The other day, I was rattling into work on the train from the People’s Republic when I noticed a vacant seat.
“By Crikey,” I thought “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all and that’s a seat and I’m going to snaffle that.”
Which I did.
Seat snaffled I was reading my book* when I glanced up and noticed a slightly plump woman looking at me in what I thought was a reproachful manner**. I resumed reading, glanced up and again with the possibly reproachful manner. This continued for the rest of the trip; read, glance, reproach, read, glance, reproach.
This presented me with the old, old dilemma; was she pregnant or plump?
Should I have offered her my seat, risking a spray along the lines of “I’m retaining water, you cunt, I’m not pregnant,”? Should I have tried to make eye contact to see if in fact she wanted the seat?
Or should I have done what in fact I did; do nothing and feel slightly guilty for the rest of the journey.
What to do?
* A history of German resistance to Hitler, thank you very much for asking.
** Or maybe she was thinking “that bloke is sooooooo hawt! I feel like jumping his bones”.