Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Perseus's Soap Opera (cont.)

I did it again. I fucked up, but this was a reverse fuckup of the most profound kind.

For three years I’ve been a barren, single and pathetic love gumby... suddenly, I feel like a central character in a rejected ‘Bold And The Beautiful’ story arc.

Here is what happened:

WEDNESDAY

In the days following our date last weekend, Suicide Girl (hereinafter SG) and I kept in constant contact via telephone calls, SMS and Messenger while at our respective works. The chatter was always friendly, often flirty and even saucy at times. One can get to know a lot about a person online as opposed to real life because physical barriers are removed. One is not worried if there’s a bit of spinach on one’s tooth, for instance. I also reckon we are more brave talking in type rather than in person – at least at the fledgling relationship stage, because you’re not worrying about your body language or the same of the person you’re talking to; you just speak (type). Inanities, often, to be sure, but inanities help in the ‘getting to know you’ stages.

“Fucken printer shat itself,” she said on one message.

Yeah, it’s a basic message, but it’s enough to get a grip on what she does, how she thinks, what you can say to her. The funniest thing she said was about adding Kevin Rudd to her Facebook contacts and I asked if she sends him messages, and she said, “Yeah, we chat. I keep asking him for another stimulus package but he thinks that means I’m coming on to him. Cunt.” That made me laugh, and I was starting to really enjoy her banter, and we talked heartily and often. And with that free and easy chatter, walls were coming down. We were starting to open up a bit...

So anyway, it was all really breezy and charming, until Wednesday night. She was about to go out with some of her best friends. Meanwhile, I had a friend over at my house.

In came this SMS:

“I just want you to know that I am so happy right now. You have given me so much pleasure in the past few days. You have brought happiness back into my life. Where have you been hiding?”

Now, that’s a fine message, but see, I was with a mate, and we were in deep conversation, and I didn’t really have time to take it in, I wasn’t thinking straight, and, well, I kinda rushed my reply, which was just one word.

“Wow.”

I have since been informed by many people that this response was insufficient.

This was made obvious a few hours later, by which time she was shickered with her mates, who were horrified enough that their 24 year old little metal-chick suicide –girl buddy was dating a 40 year old businessman from Skegville, let alone one who just writes ‘wow’ after she blurts out her most heartfelt feelings.

The next message, later in the night, said this:

“I just want you to know that I do NOT want a relationship with you. I’m just not interested. Sorry.”

Well, fuck me dead. It’s not like I had even suggested it, or even entertained the thought. I was, admittedly, eyeing off summer... you know, summer lover, maybe, but I hadn’t mentioned it.

She had turned on me.

THURSDAY

I got to work and signed on to MSN and started chatting, but the tone had clearly changed. She was due to come to my house on Friday (she had even organised with her boss to take the day off) but suddenly she was being evasive to the simple question of ‘What time will you be arriving at my place?’.

Excuses were being flung about like confetti. Pay-day is next week. Her car was at her exes house still and she wasn’t sure if it was running, and anyway, the dashboard lights were out, and she wasn’t in the mood for seeing her ex, and she hates driving, she’s a nervous driver, and she hates buses (the other option), and she was feeling really ill, and tense, “I feel bipolar, I’m depressed I think,” she said... In the end, I said, “I get the feeling you are hesitant about coming now.” She replied, “You’re right. I’m just not feeling up to it.” I had a think and realised that was actually a good thing. She wasn’t into me anymore, she’s on the rebound, it’s starting to crash over her, and I’m suddenly an annoying and complex sub-plot in her life. Add to that, I was starting to think, “What the hell am I doing anyway? 24 year old porn chick? God, that’s just impossible.”

So, as the Thursday working day came to a close, she wasn’t coming to spend the weekend with me, and I was strangely but most decidedly relieved. One less complication for my life.

Enter Leggy.

You may recall from the MS Paint Trophy Award Winning Weekend Wrap’ post that Leggy is the new girlfriend of Fanboy, who in turn was the man who hooked me up with SG in the first place. Leggy was also the one who had offered me her friend that looked like a Horse. Anyway, Fanboy, Leggy and SG were all going to see a band Thursday night but Fanboy couldn’t make it, so Leggy and SG went together, even though they had only met twice.

Leggy and SG had a few drinks and got chatting. SG explained that she had decided not to come to my house for the weekend, but get this: Leggy, keen to impress Fanboy (by being good to me) TALKED HER INTO COMING. She apparently told SG that I was ‘awesome’ and that she should just ignore her gut feelings and come and stay with me.

FRIDAY

I got an SMS from her mid-morning, telling me that despite feeling very ill, a bit bipolar and hungover, she was coming on the train/bus, leaving Melbourne at 2pm. I had heaps of work and meetings, but calculated I would be right for a 5pm arrival.

At about 2.30pm she SMSd me to tell me she was on the train and having a panic attack.

I had to go to a meeting.

More SMSs came in... the panic attack was getting worse and she had to get out of the carriage and stand in the bit between carriages.

I SMS’d back and said, “Breathe.”

Later, she SMS’d from the bus. She wanted to vomit but the toilet was out of order and the bus driver wouldn’t pull up. She said people were staring at her and she was very frightened.

I was waiting at the bus stop at 5pm. She got off the bus and ran to the public toilets and spewed up for a bit, then came back.

So here is what I was thinking...

“I am 40. I like my life. But for the next 48 hours I must entertain a 24 year old porn-chick with a penchant for Death Metal who just had a panic attack and had to spew.”

I mentioned at the start of this post that I did a reverse fuckup.

Well, this is how that happened.

I was charming as all hell.

I had decided that this could be a weekend from Hell, or, it could be a nice weekend if only I was prepared to give the girl attention and proper care, and decided that it should be the latter because I am first and foremost, a gentleman.

I said to her, “Look, I know this has been a drama... getting here has been all turmoil. I had planned to take you out to a cafe and a bar tonight, meet the locals, get pissed and have a rockin’ night, but I don’t think that’s a good idea any more. You’re on edge, and you’re not sure about me, I understand this. I also know what to do when people are having panic attacks. I know not to expect you to communicate with me, but I know I should also offer you company, support, and something to focus on. So, here’s my plan. I know you love nature documentaries. I have Blue Planet and Planet Earth complete series. That’s 20 hours of nature documentary. How about we go back to my place, have baked beans on toast and cups of tea, sit in the dark and watch them?”

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, “That is the best thing you could possibly say to me right now.”

I took her home.

I turned the lights off.

We got into pyjamas.

I put on Blue Planet.

We watched it for two minutes.

She grabbed my hand and put it on her boob.

There was sex.

Then there was more documentary.

Then there was sex again.

More documentary.

Then more sex. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I have sex three times in six months now I’m having it three times in one night.

Luckily, I cramped.

I was standing, and my calf cramped and I had to get off and do all these very un-sexy stretches (in the nude) to get rid of the cramp and I was thinking, “Well, she’s never going to want to have sex with me again. I look so hideous doing this,” but no, once the cramp was gone, there was more sex, so I reckon it was four times in the one night, but she would claim three.

We were asleep by 10pm.

SATURDAY

Started with sex.

Then we went for coffee and brekky and she met my best mate in town, The Mermaid (mentioned here often) plus a few other members of my local gang.

Then there was more sex.

And then some more.

I seriously feared dying. I was so puffed, and my leg almost cramped again and I think my appendix started to flare.

We went for a walk, and also did some shopping (I bought her a bikini). To thank me for the bikini she gave me more sex. We walked to the beach and she sat in her bikini as I lay beside her fully clothed. She lay on top of me.

It’s not that I’m being ungrateful, I mean, the sex and the attention was awesome and welcome, but jesus, I’m 40, and I wanted to watch Lateline.

Saturday night, everything went totally weird. And by that, I mean 'weirder'.

I took her out for dinner at a place that is run by one of my best mates, Surfer Joe, which doubles up as a hangout for me and my particular gang of locals (there’s about 8 regulars in my life here), all of whom were keen to meet SG. Because she was with me, they all laid on the charm and made her feel welcome and she mingled well enough (though as she drinks, she does ramble a bit), and all was cordial and comfortable.

Then she spoke to me, and this conversation I include below is actually a composite of several conversations we had over the course of the next three hours, but everything in here was said...

SG: I love it here. Love it. Everyone I’ve met has been so nice to me. It’s a great town and you know how much I love the beach. You may have to drag me out of your house tomorrow. I don’t want to go back to Melbourne. Ever.

Perseus: Heh, yeah, it is pretty good down here, and I have a nice bunch of mates.

SG: You think I’m joking about staying here, don’t you?

Perseus: Aren’t you?

SG: No, I’m not. I don’t like Melbourne, I don’t like my job. I’ve noticed there’s heaps of work around here. If you gave the okay, I’d just move in with you. I have fallen in love with this town, and you.

Perseus: We just met.

SG: I’m impetuous.

Perseus: I’m not.

SG: What if I found a place nearby?

Perseus: That would be weird.

SG: I am utterly besotted with you. You have to understand this. It’s blowing me away. I haven’t been this happy in so long. This is the best weekend I’ve had in recent memory. I want more, and more... and get this, that bloke I was talking to over there... he was trying to pick me up and I said to him, “I’m Perseus’s girlfriend”. I actually said it, and meant it, and want it to be true.

Perseus: But only three days ago you said you didn’t want to have a relationship.

SG: Yeah. Dumbest thing I’ve ever said. I didn’t even mean it when I said it... I just said it because that’s what I’m supposed to say after only splitting up with a guy a few weeks ago. But, what the hell... I was only with him for a few months and hated it. I don’t even consider it a relationship. I feel like I’m ready now to be in a real one.


My take on all this was that she was on some sub-conscious level over-compensating for turning on me earlier in the week. It turned out, I was a harmless, nice enough guy with a pretty cottage by the beach who can afford dinners in restaurants, and bikinis. The weekend was turning out much better than she had feared – the panic had subsided and she was happy. Add beer to that, and she was getting emotional and letting the euphoria cloud her judgement, so, I decided I had to nip it in the bud, so I pulled out the line that always scares young women away...

Perseus: I want babies.

SG: What?

Perseus: I want babies. It’s a non-negotiable for me, if I’m in a relationship. I’m 40, and I’m starting to panic that I’m not going to have a baby. Now, it’s all well and good for me to bring this up with a woman in her 30’s, but you’re only 24 and you want to travel and do all those things that 24 year olds do, and so you should, so we can’t have a relationship anyway. I would never ask it of a 24 year old, even if she loved me. It’s unfair of me. I won’t do it. There was this other chick, Ponygirl... I never asked her, but she did make it clear she wasn’t interested and wouldn’t be for a long time. She dumped me because of age-gap, and she was older than you. So, you know, I’m very flattered, but, we just can’t have a proper relationship because of this...


She stared at me for a bit, in what I thought was shock or anger, but I was wrong, very wrong.

SG: So, if I have babies?

Perseus: What?

SG: You want babies? You can have them. I want them too.

Perseus: Yeah, but later.

SG: Now.

Perseus: What?

SG: I’ve wanted them for two years now. I’ve just never told many people, because when I do tell it to people they tell me off and treat me like I’m sort of freak for wanting to have a child so young.

Perseus: Ummm...

SG: I say that I want to travel, because that’s what I’m supposed to say, but you know what? Haven’t planned anything, haven’t saved anything, never had any intention to go away. The thought of being away from my family for more than a month terrifies me. You know what I want? To find myself an awesome man, and move in with him and have three children and live in a house and maybe own a shop in a country town by the sea.

Perseus: Has someone scripted you for my benefit? There’s a hidden camera somewhere, isn’t there?


The reverse fuckup was complete.

**

After the pub shut, there was a small party at my house, about 12 people, but it was noisy. There were these two girls there, local girls, but I hardly knew them. They were being really quiet, drinking water, while the other ten of us were being loud and silly. The two girls got up and left, saying polite goodbyes. They walked out into my courtyard and Suicide Girl yelled, “Come back when you get a personality!”

I live in a small town. They were local girls. You do NOT say these sorts of things. You can think them, but you don’t say them. It made us all feel a bit awkward because a couple of my mates who were there in my kitchen were good friends with the quiet girls, and they were offended at what SG had drunkenly yelled. But, because she was new in town, and with me, they didn;t say anything to her. But, one of them pulled me aside and said, “She’s sexy, I’ll give you that, but if she’s moving in, you have to take responsibility for her mouth. She’s a loose cannon, Perseus.”


SUNDAY


I was in a blur. Her gaffe at the kitchen table was worrying me, even though she had said and done everything else right on the night. I brought it up, and she was very apologetic, sincerely so, but I was thinking, “Well, that’s the second time in three weeks she’s had to apologise profusely after doing something totally stupid when she’s drunk.”

In my head, I was building up pros and cons.

PROS
She likes me
The sex is good, if not a bit too frequent for my fragile body
She wants babies
She wants to live on the coast
She’s happy to work in a shop by the coast
She’s 24
She likes documentaries
She’s a homebody
She was very kind to my cat

CONS
She’s a loose cannon
She has panic attacks
She talks shit when she’s drunk
She’s 24

In fact, I was thinking (but not saying)... you can take the girl off the pig farm, but you can’t take the pig farm out of the girl. You can pierce her clit and make her a nude pinup girl, but she’s still a pig farmer. But I kinda like that. But it kinda can't last. Or can it?

We had sex two more times.

Because I couldn’t bear the thought of her having another panic attack, I drove her all the way to Melbourne Sunday night (along with the Mermaid, who wasn’t happy with SG’s choice of Norwegian Death Metal in the car, so she watched Seinfeld on her laptop the whole way).

**

I spoke with Fanboy about all of this and he said, “You idiot! Your dream girl is a mid-20’s goth chick who wants babies and likes coastal towns. I find this dream girl for you and you’re being all weird. She’s your dream girl! Knock her up!”

But what of love? I ask, like a spastic Romeo. I don’t love her. Yet. Maybe never will. Maybe I will though. But she’s a loose cannon! She’ll start a fight. She’s a fighter. She punches blokes. She’ll punch a local and it’ll be on... Oh, something’s wrong. It’s just not sitting well with me. Oh, the confusion, the confusion.

I don’t know what to do.

Oh, I can't deny it any more, here's the fucking problem: Ponygirl emailed from Peru and she’ll be back for Christmas.

I'm an idiot.

(In next week’s episode of Bold and The Beautiful, Perseus and Suicide Girl attend a Japanese noise band concert and in the process meet Mr. E. Discharge).

118 comments:

Puss In Boots said...

1. If you don't love her, you don't love her. There's no point staying with someone if you don't love her. I know people will disagree with me and say you can learn to love someone. Is that really want you want? She seems mostly perfect for you, and you think you're crazy to let that go, but if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Think about it some more, but go with your gut and not your head.

2. Stay away from Ponygirl.

Mad Cat Lady said...

wow

Mad Cat Lady said...

um ... if she is going to make a decision to stay so quickly, would that not mean she would make a decision to go just as quickly?

i don't trust anybody who makes emotional decisions about important things - heaps of things for you to talk about and find out about each other before you go and make big life changing decisions

(i like ponygirl)

Perseus said...

It wouldn't stop me from marrying you, Puss.

MCL: I am not in any way entertaining the though of asking her to move in. Even if I had a good feeling about it all, I'd still wait six months or so...

She's impetuous. She has warned me of this.

I like Ponygirl, too.

Joanie said...

Pers,

Let's say everything turns out all peachy...then one day she stumbles across (or is directed to) this blog?

I know if it ever becomes a real emotional investment that you'll pull back but I was tempted to say this on the 200+ thread.

The entertainment value of your posts are unsurpassed but I'd rather be bored and see you not fuck up in triple reverse...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Think about it some more, but go with your gut and not your head.

Utter sheepshit.

Boogeyman said...

Your problem Perseus is that your perfect chick profile is merely a hollow list of mundane tick points, but mentions nothing about personality characteristics.

You think this is your perfect woman:
i) Young enough to have kids
ii) old enough to be interesting and have life experience
iii) wants kids
iv) wants to live near the coast,
v) goth,
etc

What you should be saying is, what sort of personality are you looking for?

- Loud, extroverted and shameless vs quiet, thoughtful and introspective,
- Emotional vs reserved
- Kind and caring with children and animals, or more intellectual and combative.

... and so on.

Define the personality of the woman you'd fall in love with, and judge each relationship by that yardstick, not whether they tick a mundane list of 'nice-to-haves'.


Also, this:

so I pulled out the line that always scares young women away...

Perseus: I want babies.


Oh, right, it's women that are scared away from the notion of having babies, riiiighhhhtt.

Joanie said...

Pers,

Let's say everything turns out all peachy...then one day she stumbles across (or is directed to) this blog?

I know if it ever becomes a real emotional investment that you'll pull back but I was tempted to say this on the 200+ thread.

The entertainment value of your posts are unsurpassed but I'd rather be bored and see you not fuck up in triple reverse...

Joanie said...

Pers,

Let's say everything turns out all peachy...then one day she stumbles across (or is directed to) this blog?

I know if it ever becomes a real emotional investment that you'll pull back but I was tempted to say this on the 200+ thread.

The entertainment value of your posts are unsurpassed but I'd rather be bored and see you not fuck up in triple reverse...

Joanie said...

Sorry for the multiple posts - shift + f5 clearly doesn't mean what I though it did! Make it stop!

Joanie said...

Pers,

Let's say everything turns out all peachy...then one day she stumbles across (or is directed to) this blog?

I know if it ever becomes a real emotional investment that you'll pull back but I was tempted to say this on the 200+ thread.

The entertainment value of your posts are unsurpassed but I'd rather be bored and see you not fuck up in triple reverse...

squib said...

I've just laughed myself silly. Well worth the wait. Thanks

Puss In Boots said...

Why do you say that, Ramon? Do you not believe in gut feelings? They've saved me many times. I've often been about to talk myself into giving someone another chance, and then decided against it, and found out later I was justified in not doing so.

Fad MD said...

I have tears in my eyes.

I think the Fuck-up Fairy is stuck in your roof. Get up there and clear her out pronto!

patchouligirl said...

She sounds like a 14 year old in a 24 year olds body - not a clue where she's going so any road will get her there and she won't notice who she runs over along the way. Find a grown up Perseus and save yourself a world of hassle.

WitchOne said...

Well, I've made some of the best decisions of my life based on whim. Children for example.

I have to ask, how on earth can you feel a "little bipolar"??

Melba said...

My alarm bells are ringing. You should be able to hear them from there.

If the genders were reversed, how would we view this situation? If I had a girlfriend who was desperate to have babies, and was starting to see potential in the male equivalent of SG, and asked for my advice, I would urge her to forget about him.

If you want a relationship, forget SG. If you just want some fun, she's ok. Maybe. But she could turn stalkerish and nasty pretty quickly - she seems unstable and she's had a few chances now hasn't she?

Melba said...

I like ponygirl too actually. But we don't have a lot of choice.

What about horse face? She might be the one.

Perseus said...

Joanie - I actually considered that, and as a result, I've left a lot out. Nothing that effects the vibe of the story, or the story itself, but things that would come back to bute a lot harder than what I have included, all of which is true, and most of which I have said to her face, eg: You can take the girl out of the pig farm.... She saw the funny side. I am also worried I'm painting a bad picture of her, but it does make for a better post to focus in on the negatives. In the humdrum of the day, just hanging out, she is a particularly nice and caring woman and I enjoy her company. But that's boring to point out. Say hi to Chachi.

Ramon: Gut and head combined, it should be. And penis.

Boogey: I agree that my checklist is not the basis of a solid relationship. It's just 'dream girl' stuff but I do know the difference between fantasy and reality, as is evidenced by the fact that I didn't say, "Oh, okay, move in." But I don't hink your system is much better.

You said I should be asking: "- Loud, extroverted and shameless vs quiet, thoughtful and introspective,
- Emotional vs reserved
- Kind and caring with children and animals, or more intellectual and combative."


But I think they are silly questions as well, because they completely ignore the heart, the passions, the abstract stuff in general... what Puss may refer to as 'the gut'.

You also suggest Define the personality of the woman you'd fall in love with. On a spreadsheet? No, I won't define her, because that's all too robotic. She may not exist anywhere beyond my 'definition' log.

Further, as a single man, you may also understand that after a period of being single, a man may go one of two ways... he may end up being way too fussy because he has too much spare time to think, and be searching/yearning for the 'perfect woman' (usually to right the wrongs of previously failed relationships), or, he may go the other way, and become so desperate for company that he'll take anything that comes up. Interestingly, a single man may even be able to experience both of these things... waste years looking for the perfect woman, failing to find her, and one day being blown away by someone totally inappropriate. This last little scenario is possibly what I am going through, which is why I am using all my brain power not to ask her to move in.

Squib: "I've just laughed myself silly." Good. Or did you mean Joanie's multiple posts? because they were funny too.

By the way, did I imagine it, or did I see OMAC and Come To Mumma
floating about recently? If so, good to have you back guys. Join in! Are you still single CTM?

Fad: If the fuckup fairy is cute I might invite her in for a cuppa Liptons.

Patchy: Yeah, but all the conversation was under alcoholic influence, when we all lose about 10-20 years in restraint. The next day she spoke in more measured and adult ways about moving down here, which involved paying off credit card debts in Melbourne and also coming down as much as possible to stay with me in the meantime...

Witchy: I think she was speaking colloquially. She has never taken anti-depressants (though maybe she should take something for her panic attacks), and she was referring to dramatic mood swings that she could explain to a point, but not fully explain.

Melba: I don't know what I want, so I can't follow your advice just yet.

Pepsi said...

Awesome post, great story, congrats on all that sex !!!!

bruised balls?

So much sex, and love gumby credits for solidering on through the cramps, top shelf.

Thats one very high maintenance young woman, imagine how much more high maintenance she would be all drugged up on pregnancy hormones - can you handle that?

Whats more important to you at the moment, babies right now or waking up next to someone you can respect?

Make up your mind about that and then see if SG fits.

Check out the horse though, its the great unknown.

Perseus said...

Pepsi and Melba: Horse is 20. TWENTY! It was only ever going to be a one-nighter. What could I possibly talk to a 20 year old about? Nintendo?

shitbmxrider said...

Pers....

Bravo!


Im a lil on the crazy side, so if it were me...id be strapping in for the ride :D

But I do silly things like driving Melbourne-SE Qld in 16hrs straight on 15 cans of Red Bull, so I may not be the best guide to sensible things.

Boogeyman said...

What I meant was, if you think of the personality characteristics of the women you typically fall in love with, and compare those with the ones who you merely lust over, you'd probably find that the former share a lot of personality traits in common.

Eg. I can handle short-term flings with loud abrasive women, but they just drive me up the wall long-term. On the other hand, I'm no fan of shrinking violets. I like a woman with a certain mix of mischief, spunk and refinement.

Knowing that helps me to get a good idea, based on immediate impressions of someone I meet, just how long something with them would last.

The reason I recommended that to you was so that, rather than saying "oh, SG ticks certain lifestyle boxes that I have defined for a potential long-term partner", rather say, "does SG have the personality characteristics I am likely to grow more attracted to over time", and decided on that basis.

Sure, she wants babies and is goth and is interesting, but how long before the drunken uncouth-ness begins to really, really irritate you (if such a personality characteristic would drive you up the wall, like it would for me)?

Anyway, all this is beside the point. The key to a good relationship is open, honest communication. Send her a link to the blog. Let her see your thoughts. If she's not just some bipolar SWF in a mad rush to get pregnant, but genuinely interested in who you are, she should have no problems reading all this stuff and still wanting to get to know you at a normal pace.

Alternatively, you could always string her along for a while for the sex, and wait for the best time to dump her and trigger off a bunny boiling episode.

Pepsi said...

Nothing wrong with a 20 yo. Give em credit, not all of them are ignorant toned up bimbo deluxes.

Nothing wrong with another one-nighter, might take your mind off the SG for a bit till you work out what you want.

shitbmxrider said...

....And me and the new girl, from hereon in referred to as Mz Canada, managed to blurt out how strong our feelings for each other were about 1-2 weeks in... but, it felt right for both of us, it just being so bloody good to find someone it just felt right with (after lotsa shite experiences in the past)

So, Mr. Pers, fuck what your head says, what does your heart say?






(keep in mind, 25 year old here, I can afford to be idealistic)

Dr. Golf said...

So what’s the problem?

SG has until Christmas to prove herself. I’m tipping you will know one way or the other after a few more dates. (I tend to agree with Patch’s assessment of her, but that’s by the by)

Ponygirl will be keen. I was once Ponygirl. Left a loving relationship to travel for a year, only to spend every waking hour thinking of her. (Got back home and she was taken).

patchouligirl said...

Yeah just don't let her move in or you will blow your chances with Ponygirl. You will look back at this and wonder how you even considered something long term with SG I suspect. Credit card debt is a worry. I'll be interested to see what happens when you meet her friends, that will be telling. Didn't you say vomit makes a reappearance? Your checklist also needs to include "can she cook?"

I can't believe you can't find a woman in her early to mid 30's out there who has her body clock ticking, a few dollars in the bank and some solid friends.

Melba said...

Ok I forgot horse's age, 20 is not right for you.

Hmmm. This is interesting. I have no idea what's going to happen.

You are an intelligent, thinking man and if you are open in your relationships like you are here, then that is good.

About love, you can't love someone in so short a time. But you can have those feel-good squirmy feelings straight away.

Basically it comes down to this. You don't have children already (if you did I would be saying "run a fucking mile" they don't need this shit) and you aren't married or already in a relationship, so you are a free agent to pursue this, or not, however you want.

The next day you were talking about her moving in, or she was. How did that make you feel? All the bits you've left out have been omitted because they weren't essential to "a good story" but somehow I reckon those bits are the bits that would balance it out, and make me think "oh, she's a nice girl."

Mix of gut, head and cock has to be the way. If you can do that, then you don't need anybody's advice here. But as matriarch commenter, you have my blessing.

I wonder though about the ponygirl references. Did she give you hope before she went away or are you hopeful all on your own? It's very hard to feel anything much for one person if there's another person who is holding your heart.

You're smart, you'll be fine. However I do urge you to remember your sexual health.

That is all.

Good luck!

patchouligirl said...

As Robin Williams said "God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time".

If you have even a glimmer of hope with ponygirl I'd be working out a way to sweep her off her feet and counting the days until Christmas.

Perseus said...

You all make valid points and I am grateful for your advice, but I am still stuck with this big problem: I don't know how I feel just yet. I just don't know. It's been so long since I have been in this position that I'm a little confused. Of all the advice given here, Dr. Golf's is the one I am most inclined to follow... Have a few more dates and then re-assess.

As for Ponygirl, no, she is most likely not an option for a relationship, but if I tried hard enough I might get another fling that will break my heart again. Ponygirl and I were friends for a couple of years before it got intimate, so the friendship is guaranteed. But when she gets back, she will visit me here, and, if we're alone in the house, there'll be sex, unless of course I am deeply entrenched in a committed relationship with someone. Which could be Suicide Girl.

Boogeyman - not a chance in hell I'd give her a link to this site just yet. Lewd Bob is the only person in my actual real-world circle of friends that know about this site, and I like it that way.

Actually - Ponygirl also knows about it, but doesn't care and isn't interested in blogs. She read that post I did about her earlier in the year, read all the comments, thought it was all very amusing and harmless and never looked back at it.

Melba said...

It's not a big problem, Perseus. To not know how you feel yet. That's normal and most people experience it early on.

Take the pressure off yourself. Try to relax a bit about it (you getting all het-up could sabotage something if it's going to be good) and don't rush things.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Sage advice, Melba old stick.

Pers. if you want to sort out your feelings, why not sit down and write a letter to SG (an actual letter, with a pen and paper).

Often the effort of sitting down and putting words on paper have a way of clarifying your thoughts.

You don't actually have to post it.

And "gut feelings" in my experience is the answer we give to the question "why did I fuck up so badly?"

Cath said...

It's not a big problem, Perseus. To not know how you feel yet.

Thank you Melba for your dose of common sense! Oh dear Perseus, your dramas keep us all amused, but the serious side is that you DO want babies and seem to be meeting fuckup after fuckup. I know one thing, when it comes to having write Pros and Cons lists on a relationship with someone, then it doesn't bode well. Or maybe when I contemplate a relationship I am just not that methodical and rational. But nor should it be. When the drinking stops, and the sex goes, can you and SG discuss fine literature over a cup of tea?

Puss In Boots said...

Maybe I don't mean 'gut feelings' as you have described, Ramon. I'm more referring to the fact that as Boogey says, when you meet someone, you know on some level whether they would be suitable for you in the long term.

I just mean that Pers should try to think about that more than the fact that she fits into his 'wants to move to the country and have babies' criteria.

Mr E Discharge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr E Discharge said...

It’s not that I’m being ungrateful, I mean, the sex and the attention was awesome and welcome, but jesus, I’m 40, and I wanted to watch Lateline.

I can recall vividly the day that I first had a similar thought to that. A long time ago now, but a major landmark on my personal journey to boring-old-fartfulness, only out-weighed by the later discovery of my first grey pubic hair.

catlick said...

Perseus every potential couple has a list of significant interests or goals in common. That in itself does not justify an ongoing union. There is no pride in your portrayal of her. I doubt she is the mother of your children.
Your "sketch" of her suggests an emotional wind sock, or perhaps a bag blown down the street, briefly molding itself around structures. Is her life defined by the people she meets? Does she just adhere to them briefly, wanting their normality, yet still feel alienated and superior?

Perseus said...

"Is her life defined by the people she meets? Does she just adhere to them briefly, wanting their normality, yet still feel alienated and superior?"

No.

No.

She defines herself by her love of animals and the natural world, and she is far more likely to feel inferior to people. She beats herself up a fair bit.

Cath... I was able to discuss art and literature with Andromeda 3.0, but she was a psycho. I'd rather be with someone who couldn't discuss art and literature, but is vaguely sane. Suicide Girl is a reader, but she reads science, history and natural earth books. I'm cool with that. Also, we discovered on the weekend that we were both massive Gogol Bordello fans, so we have some music taste in common.

Perseus said...

Oh, and she paints a lot. That's her hobby. I also like that. She can paint and I can sit around reading Tolstoy.

squib said...

I've finished laughing now...

I'm sure she has nice qualities but the 'come back when you get a personality' is very disturbing. Speaking your mind is one thing but hurting the feelings of complete strangers for the hell of it should tell you there is something majorly wrong here

Even wanting to listen to Norwegian Death Metal all the way home, despite the fact that no one else wanted to. That's teenage behaviour

I think you need to find someone less 'interesting'. Don't get sucked in by her emotional neediness. And ditto what Melba said about safety

PS. The Blue Planet? What were you thinking? I'm still seeing a counsellor about that scene with the killer whales and the baby seal

Perseus said...

Oh yeah, when they were tossing it about like a tennis ball?

The killer whales and the baby humpback whale scene was even more disturbing. Harrassing it for ten hours, finally drowning it, then eating only it's tongue.

Nasty cunts, those Orcas.

Mr E Discharge said...

The frequency and degree of SG's emotional "shifts" would be a major concern to me, all very exciting for now, but not what you want in a long term relationship particularly with a view to having kids. Too much intensity ,too soon. Unpredictable and ultimately unsustainable, me thinks.

Lewd Bob said...

She sounds immature to me. Unless you marry her and have kids in which case she sounds great and I can't wait to meet her.

squib said...

when they were tossing it about like a tennis ball?

yes! that was awful. I cried for hours after watching that

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Who has the energy to stay up for Lateline?

wari lasi said...

What can anyone add to all that?

I'll just endorse what Melba said in terms of kids. SG doesn't sound anywhere near mature enough to be a parent just yet. That said however, once they're there most people (females in particular, I'll wait for the cires of "Sexist Pig") step up to the plate.

I've got an 8 yr old and a 5 yr old, and I wouldn't have someone as unstable as that around them. I'm a bit of a bastard though, pretty intolerant of panic attacks and ridiculous mood swings. If someone has a genuine mental health issue, fine, but all too often it's self indulgent or attention seeking crap. A luxury few parents can afford.

patchouligirl said...

Yeah you can forget about sitting around reading Tolstoy when you've got a 2 year old in the house and the only painting that'll be going on is finger painting.

kitten said...

Oh Perseus - you probably don't expect this from me, but here goes.

She is 24. That explains the dramatic shifts in mood, and intentions. She will grow up. She will grow out of it. Question here is "are you prepared to wait it out". Simply by hanging around older people like yourself and your friends rather than people her own age will speed that process up. She will quickly learn that she can't act in the same manner around older adults as she is used to. I don't see this issue as being one of your obstacles, I think it will change quite quickly.

She is not too young to want to have babies. Not all women desire to be world adventurers or career businesswomen. Some are quite happy being ordinary, and living a simple life. After a lifetime of being told "you can do anything" some women are just embarrassed that they dont really want to. She seems to be a girl who thinks she is supposed to be something special, when she is quite happy being ordinary. Again, this is not an issue. If that is what she wants then she is as entitled to pursue a homelife and babies as someone else is entitled to spend the next decade climbing a career ladder.

Love is not something that is instant. That's lust. Love is something that grows over time. If you are lucky the lust lasts long enough to be overtaken by love so you dont notice the difference. You won't know if you love her until you know her long enough to see the real person under all the youthful bravado, and to judge the person she will grow up to become. All you have now is really appearances and "front" no matter how much time you spend msn'ing each other. My general feel is that people know around the 6 week mark if they like someone, around the 3 month mark if they love someone, and around the 6 month mark they can tell if the relationship they are in is going to be one that ends up in a long term commitment. You need to give it time.

As for moving in with you - that's actually just using you. She will take the attitude that if it doesnt work out she can always leave. She's too young to realise that life is rarely that simple - plus defactos now have property rights as if you were married, so I wouldnt rush into a domestic arrangement. Tell her you would be happy to have her find her own place in Lorne, but would not consider living together until you were engaged to be married, and would have to know her at least 12 months before considering that.

If she has little ties to Melbourne there probably isnt any issue with her moving to Lorne, and if things don't work out, any issue with moving back to Melbourne again.

As for having things in common, when people talk about that they dont mean reading the same books or listening to the same music. They mean that you share common values, approaches to life, and future intentions. Like do you have the same marriage ideals, do you have similar parenting styles, share the same family values, etc. You dont really know her well enough to judge those yet.

Plus, if you want Ponygirl back then there is no surer way than to be with someone else when she is here. We all want what we cannot have, the unattainable is more desirable for being unattainable, blah blah blah.

Come Christmas you will have had 3 months to figure out if SG is right for you, and if not, you can hook up with Ponygirl.

Just dont make promises to her you cant keep. Be honest and upfront, so she knows that she has to be independent in the relationship and not a parasite. If she is happy with that arrangement then you both should go for it.

Puss In Boots said...

people know around the 6 week mark if they like someone, around the 3 month mark if they love someone, and around the 6 month mark they can tell if the relationship they are in is going to be one that ends up in a long term commitment.

Poppycock. It does not take 6 weeks to work out if you like someone, and nor does it take 6 months to figure out whether they're marriage material. If you have initial doubts about a relationship, there's likely to be a reason. If it takes you 6 months to work out if they're for you, then they're probably not. Or you're just deluding yourself into thinking you can learn to love them, because they seem to be right for you, and there's nothing actively wrong with them that would justify you breaking up with them.

I've been in two relationships like that. Gigantic waste of time.

kitten said...

Yes it does. Up until then you are just fucking, and it doesnt matter whether or not you actually "like" the person.

Usually within 6 weeks I find out that the guy that I thought was the life of the party when out with him, actually has a drinking problem, and is quite different when sober. You dont know that immediately.


Within 3 months real secrets start to come out. Like the guy is a anti-semitic Nazi supporter or has a rather bad drug habit (both true stories, welcome to my life!) You dont know anything about that immediately, or within 6 weeks.

People hide things from those whom they are seeking to impress, it takes a bit of time for them to relax and show their real colours.

Puss In Boots said...

Right, so you're talking about initially liking someone and then finding out later they're not who you think they were. Which is not the context I was speaking in, or which I think Perseus finds himself in, which is that if you don't really like someone enough to think of them as marriage material within the first few meetings, then you're probably not ever going to think of them in that way. Unless, as I said before, you stick it out because you're trying to convince yourself you like them, or are trying to learn to love them, because there's no real reason you shouldn't. Besides the fact you just don't, of course.

kitten said...

I think it cuts both ways. You may well be quite suprised 6 weeks on when you find out that the things you didnt like about them dont actually exist, or are less bothersome than you thought.

Like you might think that they are a real player, and enter a relationship thinking that its only a fling, only to find out that the guy is actually really keen to settle down and commit. Or you might think that a long distance relationship is not going to work out, only to end up married to them. I remember my friend when she was dating the NSW farmer swearing that it was never going to be anything serious, that she would never even contemplate living on a farm, being a farmers wife, etc etc. And that's exactly where she is now.

You might assume that someone doesn't want children, only to find out that they would have one with you. You might think you would never seriously date a smoker, only to find that they would be happy to give up cigarettes for you.

Lots of things change within 6 weeks, and 3 months. Point is you don't know what will change until you get there.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The other problem, as I see it, is that SG;

a) May have mental health issues,

b) Is seriously obsessed with you and

c) Now knows where you live.

patchouligirl said...

I'm not sure having SG around is going to be a sure fire plan to win ponygirl. Not everyone responds to reverse psychology.

patchouligirl said...

She does sound like a nutter. Are you sure you didn't make this up just to see if we could get to 300 posts?

kitten said...

I think she just sounds young. Not sure who she wants to be or confident enough to express it, but feels peer pressure to put up certain appearances.

Of course, the risk is that she is putting up yet another appearance for Perseus' sake - becoming the person he wants her to be rather than who she wants to be. Only time will tell what is the truth - as I said, people can't usually fake it past 3 months.

If she really is bipolar, RUN!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

If she really is bipolar, RUN!

Or at least make sure she takes her meds.

Loose Shunter said...

Are you sure you didn't make this up just to see if we could get to 300 posts?

I think Patchouligirl has just laid down the blogging equivalent of a 'physical challenge' from the TV show Double Dare. If this reaches 300 posts, there's more MS Paint art. That's a rolled gold guarantee!

LS

Melba said...

If Perseus ever does get married, I am going to insist we ALL go.

What a fine old time we would have.

Melba said...

Or maybe he's working on a "story idea".

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

LS, you unmitigated scoundrel!

Where is the PSF you promised last week?

Where!?

Puss In Boots said...

I can't say I've ever given anyone a second chance to find that out, kitten. No wait, I lie. I have given very few first dates a second chance, against my better judgment, only to then be justified in my initial reaction to not give them one, and summarily dumped them.

I generally find if I don't like someone to start with, I'm never going to like them. If I'm unsure about them to start with, I'm also never going to like them enough for it to be a long term thing.

But anyway, my point was, at least in my experience, if you don't think someone is marriage material the first couple of times you meet them, then they're probably not and you shouldn't waste your time. Unless you're happy to settle for something that's not really quite perfect for you.

I just personally think you tend to "know" (ie, gut feelings) when you meet someone if they're right for you or not. Whether you choose to listen to that or not is another matter.

Loose Shunter said...

Ramon, I was in Auckland last week at a conference and unable to blog effectively, but having a great time marvelling at the stupid kiwis who, when the Samoan earthquake hit and the tsunami warning was issued, packed the kids up in the car and drove down to the water to watch the big wave come in!
I also greatly enjoyed watching hilarious NZ TV. There's a show called 'Pulp Sports' that I am now hooked on.

Happy to do a PSF this Friday though.

LS

kitten said...

If you are not into someone right from the beginning then I am not suggesting you keep dating them.

I'm talking about where you are into someone, enough to go out with them, and to sleep with, but still unsure as to whether it will go anywhere because there are things that put you off.

If you gave up after a week because there was something wrong (which could be righted, or you found out you didnt really mind in the end) then many people would miss out on their perfect partner. My sister would not be married and expecting her second child because her husband was already married at the time she met him. My friend would not be married because her husband lived on a farm in NSW.

Once you have started something, you should give it time to see where it goes. That's all I'm saying. That and don't judge a book by its cover because people are not always what they seem. Some turn out to be bastards, others turn out to be nice suprises.

Melba said...

Puss, does that go for your friends too? I have known people and disliked them, then become fantastic friends with them over time. I don't know that you can be that black and white, and you risk not giving people a go. Of course those second dates didn't go well. The men didn't have a chance, you'd already decided.

And I must say, I'm not so desperate for friends that I will put up with crap. I don't. I have dumped a few along the way.

Also, you mention settling for something a little less perfect.

My god, how many people have ended up marrying and having happy-ever-afters with their one and only true soulmate loves? Is there one for each of us? If so, are we guaranteed to meet them?

Think about the numbers and you'll get my meaning. I don't think it's possible.

But the happily-ever-after CAN come with someone who you may not consider your soulmate/perfect fit. It has happened to me. Or is happening.

Puss was it you that cut short your trip to come home to your boy with the broken foot? I'm not making a point (yet) but just trying to remember...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Very well, LS, I adjust your status to "mitigated scoundrel".

Loose Shunter said...

Well that's OK then. Being a scoundrel (mitigated or otherwise) is driving the reply count higher.

wari lasi said...

Sorry to digress from Perseus to me for a minute. But do you think I'm likely to meet my one true love on my three week jaunt through the Philippines and Thailand?

squib said...

Wari, consult a Baci wrapper

Perseus said...

None of this made up, I assure you.

I appreciate what you are saying Kitten but I err on the side of Puss in Boots. She's right.. or at least, she sums up how I think, generally.

But Puss... it is slightly different for me, because I'm 40 and live far from the city, and I want babies, so, because of those factors, I am prepared to be less fussy than I used to be. I can indeed make sacrifices in exchange for conveneience.

Fad MD said...

do you think I'm likely to meet my one true love on my three week jaunt through the Philippines and Thailand?

No, but you're likely to find someone who can suck-start a Harley.

Perseus said...

Puss - to elaborate, your tehory (which used to be my theory) only applies when you have the pick of the crop.

To use another cliche, beggars can't be choosers. I'm gravitating right in the middle.

kitten said...

But Perseus, thinking like that is probably how you came to be 40 and still unmarried.

I thought SG would turn out to be what you thought she would be (ie. a skanky sex toy for weekend play). She's surprised both of us by turning out to be something quite different (maybe). In which case, since she now seems to meet most of your requirements, why are you so reluctant to give her a go?

Weird. When she was totally "unsuitable" you were all over her. Now she looks almost "suitable" and you are running a mile. Perhaps you are prone to falling for reverse psychology too? Lets discuss!!!

Puss In Boots said...

Puss, does that go for your friends too? I have known people and disliked them, then become fantastic friends with them over time.

No, I am more lenient with non-prospective dates, because I don't potentially have to spend the rest of my life with them. In fact, now that I think about it, I wouldn't ever wish to be in a relationship with any of my friends. They'd drive me all mad.

I don't know that you can be that black and white, and you risk not giving people a go. Of course those second dates didn't go well. The men didn't have a chance, you'd already decided.

Yes, I can be. If someone irritates me the first time I meet them, I can guarantee they'll irritate me forever after. I gave second chances to the ones I thought I might have been too harsh on, but it turns out I wasn't, and I was right the first time. They were morons. They did have a chance, but if you show up to someone's house for a date, honk the horn from the street, take them for a drive but don't stop for dinner because "restaurants are expensive", and then go and buy yourself a take away chicken and invite yourself back to her place so you can eat it in front of her when you know she is hungry and hasn't eaten, but don't allow her to get her own dinner, and eat said chicken with your fingers after declining the offer of plate, knife and fork, and then sit around her lounge room until 1am despite her constant hints for you to leave, then I hardly expect that person deserves more than a second chance (the first date was just as pointless).

And I must say, I'm not so desperate for friends that I will put up with crap. I don't. I have dumped a few along the way.

I'm constantly revising my friends. There's only one who's made it past 10 years so far.

Also, you mention settling for something a little less perfect.

My god, how many people have ended up marrying and having happy-ever-afters with their one and only true soulmate loves? Is there one for each of us? If so, are we guaranteed to meet them?

Think about the numbers and you'll get my meaning. I don't think it's possible.


That's your opinion, and you're entitled to it. Personally, I'd rather be single than settle for someone who is not right for me, and who I know is not right for me, but who I am with because I'd rather not be alone. How pathetic. And yes, I truly do believe there is someone out there for everyone.

But the happily-ever-after CAN come with someone who you may not consider your soulmate/perfect fit. It has happened to me. Or is happening.

How do you know he's not your soulmate/perfect fit? Just because he wasn't what you imagined, doesn't mean he isn't the one you're meant to be with. When I met my partner, he wasn't what I thought I had wanted, but I still knew I was going to marry him. He matches the criteria I had when I was dating, but he is a lot quieter than I am, and not quite as "masculine" as I thought I would go for. But I don't consider that settling. I consider that he was/is the right person for me. He just came in an unexpected package. There is nothing about him I don't like, or am unsure of, and he is perfect for me.

Puss was it you that cut short your trip to come home to your boy with the broken foot? I'm not making a point (yet) but just trying to remember...

Yes. I don't see what point you could make, though. He was supposed to come over for the last part of the trip, but then couldn't. I didn't want to do the last part without him, so I came home.

But Puss... it is slightly different for me, because I'm 40 and live far from the city, and I want babies, so, because of those factors, I am prepared to be less fussy than I used to be. I can indeed make sacrifices in exchange for conveneience.

Yeah, I get that Perseus. So your criteria gets evaluated as you age. I don't deny that. But I still don't think you should settle for someone you know you couldn't deal with long term (not saying SG is such a person), just because you don't want to be alone.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Pers, you may have mentioned this elsewhere but why this absolute determination for offspring?

Melba said...

Well, thanks Puss for covering everything. He's not my perfect fit in every way but I don't think there is one who is necessarily. He did come in a surprising package, only because I purposefully adjusted my "criteria".

Re: my point, I was just going to say I think you are youngish? Maybe that has a difference on our perspectives? Also, as Perseus said, because of his age he is willing to sacrifice some things. It's also called being realistic.

And the eating chicken with his hands thing. I remember you mentioning that before. Didn't that come up during an exchange about relationship or date dealbreakers?

My husband says haitch, youse and isn't as good at spelling as me. These things all shit me, and there are things about me that shit him. If I had gotten stuck on those things early on (and not looked past them) I would have missed out on this wonderful man.

Puss, when did you get married?

Perseus said...

'In which case, since she now seems to meet most of your requirements, why are you so reluctant to give her a go?

See the list of 'cons'. One of the worries is the drinking. I nearly married an alcy, once. Not doing that again. Plus, it's also what we said originally, about the gut. Plus there's a Ponygirl curveball... I'd marry her tomorrow.

Ramon: Dunno, just do. I think I will feel like a failure at life if I don't.

Melba: Puss will be marrying me in two years' time.

Puss In Boots said...

Well, I think it's great you're happy then, Melba. I guess it's all about what criteria you're not negotiable on, and which ones you are. For instance, with the masculine thing. I probably would prefer that he was more masculine, but it's not something that was on my "must have" list. Maybe you just revised your list and realised there were things on there that didn't need to be?

I guess I could be classed as youngish. I happen to think I'm old. But yes, I am under 30. And yes, that's why I said I get it that Pers has to re-evaluate his criteria as he gets older. I would do the same thing. But I would do it within reason. I wouldn't compromise my not-negotiables just because I didn't want to be alone. I would never date someone with children, for instance. Ever. I wouldn't care how fantastic they were. That would be a deal breaker for me. I could barely handle having my own kids, let alone putting up with someone else's. So I realise if I was still single at 40, that would make it very difficult for me. But I would rather be single than dating someone who drove me nuts.

Yeah, I've told that date story before. I ditched him for many reasons - beeping at me from the road, being a cheapskate, eating chicken with his fingers, etc. Plus, he didn't get my sense of humour. But he was a nice enough fellow. I could have dated him just to see where it went. But I knew as soon as he beeped at me from the road that it was never going to work out.

More power to you! I could never look past someone that said youse. I guess we all have our things. Hairy backs are a deal breaker for some. As long as they don't look like an ape, I don't actually mind that. If I did, I wouldn't be with my current boy.

Not married yet. He has two more years. When he called me to tell me he had broken his leg and was in hospital and couldn't come, he let slip in his drug induced haze that he was going to propose (he was most upset). Now he's just waiting until I don't expect it. But that's pretty flawed, because I'm always expecting it! And I'm one of those crazy girls that has their entire wedding planned out before they even have the engagement ring!

squib said...

Melba, does your husband read books?

squib said...

Sorry, that sounded a bit snooty. I only ask because mine doesn't

Melba said...

Yeah, the youse thing is hard, but I fucking give him the look every time, and he says it as a joke now to rile me, and really the use has lessened over time. So I've kind of fixed it. The haitch thing I let go, because I know it's a bit different to the youse. Youse is bad grammar or what you've been exposed to environment-wise, haitch you can't say is bad grammar, it's more a family-thing (Catholica even?)

Taa is another one I didn't mention. But I nipped that in the bud because everytime it slipped out, I would say GOO-GOO GA-GA in a very loud voice and make exaggerated eye-rubbing movements with my fists. It stopped him quick smart. So I am a ball-breaker, don't think I have settled for less. I have chosen my man and am remoulding him.

And no squib. He is not a reader, not like me and I suspect you. He had read a few books when he met me, the number he possesses is laughable, but we do read companionably in bed and that's another thing that has changed because of me. He used to fall asleep in front of the tv and then go to bed in the middle of the night. In his bad old single father days, and I think during his first marriage as well.

He's an improvement on my first husband who hasn't ever read a single book in his life, including in his first language. And who once ripped up one of my books in a temper tantrum. Jealous I guess.

Wow, this is all about me and my bloody skeletons, isn't it?

Oh, and Puss, when you DO get married, and live together *happily* ever after (or even for ten years) then and only then will I accept everything you've said about your high standards and never settling for less.

Melba said...

I didn't take it as snooty. I just thought you know I read an insane amount.

squib said...

Melba, I thought I was the only reader married to a non-reader. For some people it's a strict criterion when they're looking for someone. My husband says 'me' instead of 'my' but he grew up in Manchester, the poor dear

Melba said...

No squib and I've actually managed it twice. It's some sort of record. Clokes can read one magazine in bed at night for three months.

patchouligirl said...

I can't go to sleep without reading at least a few pages of a novel but my husband doesn't read. He has a large collection of 'how to' books but only refers to them when embarking on a relevant project. He is just not academic - but he is brilliant with anything mechanical. I suppose we don't have that much in common, we are a bit yin and yang really, but we share principles and like the same lifestyle and it seems to work well enough.

Kettle said...

Pers, on the one hand I think if you feel good about SG then give it a go (but give it a proper go; don't head into it expecting it to fail). I suspect perfect matches don't actually exist (they're fairytales) because it's impossible to like everything someone does over decades of time (say a decades-long marriage). It's probably impossible to like yourself consistently over this length of time so I wouldn't expect it of someone else.

So I don't believe you have to be a perfect match with someone to want to share part of your life with them (but I would be sorry for both parties if I knew one person thought they had 'settled'. I think if a person feels they've settled they think they're better than the other person and that's bad for everyone in the long run, especially any resultant kids).

So I say it doesn't matter if SG isn't perfect, BUT don't settle for someone (anyone) just to have kids; I would worry if convenience was a factor here. Kids don't 'fix' relationships. I think if you decide to have kids with someone you'd want to feel without any hesitation that that person would be on your side regardless of the situation. Imagine if your children were non-typical: you would need to help them and their mother no matter what, or be able to live with yourself for not doing so.

Lordy I'm not perfect and neither is my husband but I trust him with my life and with my boy's life. I say enjoy the exquisite agony of new love but do really think about who you have kids with.

Kettle said...

Dear Pers, on the other hand I could always pull my head out of my arse and tell you what a bloody entertaining post that was. I laughed, I cried, I read bits out to the household. Bring on part three!

WitchOne said...

I'm another one. I married a man who didn't read, I'm engaged to another and the men in between haven't been readers either. I thought reading was something "other men" do, not one involved with me. Or maybe all men stop reading when they start a relationship?

I hate him falling asleep in front of the TV and coming to bed in the middle of the night. I compromise by letting him watch TV in bed. At ;east I know we're together!

Pers. Make sure she's a reader, doesn't matter what she reads but she must. read. something. It would be crazy to waste a guy who reads on a girl who doesn't!

Leilani said...

I really MUST log in more frequently.

SG what a peach! I suggest you seduce Ponygirl with a wild romantic gesture, pull the complete Cusack on her.

And my husband hardly reads either. It shits me quite a bit actually, especially when he complains about me having the light on in bed.

I've noticed my kids saying haitch recently, we did a check and both of us slip it out sometimes - must be the Catholic thing.

More importantly, I can't understand how Boogey is still single. Definitely the catch of the TSFKA.

See youse later
*honks horn, eats chicken with fingers*

Puss In Boots said...

The boy doesn't read much either. In fact, he shocked me recently by reading an entire novel in one week. It's the first time I've ever seen him read anything other than a car magazine. Although the novel he read wasn't that much better really. The new Dan Brown. *shudder*

Surprisingly, being well read was not on my criteria list. I don't care if my partner reads or not. It would be nice if he did, so we could discuss the books, but I kind of like having my own interests. I have 4 bookcases in my study full of books. I think he has one shelf in his, and I doubt he's read half the books on it.

Boogeyman said...

Who is this kitten offering sage, sensible advice, and what has she done with the real kitten?

Perseus - it's going to be a bit hard to commit to a relationship with SG if you still have your heart set on Ponygirl. Do you really think you are prepared to allow SG to replace Ponygirl in your inner affections?

But aside from that, what's wrong with saying to SG, "I like you but I'm still feeling my way in all this and getting to know you. That's why I'm happy to continue to date you and 'wait and see' what develops, but I'm not rushing into moving in / having babies / blood-bonding in moonlit fertility rites for the next 6-12 months."


I can't understand how Boogey is still single.

I too would like to know the answer to this most vexing question.

And we still have another 210 comments to fill discussing it - bwahaha not.

If a single 6-foot rock star love gumby having wild sex orgies and living close to Melbourne can't get any, what chance does a mere single father in culture-deprived Brisbane stand?

Alex said...

I'm not qualified to give advice about, well, anything really; but the promise of more MS Paint has enticed me into throwing out my two bob.

I don't believe in 'perfect matches' or 'the one' or 'meant to be' or there being 'someone for everyone' and the like. It sounds too much like believing in fate and destiny and fortune telling to me. People continue to grow their entire lives and even if you do meet someone you're 'perfect' for right now, there's no guarantee you'll be perfect for each other in 5 years. Just do the best you can with what you've got right now and keep in mind that life is short and you may never get 'exactly' what you want.

I notice you keep mentioning the fact that you're 40. I might be missing some sort of point here but are you saying that you feel you should be 'acting your age' more or are you saying that you feel like you're getting old and desperate?

They did have a chance, but if you show up to someone's house for a date, honk the horn from the street, take them for a drive but don't stop for dinner because "restaurants are expensive", and then go and buy yourself a take away chicken and invite yourself back to her place so you can eat it in front of her when you know she is hungry and hasn't eaten, but don't allow her to get her own dinner, and eat said chicken with your fingers after declining the offer of plate, knife and fork, and then sit around her lounge room until 1am despite her constant hints for you to leave, then I hardly expect that person deserves more than a second chance (the first date was just as pointless).

Sorry Perseus, but screw your problems. I want to hear more of Puss's stories.

The killer whales and the baby humpback whale scene was even more disturbing. Harrassing it for ten hours, finally drowning it, then eating only it's tongue.

I've always been amazed by people who think that nature exists in some sort of harmonious balance. Nature is all about things rooting and killing each other.

More importantly, I can't understand how Boogey is still single. Definitely the catch of the TSFKA.

Occasionally Boogeyman will talk about his ex-wife as though she were the living embodiment of evil itself. I've often wondered how he ended up married to a person like that in the first place but didn't want to pry (so I will).

Also, what is "haitch"?

Perseus said...

Who is this kitten offering sage, sensible advice,

This kitten is kettle.

**


Alex: re, me being 40. Both your hypotheses are true.

**


Everyone: I am not agreeing to anything with her. All your advice is fine. Let me spend a few more days with her...

Boogeyman said...

Alex, I can only offer this little trifecta of wisdom:

1) Sex apparently leads to babies,
2) Crazy people seem quite interesting in the short-term,
3) I forgot number 3 - ergo I am not very wise.

Perseus - no, I was referring to kitten's comments further up.

come.to.mumma said...

And my interwebs crush on Pers continues unabated. "It’s not that I’m being ungrateful, I mean, the sex and the attention was awesome and welcome, but jesus, I’m 40, and I wanted to watch Lateline." He brings the lolz!

Thanks Pers, yeah I'm still single. And all aflutter that you noticed.

Now back to you. Just have fun, I say. If it's not fun, move on.

eat my shorts said...

It’s not that I’m being ungrateful, I mean, the sex and the attention was awesome and welcome, but jesus, I’m 40, and I wanted to watch Lateline.

It's lines like this that make me love this show. Can't wait for the next episode.

I was all for you giving Suicide Girl a go, but now that you've mentioned Ponygirl is coming back at Christmas - wait for Ponygirl! It's only a few months.

Sure your one worded "Wow" might've been a bit light on in reaction to SG's text earlier in the week, but to be honest, her text seemed a bit full on to me. That'd have me running for the hills.

Having said that, I've recently been accused of being too picky when it comes to assessing dating potential in the opposite sex. I had a 2nd date with a dude not too long ago where he said he'd "Keep me around" (those were his actual words) because we had mutual friends (what about "keeping me around" because he liked me for who I am, hm?!).

That had me running for the hills & I've since been told that I might have been a bit quick to judge - I dunno, it seemed like a dodgy thing to say at the time, so I decided not to see him again.

Dr. Golf said...

Of all the advice given here, Dr. Golf's is the one I am most inclined to follow...

Perseus and I really appreciate all your help and advice, but i think we can take it from here.

patchouligirl said...

I think a few more dates and the answer will become obvious - all this discussion will be obsolete.

Personally I find nothing attractive about a 40 or 50 yr old 'king of the kids' in a pub full of 20 somethings. When I reached my mid 30's I only had to look around me to see I was getting too old for that scene.

Perseus said...

Patch: I resent that.

1. I'm in the band, so I have a reason to be in these places.

2. Even if I'm not in the band, I frequent venues that cater to the older crowd. I don't do nightclubs, for instance.

3. What would you have me do? Not go out? Maybe, because I'm 40, you'd rather I join a macrame club, or take up lawn bowls?

I'm single. I have to go out sometimes, and where is there to go out with single friends other than pubs and bars? The movies? GAY!

Perseus said...

Thanks Pers, yeah I'm still single. And all aflutter that you noticed.

You are so on my blind-date target list...

patchouligirl said...

Yeah its a bit harsh but there is an element of truth in it. Working in the pub is one thing but theres a point where hanging out with the 20 somethings gets a bit tragic.

I was 35 and single on the Central Coast and totally understand how hard it is to meet someone when you live in an area that doesn't have the population to make this likely. It doesn't matter where you go or what social group you join. If I could live that time again I would probably have rented out my house and moved to Sydney for a year or two.

Puss In Boots said...

I think that depends on the person, Patch. Some people fit in with more than one age group. I have a friend who is early 30s now, but I swear she doesn't seem like it on occasion. She could be all sophisticated and hanging out with her older friends one night, and then partying with her younger friends the next. And she doesn't seem ridiculous doing it.

I, on the other hand, would look a complete douche if I tried to go out and party. Even with people my own age. I'm olllllllld. I even said the other day, "what is with kids these days and not brushing their hair, and their fluoro clothes?" I said "kids these days"! And I'm not even 30! *sigh*

Mad Cat Lady said...

drunken barefoot lawn bowls is fun

Mad Cat Lady said...

the beer is usually cheap too

Puss In Boots said...

It's not about fate or destiny or any of that crap, Alex. It's purely a numbers game. With 6 billion permutations of people on the planet, you don't think there's someone out there for everyone? Jeebus, I am the most irritating person I know, and someone still considers me to be perfect for them!

Mr E Discharge said...

Personally I find nothing attractive about a 40 or 50 yr old 'king of the kids'

I once tried to argue that it was perfectly natural for a man in his late 40's to seek out and enjoy the company of young people.

Unfortunately the magistrate didn't agree.

These days I tend to spend Schoolies Week at home.

squib said...

I've always been amazed by people who think that nature exists in some sort of harmonious balance. Nature is all about things rooting and killing each other. Yeah but the whales were torturing the baby seal for fun. Not for food. And the baby seal was making these plaintive little pup noises. The whales had this evil laugh

WitchOne said...

Don't those naughty whales know there are LAWS against bullying??

Alex said...

With 6 billion permutations of people on the planet, you don't think there's someone out there for everyone?

No. At least not some perfect match that you're going to run across at some point in time that's just right for the both of you. What are the chances that you're actually going to meet 6 billion people in your lifetime? Even a million - half a million? In this case I'd say the numbers are against you. It's like trying to make financial plans on the presumption that you're going to win the lotto.

Yeah but the whales were torturing the baby seal for fun. Not for food. And the baby seal was making these plaintive little pup noises. The whales had this evil laugh

I'll bet they went off and made tasteless jokes about it afterward too.

Mr E Discharge said...

Memo to Japanese Whaling Fleet:

Rebrand as "Save the Seal Foundation" or "Seal Shepherd" proir to next season.

Puss In Boots said...

Alex, sounds like you're a pessimist. Even if you lived in Sydney and never left it, that's still 4 million people for you to meet. I still believe amongst all those people, you're still likely to meet someone who is right for you. And how many people get married each year? Surely at least half those people believe they've found the right person for them. So I still say it's more likely to meet someone who is right for you than not. It's just about getting out there and meeting as many people as you can until you find them. Hence why I went on hundreds of dates a few years back, and didn't give anyone a second or third date if I couldn't see myself married to them. It worked for me, at least.

Alex said...

Alex, sounds like you're a pessimist.

I don't know. I'd like to think I'm a realist, but then, doesn't everybody?

Even if you lived in Sydney and never left it, that's still 4 million people for you to meet.

I think you'd have to be a spectacularly glorious social butterfly to meet every person in Sydney. Even if you did, I'm sure you'd find most of them would be the wrong age, sex, orientation or already in a relationship.

And how many people get married each year? Surely at least half those people believe they've found the right person for them.

Probably true. But how many of those couples thought of each other as marriage material after the first date and how many came to that conclusion in a more round about fashion.

You said earlier that you would rather stay single than pursue a relationship with someone you don't see as marriable. I think that is a good approach because you're considering the two options you actually have in front of you:

a) pursue relationship you have doubts about.

b) stay single.

What I don't think is a good idea is factoring in some perfect match who's just waiting out there somewhere for you to come and find them.

patchouligirl said...

Living somewhere like Lorne does narrow down the odds dramatically though.

When I was living on the Central Coast I used every dating opportunity - from answering newspaper ads to chat room get togethers to parties at the neighbours, community college courses (not macrame but massage, thai cooking and self defense!), I even joined a guitar group that evolved from one of these courses. I met one guy at the Club listening to a band but stayed away from the pubs. After 5 years I eventually met my husband at a friends house.

squib said...

whales eat people

Cath said...

Alex.. I consider myself a realist as well, and people call me pessimistic. Apparently, people who are clinically depressed will always call themselves realistic, when others view it as straight out pessimism.

Who knows.

Melba said...

I'm with Alex on this one. I've done a late catch-up read and he has made all the points I would have.

So thanks Alex. You've made my task easier. All I have to do now is pour another glass o' wine.

HOWEVER I really don't hold much hope for ponygirl now. On reflection.

I don't know. I think I am almost as confused as Persey.

And someone asked what "haitch" is.

Allow me.

There are two ways to pronounce the letter "h."

One is phonetically "aitch" (or /eɪtʃ/) and the other is "haitch" (or /heɪtʃ/).

It's a variation on how people say the letter "h". I don't know if it occurs in other countries.

People who say aitch look down on people who say haitch. People who say haitch think people who say aitch are fucking snobs who make a big deal about nothing.

It's just like the Snitches and Sneetches really.

Alex said...

Cath, I always assumed that everybody saw themselves as a realist and optimist/pessimist were terms mainly used to describe other people. Sort of in the same way that everyone thinks their own political and religious views are the centre of logic and reason and everyone else is crazily deluded.

Melba, thanks for the "haitch" explanation. It was me who asked. After 5 minutes of reciting parts of the alphabet out loud like a tool, it seems that I myself fall into the "haitch" camp. I like to think that I even out this extra use of the /h/ sound by leaving it off the start of many words. To think that I've been part of a grammatical under-class all my life and never known it. I am also a user of youse (pronounced 'yz').

Also, since Perseus has been more than insistent that there is no possible future with PonyGirl, I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

kitten said...

Kitten is still kitten. She just doesn't have a hangover this time.

Mad Cat Lady of the drunken barefoot lawn bowls - do I know you????