks Perseus and Melba for your editing. The 'K' has been added (what an annoying typo) but I've seen various spellings of matza so I'm sticking with the original.

Point taken Boogey. I get lost in my dialogue too. Probably because I make no effort to develop strong characters. Good writers would also add an occasional 'said Virginia'.

Perseus said...

Wari - The Cumberland is a 60 second jog from my house. It's dark, damp and pokey, and worst of all, pastel.

But the views are good.

Homesick - If you love me so much, why did you dump me? Oh that's right, because I said Sarah Palin was a bit hot. My current e-girlfriend Puss and I are doing well, thank you.

(If anything will bring Stubbadub back, it's being lovey-dovey on his site. He threatened to close it down last time we expressed love for one another).

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Stubb left me the keys to this joint before he departed - so watch it with the lovey-dovey stuff you lot.

squib said...

Persey, that's good to know. I have always thought she was very boring but the only book I ever tried was 'To the Lighthouse'

Lewd, I thought that was hilarious and very beautifully laid out

A relative of mine knew someone who went to Leonard's house to borrow a manuscript. He just wanted to get this manuscript but Leonard dragged him down to the place where 'it' happened, to show him the very spot

homesick said...

Oh Pers please. I never dumped you.. just simply questioned your hawtness requirements when it came to women. The Republician/ homophobe/racist chick just doesn't match your profile.

Good luck with e-girl. Hope she doesn't shoot caribou.

I did the works of one Ms Woolf for my HSC. Passed I did... still not fan of most of her work but damm it I'm great at doing a HSC level critic of it.

Perseus said...

I looked it up. You exact words were, "Pop! goes the Perseus lust balloon."

I took that as a dumping! I have my pride!

Actually, no I don't.

Squib, did he get the manuscript? And if so, how much would it sell for on e-bay?

homesick said...

The balloon has been mended and is inflated once again. I forgive you for the Palin incident.

I would also like to take this opportunity that, along with Ramon's Friday poetry and Perseus's sports roundup, we must have a weekly comedic hypothetical convesation between cultural icons segment from Lewd Robert.

All those in favour say.... yep.

Perseus said...


And I accept your forgiveness, but now that I have my teetotalling, Spanish-speaking, asbergerian, ex-stripper, $1200 handbag wearin', motorbike-ridin' girlfriend who's scared of green beans and vaccuum cords, I can't go back.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...


This Friday's poem will be a cracker.

homesick said...

Can we not share you PQ?
At the same time?

Looking forward to a smashing poem Mr INH.... love Fridays!

Lewd Bob said...

I've done it nearly weekly for a couple of months and I'm already out of ideas.

wari lasi said...


Lousy day here. Dark, rainy, cold (about 26). And I've got a cold. No, it must be pig flu. Why doesn't anyone just get a plain old cold these days?

squib said...

I dunno. It would probably sell for about the same as a twistie shaped like God

Desci said...

Desci: Bob, you suck. Melba, I'll take you on in a jelly pit scrag fight anyday, bitch.I don't *remember* saying it, but must have. Hm.

And Boogey, I love Melba, so any scrag fights would naturally end in girl-on-girl action. I say naturally, but you know I'd fuck it up.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

you know I'd fuck it up

You and Perseus should compare notes.

Melba said...

Well Ramon, you didn't police the lovey-dovey between me and Desci, did you? Hmm, selective! Better give the keys back.

Anonymous said...

I love Melba, so any scrag fights would naturally end in girl-on-girl action.

I expected this, and that's why I specified for the fight to occur in a pit of jelly.

I say naturally, but you know I'd fuck it up.

I expected this, and that's why I'm only offering raspberry jelly. You can't go wrong with raspberry jelly.

Desci said...

Melba: It's cause he's scared of my wrath.

Boogey: See, and then even if I fuck up, it'd be raspberry-flavoured fuckup, so it takes the sting off.

Puss In Boots said...

If you're hot, we can share Perseus, Homesick. Dibs on the non-smoking times.

homesick said...

If you're hot, we can share Perseus, Homesick. Dibs on the non-smoking times. Hang on just a minute there Desci. I'm sure this isn't how Jack Thompson divvied up his time when he was living in a full time 'menage a trois' with the sisters.

If I am what is to be considered hot then we will share the smoking and and you can have all of the cricket season.

I am called a MILF by some... will that do?

Perseus said...

"Dibs on the non-smoking times."

So, when I'm asleep?

And anyway, I struggle to maintain a relationship with one woman at a time, let alone two.

I'm afraid you're stuck with me Puss.

And how did Desci get brought into this?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Friday poem is up.

It's just below Perseus' weird time travelling cricket post.

Desci said...

How indeed?

Puss In Boots said...

Homesick, I'll only take the cricket if you agree to take the smoking. I'll even throw in all the alcohol times for free.

homesick said...


So Puss, what will we do if he smokes watching cricket??

Puss In Boots said...

Hmm. Either we both have to endure it, or we take his credit card and go shopping. I vote for the latter.

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