Monday, October 26, 2009

Weekend Wrap

Friday night, as is my usual routine down here on the Surf Coast, I went to Surfer Joe's restaurant at closing time where a gang of about ten of us gather to drink some wine and smoke some cigarettes in the warmth of the closed restaurant. Surfer Joe was keen for me to meet his new girlfriend who I'll call Crytsal because she's a crytsal healer or something. Being that Surfer Joe is one of my best friends, I naturally made a huge effort to bond with Crystal, but after three wines the mouths were loose and I unfortunately got into an argument with her. It spanned about an hour but this was the jist of it...

Crystal: Nice necklace. What is it? Some sort of agate?
Perseus: Yes, I believe so.
Crystal: Is that a favourite stone of yours?
Perseus: No, I just liked the look of it.
Crystal: It chose you.
Perseus: No, I chose it.
Crystal: Because of it's energy.
Perseus: Maybe, but mainly because I liked how it looked.
Crystal: You chose it for a reason.
Perseus: Yes, I liked it.
Crystal: No, because you were meant to have it. It chose you as much as you chose it.
Perseus: No, I chose it because I happened to see it and had some money on me.
Crystal: But it's two-ways. Precious stones also choose who wears them.
Perseus: No it doesn't. It's not sentient.
Crystal: The Universe decides these things, not you.
Perseus: The Universe is not sentient either.

(Insert half an hour of argument... which leads to her reading my palms...)

Crystal: You had great tragedy in your childhood.
Perseus: Nope. None.
Crystal: Yes, you did.
Perseus: No, I didn't.
Crytsla: You have buried the deep pain from your childhood.
Perseus: No, I have not, because there is none. My childhood was spent climbing trees and playing footy with Lewd Bob and his brother. My family loved me and we all had much fun.
Crystal: The palms don't lie.
Perseus: Mine does. It's a lying bastard.

(Insert more arguments... but fuelled my more wine, it was becoming loud)

Crystal: What star sign are you?
Perseus: Vicrailia, the mosquito.
Crytsal: Seriously.
Perseus: I'm serious.
Crytsal: You;re obviously a scorpio.
Perseus: Wrong.
Crytsal: Then you're an Airies. You're very Airies.
Perseus: Nope. I believe based on my birthdate, I am what the star-sign nutters refer to as a 'Cancer'.
Crytsal: Ah, yes, it all makes sense now.
Perseus: No it doesn't.

(More arguments, getting heated now...)

Crytsal: I used to be like you.
Perseus: A 40 year old man?
Crytsal: No, someone searching for the Universal truth.
Perseus: I'm not searching for any Universal truth.
Crystal: Yes you are.
Perseus: No I'm not. I was once a Buddhist monk. It was a laugh.
Crystal: Then you should understand all that I've said. You should appreciate that our souls are our higher self and that the Universe decides our fate.
Perseus: That entire sentence is completely anti-Buddhist. They teach the exact opposite message.
Crystal: No, they do not.
Perseus: Yes, they do.

I went home at about midnight, and poor Surfer Joe, who was far less opinionated on these matters, was forced to endure a few more hours of her explaining drunkenly the purpose of the Universe. He rang the next day and ordered me never to discuss matters spiritual with his new girlfriend whilst drinking ever again. I really need to learn how to keep quiet in these situations.

**

I had a date Saturday night with Obtuse, who you may recall I met at Melt-Banana only two weeks ago whilst on a date (a final date) with Suicide Girl (who, by the way, is still texting... she has bought me a painting from an art exhibition and wants to me to go to her house and pick it up. I'm scared she will have laced the frame with anthrax.)

The date was 'drinks' at 9pm. I arrived at the bar ten minutes early (my Dad drove me there, and we worked out that the last time he drove me to a bar was 1987), and I asked for a table for two and explained to the waitress that it was a first date. She took control and told me not to have anything but water until Obtuse arrived, and that I should immediately hand over my credit card and start a tab.

Obtuse arrived on time.

I was of course nervous in advance. Dates are nerve-wracking, but I was put to ease the second she sat down and pulled out a pack of fags. The next three hours was spent devouring many cigarettes, two bottles of wine, and discussing art and literature. I loved every second of it. The only awkward moment was when she leant across, held my hand and said, "You can relax," and I was forced to tell the truth and say, "I am relaxed. I'm just like this."

The taxi from her house back to Mum and Dad's the next morning was $55!* Fucken taxi-driver went the long, long, way and with my lack of sleep (plus attending to work matters) I failed to notice until it was too late.

Last night I went out for dinner with Surfer Joe and Crystal plus a few other locals. This time, we didn't touch on The Universe and instead discussed GST and accounts software, surfing, and the weather.






*Obtuse reads this blog so that's all you're bloody getting!

57 comments:

Lewd Bob said...

I really need to learn how to keep quiet in these situations.

No, no you shouldn't. You were right to confront this ridiculous flake over her patent stupidity.

However you did suffer a childhood tragedy. Remember when Fanta threw you across your backyard during a game of footy and you skinned your knees? It appeared to be quite painful.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Drunken arguments are grouse.

I once got into an argument with somebody about the origins of Yiddish that almost ended in a fist fight.

so that's all you're bloody getting!

Piker!

Perseus said...

..not to mention the time you and I billie-carted down that big hill and I hit the gutter and put a hole in my new shoes. Mum was FUMING.

*

I did tell Crystal that I suffered deep trauma in my teenage years, and she looked at me with sympathy and said, "Can you tell me what happened?" and I said, "Yes, I barracked for Richmond."

Perseus said...

Ramon, I think she wanted to fist-fight me. We had to be separated when the voices got too loud.

Lewd Bob said...

I barracked for Richmond.

That's not deep trauma. At least you have 1980. Barracking for Melbourne, Fitzroy, Footscray, South Melbourne or St Kilda in those days was deep trauma.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Arguing with the space cadets is almost as much fun as arguing with the Trots.

Puss In Boots said...

Ugh. I hate people like Crystal. I don't know why people can't just admit to themselves that life is an accident, we're all just molecules randomly bumping around, there's no omnisprescent being out there looking down on us, and when we die we turn to worm food.

I mean, I realise that's very hard for people to take, and that's why humans invented gods (for comfort), but still. It seems the human race has evolved so much in so many ways, and yet we still believe in imaginary friends. It boggles my mind.

Alex said...

You should appreciate that our souls are our higher self and that the Universe decides our fate.

It isn't possible that she was trying to grasp some sort of reconciliation between physical causality and the presumed existence of free will? Guess not.

Cath said...

Maybe Kitten and Crystal should meet?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Maybe Kitten and Crystal should meet

No, that would be a bad idea because Kitten is so smokin' hot she turns straight women gay.

Cath said...

But maybe they could both bore each other with their inane conversation and save the rest of the world from it. SURELY, Kitten is a crystal toting, aura-reading, palm swiping hippy...?

Mr E Discharge said...

Kitten is so smokin' hot she turns straight women gay.

I've been accused of doing the same thing, but for entirely different reasons.

kitten said...

Unfortunately, I am a right wing capitalist who will be retiring at 40. But I do plan on spending my future spare time being massaged lots - does that count?

notcatlick said...

But I do plan on spending my future spare time being massaged lots This happened to a friend of mine, after the car accident.

wari lasi said...

Great story as usual Perseus. Nice work.

Loose Shunter said...

Perseus,

A tale well told. Good to see that a break has gone your way on the last weekend.

squib said...

I knew someone called Crystal who married someone with the surname Ball. It was really cute

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

because she's a crytsal healer

Bloody crytsals, always getting sick.

Puss In Boots said...

Speaking of weird names, a friend of mine knows someone with the name of Beverly who is marrying someone with the surname of Hills. They're having the wedding on 9 February 2010.

I'm not kidding.

patchouligirl said...

I just love that description Puss - I'll be stealing it.

These mind/body/spirit people seem to want to be an authority on everything without having any sort of formal qualification. What a rort.

Lewd Bob said...

I also refuse to tell people my 'start sign'. Mainly because it's totally irrelevant to anything resembling logic.

Lewd Bob said...

Star, I meant star.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I tell people my star sign is "Bulgarian".

Puss In Boots said...

No worries, Patch. There's a good chance I stole it from someone else anyway. Or at least cobbled it together from various sources.

The Red Setter said...

I love Perseus.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Only two bottles of wine in three hours?

Wimp!

Perseus said...

Not only that Ramon, we were sloshed!

Thanks, Red.

Alex. I don't think her thought process went beyond 'crystals heal you, okay!'.

Kitten, you're a dick. And also a let down, because I was hoping you would accuse me of 'sexual harrassment' for taking a girl that I fancy out for a drink.

Melba said...

"Vicrailia, the Mosquito"

Beautiful stuff Perse. And you and Bob obviously went to the same dialogue-writing workshop.

So glad that the date went well. Thanks for sharing a little, more than I'd hoped for actually, so we were lucky to get that much.
I give you both my blessing.

patchouligirl said...

Yes it is nice to have the weekend wrap back. One thing that struck me is that although crystals may be sentient the bloody durries can run your life if you're not careful.

patchouligirl said...

may not be sentient I meant.

squib said...

However, the descendents of rocks could very well be sentient

Alex said...

Thanks for the article Squib. A really enjoyable read.

wari lasi said...

I recall reading something somewhere (apologies about not crediting the author etc) about a lady who went to some weird expo in Melbourne for psychic stuff.

Anyway, she pulled up to the Scientology stand and I quote her, "So I strapped myself in for some top shelf bullshit".

It was gold. I wish I could find the article again. She may well have met Crystal there.

Leilani said...

Wari, I think the article you speak of is this one:
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/align-those-chakras-heal-that-soul-set-that-wallet-free-20090609-c25c.html

(sorry I don't speak html)

My daughter had a friend over the other day who told my daughter that she was a Scorpio. My daughter replied, quite seriously, "Oh, I go for the Bombers."

eat my shorts said...

Sounds like a stonking great weekend to me Pers.

We had a long weekend for the local show. I saw some stunt motorbikes and some fireworks and a performance from the chicks from The Saddle Club. I drank some wine and some beer, ate some chips and a lamb souvlaki or two. Had nightmares that The Saddle Club turned motocross and here we are.

I think she wanted to fist-fight me. We had to be separated when the voices got too loud.

The last time I was that rowdy was when I went to an Italian restaurant in Melbourne and the person I went with tried to eat my tiramisu. Ordinarily it wouldn't matter, but I'd had two martinis and as it happens those things make me a little aggressive.

Speaking of weird names, a friend of mine knows someone with the name of Beverly who is marrying someone with the surname of Hills. They're having the wedding on 9 February 2010.

Puss, that is all kinds of awesome. Have they a bridesmaid called Brenda by any chance?

Boogeyman said...

I'm disappointed in you Perseus. I'd at least have expected you to keep Crystal as a back-up root in case the Obtuse thing fizzled out before 4am.

....

People like Crystal who refer to 'the Universe' as some sort of de-facto fate-controlling deity shit me. I have no problem with people believing in either a deity and/or predestination, but at least be up-front and call it that.

....

Also, if Perseus had his wits about him, he could have pointed out that if the agate necklace had really chosen him and really liked him, he'd have found a way to fuck up the relationship in ~ √-7 strange ways long before now.


I don't know why people can't just admit to themselves that life is an accident, we're all just molecules randomly bumping around, there's no omnisprescent (sic) being out there looking down on us, and when we die we turn to worm food.

Really Puss? What a delightfully crude reduction of scientific knowledge to clumsy nihilism. Tsk, tsk, I just can't imagine why those crazy religious peoples just can't stop pulling the wool over their eyes and see the light the special way you can.

Of course, last I checked, science only reported on how the mechanics of life works (or appears to work), and didn't attempt offer philosophic answers. But mebbe I just don't read the right textbooks, and haven't had the chance to 'admit' the truth to myself.

Alex said...

Looks like Boogeyman's in a fighting mood. Nice.

and a performance from the chicks from The Saddle Club.

Are they still doing that? Those girls must be in their twenties by now?

Dr. Golf said...

A friend of mine can read auras, apparently mine is dark green. Its amazing, she picked it up after attending a 1/2 day course out the back of a hippy clothing shop on Sydney road.

Another friend thinks that all illness, without exception, stems from the mind and negative thoughts. She once got into an epic drunken argument with another friend (who was born with crap kidneys, eventually leading to full renal failure, a two years on dialysis and a kidney transplant).

She got the last word in though, "I dont care, its just what i believe".

Puss In Boots said...

Yay! Boogey's back!

Perseus said...

Yes, he's back, and as cunty as ever!

"I'd at least have expected you to keep Crystal as a back-up root in case the Obtuse thing fizzled out before 4am."

Get fucked.

What a delightfully crude reduction of scientific knowledge to clumsy nihilism.

I don't think Puss's description is 'crude' at all. In fact, the opposite... it opens up all manners of wonder and philosophical thought at what we can do with this 'life' we are experiencing.

Puss's description allows philosophy, but you'd have us pay lip-service to the religions as well.

Religion is dead, but given the way of Boogeyman and his ilke, there may still be churches for hundreds of years in which the echoes of morons will be heard.

(Tea-towel on offer for last paragraph)

Lewd Bob said...

I don't know why people can't just admit to themselves that life is an accident, we're all just molecules randomly bumping around, there's no omnipresent being out there looking down on us, and when we die we turn to worm food.

It certainly allows you to get on with life if you accept this premise. Crude? Perhaps. True? Most certainly.

Perseus said...

Puss: 2
Boogey: 0

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I think Puss is really Catherine Deveney.

Puss In Boots said...

Hey! I resent that implication! I'm not a bitter and twisted feminist. Well, maybe 2 out of 3.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Well, somebody around here has to be Catherine Deveney!

Puss In Boots said...

Maybe Boogey is Catherine Deveney? He does like to impersonate crotchety old women at times.

I did see Deveney described as a "comic writer" in an article the other day. I'm pretty sure she doesn't write for the laughs, but perhaps whoever wrote that article thought she couldn't possibly be serious about the things she writes, and therefore it must be all clever satire. Because who'd really get their knickers in such a twist about marriage, or women changing their names, etc?

Puss In Boots said...

Ooh! Ooh! This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but I find it quite amusing.

I just found a book entitled, "Ink in the Hood: Tattoos for Darker Skin" by... wait for it... Randy Dragon Holder!

That must be a very difficult job.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

She worked herself up into a right old lather about Chadstone shopping centre the other day.

I like a good rant as much as the next ageing Marxist spin-doctor, but I can't say shopping centres have ever inspired such rage.

patchouligirl said...

Shopping centre rage is a female thing Ramon. I get the shits if there aren't any trolleys in the car park to plonk my toddler into because the stupid trolley boy has rounded them all up too efficiently. I get the shits with coin in the slot trolleys, trolleys with bung wheels, broken toddler restrainers, you name it. And thats before I'm even in the shopping centre.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I like to have a couple of stiff drinks before I go shopping Patchie.

Makes the entire experience much more pleasant.

RandomGit said...

Best argument ever.

I find I tend to just nod and smile patronisingly with such carry on as taking true believers to task over these things is like the SG thing. Been there, done that, I'd rather politely ignore your bullshit thanks.

Or maybe I'm just too lazy.

Boogeyman said...

Very nice of you to intervene on behalf of a comment replying to Puss, Percy. Very gallant. Very old-fashioned. Very blah, blah, blah.


Puss's description allows philosophy

No, Puss's description presented a philosophy that pretended to be derived from science, which science does not do. Science tells us only what we know and what we don't know. It is left to polemicists like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens to use and abuse science in support of a personal philosophy.

But what I was specifically objecting to in Puss's statement is that we should 'accept' that we are nothing but random molecules, etc, when science says no such thing. Science just observes that the world appears to be structured thusly, not that that is all we are.


Religion is dead, but given the way of Boogeyman and his ilke, there may still be churches for hundreds of years in which the echoes of morons will be heard.

If it's so dead, why do you get whipped into such a foaming apoplectic fit by the merest mention of it?

And pray tell me, just what is my "ilke"? In the spectrum of the religious vs the non-religious, I pretty firmly occupy the non-religious side. It's just that to you, the Wilson Tuckey of atheism, I must be verily be Billy Graham reborn, exhorting rabid proselytizing hordes to lynch the good honest atheists, when all I am doing is opposing the sort of militant bone-headed fundamentalism some not-so-bright atheists are espousing lately.


Puss: 2 Boogey: 0

Good to see your counting skills are as rubbish as your general scientific comprehension skills, Ironbar.

eat my shorts said...

and a performance from the chicks from The Saddle Club.

Are they still doing that? Those girls must be in their twenties by now?


These ones were probably about fourteen or fifteen. If The Saddle Club has been on for a while, the older ones most likely got replaced by younger ones. Bit sad really. It's not like there wouldn't be an audience for a tv show where twenty something women ride horses.

Alex said...

The girls I'm thinking of were fourteen or fifteen in about 2002. The tragedy of the child actor I suppose.

Hmmm, a show where twenty-something women ride horses and use friendship and strong moral values to overcome day-to-day problems. I'm surprised there isn't a show like that already.

Puss In Boots said...

I wasn't going to defend my opinion Boogey, because it's mine and I'm entitled to it like you are to yours, but can I just say I never said anywhere in my supposedly crass but definitely tongue-in-cheek summary of life the words, "science has proven" or anything like it?

Perseus said...

I think I'm more the Al Grassby of Atheism, rather than the Wilson Tuckey.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

What, you wear a lot of crap ties and you have connections to the local mafia?