Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Rules for Safe Flying

Captain Ardoz cops a fine for parking on the nature strip

Please be aware that flying is much safer than driving a car. Many more deaths occur through standard usage of earthbound vehicles than through normal usage of aeroplanes. Planes rarely fall from the sky or crash into objects such as buildings, mountains or other planes without a rather grand explanation.

Please also note the following list which outlines several other means of dying which are statistically more likely than death by flying:

- heart attack
- earthquake
- snakebite
- the use of power tools
- industrial accidents
- suicide by various means
- watching The Nanny
- shooting
- stabbing
- backgammon*

However, to further minimise your chances of the termination of life while on the aeroplane, please adhere to the following rules. These will also enhance other passengers' enjoyment of the flight:

1. Do not jump from the plane at any stage, unless it is still on the tarmac and preferably stationary or moving at a very slow rate.
2. Do not shoot any pistols, revolvers, rifles or other firearms or detonate any ordnance of any kind while in the cabin. If a bullet must be fired, please ensure it lodges in a seat, a passenger or the food cart.
3. Do not eat the fish, even if the stewards encourage you to do so, or indicate its safety by eating a bit first.
4. While in the cockpit, please avoid touching buttons, switches or the pilot unless specifically instructed to do so by the pilot or somebody wearing his hat.
5. Do not attempt to open a window as these are usually fixed. If the plane gets hot, try fanning yourself, fanning the person next to you or removing articles of clothing, preferably your own.
6. Do not attempt maintenance on doors or windows, even if they appear to be malfunctioning. Opening doors can be dangerous and should only be done under strict supervision and preferably only for a short period of time at cruising altitude or by a two thirds majority of business class.
7. Do not fly in an aeroplane piloted by a child, a drunk or an animal. If the plane is captained by a woman, it is usual to enquire whether the plane will need to be reverse parked.
8. If the pilot appears to be distracted (e.g. eating popcorn, reading non-aviation magazines or studying the aeroplane's instruction manual), you should assume the 'brace' position for the entirety of the trip.
9. Do not attempt to 'pop the hood' as this can cause immediate depressurisation.
10. If the plane crashes in water, be first to the door to ensure a good spot on the raft.
11. If the plane crashes on land in an isolated location, collect any food available to ensure you will not have to eat other passengers.
12. Do not play any sports during the flight, especially football, rugby and javelin.
13. If the passenger adjacent to you is snoring with his/her mouth open, do not be tempted to pop peanuts into his/her mouth, as he/she may be allergic.
14. Do not bring dangerous animals onto the plane unless they have their own ticket.
15. Do not rub up against any other passengers if you have a contagious skin disease.
16. Do not invite fascists, dictators or tyrants such as Stalin, Hitler or Mussolini onto the plane, as they tend to upset others.
17. If a doctor is called for, don't pretend to be a doctor, paramedic or pharmacist if you are not one. If you are a doctor of meteorology, mathematics or literature, these are almost certainly not the types of doctors required. In the rare case that a patient is dying of lack of understanding of the weather/trigonometry/the complete works of Pushkin, your services may be required.

Have a pleasant trip and thanks for flying Garuda.



* factually incorrect


wari lasi said...

You're on fire Bob.

Nice work as usual.

I'm still concerned about you however.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

watching The Nanny

I knew that shit was lethal.

Let me also say that the posts this week have been some of the finest in TSFKA's violent and troubled history.

Lewd Bob said...

I'm ok wari, really. Although if you could send me $5000 it will cover all associated costs.

Ramon, I once - accidentally - saw an ad for The Nanny and had to spend several weeks in hospital.

Melba said...

Yes, nice one Bob but I do have to take issue with the old chestnut about women and parallel parking. I happen to be the finest reverse parker I know, and I am a woman, so I want you to retract your sexist comment. This is what me and the Greer have been fighting against for decades, this insidious and snaky propaganda. But I guess you have acknowledged that the Captain might be a chick.


Lewd Bob said...

God. So sick of fiction being regarded as necessarily my point of view.

Lewd Bob said...

Needless to say, a retraction is not forthcoming.

Melba said...

Oh sorry. My humour didn't translate? Sorry Bob. Wasn't really pissed off. Not at you. No way.

morgana said...

And death by bad delivered Pizza has to be up there on the list. That is , the Pizza, not the delivery service, which is always such fun.

Lewd Bob said...

Sorry Melba. Just generally in a bad mood. You should've seen what I wrote before I deleted it and decided on reverse parking. Phew.

Mr E Discharge said...

I am a woman, so I want you to retract your sexist comment

Needless to say, a retraction is not forthcoming.

Oh sorry. My humour didn't translate? Sorry Bob.

Sorry Melba. Just generally in a bad mood. You should've seen what I wrote before I deleted it and decided on reverse parking.

At last!

Conclusive Evidence for the existence of Mensural Synchronisation within online communities.

Dr. Golf said...


patchouligirl said...

My first husband used to say I reversed by sound not sight so I'll wear that one.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I've been sick, so I demand apologies and retractions all round.

I also demand;
* Three (3) bottles of Coopers Ale,

* A nicer cat,

* Battery operated chattering teeth (whatever happened to them?) and

* The complete works of Pushkin.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Mad Cat Lady said...

how many cats do you want Ramon?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I was thinking more of an exchange, MCL.

My current cat is defective.

wari lasi said...

All cats are defective.

But I don't like dogs much either. Except for our Jack Russell, she's a dynamo. I need to have a lie down just watching her.

Lewd Bob said...

If this blog ever becomes defunct, I suggest we call it Mensural Synchronisation Within Online Communities or MSWOC.

Give me your phone number Ramon, and I'll recite the complete works of Pushkin, or CWP, over the phone.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Thanks Bob.

And the beer...?

Puss In Boots said...

I don't know if it would help, but I can relay the complete Robuchon for you, Ramon. Although, that might just make you hungry instead.

Lewd Bob said...

Certainly I'll drink beer while reading. Thank you.

Mad Cat Lady said...

I could trade you the bubba-cat for a bit, but in all honesty would have to warn you about the dribbling. It's like a tap when he is getting his head scratched.

One morning he'd hopped up onto the bed for cuddles and managed to dribble in my ear. When i was franticly turned over trying to get the cat spit out with a corner of the sheet he managed to get my other ear as well.

Apart from that he's a great cat :)

Puss In Boots said...


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

In that case, MCL, you'll find Kitty a most delightful change.

She spends most of her time plotting new and painful ways to bite you.

Puss In Boots said...

My cat (Aleksandr) is an artist when it comes to getting into small spaces. My wardrobe has a shelf at the top of it, with a ridiculously small gap to try and fit anything through to put on the shelf (although the shelf itself has quite a bit of space to the ceiling). It's also about 5'8" from the floor. I went to close the wardrobe door last night before I went to bed, when I suddenly noticed my cat peering at me from behind the shoe boxes on the shelf! How he managed to get up there I do not know. Particularly as there was only a gap for him to jump into about 20cm wide and maybe the same high.

Melba said...

Have you got your period yet Bob? I got mine today.

Lewd Bob said...

Actually, I'm a couple of days late.

Oh shit...

Melba said...

Don't worry. Sometimes the stress of worry about being pregnant can make you late. It'll come soon. But really you should be using prophylactics.

catlick said...

I fear backgammon may in fact be lethal. I play on line, and the regular member obits posted would indicate the death rate is alarming.

kitten said...

My cat likes to play fetch. Especially with my hair ties. He also steals them from my bedroom and bathroom, takes them downstairs and drops them in his water bowls.

eat my shorts said...

So ... what does he do with them once he drops them in his water bowls?