Monday, May 11, 2009

Weekend Wrap

My weekend really started last Thursday night.

I drove to Melbourne and caught up with The Sculptress at an art exhibition in Port Melbourne. Because this time I didn’t know the artist personally, I was confident that I wouldn’t feel compelled to buy anything, but yet again, under the influence of the free wine served by a particularly cute gallery chick, that whole Pavlov’s Dog thing came on. I think I understand those people who get addicted to Pokies – they claim it is largely due to the sounds and the flashing lights – because I think I have some sort of compulsion to the red dot at an art exhibition. At least this time I had the wherewithal to not spend so much and I did a Homer Simpson and bought the second cheapest artwork.

The Sculptress and I then went to Mario’s for tea (she, the salmon, me, the turmeric chicken risotto) and then on to see some bands at The Evelyn (Inverto: ace / Jackson Jackson: meh). I got home at 3am.

Worked Friday, went to bed early.

Saturday, back to Melbourne and caught up with The Drummer and we went to the footy to sit in the freezing cold and watch Richmond lose again. At one point, a six year old kid turned to me and said, “They’re not very good.” I looked back at him and said without any condescension, “No kid, they’re not.”

Off to Mum and Dad’s for fish n chips, more footy on TV and I stayed the night.

Mothers’ Day I went to my sister’s apartment with Mum and Dad for lunch. My sister has had some problems (pokies, prescription drugs) but is now mostly back to normal, except she can’t/won’t work. But the fact she can make us lunch is exciting because she hasn’t been capable of that for many years. Her son, my nephew, was also there. He’s just out of jail (two years, which was a year after spending another two years in jail) and he must’ve been working out in the prison gym because his shoulders were wider than the desert. He was in good spirits, and had bought his mum a giant teddy bear for Mothers’ Day. Crims still love their mums.

I drove back to Lorne and attempted my bi-annual roast beef. Dry again. I can’t keep a roast beef moist! How’s it done? Though the veggies were exemplary. I got into my pyjamas, fed the cat and watched a DVD, and fell asleep.

Yes, yes. A bland but comfortably safe weekend. No sex, no chance at sex, no gossip. But I have three points to make.

1. I did some things, which I have struggled to do in the past month... you know, things have been a struggle.

2. Throughout the weekend I was reading the essays of Schopenhauer, because I’m all highbrow and shit, and he says The Fall is the only thing in the Old Testament that makes any sense, and as such, we should regard mankind as, “...a being who exists only as a consequence of his culpability and whose life is an expiation of the crime of being born,” and what’s more, on the vanity of life, he writes, “ our amazement we suddenly exist, after having for countless millennia not existed: in a short while we will again not exist, also for countless millennia.”

I don’t think we should regard Schopenhauer as negative. His words have the opposite effect on me. I was buoyed. Life is fleeting, and whether we sit around watching the dust settle, or go to the footy, or achieve great or charitable works, or amass fortunes or amass debts, or go to jail or not... it doesn’t matter, really, to anyone else, and certainly not to the Earth. We’re all guilty, or not, and vain to presume our actions have any consequence to anything or anyone. Which brings me to Point 3.

3. With my newfound energy to go out, and the words of Schopenhauer backing me up, I’m proudly going to see the Star Trek movie next weekend. I'm even going to try to get a date. Nerd, you say? FUCK. YOU.

*** UPDATE ***

Also, as part of my Schopenhauerian "I don't care what anyone thinks because it doesn't matter anyway" epiphany, I have, after years of being told I should, put up an RSVP ad for myself. I'm giving it two weeks.


Lewd Bob said...

Well, at least you're a highbrow nerd with prison connections.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Alexander Pope noted that we were "born but to die and reasoning but to err".

Beef can be a cunt to cook. The trick is to cook it fatty side up and baste it well with olive oil before you put it in the oven.

Great post, BTW.

Melba said...

I reckon with the beef, try cooking it longer on a lower setting, and make sure it's kept moist as Ramon said.

You don't like lamb? Lamb is always easier to cook than beef. Try one of the marinated boned legs of lamb that you can buy in a vacuum pack - again, long and slow is the key.

Glad your sis seems to be on the up. Life is hard sometimes but I loved your take on it. Nice one.

And finally, sorry about the Tiges.

Perseus said...

True, Bob, but so far I haven't needed any prison connection. But I often do think that if ever I got into some sort of trouble, he'd fix it, with weapons.

Thanks Ramon. It was a lean beef roast, approved by the heart foundation, and as such, there was no fatty side. Maybe that was the problem. I did everything I was supposed to. The tray was filled with olive oil and butter. The beef itself was drizzled with it. I browned it before seasoning. I turned it over and over. And still it was dry.

Perseus said...

Melba - I LOVE roast lamb, and cook it regularly. Roast beef only gets a run twice a year because I fail everytime.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Fuck the Heart Foundation.

Make sure it's well marbled with fat.

Alternatively, ask your butcher.

wari lasi said...

My favourite Alexander Pope line is the "Hope springs eternal .." one.

Beef. What cut? I find topside can be very dry. Sirloin is a better cut for roasting, I reckon. Do you seal it first all around in a frypan first? That seems to help.

I had 10 people for dinner on Saturday night. Salt & Pepper Prawns. A vindaloo. Pork spare ribs (the hit of the night) and Portuguese Chicken. (no Nandos here, got to do it yourself)

You make me feel sorry for your sister. My mother's the substance abuser in my family. She never gambled though, I can't imagine much worse than living with a gambler.

Melba said...

I second the "Fuck the Heart Foundation" movement, but that's only because I have the most beautiful blood pressure you have even seen, as well as gorgeous cholesterol levels.

I don't like roast beef. I like a thick steak, or a boeuf bourgignon. But as a roast, it sucks big time.

Go the lamb.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Melba, my blood pressure also kicks arse, despite me being a heavy drinker and occasional smoker.

Yay me!

wari lasi said...

For my money pork wins the roast award, lamb comes next.

After seafood, pigs are the best animals to eat.

Melba said...

I drink too much as well, and used to smoke. I'm a bit heavy, and don't exercise enough.

So, yay me too.

Do you think everyone's hating us enough already? I know my husband does.

[hugs self].

Perseus said...

I lose interest in roast pork once I've eaten the crackling.

But I did buy some organic free-range ham on the weekend, a giant slab of it which will go on lunch rlls for the next fortnight. It tastes like ham tasted in my youth. Like ham. The stuff you buy in the supermarket tastes like cardboard with ham flavouring.

Lewd Bob said...

You buy lean beef but you're happy to eat the crackling on pork? Something's amiss.

Meat sucks. I only eat it because I'm the cook at home and my wife makes me.

I am now hiding under the couch to avoid the pummeling I'm about to receive.

Perseus said...

"You buy lean beef but you're happy to eat the crackling on pork?"

And lamb shanks I adore as well. I suppose it's like those fat people that eat a pizza with a diet coke.

But I reckon I eat crackling once or twice a year, and lean meat is my default purchase.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm going to have a roast pork sandwich for lunch.

Lean beef = dry beef.

Sorry Pers. That's the way it goes.

Leilani said...

Ok are you guys serious about a roast beef? That is the easiest to cook. Buy a nice cut, topside is still fine, baste it in olve oil and whatever else floats your boat (mustard/red wine/herbs). Make a few slits and poke some garlic in there. Then put it on a rack in the oven and leave it the hell alone. If you have a weber it is twice as good. Pull it out about 10-15 minutes before serving and wrap in foil so that the juices settle and it's super moist. Mine always comes out really moist and totally delicious. In fact I could eat one now.

Perseus said...

baste it in olve oil and whatever else floats your boat

Did that.

Make a few slits and poke some garlic in there.

Did that.

Pull it out about 10-15 minutes before serving and wrap in foil so that the juices settle

Did that.

I had to carve it with my chainsaw.

Leilani said...

Well, you must have overcooked it. How much did it weight, what was the oven temp and how long did you cook it for?

BTW - my mojo came back last week.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Leilani, where do you stand on the lean beef/fatty beef debate, which is tearing this blog apart like so much moist beef?

Perseus said...


Five minutes of turning it about to brown it, then seasoned it, then 30 minutes at 220.

Glad to hear you got your mojo back. How did it happen?

Leilani said...

Fat is ace. But you can still get a beautiful moist roast without it.

Those rack rib roasts are the best and have quite a bit of fat on them, but if you don't like eating it you can just cut it off. (Incidentally Ramon, Wes's at Preston Market usually do a great one.)

Perseus you sound like you did everything right. Maybe your oven is super hot. I don't actually brown it first, I rub the oil on it in the afternoon and leave it in the fridge for a few hours. Then I bring it back to room temperature before I chuck it in the oven. Was it red in the middle? I'm guessing not otherwise it wouldn't be dry. So maybe you just need to take it out earlier?

I don't know how my mojo came back. I woke up last Saturday feeling great, went for a really long walk, ate a massive steak for dinner and went to bed early for a few nights. Hope it stays this way.

squib said...

Yay me too! Bring on the salt! Except my blood pressure goes too low sometimes and I nearly fall down

Live long and prosper!

Leilani said...

Salt it also ace. My blood pressure also goes too low sometimes. What is that? My doc says there is nothing you can do about it but hydrate and rest when it happens. It would be great not to black out at the pool, I've stopped swimming because it happened so much.

Lewd Bob said...

I am loving that Perseus, in his post, touched upon Pavolov's dogs, Schopenhauer, the perils of crime, art, music, sex and the bible, and we're all stuck on the beef.

squib said...

Leilani, that sounds pretty severe. If it's interfering with your day to day activities, you should maybe see another doctor

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

My Rudd dollars have arrived!

Thanks Kev, you're ace!!

Lewd Bob said...

Jesus Christ, I misspelled Pavlov.

Aesophia said...

There's nothing wrong with Pavlova Bob :P

Perseus said...

Ramon, don't spend it all on beer.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ramon Insertnamehere said...

don't spend it all on beer


WitchOne said...

Sheesh, beef, look on the internet for cooking times relative to the weight. Forget whether it's fatty or lean (I prefer fatty though), just make sure it's at room temp and you lightly dust it with seasoned flour and don't bother sealing it. This creates a crust that is to die for.

Rest it for at least half as long as it was cooked for, in a warm place, covered in foil.

Art, we bought some Stella Hope of eBay. We like it but I doubt she'll set the world on fire.

Lamb shanks Tra La! - try this....

Large thinly sliced onion, 1 cup tom sauce, 1/2 cup mint jelly, 1 cup water, squeeze lemon juice, 4 shanks.

Fry off floured shanks. Saute onion, add everything else. Re add shanks. Cook slowly for about 4 hours.

Serve with mashed spud.

I need some more good shank recipes. LOVE them!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

An RSVP ad, eh Pers.

What are you saying in it?

Perseus said...

I can't link to it, can't worm out how.

But basically: 39 year old chain-smoking coffee-drinking footy-loving man seeks woman who will tolerate the above.

Melba said...

Perseus, you might surprise yourself, old chum, with the RSVP thang. There are many happy endings with that place. And I do mean that both ways.

But don't just put an ad up, you have to seek as well. Let me know if you need help, I'm happy to create a short list for you. I think I know your requirements.

In fact, just leave it with me.

Perseus said...

Please do Melba... I did a '2-way search' that looked for girls within 100kms of me that wanted what I had. I had 0 results.

Perseus said...

Pick from these five. I'll ask them out on a date and see how I go.

Puss In Boots said...

I'm with you, Bob. I'm not the biggest fan of meat. I eat it sporadically and only because I think I should. I've only cooked a roast beef once, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't dry. Perseus, have you tried putting a thermometer inside your oven and testing whether the temperature settings are correct?

Wari, pigs are gross. I can eat seafood 'til the seacows come home, but I won't touch pigs. Rather difficult in Spain, where jamon is such a huge thing. It's in everything!

One of my ex-boyfriends was a gambler. It was a horrible experience. They really do convince themselves they're going to get it all back. Once he started selling our furniture on the sly, I gave up.

Peseus, as for the RSVP thing, you have to be really active with it if you really want to succeed. It's like a job, almost. You have to trawl through profiles every day, sending those kisses, and if you receive them back, starting up email conversations, and never settling for second best. It takes hard work and dedication. Especially if you're a bit picky - but that's the only way to be if you really want to meet someone for the long term. I started internet dating in 2000, and it took me until 2006 to meet my partner. I had some relationships during that time, but for the last 3 years I realised I was wasting my time, and would only go on second dates if I thought they were going to be marriage material. I went on hundreds of dates. Literally. But it worked out in the end. I'm pretty sure I'll be engaged in a few weeks. My mother can't keep a secret and has dropped a few hints.

Perseus said...

One of the problems is where I live. 2 hours from Melbourne... they're not interested.

squib said...

erm... no, no, no, no, and no

is that it?

Perseus said...

Yep, that's it.
I reckon I'll last until 3pm tomorrow on the site.

The third one, 'Kazz33' was the best one. She has a nice smile. Though she has a 4 year old kid. At least it means she can breed.

Puss In Boots said...

Perseus, you have gmail.

squib said...

At least it means she can breed.such the romantic

I agree, also she looked the most intelligent

Melba said...

Yep it's 5 x no from me as well with your list.

So we like the long-hair do we? I guessed right thinking brunette (I think you've said as much somewhere) and also slim. When I did my search, the only thing I entered was "slim".

Try this list: EmilyG79, lostontheway (no pic, but something about her), Sybil77, Xnil, Cheekygrinner1, katie2004, dreamyday1, piratepants, mandrakethemagician and eudora. Bear in mind I didn't spend heaps of time reading everything, sometimes it was just the photo. What did you expect for a quick-pick?

For some reason I had you pegged as going for less conventional girls, so my list is a little less cutesy-pie, a little more edgy.

See what you think.

Perseus said...

I shall check them out melba. And a 'yes' to the slim with long dark hair. Unintentionally, almost all my girlfriends have had that look.

In the interim, Puss sent me a long email yelling at me for my foolishness and has given some excellent tips.

As such, I have narrowed it all down to one, and I have sent her an email. Let's see how it goes.

This is the one I chose to contact:

Melba said...

She looks a real goer, much better than anything I came up with. I like what she says about reading, music and moustaches.

Good luck!!

Perseus said...

It worked! She replied! She said I made her laugh, and she would like to catch up... It's all because I mentioned the Oxford Comma, and she was fascinated. My sort of girl.

I also went through your list Melba, and sent an email to the first one - Emilyg79.

eat my shorts said...

Perseus, I've found myself checking out RSVP (to be honest, by accident at first - it popped up in a Google search and I wondered what I might find on there, so had a gander), but have been too chicken to put up a profile of my own. And here's why...

So I was having a good old look at the profiles of single men in the area I'm moving to soon and thought to myself at one point, hey, I should just bite the bullet, make a profile and contact a couple of these fellas, they don't seem too shabby.

Then, lo and behold up pops someone I know. Who I went to school with, who I've known since I was sixteen and honest to god thought was gay. But isn't. Or doesn't know he is. So I can't put up a profile, because if he were to contact me (and he would, I'm a catch) how can I politely knock him back without hurting his feelings? Or admitting that I thought he was gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he's obviously looking for a chick and that might be a bit of a set back for that particular project.

One of my ex-boyfriends was a gambler. It was a horrible experience. They really do convince themselves they're going to get it all back. Once he started selling our furniture on the sly, I gave up.Oh cripes, me too Puss. My ex used to disappear for hours on end and before he told me about the gambling I had no idea where he was. I was convinced he was cheating on me. But, no. He was just stuffing his pay packet into the pokies. I lent him money once and he did pay it all back, but it was just never, ever the same. It didn't help that he was working and I was a povvo student and didn't really have too much money to throw around either. I didn't care at the time, it was more of an issue for him I think.

Leilani said...

Good luck with the RSVP. I know a lot of people who have had success using it, including a few that have resulted in weddings. I was helping a girlfriend of mine trawl through there recently looking for possible partners and I found an old friend who went to school with my brothers. He is now five inches taller and three years younger - who knew what power RSVP had?

WitchOne said...

Good luck with RSVP Pers, it's a good site. I went there once, set up a profile and all of that guff, and I got sex!

Not great, reach for the stars sex, but pretty good sex nevertheless.

So it's win win, you may meet the woman of your dreams or you may just get laid.

the projectivist said...

i'm blonde. and tall.

how tall are you Perseus?
don't get your hopes up though.
i'm not sure that i could go for a man who doesn't know how to cook beef.

Perseus said...

"don't get your hopes up though.
i'm not sure that i could go for a man who doesn't know how to cook beef."
And I couldn't go for a woman who refuses to use the shift key.

It's over before it started!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It's over before it started!

Isn't that a Smiths song?

the projectivist said...

ha ha!

kitten said...

I can't access RSVP from work, therefore I cannot tell if I am the woman of your dreams. However, I have a platinum blonde bob at the moment so I guess that rules me out :-(

Perseus said...

The platinum blonde bob does not rule you out at all.

The emoticon does though.

Perseus said...

Disclaimer - that piece of bastardry on my behalf comes from my Date-School teacher and e-girlfriend, Puss in Boots, who demanded I draft a list of non-negotiables (one of which was sound grammar).

Blame Puss. I'm just the student.

Melba said...

Now I am torn, Perseus, between MUCH respect re the emoticon, and continued DISMAY re the "youse."

Hate the emoticon.

Anonymous said...

Perseus, hating on emoticons makes Jesus sad, you know :'(

But then you don't believe in Jesus so it doesn't matter :) :D

But Jesus still disapproves of your emoticon hating :( and will probably tell his old man, so you might just find yourself smote by an :@ :@ :@ deity.

And when God smites things he's like all :| then he's all like H-)

Accept emoticons into your life and you will <3<3<3 everything.

Perseus said...

God can ->: my dick.

eat my shorts said...

This just goes to show how much teaching at a Catholic school has indoctrinated this non-Catholic: Perseus, honest to non-existent god, I near crossed myself when I read your comment.

Probably a good thing I'm leaving that school, eh. That's some fucked up shit right there.

kitten said...

Ah the shame! I guess having 3 University degrees and a reasonable grasp of English spelling and grammar count for nothing in the face of emoticon use.

Perseus said...

Three degrees? Now that could indeed counter the emoticon, but it depends on what the degrees are in. I'll be dead in the water before I date a Marketing graduate.

kitten said...

I think you got me again - I confess I have studied marketing. I have also studied classical literature and (unfortunately) quantitative mathematics.

Perseus said...

The quantitative mathematics bit improves your stocks greatly. I'm always attracted to people who can do things I can't do, and mathematics is one of them. I fell in love with my main ex because of her ablility to ride horses.

But your rather sexy knowledge of quantitative mathematics and literature is cheapened by the marketing degree. It means you are using your mathematical and literary brains for evil instead of good.

Do you like footy?

kitten said...

I dont work in marketing. I work in an engineering type role (although my marketing knowledge does mean that customers actually get what they want, rather than what engineers think they should want, which are usually two very different things! So I think I am putting it to good use not evil)

Depends on what you mean by footy.
I like both codes of rugby. I find soccer as boring as watching grass grow. I dont give AFL much thought so could go either way here.

Perseus said...

"I like both codes of rugby."


"I find soccer as boring as watching grass grow."


"I dont give AFL much thought..."



For the third time in less than a week I have to dump you, this time for abuse, and crimes against sport.

I shall never see those Gen X thighs of yours... sigh.

kitten said...

I think this time it would have to be mutual. I couldn't date someone who was really into soccer. Its ferals playing sport for the mindless amusement of other ferals (mindless, because who can watch a game where nothing ever happens and there is no score?)

But if there are any intelligent boys from good private schools out there who understand the finer points of rugby union, then I am still available.....

Anonymous said...

Why private schools, Kitten? Do you aspire to be a beard?

Perseus said...

I went to Generic High, so you wouldn't have liked me anyway.

kitten said...

Playing Rugby Union is a predominantly private school thing. Aussie Rules and Rugby League supporters appear to approve of disrepecting women and having group sex, so I'm being picky these days.

Desci said...

Why indeed 'good' private schools? Tell me you're being ironic otherwise you're making yourself look like a fuckwit.

kitten said...

Because I am an elitist snob who has aspirations far above her station in life.

That, and screwing footy players has gotten me nowhere!

Lewd Bob said...

I thought everyone here were proles.

Anonymous said...

If you're seeking private school thugby players for amorous pursuits, Kitten, then I rephrase my former question - do you aspire to be the trophy-wife/beard of some closeted boys-club-only barrister or private banker?

squib said...

Not me, Lewd. My dyed in the wool labor unionist grandfather used to drive around Yarraville in a Royal Daimler and he once told me we were descended from French aristocrats

Kneel, you plebs

Perseus said...

Yarraville, Melbourne?

Dude, 1869-1999, that was the slums. Arguably still is.

Your grandfather was having a lend.

squib said...


Dude, my grandpa wore a beret. If that doesn't make me a marquise, I don't know what does

patchouligirl said...

I've got a gorgeous photo of my grandfathers family (his father and grandfather) taken in 1909 at Yarraville. I have been told they were a working class family. Grandpa moved to Sydney and achived the dizzying heights of working as an editor for the Pastoral Review newspaper.

Puss In Boots said...

If my last name is anything to go on, my family definitely descended from peasants.

Anonymous said...

Isn't 'In Boots' Dutch or something?

kitten said...

Boogey, sadly I am too old to be considered for the position of trophy wife.

But I would be happy to be someone's beard in return for a household staff, a black amex card, and a yacht. Do you know of anyone suitable?

Anonymous said...

Don't give up on Perseus, Kitten. He's a small business owner on a 4 to 6 figure salary, doesn't own a yacht but owns a ship's steering wheel and possibly a rubber ducky, and no black amex but heaps of black nail polish.

Lewd Bob said...

Further, in his youth, he was an excellent middle distance runner, an accurate medium/fast bowler and fair to middlin' half forward flank.

squib said...

And you won't need domestic help as Persey hangs up his wet towels and uses Exit Mould

What more could you ask for?

Melba said...

Am I too late to say HE HAS A TUREEN?!