Wednesday, October 28, 2009

World "Eat a Chop" Day to follow.




Self-absorbed bourgeois across the nation are gearing up for World Vegan Day; a celebration of narcissism, conspicuous compassion and appalling halitosis.

Independent film maker Marcus Hall said he was looking forward to the day, provided he could stay conscious that long.

“It’s really great to mingle with like minded people and assure each other what wonderful, special people we are,” he said.

“True, some people might regard this as a self-important wank-fest that doesn’t actually achieve anything practical; but those people are yucky and probably don’t even live in North Fitzroy.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to bath in my own urine.”

Organisers are using the image of the gorilla, citing the fact that it has an herbivorous diet but is known to have upper body strength at least six times greater than that of humans. Event organisers are said to be impressed by its strength and ability to live harmoniously with the natural world.

The fact that it’s a completely different fucking species and therefore completely useless for the purposes of comparison has been rated less highly.

Prominent meat eater and actor Sam Neill said “Have you ever been in the same room with Vegans? Phew, the smell!”

Mr Neill added “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to eat an entire cow.”

84 comments:

Puss In Boots said...

Hey! Not all vegans smell!

I'm pretty sure I didn't. Although I didn't eat as much cabbage and beans as most vegans seem to.

I do like that picture though. Very amusing. I'm stealing it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You did smell, Puss.

Your friends were just being polite.

Lewd Bob said...

I understand to some extent vegetarianism and (to a lesser extant) veganism as I don't particularly love meat, although I do love burgers (and pork dumplings).

But it's when they suggest that eating meat is 'unnatural' that I see red. That makes no sense, they are dickheads and it's goodbye to Understanding Bob.

Melba said...

Chops are one of the finest things you can eat.

But I like beans and vegies as well.

I'm omnivoracious.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I like beans and veggies as well.

What riles me is the silliness of some of the vegan claims.

Organisers are using the image of the gorilla, citing the fact that it has an herbivorous diet but is known to have upper body strength at least six times greater than that of humans.

On that basis, you could argue the physical strength of a lion is an argument for an all meat diet.

Melba said...

I think I was agreeing with you Ramon. No arguments from me.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Talking about chops, Melba.

Pork or lamb?

Mr E Discharge said...

I did a lot of work with Gorillas (and Diane Fossey) a while back at San Diego Zoo. They eat insects too.They love crickets especially.

Puss In Boots said...

Can I just say that I wasn't vegan because of the animals, or whatever else bullshit most vegans put forward? My veganism came on slowly as a result of many food issues. I didn't care about the animals.

Ramon, I'm interested to know what you think it is that makes vegans smell bad?

Alex said...

Pork or lamb?

Is there a need to choose?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm taking the piss, Puss.

Cath said...

Fucking hilarious Ramon..! My delightful husband was once engaged to a woman who ate little meat - and forced such behaviours on him. Since their breakup he has rebelled against vegetarianism, and thanks God everyday for marrying such a carnivore as myself.

Melba said...

Lamb. Oh lamb.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The Mrs has a marinade for lamb chops, involving red wine, honey and fresh rosemary, that would make a vegan drool.

Lewd Bob said...

Lamb is the most foul of all foods - except smoked salmon of course.

wari lasi said...

Lamb is the most foul of all foods - except smoked salmon of course

??? Two of my favourite things.

What I don't get is how they love to go on and on about it. "So you don't eat meat? Who cares? Shut up and eat your lentils"

Has anyone ever tried nutmeat? Fucking awful.

Puss In Boots said...

Dude, I know that. But it is true to some extent. I just wondered whether you had some insight as to what caused it.

Wari, yes, nutmeat is gross.

Lewd Bob said...

Aha, there's another problem with vegetarianism, Wari: "meat substitute". If you need meat substitute, you really should be eating meat.

And you can buy meat that is organic, free-range and cruelty free. Hell yeah, it's expensive.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Puss, I think I read somewhere an excessive reliance on pulses you find in vegan food can cause bad halitosis.

Lamb is the most foul of all foods.

This saddens me, Bob, it really does.

Alex said...

I agree with Wari. I have no idea how anyone could dislike lamb or salmon. How do you feel about goat and tuna, Bob?

Happily, I have never heard of nutmeat.

Puss In Boots said...

Ahh, ok then. Well, I'm in the clear! I ate the worst vegan diet ever. It was all carbs and green vegetables, and none of the lentils/pulses I was supposed to eat.

I'm with Bob. Lamb and salmon are gross. I'll add pigs in there too.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Come, come Puss - you go too far.

The pig is a fine animal; intelligent, useful and delicious.

I'm eating a pig right now!!

Lewd Bob said...

I only hate smoked salmon. Salmon steak is fine, even salmon from a tin. Lamb is ok if cooked for hours in the form of a curry or stew and it melts in your mouth. I just hate the process of tearing through large slabs of meat.

Melba said...

Bob, you are dead to me now.

Alex said...

I just hate the process of tearing through large slabs of meat.

Not big on steak then either, I guess?

TubularBells said...

I have had a few vegan housemates over the years, most of them ghastly and self-loathing. My current vegan housemate though is utterly delightful... I think that may be because about half her calorie intake comes from wine. She also showers twice a day without fail. All up, very unexpected - "vegan poetry student" is not a tag which normally inspires confidence.

And I'm not kidding about half her calorie intake coming from wine - I once added it all up for her over a period of a week.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

TB, I'm pretty sure vegans can only drink the expensive stuff as cheaper cask wine contains animal products.

Oh and they can drink Coopers Pale Ale as well.

TubularBells said...

Euw, cask wine. None of that stuff is allowed in our household, unless it is with the intention of adding vodka, burning sugar and spices.

Perseus said...

A few years ago, Lewd and Mrs.Bob visited me and I offered Roast Lamb and they said no.

Behind the crustaceans, lamb is clearly the best meat. Fatty lamb chops. Lamb roast. Oh my god they are good.

Puss - I recommend eating just the crackling. It's the best bit of the pig.

Melba said...

Tearing through large slabs of meat?

Foreplay.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Bob is a lamb snob?

Odd.

Lewd Bob said...

Perseus, that is utter bullshit. I will always eat what I am served, even if it is a lamb roast, smoked salmon or those other horrid things, oysters. I wouldn't have been rude enough to say no to a kind offer of dinner. Take that back.

Perseus said...

You weren't rude at all! I asked about a week in advance, and you said you didn't like Roast Lamb, so Andromeda made a Roast Beef (that was horribly dry and she was still ashamed two years later).

Lewd Bob said...

Oh, ok. That seems to make more sense. I retract my abuse. The beef was a little dry.

patchouligirl said...

And you can buy meat that is organic, free-range and cruelty free

Not always as available as we would like. I know my local Coles and Woolworths don't carry free range pork yet and there obviously isn't a demand for them to do so unfortunately. Or for McDonalds to use free range eggs for that matter. Many people who would not eat a cage egg at home still accept them at restaurants but I do try to avoid them.

I love a crumbed lamb chop and I love pork - I mean who could give up bacon seriously. One of my favorite things is char siu - chinese bbq pork - hard to get here in the sticks but when I can I do. We do tend to eat too proportionally too much meat though so I try to correct the balance.

eat my shorts said...

Last week, at the show, I patted a lamb and then I went to my friend's place and we made lamb stew. It was delicious.

I grew up on a dairy farm & the meat we ate came from our own herd of a few hundred or so cattle. We had a calf whose mother refused to feed it, so we hand-reared it. We put a teat onto a juice bottle, filled it with one-third of fresh milk from the vat and two-thirds of warm water (calves won't drink cold milk) and he grew up nice and big and fat. His name was Bullwinkle. Then when he was old, he went to slaughter and we ate him. You heard me.

Puss, my brother says cabbage is peasant food. I like cabbage. I also like brussels sprouts. Broccoli is a favourite of mine, too.

Lewd Bob: Snap on the pork dumplings. If I was on death row, I think I'd order pork dumplings as my last meal, with a tiramisu side.

Talking about chops, Melba.

Pork or lamb?


While not directed at me, I'd like to address this issue, Ramon. Lamb chops are for eating, pork chops are for carrying on like one.

I'm yet to eat goat, and I can't wait to try it. I have a feeling I'll really like goat curry.

Also, I heart salmon something chronic, smoked or otherwise. I can buy smoked salmon for $3.95 literally two blocks from where I live. Yum. Also I can buy Jansz sparkling for $25 one block in the other direction. Hobart = heaven. Don't even get me started on the oysters. (Drool)

Alex said...

EMS, I think most of us who grew up on properties ate our fair share of pets. It was kind of poor form to get sentimental about those kind of things.

Goat is a bit like sheep in that the taste of the meat is somewhat dependant on the age and sex of the animal. The local butcher in one of the little towns I lived in used to sell kid as lamb and very few people ever picked it.

eat my shorts said...

EMS, I think most of us who grew up on properties ate our fair share of pets. It was kind of poor form to get sentimental about those kind of things.

Word, Alex. Is you a farm kid as well? What kind of farm?

Goat is a bit like sheep in that the taste of the meat is somewhat dependant on the age and sex of the animal.

That's what I'm wondering. I've never eaten mutton but heard lots of (bad) things about it. I've got the feeling that if you cook it right, mutton would probably taste ok. I've heard lots of people turn their noses at the thought of eating goat, but I'm of the belief that if it's cooked right, then it's ok. It's the same with vegetables. If you boil the beejesus out of cabbage it tastes (and smells like shit).

Some people hate silverside (including my mother), but I quite like it. And even though my mum hates it and pretty much gags at the smell of it when cooking, she still cooks it.

I could really go some roast silverside with white sauce, mashed potato and buttery brussels sprouts right now. Good thing I'm heading home in a few weeks, I'll put in a request.

Alex said...

EMS, My father worked as a contractor (farm hand) and my mother was a governess, so we lived on a few different places. Mostly sheep. We killed most of our own meat, and yes, I found mutton to be quite tasty when cooked right. I have especially fond memories of shepherds pie.

I'd advise staying away from eating a sexually mature billy goat if you can. If you've ever smelt one during rutting, you probably already have a pretty good idea why.

I could really go some roast silverside with white sauce, mashed potato and buttery brussels sprouts right now.

God, that sound good. Except I'd probably add a little pumpkin and sweetbuck to the mash.

Dr. Golf said...

Love the fact that most vegans live on tofu, oblivious to the fact that (outside of the EU) it's pretty much all derived from genetically modified soybeans.

Of all the foods you could eat, tofu has the most GM material.

Veggies also use more chemicals than meat.

Melba said...

Alex I've never known anyone who's known a governess before.

I am impressed and envious.

Oysters - mmmmm.

Corned beef or silverside - mmmmmmm. Don't forget the mustard!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Up to around 1945 most working class people, at least in Australia, ate mutton as it was a less expensive cut of meat.

The really, really poor ate rabbit, which was often referred to as "underground mutton".

patchouligirl said...

You can't get mutton or hogget readily at all unfortunately. I remember Jamie Oliver saying that hogget tastes much better than lamb and given the choice I'd go the hogget (also it has had a bit longer to live and the idea of eating baby animals seems a bit mean - its probably irrational but I'd rather give them a year or so of life first).

One of the nicest cabbage recipes I've tried is the chinese cabbage salad on the back of the Changs crunchy noodle pack - its called "oriental fried noodle salad" on the Changs website. It did the rounds here a few years ago and was a big hit. A great alternative to coleslaw.

Puss In Boots said...

EMS, I love broccoli and brussels sprouts too. I don't mind cabbage, but I don't eat too much of it. I find it a little boring. And when I was vegan I didn't eat as many brussels sprouts as I would have liked, as I was living with a non-vegan partner who hated them.

Bob, tofu is disgusting. I don't know how people can eat that crap.

Oh, and EMS, we ate our own "pets" too. I remember poor Augustus the bull. Actually, he helped to turn me vegan. He was as tough as leather boots. We let him roam around too much, it seems. The meat we had when I was growing up was always dodgy and low quality, and then I went to boarding school and it was even worse. And I was already lactose intolerant, so I didn't have any dairy. And I hate eggs. And I don't eat pigs. So I was already 90% of the way to being vegan once I stopped eating red meat and chicken. Then I stopped eating seafood and voila! Even now it's very easy for me to not eat meat. I have to consciously think about it or I just revert to being vegetarian.

Alex, I am super jealous your mum was a governess! Although I suspect I have a rather romanticised view in my head of what it would have been like.

Puss In Boots said...

And now I'm confusing Dr Golf with Bob. I seriously need to get my eyes checked or something.

Mr E Discharge said...

Don't even get me started on the oysters.

The first human ever to eat an Oyster must have been ever so hungry.

Perseus said...

Aside from a hot chick's parts, a fresh natural oyster is the very best thing one can have in one's mouth.

Mr E Discharge said...

What about hot chick's parts wrapped in Bacon?

Or Crumbed?

Or wrapped in bacon and then crumbed??

Puss In Boots said...

John B1/B2 would disagree with you, Perseus.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Human flesh is supposed to taste a lot like pork.

patchouligirl said...

I'm lucky that my husband and I both eat pretty much everything. He lived in China for 6 months and ate all kinds of wierd things like deep fried sparrow so that broke him in before I got him. We recently tried cooking up some razor clams he'd found in the lake but they tasted pretty awful. As he goes fishing I have to cook up all kinds of different fish that he brings back. We put whatever we're having on our 2 yr olds plate and encourage him to try things. I have a theory that parents pass their food phobias onto their kids and hope to raise Jack to be adventurous with food by example.

Alex said...

Ramon, my old man talks about how they ate rabbit all the time when he was growing up. His family wasn't poor, but the rabbits were just so plentiful and there was money to be made off the pelts. He reckons he stopped eating them after myxomatosis became widespread.

Puss, I don't know what your mental picture of being a governess is like, but it still involved covering the same curriculum as every other teacher in the state.

patchouligirl said...

Do you mean they are not all like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music? Damn.

squib said...

I didn't care about the animals.

Puss, you say that like it's a good thing

catlick said...

Up to around 1945 most working class people, at least in Australia, ate mutton as it was a less expensive cut of meat. Our family ate it right through my childhood. I remember corned legs of mutton or two tooth boiled and served with a white sauce, it was called "mock-ham". We had pressed tongue, lamb's fry and crumbed brains, and fish on Fridays. And Patchouligirl if you can get to a halal butcher, they often have mutton, and their technique of killing results in very good meat.

Melba said...

I have had that chinese cabbage crunchy noodle salad, patchouligirl.

I can attest to its goodness.

And governesses do have such a romantic quality about them.

Squib I don't think many of us meat eaters think too carefully about where the slab of goodness comes from. But I think you can appreciate the animal as the provider of the meat. Not sure what Peter Singer would say about that.

Puss In Boots said...

Squib, I meant I wasn't vegan because of them. Obviously I care about animals. But that only extends to hoping they have a decent free range life and are killed humanely. They're bred to be killed, so no, I don't care that they're killed. As long as it's done humanely.

patchouligirl said...

I can attest to its goodness

I should have also mentioned it is very easy to make and none of the ingredients need refrigeration so great for camping. It is the most moor-ish salad I've ever had. If anyone tries it let me know how you go.

Alex said...

Do you mean they are not all like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music?

Actually, yes, everything was exactly like The Sound of Music. Lots of singing and dancing and sweet little misadventures. My favourite songs were "There's dirt over everything", "Fuck it's hot" and "Who let that bloody fly inside?"

Lewd Bob said...

"If God had meant us to be vegetarian, he wouldn't have made animals out of meat." - Anon.

WitchOne said...

The things that come out when i turn my back for a tick.

A real live Governess, yes that's a capital G, I know what a Governess does when you forget your good grammarnshit.

Meat. Mmmm, anyone use the Maggi Seasoning on their lamb chops? Try it, sprinkle it on one side, grill, flip, sprinkle more and grill again. Lamb forequarter chops are the best ones for this.

Changs crunchy noodle salad, we love it, it is even better with Chinese BBQ pork on the side, very closely on the side.

Puss, I'm sure you don't smell and your food requirements haven't had any affect on your memory at all!

By the by, my azalea/gardenia garden is looking amazing!

eat my shorts said...

I'd advise staying away from eating a sexually mature billy goat if you can. If you've ever smelt one during rutting, you probably already have a pretty good idea why.

Thanks for the tip. I actually do know what you mean about the smell. We had a goat on the farm. His name was Billy. Pretty original, hey. It wasn't just because he was a Billy goat though, the guy who gave him to us, his name was Bill.

He was a really mean goat, you'd try and feed him and he'd butt you. Those horns hurt. That bloody creature gave me bruises every single time.

The really, really poor ate rabbit, which was often referred to as "underground mutton".

I've only ever eaten rabbit once. Nan made rabbit stew, but didn't tell us it was rabbit until after we'd eaten it. Bunnies are delicious.

Nan also made ox tongue once, but I couldn't eat it.

Melba said...

Best seasoning for a lamb forequarter chop:

- salt

- olive oil

- thyme

That is all.

come.to.mumma said...

Goat is seriously good. Especially in a Jamaican curry or slow-cooked Middle Eastern-style. Just about everything else is pretty good too. Although rabbit reminds me of my nan buying them, skinned, for pet food from the South Melb market when I was a kid. And try to serve me brussels sprouts, cauliflour in white sauce, tripe, brains or similar and I will spew. On the table.

Oh, and mushrooms. But that will be from anaphylactic (sp?) shock because I'm allergic. But I found them disgusting even before I knew I was allergic to them. Fungal spore. Ew.

Puss In Boots said...

Alpaca and llama are pretty good too.

I loooove mushrooms. I peel the skin off and eat them raw. And brussels sprouts and cauliflower in white sauce is one of the best parts of a roast lunch, CTM!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Hey Puss, did you eat Guinea Pig when you were in South America?

squib said...

I haven't eaten any red meat or poultry for 21 years. I eat seafood and wear leather shoes and so forth. The rest of my family eat meat

I had a guinea pig called Daphne once. She was eaten by a German Shepherd

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

What was the German Shepherd called?

Mad Cat Lady said...

I was biten by a dog once, but it wasn't a german shepherd.

I had a rat called mouse that used to leap at the cage bars trying to attack the cat.

squib said...

It was probably called Brutus

or mebbe Apollo

Puss In Boots said...

I tried a little bit of someone else's guinea pig, but couldn't bring myself to eat a whole one. They just cook them whole, and the little teeth sticking out the front of it freaked me out.

I've been bitten by a German Shepherd before. And a Border Collie. And a Jack Russell. I hate dogs.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Didn't a goose try and bite you once?

Puss In Boots said...

It was an ibis actually. It chased me and bit me on the heel because I wouldn't give it my lunch.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I think the animal world has it in for you, Puss.

Maybe you should eat more of them.

Alex said...

I had a guinea pig called Daphne once. She was eaten by a German Shepherd

What was the German Shepherd called?

I was really hoping it was going to be Shaggy, Freddy or Velma.

eat my shorts said...

I heart this comment thread.

Puss In Boots said...

Well, I did have pigeon the other night. Does that count?

And I'm hoping there will be duck at the wedding I'm attending on Saturday.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Splendid, Puss.

Eat them before they eat you, I say.

patchouligirl said...

I just think you've been meeting the wrong dogs Puss. Mine wouldn't dream of biting anyone. My 2 yr old runs around the yard with them and jumps on them.

Puss In Boots said...

Patch, you have just about hit on my all time most hated phrase to come out of people's mouths when I tell them I don't like dogs. "Oh, you'd love my dog! He's harmless. All he would do is lick you."

Yeah, and how is that any better? That creature has been licking its arse. There is no way I want that tongue anywhere near me.

Alex said...

Oh, you'd love my dog! He's harmless. All he would do is lick you.

I've never really understood why some people let their dogs lick them, especially on the face. Thankfully, it's a habit that can be fairly easily broken, especially if you start training the dog from an early age.

And I don't think that the way a dog interacts with members of its own family is a good indication of how it will react to strangers. Some dogs can go from wouldn't-hurt-a-fly to savage-killer at the drop of a hat. Of course, many don't.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Oh, you'd love my cat!

If you're lucky and she's in a good mood, she'll just sit in a corner of the room and stare at you with bleak hatred.

If you're lucky.

eat my shorts said...

That's my kinda cat, Ramon.

come.to.mumma said...

Puss, we should eat at separate tables if we ever have a meal at the same time and place. And you can correct my spelling too. See, that's how much I hate 'cauliflour'... can't even bear to spell it right.