Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Based on a true story:
Boy, 14: I wonder what would happen if I got my dick out.
Girl, 11: Out of where?
Boy: Out of my pants.
Girl: Do you need to wee?
Boy: No, but I have this evolutionary and totally instinctive desire to get it out.
Girl: Well I don't care, whatever.
Boy removes penis from trousers.
Girl: Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?
Boy: My dick.
Girl: Is that what they look like?
Boy: It's what mine looks like.
Girl: Shit, it's fucking disgusting.
Boy: Fair go! I bet your dick is ugly too.
Girl: I don't have a dick.
Boy: What do you have?
Girl: A front bottom. And it certainly doesn't have those revolting hairs around it like yours.
Boy: What the fuck's a front bottom?
Girl: A girl's penis.
Boy: I don't even know what the fuck that means.
Boy: How do you piss?
Girl: None of your business.
Boy: What would you think if I put my dick in there?
Girl: What the fuck for?
Boy: I dunno. See if it fits.
Girl: Yeah, whatever, I don't care.
Girl, 11: Mum!
Girl: My belly's starting to get bigger.
Mum: Show me.
Girl reveals belly.
Mum: Oh my God! You know what this means?
Mum: It means we're going to have to cut down to five meals of Maccas per week.
Girl: Aw mum!
Girl, now 12: Hey, Boy.
Boy, now 15: What, Girl?
Girl: The doctor says there's a baby growing in my tummy.
Boy: In your tummy?
Boy: How the fuck did it get in there?
Girl: How the fuck should I know!
Boy: Did the doctor tell you how?
Girl: He said my mum would tell me.
Boy: Yeah, your mum's pretty smart.
Girl: Yeah. She knows the price of everything at the supermarket.
Dad: Whose fucken baby is it?
Dad: But who else's?
Dad: There must be someone else.
Girl: There isn't, I swear.
Dad: Jesus Christ. Get me a bourbon and coke will ya.
Girl gets Dad a Woodstock pre-mixed can while he lights up a Winnie Blue.
Dad: That's better. So, who the fuck did you sleep with?
Girl: Last night?
Dad: Last night! Anytime!
Dad: Who the fuck's golly?
Girl: My gollywog!
Dad: Oh Jesus Christ, you fucking little shit! Mum! She's going to have a black baby!
Uncle Glen: She was always a good girl. She's the best shot in the family. She could hit a tin can from forty paces. Fuck me if she didn't know how to rope a steer. Christ, who the fuck's going to plough the back paddock now she's knocked up?
Auntie Gladys: She was always trouble. Always had a thing for the boys. God knows I slept with boys at 11, but I made them shoot their filthy stuff into the dirt. Girls weren't stupid back in my day. I didn't have my first kid 'til I was 15.
Girl: Push what?
Midwife: Push the baby out!
Girl: what with?
Midwife: It's ok, there it is, it's a boy!
Girl: Thank God, Dad woulda killed me.
Boy, 15: What's his name?
Girl, 12: Rawlings.
Boy: Cool. What do you think about getting its ears pierced?
Girl: He's booked in for Thursday.
Midwife: Would you like to cut the cord?
Boy: Fuck that, I'm going out to get pissed.